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Carry On up the Amazon
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...produced a long hosepipe and a tube of vaseline."What do you in-trend doing with that?" asked Beryl, with a look of alarm on her face.
"It's not for you," the Doc replied, "it's for the Archbishop - if some of you help hold him down."
"What are you aiming to do?" asked Francis the mule. "Fill a huge gas bag and tether it to the van, to enable it to lift clear of the jungle canopy with us all inside?"
"Well, that's one alternative," replied the Doctor. "I'm not sure that filling the van's fuel tank with gas and firing up the engine would be the safest option."
"Bless you all," said Desmond, "but don't I get a say in what happens to my own methane gas?"
"Whatever we do, just don't let any of those dark clouds escape again," warned Barry. "They're deadly."
"Gonna die!" squawked Gusto.
"I suggest we gather some of the largest leaves we can find growing in the jungle, and sew them together to make a huge bag," said Diana. "Then, we can use creepers to secure it to the van."
"Och, dinna let any of that gas escape from ye while we're aboot mekkin the bag," advised Crocky.
"Holy swelling!" exclaimed Desmond. "But the gas has to go somewhere. What will happen...
Heer! shouted Beryl as she shoved her purse behind Desmond. Iffin yoo needs to let loose anuther one, just aim it rite heer!Bless you my child, said Desmond as he sat on Beryl's purse. As it is written in the Holey Bibble... He who smelt it dealt it.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Travellers foraged through the jungle searching for the largest of leaves and the creepiest of vines. After hours of foraging, all they came up with was a few dozen dead plants, hundreds of empty cans of Spam, and a bad case of poison ivy.
Och! cried Crocky. I be itchy in places I dinna no I had!
Me too! cried Francis. My hooves are on fire!
I want some Spam! cried Barry as he broke out in a nasty rash.
Damn global warming! said Dr Whom while scratching her nether-regions. We don't have enough leaves or vines to make a bag big enough to gass-up the van! Now what do we do?!
May I interject, asked Boxing Dai. It seems my esteemed colleague, Rabby Burns-Knight has left behind his bagpipes. Will that do?
Brilliant! said Sir David. Based on my award-winning calculations, the density of the bag combined with the circumference of the pipes and the vividness of the color plaid should certainly be able to contain the extreme velocity of the extraneous wind.
Dr Whom looked disappointed and said, So... no vaseline?
No need, said Sir David. It's a simple equation of aim and shoot. Now, let's line up the lad and power up that van!
Unfortunately, try and try as he might, Desmond was unable to fulfill his duties. Forgive me my friends, he said. It seems that the blessed gas has dutifly passed.
No worries, said Rocky pulling something gooey out of his pocket. Rabby also forgot to take the haggis. Now take a bite of this, sit back, and relax.
After a very short time, Desmond rubbed his belly and said, I don't feel so good. Then he leaned way over and...
Thar she blows! yelled Crocky.
Quick! said Dr Whom. Secure the bagpipes!
Many miles away, Marco, Markey, Gusto, and Squawky and several indigenous parrots were feasting on some succulent berries when they heard a huge explosion.
*What was that?! said one of the parrots*
*Marco shook his beak and said... Just the idiots blowing themselves up again*
But amazingly so, the Travelers were once again airborne. Dr Whom said, We did it! But before we go anywhere, we must christen the van.
Desmond started to fling holey water around but Dr Whom said, No you wingnut. Not that kind of christening! She needs a name.
I know! said Diana. How about... Jean Claude Van Dammed?
Ooh, said Beryl. He's a hottie. An I just luv his Flung Ku moves!
Excellent! said Dr Whom. Then she made some adjustments to the hyper-drive, hovered over the jungle for a while, shifted Van Dammed into first-dimension gear, and revved the engine while scattering a pod of seriously annoyed parrots.
*What the eff?! squawked one of the parrots*
*Stoopid hoomans, mumbled Squawky going back to his berries. Gonna die*
*Yup, said Mackey, Marco, and Gusto*
Then the Van Dammed raced across the Amazon and ...
...brushed past the tree canopy. "I'm amazed that one set of methane-filled bagpipes are managing to lift the Asda van with all of us inside," said Barry in admiration at the heavily swollen bag of gas.
