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message 1: by Ash (new)

Ash (goodreadscomashna_gulati2609) | 205 comments Hi OSS,

I hope you are all doing well.But if you are not and you feel the need to say it out loud,you might be able to do it here.

I was thinking about how people who are struggling with life go to therapy and just sit around in a circle and share what they are going through.

I know the major grounds of OSS are feminism but I think if we are all caring enough to understand the gender inequalities,we could also be caring enough to listen to people who are struggling.

We definitely can't sit in a circle at one meridian of time and space,but we can help each other grow through whatever we are struggling with,maybe.I had this thought when @Lewis shared his experience of bullying on my Being Brown thread,saying that it had nithing to do with being brown,but he needed to share it.

Under many of these sharing therapies people generally start with,for example,
Hi,I am Jill and I am an alcoholic or a shopaholic.

Here I think,we could just start by saying,
Hi,I am (your name) and I am human.

I am not sure if this is a good idea,but if the mods agree,maybe we could hit it off,keeping in mind that this thread should not drag people lower than they already feel.I have people who listen to me patiently and make me feel good and that is why the problem becomes really small in all it's measure and I think that if everyone had such people,we'll be able to spread happiness,or atleast reduce the sadness.

I'd like to know how all of you feel about this.And depending on the review the thread could be deleted or kept.

,Ashna


message 2: by Ross (new)

Ross | 1444 comments interesting idea a safe listening is a fundamental principle of OSS.


message 3: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments Ashna wrote: "Hi OSS,

I hope you are all doing well.But if you are not and you feel the need to say it out loud,you might be able to do it here.

I was thinking about how people who are struggling with life go ..."


Oh Ashna, that is a wonderful idea!
Yes, listening and sharing is so vital in getting better. It might not seem much, but it actually is.


message 4: by Britt (new)

Britt | 123 comments I love this idea, and I would definitely participate in any discussions on such a thread.

When I was a teenager, I had an "e-mail pal" whom I would just tell everything about my life to, and she did the same to me, and I think we just kind of used this as our own "therapy sessions" when life got a bit tough (because let's face it, when you're a teenager, life is hard!).

So I'm all for a discussion group that is not necessarily focused on feminism alone. :)


message 5: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 194 comments I think this is a great idea! Communication and discussion are great ways to cope with life's struggles. I know really could have used something like this a couple years ago, and I love being able to be there for someone who needs a soundboard as well. I think the world could use a little more supporting one another.


message 6: by Robert (new)

Robert Smart | 335 comments I love this idea too Ashna! :):)


message 7: by Jillian (new)

Jillian (bookishjil) I looooove this idea!!!!


message 8: by [deleted user] (last edited Feb 02, 2018 12:05PM) (new)

It's a super cool and useful idea Ashna, thank you !

I'm a good listener and I love to share my own experiences with others.


message 9: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments ~Sharing (a) room~

Sharing (a) room - a phrase with many meanings... You can think of an actual room being shared by two people, a bedroom for example, or a doctor's office...
or not taking it literally, but rather figuratively... in laws, in public debate, in TV series and in public...
It hurts to be f*cking invisible, or rather, being made invisible... it hurts so much... when you, figuratively speaking, don't exist...
When you've shared space with persons and now you can't go to these places anymore because they really make you feel like you have to flee from them instantly in order to be safe again... when you have shaking hands and your muscles ache and you breathe faster and have problems thinking coherently, always this thought in the background: I need to get away here as soon as possible.
And then there is this other meaning of "sharing" - when you share stories, stories that you maybe have never told anyone before... because you were too afraid of the possible consequences, or too ashamed and the shame made you speechless, literally; the secrecy didn't give you a language to even speak about it... and you tell these stories, and you start to cry, because so much weight is lifted off your shoulders... and when you relate your story to someone and they are utterly shocked and can't understand how someone could have done this to you... and when you fear people are disgusted by you after yout told them, but they are just utterly shocked and don't know what to say in view of what you told what has been done to you... yes, has been, not had been, because the consequences are still very much real...
When you tell them how again someone mistreated you, and it took you a few weeks to build up the courage, to just ask one question, and they don't give it to you what you asked for and you feel devastated... Because it wasn't a question about any topic, it was a very specific question; no, it wasn't really a question, it was more a request, and you NEED what you asked for, otherwise you get sick... and afterwards, when you tell your best friend what just happened and literally have a break-down...
because you f*cking NEED that and it's not like you go for fun to this person to ask for what you so desperately NEED!!!!!!!

