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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Query Feedback - Middle Grade Mystery

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message 1: by Kristin (new)

Kristin Yodock | 17 comments Date

Dear xxx,

Since you represent xxxxxxx and are looking for MG literature, I hope this query will interest you in THE HAUNTING OF WHODUNIT HILL, a loose retelling of The Mystery of the Green Ghost by Robert Arthur. THE HAUNTING OF WHODUNIT HILL has the humor and strong female lead of Sheila Turnage’s Three Times Lucky with a diversity bent. At 46,500 words, WHODUNIT HILL is a stand-alone mystery novel with series potential.

When twelve-year-old Madison Mischief, dyslexic super sleuth and her Deadwood Detective Agency associates Seth Holloway and Twist Twistleton comes face-to-face with a wispy blue ghost, they have no choice but to follow the clues.

Normally, solving their second case would have been simple. However, that was before the break-in, and Mr. Ping-Pong’s minions got in their way. Now Madison and her fellow detectives are racing against time to find the Stone, rescue Aiden, and solve the mysterious hauntings if they are to restore peace to Whodunit Hill.

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per your submission guidelines, I have attached the first five pages of my novel. Upon your request, I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript. Please note that this is a simultaneous submission.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

Kristin
kristinyodock@gmail.com


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments Not sure you need to repeat your title thrice.

What is Stone, who is who is Aiden?

"Three Times Lucky with a diversity bent" sounds like it needs a comma.

You repeated "Thank you for your time and consideration" twice. I don't think you need any of "As per your submission guidelines, I have attached the first five pages of my novel. Upon your request, I would be more than happy to send you the full manuscript. Please note that this is a simultaneous submission." Queries are expected to be simultaneous and _of course_ you'll be happy to send them your MS.

If you're going to capitalize your title, I think you should capitalize the others.

On the whole, I think you have a really good start. I do believe you need an editor, I think you are missing some more commas.

Good luck!


message 3: by Kristin (new)

Kristin Yodock | 17 comments Thank you, Keith. I appreciate your feedback.

Kristin


message 4: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Allen | 22 comments Hi Kristin,

Just wanted to offer some feedback for you. I'm in the process of writing my query too and it's very hard.

Maybe instead of capitalizing your title just use Italics. Its softer on the eyes. Definitely italicize the other titles of comparable books.

In the first paragraph, consider just saying how you found the agent, book title, what genre and word count the novel is. Put the comparable books in the last paragraph along with the part about it being a potential series.

In the 3rd paragraph maybe say the mystical or magical stone. Gives it more of a mysterious factor. Did you change Dylan's name to Aiden? Maybe add in that he's a relative of the ghost or tell who he is or just say the sleuths have to save a kidnapped boy.

The last paragraph, add the comparable titles and maybe say, 'The first five pages are pasted below and I'd be happy to send you the complete manuscript upon request.' Make it short and sweet.

Good Luck,
Andrea


message 5: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments Something important to keep in mind when using formatting (e.g., italics) is you can't rely on the email viewer to render the formatting correctly in all cases. I believe it's much better to write your query to be clearly understandable using plain text and sending it as plain text.


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