Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
YA Fantasy Query Letter Feedback
date
newest »
newest »
My opinion, for what that's worth, is you have good raw material, but it needs rearrangement. I'm not sold on your bio, though.THE PARALLELS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. Because of your interest in fantasy, I thought you may be interested in my novel about a young girl who will learn to wield magic as gracefully as she does a sword.
Capture the mages, enslave the inerts. This has been the way under the Blackthorne regime, ever since The Breaking nearly seventy years ago.
Jules protects the last remaining mages of her nomadic village against the Herrings - vicious, mage-hunting packs commissioned by Blackthorne himself.
When a simple decoy mission goes awry, Jules finds herself at the forefront of a battle that’s spanned centuries. With the help of a mysterious stranger, Jules seeks to rescue her kin but discovers that Blackthorne’s plan may be more frightening than it seems.
Caught between a calling from her forgotten, magical past and the need to change the future, Jules begins an adventure to unify the most powerful mages of Lanel while learning that magic always finds a way.
I live in Montana where I work at the symphony and enjoy the natural treasures of Big Sky Country.
-Sentence about what is included based on submission guidelines.
Capture the mages, enslave the inerts. This has been the way of Lanel under the Blackthorne regime and ever since The Breaking nearly seventy years ago.In THE PARALLELS, the first book of my fantasy series (I would just start this paragraph with "Julianne...", as there's no need to repeat the title of the book both at the start and end of your query. Also, it's not recommended to tell the agent that your book is the first in a series. They want to know your book has a solid beginning, middle and resolution. There will be no guarantees of a second book if the first doesn't sell well, so it's not wise to finish a debut book with a cliffhanger. Rather, you can mention to the agent that your book has "series potential" at the end of the query.), Julianne “Jules” protects the last remaining mages of her nomadic village against the Herrings - vicious, mage-hunting packs commissioned by Blackthorne himself.
When a simple decoy mission goes awry, Jules finds herself at the forefront of a battle that’s spanned centuries. With the help of a mysterious stranger named Darius, Jules seeks to rescue (Nice use of verbs. The goal is to make your main character as active as possible) her kin but discovers that Blackthorne’s plan may be more frightening than it seems (Too vague.).
Caught between a calling from her forgotten, magical past and the need to change the future, Jules begins an adventure to unify the most powerful mages of Lanel while learning that magic always finds a way. (Again, I feel this paragraph is probably too vague.)
(I like the sound of your story, as well as the tone and conciseness of your writing. I feel your query reads more like a blurb at times though, rather than a typical query. You could add more specifics regarding the plot and what Jules does. I really don't think a query should tease at things or leave the agent with a lot of questions, so you're sometimes a bit vague for me.
Also, you maybe include too many inciting incidents and goals (protecting her village against Herrings, being thrown into the forefront of a battle, needing to rescue her kin and wanting to change the future). I would pick one and follow only it through. I have an exercise that might help:
-Main character WANTS... (what's her overall goal and motivation?)
-BUT... (what is the conflict?)
-SO... (what is Jules' action in response to the conflict?)
-AND... (what is the result of that response and what must she do next?)
-OR... (what happens if she fails? (the stakes))
I've been a writer all my life - scribbling poetry in high school and cataloging my twenties in leather-bound journals. This is my first novel. (No need to tell the agent right now that this is your first novel. It won't do you any favours.) Currently, I live in Montana where I work at the symphony and enjoy the natural treasures of Big Sky Country.
THE PARALLELS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. Because of your interest in fantasy (A little vague. I would check the agent's bio on Manuscript Wishlist and see what specific things they are looking for, otherwise probably best to leave this out.), I thought you may be interested in my novel about a young girl who will learn to wield magic as gracefully as she does a sword (I like this!). -Sentence about what is included based on submission guidelines.
Only my opinion, so only take from the comments what you want. Hope some of it is helpful. All the best with the query.
Capture the mages, enslave the inerts. This has been the way of Lanel under the Blackthorne regime and ever since The Breaking nearly seventy years ago.
In THE PARALLELS, the first book of my fantasy series, Julianne “Jules” protects the last remaining mages of her nomadic village against the Herrings - vicious, mage-hunting packs commissioned by Blackthorne himself.
When a simple decoy mission goes awry, Jules finds herself at the forefront of a battle that’s spanned centuries. With the help of a mysterious stranger named Darius, Jules seeks to rescue her kin but discovers that Blackthorne’s plan may be more frightening than it seems.
Caught between a calling from her forgotten, magical past and the need to change the future, Jules begins an adventure to unify the most powerful mages of Lanel while learning that magic always finds a way.
I've been a writer all my life - scribbling poetry in high school and cataloging my twenties in leather-bound journals. This is my first novel. Currently, I live in Montana where I work at the symphony and enjoy the natural treasures of Big Sky Country.
THE PARALLELS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. Because of your interest in fantasy, I thought you may be interested in my novel about a young girl who will learn to wield magic as gracefully as she does a sword. -Sentence about what is included based on submission guidelines.