Sharing means a lot of things - it can mean a lot of bad things...


message 10: by Robert (new)

Robert Smart | 335 comments MeerderWörter wrote: "~Sharing (a) room~

Sharing (a) room - a phrase with many meanings... You can think of an actual room being shared by two people, a bedroom for example, or a doctor's office...
or not taking it lit..."


Sharing. When you listen to your best friend having a break down and feel helpless because you are watching through a computer screen and wish soo bad you can reach through the screen and hug them tightly but you can't and it tears you up inside.


message 11: by Ashley (new)

Ashley | 82 comments This is definitely something I think anyone could benefit from.

I know with technology and hectic schedules how easy it is to feel isolated, at least in my experience.


message 12: by Ash (new)

Ash (goodreadscomashna_gulati2609) | 205 comments Thank you for thinking about it everyone.I am glad that all of you would love to help someone with their trouble,even if it is by giving them words of motivation and helping them recover their stand on the ground.I expected no less of you wonderful people.

Meerder,thank you for bringing to light the different ways of sharing.I think it is important for us to know how good this sharing process could be to someone in a distant corner of the world. :)

Now,since most of us agree that this could be of great help,there is just one thing left to say.

Anybody feel like sharing anything? :)


message 13: by Stella (new)

Stella | 71 comments I am very glad that this online community can be a source of support for people.

I, too, suffered bullying growing up. I struggle with chronic illness and bouts of depression. I want so much to make the world a better place, but frequently feel insignificant in my efforts.

In following other people, even when I have little to say in response, I do not feel so alone. And that is something quite significant. So thank you.


message 14: by [deleted user] (last edited Feb 03, 2018 01:31PM) (new)

As I said on the Being Brown topic from @Ashna, this period of harassement was the darkest period of my life. It lasting two years during my teenage when I felt already bad about myself 'cause of my timidity. I seriously thought about suicide to escape the hell but I tried to stay strong.

After these two years, I changed schools and all was really better after.

When I lived that, I was alone against my problems, my familly didn't understood me and I didn't know other people in the same situation.

So, I think if I had a secure space with benevolent people to talk about my problems it would have helped me a lot.

On these kind of situations, we have only one real solution, STAY STRONG to get STRONGER after. And keep in mind you're not alone...


message 15: by Ester (new)

Ester Litago Rabasco (estercristinanoelia) | 96 comments Yes, I think it's a good idea :)


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

If we want the success of "The Sharing Room", we should ask moderators to lock this topic on the top of the list of Miscellaneous (if they find this idea useful obviously).

If not, this topic might be outdated really fast I think.

What do you think about that ?


message 17: by Ash (new)

Ash (goodreadscomashna_gulati2609) | 205 comments That is a pretty good idea Lewis.I had thought about the loss of the thread in the chaos,but I didn't know that the Mods could lock it at the top of any list.

I think if the Mods can,it would be great! :)


message 18: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments Ashna wrote: "That is a pretty good idea Lewis.I had thought about the loss of the thread in the chaos,but I didn't know that the Mods could lock it at the top of any list.

I think if the Mods can,it would be g..."


Yes, they can - you'll see a small dot in front of the title...


The Sharing Room - the title reminds me of the fact that I'll go to Copenhagen tomorrow (the fact that I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning is not so nice...), to meet with others at the 2nd OII Europe Community Event.
Why does the title remind me of it? Well, because the theme is story-telling, and that's what we do here as well... I know so many stories - horrible or at least unpleasant ones mostly - of my siblings, and I know I will always carry them in my heart, and they remind me not only of my own story, but that we have to keep pushing for change, so that one day the medical community will change its attitudes towards us. Will change their guidelines, will change how they view us...
Will not see us as a psychosocial emergency - but as humans - as babies, as teenagers, as adults... as who we are.
We all carry stories, and to remember them and sharing them is so vital... to carry them on, from generation to generation...


message 19: by [deleted user] (last edited Feb 06, 2018 12:36PM) (new)

No moderators to answer around here ? : )

@Meerder :

I didn't know this kind of event existed. It seems to be very useful indeed.