"Erm, well, I'll let you into a secret," replied Dr Whom. "It's not just the bagpipes that are doing the job. Flying above the bagpipes, and using its high tensile tethering cord whilst remaining hidden under a cloaking shield, is the Target. After all, I couldn't just leave it behind on the jungle floor to be vandalised by the same monkeys that had stolen most of the van's groceries."
"Ah, well that makes me feel safer," said Desmond. "I didn't want to put all my trust in the divine methane."
"Do you have complete control over the Target's flight course?" asked Francis.
"Of course," the Doc replied. "Although it does have a mind of its own and it can on occasions be a tad headstrong."
"So, in which direction should we head?" asked Diana. "If we keep on this course we'll be hitting Rio di Janeiro and Sugar Loaf Mountain."
"Well," said Beryl, "I fink we should hed four...
...the neerest ASDA and restuck our supplizes.Yes! said Barry as he looked longingly at the empty cans of Spam.
I agree, said Dr Whom. Then she set course for the neerest (ahem) nearest ASDA and took out a pen and sheet of paper to make a shopping list.
What is that? asked Princess Diana.
What is what? asked Dr Whom.
That dried-out piece of parchment and than stick in your hand, said Diana.
I'm making a shopping list, said an annoyed Dr Whom. How else am I supposed to make one?!
Well, said Diana. Back home in the castle we just tell people what we want and they get it for us.
Crocky said, Back in me own home, when we be hungry, we goes into ta swamp an eats whatever be swimmin by.
Rocky said, When me and my family are hungry, we just visit our neighbors' backyard and help ourselves to their left-overs.
Barry wiped a tear from his eye and said, Every morning my Mum would make us a wonderful breakfast of Spamcakes and eggs, with extra cheese, and for lunch we'd have a yummy grilled Spam and cheese sandwich and a side of Spamfries with extra cheese, and for dinner she'd make us a delicious Spam and cheese casserole with extra cheese, a great big Spam salad with cheesy dressing and extra cheese, and for dessert, a heaping bowl of frozen Spamcream with extra cheese. I miss my Mum! he cried.
Sounds...er... quite delectable, said Sir David. Maybe I should make an award-winning documentary about the many recipes for Spam and...
ASDA it is! said Dr Whom as she shifted the Van Dammed into high gear. We'll just each get a cart and fill it with whatever our heart's desire.
Herrayyy! shouted Beryl. I cant wate to see my frends agane! Before we left for the Ammazzon, I wuz the assississtant to the assississtant manajer. Maybe theyll give me a premonition!
You mean a promotion? asked Frances.
That tooo! said Beryl.
Desmond shook his head and said, Bless you my child.
Who sneezed? asked Barry.
Then...
*The crew of The Target will take a short break in the Space/Time Continuum to refuel and stock up on personal products and outerspace space-snacks*
Excuse me? said Boxing Dai.
Ya heard me, said Rabby. Ta last time we seen each other was last February 14th when I had me eye on ta beeutiful lass, Valentina. An ye stole her right from under me verra nose!
Ah yes, said Dai. Such a pretty girl too. My apologies, dear sir. It's this cursed handsomeness I was born with. Let me make it up to you by singing a lovely song I once wrote. It's called Olde Lang Sign and...
Dammit man! said Rabby. I wrote that song years ago an now ye stole that too!
Ooops, said Dai. I thought it sounded familiar. Oh well, how about we share a bottle of fine Irish whiskey and let bygones be bygones.
Nay! said Rabby. Ye canna buy me off wit... wait.. whiskey ye say?
The finest, said Dai as he poured a round of drinks for the Travelers.
Desmond crossed himself, took a sip and said, Yummm...that was delicious. I'm feeling much better now!
Suddenly, an extremely loud noise rolled over the Amazon and shook it to it's very core. Then a black cloud ominously hovered over-head completely blocking out the sunlight.
Wot in hellfires was that?! cried Beryl as she and the Travelers took cover under the bushes.
I pray for forgiveness, said an embarrassed Desmond. Gas.
Gas?! said Rocky holding his nose and waving his paws in front of his face. That stuff could power up the van!
That's a great idea! said Dr Whom. We could use it to start the van! Then she...