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Blurb Workshop > Blurb help - cozy mystery - The Killed Conscience

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message 1: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Antonacci | 4 comments Investigative journalist Emilee Weathers has a lot to prove. Still at the beginning of her career, Emilee is eager for a name and hungry for the perfect story, no matter how she has to get it. When a detective Nichols calls, asking Emilee to assist him in finding new evidence for a convicted serial killer’s appeal, it almost seems too easy.

But not long after arriving to the mountain town of Pigeon Forge, Emilee discovers the body of another, more recent victim. With the body showing signatures of the already-convicted serial killer, Emilee is left wondering if she’s happened upon the work of a copycat, or if the real killer was ever even caught. Soon, Emilee is left wondering who she can trust in those mountains, if anyone at all.

Any and all feedback is welcome. Also, if you'd like to beta read, let me know; I have a post in the Beta Readers group for that as well. Please feel free to email me at jtantonacci23@gmail.com

Thanks so much!

Jordan Antonacci


message 2: by Carro (new)

Carro | 69 comments Couple of minor comments -
1. If detective Nichols is his title, then Detective Nichols
2. Two instances of "wondering" in the second paragraph - I'd change one of them.

Plus - I know this is too much detail for a blurb, but why would a detective phone a journalist when he is looking for evidence? As a reader, I'd be a bit wary of looking further at the book, because that doesn't sound entirely plausible to me. That might be some phrasing that needs a tweak.


message 3: by Sreedhar (new)

Sreedhar Iyer | 11 comments Few observations:
1) When a detective Nichols calls - a may not be required.
2) But not long after arriving to the mountain town of Pigeon Forge - use of at instead of to.
3) Emilee discovers the body of another, more recent victim. With the body showing signatures of the already-convicted serial killer [can be merged into one smaller sentence]
4) if she’s happened upon the work of a copycat, or if the real killer was ever even caught. -- needs clarity.


message 4: by Carro (new)

Carro | 69 comments Further observations
If you say "a Detective Nichols" (as compared to just "Detective Nichols) it implies he is a stranger - someone she's not met before. (Which is why I was wondering why he would phone her in the first place.)


message 5: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (last edited Mar 29, 2018 01:46PM) (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
She has a lot to prove, but detectives are calling her to help with their cases? Not really buying it.

Why is she "left wondering" so much? Why isn't she investigating? Isn't that her job? ("Left wondering" indicates she's not finding any answers).


message 6: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments Investigative journalist Emilee Weathers is hungry for the perfect story and not too particular about how she gets it. Asked to help find new evidence for a convicted serial killer’s appeal she heads for the mountain town of Pigeon Forge.

When she discovers the body of a recent victim the questions come thick and fast. Has she happened upon the work of a copycat? Is the real killer still out there? And is there anybody in this neck of the woods she can trust


message 7: by Geoffrey (new)

Geoffrey Hild (geoffreyhild) | 6 comments When I first read Jordan's summary, I had no problem with "When a Detective Nichols calls..." No need to answer all the questions on the back cover. It's okay to tease.

As for the repetition of "..., Emilee is left wondering..." I think if you inserted "initially" or "at first", before the first use of the phrase, to balance with "Soon" in the second use, the repetition works.

However, as for Jane's rewrite: Damn, girl. That's good.


message 8: by Garfield (new)

Garfield Whyte (garfieldwhyte) | 124 comments I agree... Jane hits it on the head.


message 9: by Mark (new)

Mark Huntley-James | 64 comments Go with Jane's version - it's sharp and to the point.


message 10: by Jenna (new)

Jenna Thatcher (jenna_thatcher) | 132 comments If you do Jane's version, you need a comma after 'appeal'.
I actually liked your version though too - it's a little longer, so you have both a longer and shorter blurb (ish).
I would leave out the detective's name, and the last couple of sentences could use some reworking, but frankly, I still liked it.


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