Good trip by the way. : )


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Meelie wrote: "I'll pin this for now.

Don't forget that you can actually be notified when people reply, via email or in app notifications. If you log on via a desktop, at the bottom of the thread, you can click..."


Thank you so much ! : )

It's a good thing for this useful topic.

Thanks for the tip by the way.

The option "Notify me when people reply" seems to be activated by default on my account.


message 21: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments My dear OurSharedShelf!

I'm sitting here not really knowing what to write about and yet knowing what I want to write about...

I am the wandering loner,
the shepherd looking after the sheep, wandering around lost,
I look into the world and wherever I look I see injustice...
It's exhausting, to turn from corner to corner and always find more and more people who need help...

Help...
that is what I would have needed, that little baby that I was.
But instead, they decided to cut me up, and do horrible things to me...
It didn't stop there... in my childhood...
I've spent much much too much time in hospitals, for whatever reason.
I was never given a choice - NEVER!

But now *I* have to live with the consequences.
But the worst is having to find out, bit by bit, the whole story, completing the jigsaw puzzle piece for piece.
Confusion - Anger - Rage - Hurt - Sadness

Until I was 16-17 years old, I thought I was the only person like me on the planet. Well, this is not the case:
https://www.facebook.com/oiieurope/ph...

Ugh, am I glad that winter is over, winter was awful. Having one's past stuck in one's head is NOT what I wish on somebody... I have enough of hospitals and doctors telling me what to do...
Well, it didn't stop with them telling me what to do... I wish doctors would have kept their fingers off me...

I wish I wouldn't be reminded of it every single day... EVERY SINGLE DAY
It is so tiring, everything...
To not see myself represented...
https://www.facebook.com/oiieurope/ph...

IntersexGenitalMutilation sucks, believe me...


message 22: by Leslie (new)

Leslie (lesliejean43) | 91 comments I'm very sorry, Meerder. Hugs.


message 23: by Pam (new)

Pam | 1070 comments Mod
I'm glad your taking time for you. There are injustices, but you need some love and self care attention too.

You are strong and very brave.


message 24: by Ash (new)

Ash (goodreadscomashna_gulati2609) | 205 comments V,we are always there for you.💛
I know none of us know how you feel,but I guess if there is something we all know and feel towards you is humanity.Thank you for sharing this with all of us,really.I don't feel sorry for you,because I feel so much respect for your bravery and strength.If there was this much bravery in the world,we'd be much better and it won't hurt me to say,that people like you make the world a better place to live in.

Stay strong V.We are here,should you need us. :)


message 25: by Robert (new)

Robert Smart | 335 comments MeerderWörter wrote: "My dear OurSharedShelf!

I'm sitting here not really knowing what to write about and yet knowing what I want to write about...

I am the wandering loner,
the shepherd looking after the sheep, wande..."



Meerder,

Everything I can say, I have said before.

You know my thoughts and feelings towards you and what you have been through and continue to go through.

To be there for you in whatever ways I can makes me feel whole in some way. I don’t know how else to describe it.

To have had our friendship grow into what it has become over the past year is something that I could not ever have imagined upon joining OSS.

As I said above:
You know how I feel! You know how much you mean to me!
You also know that I will continue to be here for you!

I don’t want to say “too” much here but also don’t want to “not” say enough.

You are and will always continue to be, my best friend.

(hug)


message 26: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments Thank you all for your messages, they mean the world to me!


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

@Meerder, I don't really know you but, according to what I see here, you seem to be one of the strongest person I ever seen and I'm proud to have the privilege to contribute beside you on this forum.

It's thanks to people like you the world change for the better.

With all my support.

Lewis


message 28: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments Lewis wrote: "@Meerder, I don't really know you but, according to what I see here, you seem to be one of the strongest person I ever seen and I'm proud to have the privilege to contribute beside you on this foru..."

