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message 1: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Antonacci | 3 comments Dear [agent]:

I’d like to tell you about my latest mystery novel, THE KILLED CONSCIENCE (approximately 60,000 words).

Investigative journalist Emilee Weathers has a lot to prove. Still at the beginning of her career, Emilee is eager for a name and hungry for the perfect story, no matter how she has to get it. When a detective, NICHOLS, calls asking Emilee to assist him in finding new evidence for a convicted serial killer’s appeal, it seems the perfect story has come knocking at her door.

But not long after arriving to the mountain town of Pigeon Forge, Emilee discovers the body of another, more recent victim. With the body showing signatures of the already-convicted serial killer, Emilee is left wondering if she’s happened upon the work of a copycat, or if the real killer was ever even caught. The more she looks though, the murkier everything becomes. The police begin withholding information and the killer seems capable of going any length to protect his identity. On top of it all, when her investigations uncover the buried secrets of those closest to her, Emilee questions who it is she can and can’t trust in those mountains, if anyone at all.

I am writing to you because I read on browerliterary.com that you have an interest in thrillers with serial killers and complex female characters. Given your background and interests, I believe you’d be a great fit for this project, and hope it’s one you can feel passionate about. Also, I intend for this story to be the beginning of a series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best wishes,

Jordan Antonacci
jtantonacci23@gmail.com
Blog: https://mrhushhush.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @misterhushhush

Any and all feedback is welcome.

Thanks so much!


message 2: by Em__Jay (new)

Em__Jay I don't understand why a police detective is calling a journalist who does not have an established career.

How does her own past impact this case? Is she from the area - is that the link?


message 3: by Cotty (new)

Cotty | 5 comments I’d like to tell you about my latest mystery novel, THE KILLED CONSCIENCE (approximately 60,000 words).

Investigative journalist Emilee Weathers has a lot to prove. Still at the beginning of her career, Emilee is eager for a name and hungry for the perfect story (Can you show us her hunger, rather than just tell us she is hungry?), no matter how she has to get it. When a detective, NICHOLS (You don't need to capitalise names in a query. Also, why have you capitalised this name, but not Emilee's?) , calls asking Emilee to assist him in finding new evidence for a convicted serial killer’s appeal (Why would he call her?), it seems the perfect story has come knocking at her door.

But not long after arriving to the mountain town of Pigeon Forge, Emilee discovers the body of another, more recent victim. With the body showing signatures of the already-convicted serial killer, Emilee is left wondering if she’s happened upon the work of a copycat, or if the real killer was ever even caught. The more she looks though, the murkier everything becomes. The police begin withholding information (Why would they share information with her?) and the killer seems capable of going any length to protect his identity. On top of it all, when her investigations uncover the buried secrets of those closest to her (Not sure what this means), Emilee questions who it is she can and can’t trust in those mountains, if anyone at all.

I am writing to you because I read on browerliterary.com that you have an interest in thrillers with serial killers and complex female characters. Given your background and interests, I believe you’d be a great fit for this project, and hope it’s one you can feel passionate about. Also, I intend for this story to be the beginning of a series (Don't mention plans for a series yet. The agent wants to know if you can write a decent story first, with a solid beginning, middle and end).

(It ended up not being necessary to know the name of the police officer, and it isn't clear from your query how exactly your main character drives the plot. What is her motivation? What are the stakes? What is holding her back? What does she do to overcome that? How are the stakes then raised? That's what the agent wants to know. You have an interesting sounding plot, but the query needs some work. All the best.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(I would recommend you don't put your email online like this.)


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