Beta Reader Group discussion

27 views
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Query help MG fantasy adventure

Comments Showing 1-11 of 11 (11 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments I am looking for some feedback my query .

Dear Agent ,

After viewing your agency’s website and the books you represent, I’m excited for you to consider my middle grade fantasy adventure novel, The Adventures of Abby and K’eyush: Arktos, complete at 54,000 words.

A young girl is whisked away to Arktos by an adventurous polar bear who will need the help of a human child to save his fellow bears from the evil king.

Twelve-year-old Abby has always longed for a real, proper adventure where she can meet new exciting characters and visit new lands. She gets the surprise of her life when the newest addition to her polar bear collection, a large stuffed toy, comes to life and asks her to help him defeat the evil that is threatening his land. The only catch is that she will have to travel to a different world.

Once she steps foot on the magical winter wonderland of Arktos, her fears of leaving home fade away, until she and K’eyush, the polar bear, run into trouble. Together they have to escape their captors, find the secret rebel hideout, and rescue the imprisoned bears. However, their biggest challenge will be fulfilling the prophecy by fighting the evil King who can only be defeated by something from another world.

Thank you for considering The Adventures of Abby and K’eyush: Arktos. This is a standalone book with a strong potential for a series. Arktos will appeal to fans of the Seekers Series and The Adventurers Guild. The first five pages are pasted below and I’ll be happy to send you the complete manuscript upon request.

Sincerely,
Andrea


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments It would be best to either add onto your previous thread or to at least link back to it:

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

That way, others can see the evolution and learn from it.

Looking at your previous request for beta readers it seems the focus has shifted from the POV of the bear to the POV of the child. It this indeed the case? I ask simply to provide the best feedback. If the story is from the bear's POV then your blurb isn't doing the story justice.

Personally, I'm not sold on your first sentence synopsis. If you want to call it a logline, then I think it fits, but it reads like the first line in the blurb to me.

You mention her fears fade away, but didn't mention earlier she was fearful.

You should use contractions liberally, it flows better, to me, at least. Also, be sure to get the input of an editor, I believe you're missing a comma here and there.

I don't think the last half of the last sentence add anything, of course you'll be happy to send the rest of the MS.

Good luck!


message 3: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Keith,

Thank you for your input, it is very helpful.
Regarding the beta read post from earlier, I changed the point of view for this query hoping to draw a wider audience. The novel alternates between Abby's and K'eyush's POVs.
Below, I made it so each main character has a paragraph.

I took the 1st sentence of the 3rd paragraph and added it to the end of the 2nd paragraph. I changed it to say 'Once she steps foot on Arktos, she realizes this is not going to be the adventure she has longed for. She has a tough job to do.'

The 3rd paragraph changes to: 'K'eyush, the polar bear, must quickly assume his role as hero when he and Abby get into trouble. Together they must escape their captors...'
Does this seem to flow better?

Thanks,
Andrea

Below is a link from last year's query help request.
https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...


message 4: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments It's best if you put the entire revised blurb.


message 5: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Newly revised version of the query.

Dear Agent ,

After viewing your agency’s website and the books you represent, I’m excited for you to consider my middle grade fantasy adventure novel, The Adventures of Abby and K’eyush: Arktos, complete at 54,000 words.

Twelve-year-old Abby has always longed for a real, proper adventure where she can meet new exciting characters and visit new lands. She gets the surprise of her life when the newest addition to her polar bear collection, a large stuffed toy, comes to life and asks her to help him defeat the evil that is threatening his land. Once she steps foot on the magical, winter wonderland of Arktos, she realizes that this is going to be a difficult adventure.

K’eyush, the polar bear, must quickly rise to his role of hero when he and Abby run into trouble. Together they have to escape their captors, find the secret rebel hideout, and rescue the imprisoned bears. However, their biggest challenge will be fulfilling the prophecy by fighting the evil King who can only be defeated by something from another world.

Thank you for considering The Adventures of Abby and K’eyush: Arktos. This is a standalone book with a strong potential for a series. Arktos will appeal to fans of the Seekers Series and The Adventurers Guild. The first five pages are pasted below.

Sincerely,
Andrea


message 6: by Nathaniel (new)

Nathaniel Hardman | 2 comments I'm an intern at a literary agency, and I read lots of queries. For whatever it's worth, I'd probably read your sample pages based on this query, but the one thing that concerns me is that I'm not sure what is motivating Abby on this quest. Usually, we want to see that a character has some core desire, something she wants desperately, and the plot is all that the character does to achieve that thing. You mention that Abby longs for adventure. Then she gets an adventure. Problem solved! So what compels her to keep going and fight an evil king? Makes me a little concerned about the structure of your book, but again, I'd go ahead and read a sample based on this query. Good luck!


message 7: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments For me, it works well. The only suggestion is the overuse of 'new' in the first paragraph of the blurb.

Good luck!


message 8: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Nathaniel wrote: "I'm an intern at a literary agency, and I read lots of queries. For whatever it's worth, I'd probably read your sample pages based on this query, but the one thing that concerns me is that I'm not ..."

Thank you for your input. Knowing that you would probably read some sample pages is a great sign that I'm on the right track. Below I've added in a bit more to hopefully make it better, and fixed the over-usage of 'new'.

Revised Paragraph #2
Twelve-year-old Abby has always longed for a real, proper adventure where she can meet exciting characters and visit different lands. She gets the surprise of her life when the newest addition to her polar bear collection, a large stuffed toy, comes to life and asks her to help him defeat the evil that is threatening his land. Once she steps foot on the magical, winter wonderland of Arktos, and learns of her role in the prophecy, she realizes that this is going to be a difficult adventure.

I hope this makes it a little clearer as to why she needs to stay, without giving too much away.

Thank you! You've been very helpful.


message 9: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Keith wrote: "For me, it works well. The only suggestion is the overuse of 'new' in the first paragraph of the blurb.

Good luck!"


Thanks again for all the help Keith. I've been working on this (on and off) for over a year. Hopefully it will work for the agents too, and my hard work will pay off.


message 10: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments Please let us know if you get positive feedback.


message 11: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Keith wrote: "Please let us know if you get positive feedback."
I will!!


back to top