Thank you Lewis.
Together, we will make the world a better place.
Buffy wrote this song for all of us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo6bf...


message 29: by MeerderWörter (last edited Apr 05, 2018 02:45PM) (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments To all of you who have so kindly written messages (and to everyone else who read what I wrote):

I hope I didn't shock you. I hope I didn't trigger any bad memories or feelings in you.
But I have kept back, I have not shared the worst, only the worse.

Thank you for having my back, my friends, you know who you are.


message 30: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 06, 2018 12:24PM) (new)

Dear MeerderWöter,

I do not know you, but what happened to you is sad. However, strenght flow through the words you are sharing in Our Share Shelf and they proove you are both a strong, a brave and a good person.

I cannot offer more than words to support you. I hesitated to reply in this thread or via private message.
Hold your head high, you inspire people not only by sharing a piece of what you experienced (and this is extremly brave!) but also by writing and trying to do what is right. And this is what humanity needs!

Hopefully my words were not awkward.

May you find the peace if it is not already done!

Regards,
Florian.


message 31: by Ester (new)

Ester Litago Rabasco (estercristinanoelia) | 96 comments MeerderWörter wrote: "My dear OurSharedShelf!

I'm sitting here not really knowing what to write about and yet knowing what I want to write about...

I am the wandering loner,
the shepherd looking after the sheep, wande..."

A very strong hug, I feel you're so sad!

MeerderWörter wrote: "My dear OurSharedShelf!

I'm sitting here not really knowing what to write about and yet knowing what I want to write about...

I am the wandering loner,
the shepherd looking after the sheep, wande..."

A very strong hug, I feel you're so sad!


message 32: by Laure (new)

Laure | 390 comments Hugs to you Meerder. We believe in you.


message 33: by Ash (new)

Ash (goodreadscomashna_gulati2609) | 205 comments 8-lay it down and it means infinity
8-lay it down and morons will see boobs or butts
8-In China it expresses the totality of the universe
8-In India it proved the totality of proposterously unimaginable inhuman fates
8-eight virtues of respect,honesty,courage,integrity,humility,compassion,patience and peacefulness
8-also the no. of men that lacked the unattainable virtue of humanity
8-the eight paths to Nirvana
8-also twice the no.of days that led to a drugged abused death
8-ALSO THE AGE OF THE GIRL WHO WAS GANGRAPED FOR 4 DAYS,FED ON ONLY DRUGS AND FINALLY MURDERED.
8..8..8..ate away my words.

So disgusted and shook by this news right now.I feel so small that it is so hard to even read it and I can't even imagine the heart these men would have had to do it.

The link to the article:
https://www.ndtv.com/blog/an-eight-ye...

Repost it if you can under the hashtag #JusticeForAsifa in purple,for that was the colour of her dress and her bruises.😔


message 34: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments Ashna wrote: "8-lay it down and it means infinity
8-lay it down and morons will see boobs or butts
8-In China it expresses the totality of the universe
8-In India it proved the totality of proposterously unimagi..."


Hugs to you Ashna.
There are no words to describe this.

I feel your pain.


message 35: by Leslie (new)

Leslie (lesliejean43) | 91 comments Ashna wrote: "8-lay it down and it means infinity
8-lay it down and morons will see boobs or butts
8-In China it expresses the totality of the universe
8-In India it proved the totality of proposterously unimagi..."


I did hear about that horrible tragedy. I am so sorry. It seems unbelievable that humans could behave in that way.


message 36: by [deleted user] (last edited Apr 14, 2018 03:56PM) (new)

Ashna wrote: "8-lay it down and it means infinity
8-lay it down and morons will see boobs or butts
8-In China it expresses the totality of the universe
8-In India it proved the totality of proposterously unimagi..."


Hi Hashna, : (

8 is also my favourite number.

This story makes me really really sad. : (

These mother****ers must go to hell for eternity.


message 37: by MeerderWörter (new)

MeerderWörter | 2388 comments I have written a thread on Twitter in the beginning of March.
I want to share it here, too.



#MeToo from an intersex perspective:

TW: IGM(examples), SA, SH






The #MeToo movement has already had its impact - and yet I wonder:
Why are we restricting ourselves? Why is it, that, again, only white, cisgender, dyadic women get the real attention? Don't get me wrong, I am glad it is being talked about, and I am glad that
at least something is happening - but I am wondering: Where is the coverage for everyone else?


