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Blurb Workshop > Blurb help - urban fantasy - The Road To Hell

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message 1: by Mark (new)

Mark Huntley-James | 64 comments I've been trying to get this straight for a few weeks, but I'm just too close to it to know it makes any sense. Any feedback gratefully received

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What could possibly go wrong?

Paul Moore is dungeon to the Demon Nyka – if he uses magic, the demon gets out and the world is destroyed. so his business as a demonic broker is... broke, and now the mayor of Barrowhurst-under-Helltide wants him to supervise traffic enforcement by the supernatural, a new disaster opportunity brought to you by Mickey “Short-Cut” Twitch, boyhood friend, arch-nemesis and practising moron. And Paul has his new girlfriend, the beautiful uber-witch Simone, mistress of the dark arts and trainee human, keen to explore the extremes of relationship intimacy and chariot racing.

Enter the Moore Traffic Plan (because no-one trusts the Twitch name), fully functional, perfectly safe, highly efficient. Except Mickey Twitch always cuts one corner too many, and there’s a prophecy of exploding barrows, one-handed men and the imminent end of the world. So, no pressure.

All Paul has to do is defeat a demon-slaying ancient evil, rescue his girlfriend and stop Mickey, all against impossible odds.

Forget the paving on the Road to Hell, the Demon Nyka is offering a shortcut called Temptation: Become my priest, little mortal, take the deal and together we can do magic safely...


message 2: by Anne (new)

Anne Lovett | 20 comments This is not my genre, so I won't comment, but for anyone wanting blurb help, what really worked for me was the book by Bryan Cohen "How to Write a Sizzling Synopsis."


message 3: by Frances (new)

Frances Fletcher | 46 comments What could possibly go wrong?

This question could apply to any fiction story. Readers assume that something will go wrong, so I suggest deleting this as an opening hook.

The next two paragraphs are too detailed. Can you simplify?

Paul Moore is dungeon to the Demon Nyka – if he uses magic, the demon gets out and the world is destroyed. so his business as a demonic broker is... broke, and now the mayor of Barrowhurst-under-Helltide wants him to supervise traffic enforcement by the supernatural, a new disaster opportunity brought to you by Mickey “Short-Cut” Twitch, boyhood friend, arch-nemesis and practising moron. And Paul has his new girlfriend, the beautiful uber-witch Simone, mistress of the dark arts and trainee human, keen to explore the extremes of relationship intimacy and chariot racing.

Enter the Moore Traffic Plan (because no-one trusts the Twitch name), fully functional, perfectly safe, highly efficient. Except Mickey Twitch always cuts one corner too many, and there’s a prophecy of exploding barrows, one-handed men and the imminent end of the world. So, no pressure.

The following two paragraphs are succinct, clear and engaging:

All Paul has to do is defeat a demon-slaying ancient evil, rescue his girlfriend and stop Mickey, all against impossible odds.

Forget the paving on the Road to Hell, the Demon Nyka is offering a shortcut called Temptation: Become my priest, little mortal, take the deal and together we can do magic safely...

Hope this helps give you focus for your next rewrite of this blurb.


message 4: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
What could possibly go wrong? Cliched. I've seen it in far too many blurbs. Plus, I have absolutely no idea at this point what the story is, so how could I guess what might go wrong?

Paul Moore is dungeon to the Demon Nyka – if he uses magic, the demon gets out and the world is destroyed. so his business as a demonic broker is... broke, and now the mayor of Barrowhurst-under-Helltide wants him to supervise traffic enforcement by the supernatural, a new disaster opportunity brought to you by Mickey “Short-Cut” Twitch, boyhood friend, arch-nemesis and practising moron. Holy Moses. *rubs eyes* That hurts. I was lost at "Paul Moore is a dungeon" and then it just goes on and on with this long run-on sentence. I'm not sure - is Paul Moore a man or a dungeon or somehow both? And this demon has the power to destroy a world, but not a man or a dungeon. Okay... Totally lost at this point and frankly would be scrolling on to find another book. If I can't follow the blurb, I will be helpless with the book.

And Paul has his new girlfriend, the beautiful uber-witch Simone, mistress of the dark arts and trainee human, keen to explore the extremes of relationship intimacy and chariot racing. Sorry. All I'm getting is "there's a hot babe in my book". What is her role in the story?

Enter the Moore Traffic Plan (because no-one trusts the Twitch name), fully functional, perfectly safe, highly efficient. Except Mickey Twitch always cuts one corner too many, and there’s a prophecy of exploding barrows, one-handed men and the imminent end of the world. So, no pressure. I'm lost again. This seems like a lot of inside jokes about Mickey Twitch. I have no idea who he is.

All Paul has to do is defeat a demon-slaying ancient evil, rescue his girlfriend and stop Mickey, all against impossible odds. Oh, those pesky ancient evils. This is Simone's role, then. Damsel in distress. Okay. Your earlier mention of her indicated she might be more than that.

Forget the paving on the Road to Hell, the Demon Nyka is offering a shortcut called Temptation: Become my priest, little mortal, take the deal and together we can do magic safely...

It feels like there is a story here, maybe a really good one. There's just too much info being tossed out all at once. Focus on the main plot of the story. Don't overload the reader with details.


message 5: by Mark (new)

Mark Huntley-James | 64 comments Thanks all - I knew it wasn't right, but I was just too close to it. I have an orphaned chick to baby-sit, so I will have another go at this.


message 6: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1122 comments Hi, there is a lot going on in the blurb. There is also humor, i.e., "no pressure." So just an example and trying to keep some of that:

If there is anything worse than a demon on the loose, it's a demon slayer on the loose who is also bent on destroying the world. If you don't believe it ask Paul Moore, former 'demon broker,' whose own brand of magic has left him in a lurch....

One thing that seemed inconsistent is his girlfriend who is an 'uber witch' yet Paul has to rescue her. Seems inconsistent.

Blurbs aren't easy; it's hard to reduce a story into a few lines.


message 7: by Mark (new)

Mark Huntley-James | 64 comments Here we go, version 2...

Paul Moore, former demonic broker and master of the dark arts, has a demon inside him – he’s not possessed, but a living prison, and any use of magic could let the demon loose, killing Paul and destroying the world. Now, the prisoner is talking – Let’s make a deal, idiot mortal...

Paul (and his name) have been co-opted to front an insane scheme to use the supernatural for traffic enforcement, all part of being the unofficial demonic troubleshooter for Barrowhurst-under-Helltide. It’s unpaid, the hours are awful and it interferes with being boyfriend to the beautiful uber-witch Simone.

The Moore Traffic Plan is fully functional, perfectly safe, highly efficient and has only one flaw – it is the invention of a demon-killing ancient evil intent on ripping Simone’s huge power from her cold, dead hand and using it to settle some scores.

All Paul has to do is defeat the ancient evil, save his girlfriend and defuse the Moore Traffic Plan before it ends the world and his reputation – all against impossible odds and without magic.

Forget the paving on the Road to Hell, the Demon Nyka is offering a shortcut called Temptation: Become my priest, little mortal, take the deal and together we can do magic safely...


message 8: by Mark (new)

Mark Huntley-James | 64 comments Thanks all - gone live now.


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