Query Feedback YA Fantasy

[Christina]

Below is my current query. (It also has a few sentences about my credentials and education, which I took out for here).

Lena is a healer. She healed her father when she was three and he collapsed with a heart attack. Since then she’s been keeping him alive. Every day she visits him and sends energy from her core, into her hands, and wraps it around her father’s heart. Soon she is healing others, too. But when Lena turns 16, she becomes rebellious. A life that once felt secure now feels like a prison. The Company that controls her takes her father and gives her limited access. When her father dies, Lena unleashes hell, killing a doctor and disappearing into a world beyond the limits of what most consider real. Now she must come to terms with what she has done, who she is, and what her powers really mean for the future of humanity.

[Keith]

First, you need to break out your blurb with whitespace. It helps draw the reader's eye if you have 2-3 sentence paragraphs.

Second, you probably should introduce the Company sooner, since it seems like a critical element.

Third, you should include some comparable books, to give the agent/publisher an idea of where you think yours slots in at the bookstore.

Overall, I think your blurb has potential, but it feels disorganized and lifeless. I don't really feel any emotion toward Lena, so when her father dies, I don't feel attached to her rampage. Meaning, I'm as likely to feel sympathy for the doctor she killed vs her. It would seem that the 'world beyond' is important, yet we learn nothing at all about it. Her challenge, to 'come to terms with what she has done' seems dry to me, without passion.

If you'd like, PM me and I can send you a link to some ideas I have for constructing an effective blurb.

Good luck!

[Christina]

Very helpful! Thank you, Keith!