MeToo is about limits, about boundaries, about respect, about trust, about CONSENT. And those are so often mistreated and breached for intersex people.


Why is it that what in other children is clearly seen as sexual abuse, is not seen as sexual abuse in OUR cases, when procedures are ordered or performed by a doctor?
Who the heck thinks it is okay to tell a child it has to dilate its vagina so it can have "normal" sex with its future husband?! We are talking about A CHILD here! Who thinks castrating children is okay because of a threat of cancer?! Sorry to be so blunt, but:

Do we chop off every woman's breast because she might develop cancer? No, of course we don't!


Why are we making children dependent on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of their lives? Without their FULLY INFORMED and FREE CONSENT?

When you don't have all the information available and necessary to make a decision that is irreversible and will have consequences for the rest of your life, how can you actually call this a decision and not what it is - forced on the individual?!

Society, get your act together and accept that there is more in nature than just male and female - yup, there is intersex TOO. And we're no problems to be fixed! We need love and respect like everyone else.

Yes, sometimes we have health issues and they need to be taken care of, but producing some because of cultural expectations? By thinking they have to rip out our testicles (and other stuff too...), have to fill us up with hormones....
...when we would have produced hormones ourselves anyways, or fill us up with hormones to "meet the levels" when we could take care of issues with other means as well...

How DARE doctors amputate or reduce the size of our clitorises?! A clitoris is the only organ in the body whose sole purpose is pleasure!!! Again, how is this not seen as sexual harassment and sexual abuse when doctors stare at one's bits...
...in order to find out if.... "everything goes expected".


Why hasn't this stopped a long time ago already? The first protest took place on October 26th, 1996 in Boston, MA. That is 22 years ago now! Why did we literally have to see a whole next generation grow up,who had and has to deal with the same issues?!
Where is the doctors' credo: First, do no harm?


When parents decide over your head about your future life to an extent that is irreversible and lifelong and at best, with a lot of luck you can maybe reverse some of the effects... but it'll never be the same again because a gonadectomy and an exstirpation of the clitoris are irreversible...
...how can you allow this to happen?!

These are medically UNNECESSARY procedures which are FORCED on the individual without their FULLY INFORMED and FREE consent.


Do you see the parallels to the bigger MeToo movement here? Because for me, this is definitely a part of it, and a part that needs to be listened to.
Intersex people, like anyone else, have health issues in their lifetime that need to be taken care of.
So why are doctors literally making health issues only for these health issues to be treated afterwards? Why are doctors scaring and scarring children so much that they are so afraid of doctors they won't go to doctors later in life, to the extent that they develop health issues that need to be taken care of?

Making people feel ashamed of their bodies, feeling dirty, unworthy, questioning what they can do so it all stops, not understanding what is happening to them, "forgetting" certain things that happened in order to protect themselves, just wanting to be left the way they are, being able to live a happy childhood without spending days, weeks in hospitals...

Making people feel as if they are "monsters", as if they are "freaks", as if they are something to be hidden away; being told to talk about it with no-one, feeling completely isolated and alone, disgusted at what they do to your body...

Hiding your body, because no-one is allowed to see what a freak you are...


If you read this, don't you think you see the similarities? Why is it, that when doctors are involved, we suddenly don't speak in terms of sexual assault and abuse and harassment anymore?
We can't allow them to have so much power we don't hold them accountable anymore. And do you recognise another thing they have in common, MeToo and IGM?

It's the silence.

Do you see now why I said in the beginning why it is bad when we leave out voices? Because I think this is as much a part of #MeToo as every other story of sexual assault and harassment and abuse. Regardless of who the person doing it, is.


We need to talk about it. As a society.


message 38: by Robert (new)

Robert Smart | 335 comments MeerderWörter wrote: "I have written a thread on Twitter in the beginning of March.
I want to share it here, too.



#MeToo from an intersex perspective:

TW: IGM(examples), SA, SH






The #MeToo movement has already..."


I still agree!
It is still sexual assault even if performed by a Doctor.
A Doctor who is doing a procedure without your knowledge or ability to refuse.


message 39: by Leslie (new)

Leslie (lesliejean43) | 91 comments Very well written, Meerder. I am very sorry for your experience.


message 40: by Robert (last edited May 06, 2018 03:54PM) (new)

Robert Smart | 335 comments MeerderWörter wrote: "I have written a thread on Twitter in the beginning of March.
I want to share it here, too.



#MeToo from an intersex perspective:



I should add that I feel that this is a similar setting to someone who is inebriated.

Someone who is too drunk to say NO is the same as someone who is too young to say NO.



message 41: by [deleted user] (last edited Aug 16, 2018 03:38PM) (new)

Emma wrote: "Robin wrote: "There is no "they," only me!
Is what they all say.
And get away."

Please, could you put all your thoughts into one long comment?"


This person has been writing tones of incoherent and sometime inappropriate/intrusive comments on several threads in attempt to get some attention. It smells toxic emotional manipulation (creepy stalking) or emotional pain either case this is inappropriate and disturbs the visibility of the threads' comments. I would advice to not waste your time with that, the moderators are probably talking to this person and are using "vacuum cleaner". Pain is something to acknowledge and express but in some cases it is overwhelming and intrusive for others and it becomes toxic. The key to cure such emotional pain is in ourselves not in other people, working on ourselves through therapy for instance may help to find a way.

Anyway if I was you Emma I would not bother with that ;)


message 42: by Simona (new)

Simona Scardino (findgrace) | 6 comments Hi everyone. My name is Simona and i'm writing from Italy. I'm a big fan of our shared shelf, it's always a wonderful source of inspiration, and i think the sharing room is a great idea. When i read the introduction i immediatly felt the need to write something.
I'm 28 and i'm the mother of a nine mounths old. My daughter is the most beautiful smart funny baby i've ever seen and i'm grateful for her every second of my life. It's hard tho. No matter how many book you read, no matter how many people warn you that "it's not gonna be easy", you'll never be truly ready for motherhood. My husband works all the time, i don't have a job so i stay at home with my baby 24/7. We live in Milan but we were born in different cities, so we don't have any support from our families, cause they live far away from us. Every day is starting to look the same and even though i love my family with all my heart, i kinda fell like i've lost myself. My thoughts are constantly focused on the baby, on my husband's job problems, on our family needs, on the baby's future. But when i think about my future, i see nothing. I dropped college years ago cause i was really depressed and i couldn't face the stress of exams. I kept failing until i left. All i wanted was to fell safe in my own house, with my own family, and build my own happy place. I just wanted to stop worrying about my future, because it was too much, i couldn't handle it. And now that i actually have my own happy place, i'm starting to realise that it's not going to last forever. My daughter is going to grow up, faster than i can possibly immagine, and i am not going to be a full time mommy forever. Things change, and i want them to change that way because that's what is supposed to happen. But i really need to start doing something with my own life. I just don't know, after all this time, with all my fears of failure..i just don't know how to get back on track. Did anyone get through something like that? Any advice will be appreciated. Even if you want to suggest a book that you think is helpful.
ps. i'm sorry for my weird english. I'm still learning. Goodnight!


message 43: by A. (new)

A. Lopez-tolman Hi Simone, read your note and thought I would write to you. I am at the other end of life, my children are 29 and 26. When my now 29 years old daughter was a baby, I was trying to finish a PhD. I was always tired and lost motivation, so I did not finish it. When my children were little, I was at home with them, and it was the best thing for them without any doubt. They had stability and a secure, loving environment. Now they are young adults, and I wish I had pursued finishing my studies, and got some relevand work experience (my subject is Biochemistry) because now it is very difficult for me to get a job. Not enough experience, a non linear c.v., and age goes against me. Like you, I did not have any support structure to give me a break around me, I was and still am, far from family. It is not easy by any means, but maybe you can at least start thinking about what you would like to do, what you would enjoy learning about. You have time, no need to rush, just start finding out where you would like to be, so when your lovely girl starts nursery or school, you have planned what you will be doing. You are so right! Time flies, and before you know it, they have grown up and left the home. However, do enjoy her as much as you can, it is such a gift from Life! Your English is very good! Keep practising it. If I think of a book to recommend, I will let you know. Don't know of any at the moment. Best wishes, Alma. x


message 44: by [deleted user] (last edited Oct 28, 2018 08:35PM) (new)

Some people "start their life" at the age of 38. Every situation is specific and it is difficult to answer you.
You probably heard that: failures are not the end, they are one of the most helpful event one can experience.
Fearing failure is also usual and it is once again a good thing since it may motivate someone even more. It means how important the task/project you are trying to complete is for you! :)

What topics/field did you study? Did you like it? Do you think you could go back to school?
Do you think coaching could help you? I know that some people do some coaching therapy and it often helps to face and overcome fears! ;)

I do not want to be too direct, but I think you may need to take time for yourself in order to figure out how you want to develop yourself and in what way! I think the answers are in your self but maybe you need someone to ask you the good questions.

If I think someone has lack of confidence or low self-esteem I would probably advice to find a way to push her/his limits so that he/she would realize how strong and powerful he/she is ;) Of course I am not saying that's your case.

Yes, it will be hard but it worth it!

Good luck to you!


message 45: by Simona (new)

Simona Scardino (findgrace) | 6 comments Florian wrote: "Somr people "start their life" at the age of 38. Every situation is specific and it is difficult to answer you.
You probably heard that: failures are not the end, they are one of the most helpful e..."


Exactly! I need someone to ask me the right questions! See, it's not just the fear of failure and the extremely low self esteem. I don't really know what i want to do with my life, which field is better for me, what am i good at. I studied literature and i really liked it, except for a few latin exams. But I don't think it would be a great idea to start again with that kind of study. I wish someone could tell me "hey you're really good at this! You should pursue a career in this field!". I fell like i have a lot of hobbies, a lot of thinks that i'm interested in but not a real passion. The one that makes you work hard and reach your goals.


message 46: by Simona (new)

Simona Scardino (findgrace) | 6 comments A. wrote: "Hi Simone, read your note and thought I would write to you. I am at the other end of life, my children are 29 and 26. When my now 29 years old daughter was a baby, I was trying to finish a PhD. I w..."

Hi Alma, thank you for the kind words. I can really see myself in what you say.. You're right, i have to think about what i want for myself. It is hard, i wish i was like my friends. They always knew what they wanted to become, even when we were kids.


message 47: by [deleted user] (last edited Oct 29, 2018 08:17PM) (new)

I am not sure if many people are able to figure out at ehat someone else is good at. Of course a small part of the population has this incredible ability and they are usually mentors but it is not a job. You may want to try coaching therapy and of course do not hesitate to meet different coach to find one who could suit you. No worries, usually you know when you find the good person ;) you just feel it.
There are so many jobs in the world so many things to explore! You'll probably find something. Try to work on your fear of failure and you will move 🗻! :)

Kind and watchful mentors are such a gift!


message 48: by Simona (new)

Simona Scardino (findgrace) | 6 comments Florian wrote: "I am not sure if many people are able to figure out at ehat someone else is good at. Of course a small part of the population has this incredible ability and their are usually mentors but it is not..."

Thank you Florian :)


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

Your welcome! 😉


message 50: by Pam (new)

Pam | 1070 comments Mod
Simona wrote: "I wish someone could tell me "hey you're really good at this! You should pursue a career in this field!"

Some words of wisdom from: first decide: will your job be something that you love to do or will your job provide for you so you can do the things you love. I.e. Is your job your passion or will it be something that pays for your passion.

Both answers are acceptable. The key is to be honest with yourself.

And the second question you should ask is how ambitious are you? Are you someone who wants to have the same job for years on end or do you want to constantly go after the next promotion, the next opportunity?

These will begin to help you decide. (As will other issues like education, time, cost, location etc. But it will help narrow down the list so you can decide)

And lastly... (if not contradictory) life has a habit of changing. So the pressure you feel right now to decide on a job that will effect "THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" is only going to last this moment. In 5 years, it very well could change. So do yourself the favor and stop fretting. Having options is good because no matter which path you take... skills can translate over.

I.e. If you start as an engineer, you very well could take a position as a technical writer or a program manager or a science educator

if you start in the medical field, you can change from hospitals to private practice to hospital administration or in-care specialist

if you start as an office admin this can translate into accounting, HR, etc.

Life isn't a straight line, and neither will be your career.Sometimes it's a jungle gym.


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