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Journals : M-P > "One Day We Won't Feel This Pain Anymore" - Evanescence

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TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Hello, I'm Teddy Bear and this is going to be my journal. Yay~

Full disclosure for anyone thinking about reading it, there will probably be me talking about the topics of friendship, relationship, family, depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicide, it's things that I go through and have gone through. You may comment on my journal, just try to keep the comments clean and non harmful or judgemental please.


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) There was a topic tonight that a friend of mine was going through. A girl that I roleplay with suddenly told me that she had started being bullied on this website. A beautiful, 22 year old woman being bullied on a website that's mainly for books....

This just got me thinking more and more abut bullying, something that I didn't think I was going to think about tonight, Christmas Day. For all of my 21 years of living on this Earth, I never understood why people bully one another. I've been bullied in my life many times, all for different reasons. I've been bullied because of my sexuality, I've been bullied because of my weight, I've been bullied for the way that I think, the things that I say and the things that I think about. Pretty much every single component of myself that make me "me", someone along the way, someone down the road decided to say something about it that was suppose to make me feel terrible about the way that I am. And sometimes it worked.

Probably the thing that they got to me the most is my weight. I've been overweight for many years (I'm planning to burn it off once the new year starts with my brother so we can motivate one another) but that doesn't make me ugly. That doesn't make me any less beautiful than anyone else on the planet. I wore a dress yesterday to Christmas Eve at my sisters and I don't wear dresses often. And when I first looked at myself, I was just thinking about how terrible I looked. I have large legs, I have stretch marks on my boobs and waist and thighs. I have large breasts, a large butt and I'm very thick thighed and I didn't like the way I looked.

But as the night went on and I looked at some pictures later, I though that I looked amazing. It shouldn't matter what anyone else things. Hell, I'm an atheist that walked into a Presbyterian church last night with a Pentagram around my neck! Why should I care about something that someone along the way just decided, in their own personal opinion, isn't beautiful?

The point I'm trying to make is I never understood bullying. It's a horrible, horrible thing to do to someone and you would think that once you get older, it wouldn't bother you anymore. Well, my 22 year old friend was obviously bothered and even me, I still get bothered by it. Sometimes I catch my co-workers looking at me and whispering, as soon as I pass by, they stop. I know they're talking about me and it does bother me. But it doesn't bother me to the point of hating myself. It bothers me the most that I still let it bother me. Because even though I know they're wrong and I know that I am so much more than what they might say about me, it still gets to me. This has been happening to me since Elementary school, over 10 years ago! And it still can bother me....

Kinda ridiculous if you think about it...


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Going through all the roleplays that I'm doing tonight and how many I've managed to start over the past 2 days got me really thinking about a girl I'm no longer friends with. I roleplayed with her since 2013 and now, as of just a few days ago, we no longer roleplay together or talk.

I remember one Christmas, all I did with her all day was just roleplay and talk and laugh about how amazing it was going and how much we loved it. I wish I could be doing the same thing this Christmas....Maybe just got me a little bit down in the dumps :)

I didn't get a chance to talk to her fully about why the friendship ended because I didn't want to hear her excuses and what she had to say, since she just suddenly dropped me as a friend so suddenly on social media. Maybe I should have...but maybe it would have left me with too much stress, too much to think about that the enjoyment from my holiday would have been gone. So maybe it was best.....maybe it wasn't. I think that it had gotten to the point of me just not wanting to deal with the stress every time we spoke to one another or tried to figure out where the RP was going next. It became toxic eventually...

I dunno. Best to let go of people that are hurting you in some way or causing you some sort of stress before it gets too bad, right?

And it's not her fault, it's mine too. Maybe if I didn't say some things I said....Or maybe if I had a different tone. I think it started becoming this way when I went through my depression earlier this year.

That, however, is not something I wanna think or write about on Christmas Eve. Some other time :)


message 4: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments TEDDYYYYYYYYY!!!


 Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase and Alex Fierro are the best~ (percybluefood) | 25522 comments OMG I LOVE THE TITLE OF THIS JOURNAL!!


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Hehehe, thanks~ I also have a tattoo on my right foot that says the same thing.


message 8: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments So awesome to see you here! :D


message 10: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments Yeah I have a journal here too! :)


Lynx ~ 10/1 Never Forgotten | 5901 comments Totally random, but I love the title here. Such a beautiful song. <3 Also, from what I have observed you seem to have a lovely soul. <3


message 12: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments She is an awesome girl! <3


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Thank you Lynx and Ahana!! ^^

Ahana, what's your journal? :o


message 14: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments The name is a long one XD

"Today I am the Queen......" XD


message 16: by Ahana~ (new)

Ahana~  (kingahana) | 1706 comments But your title is great!


 Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase and Alex Fierro are the best~ (percybluefood) | 25522 comments Teddy Bear ~~HarpyAshe~~ **Can You Live A Life Of Peace And Happiness? I Don't Think So!!** wrote: "Hehehe, thanks~ I also have a tattoo on my right foot that says the same thing."

omg!! I love Evanescence!!


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Sometimes the noises that I make are even strange to me....I realize that I make a lot of grunting noises.....And I don't honestly know why that is like my first reaction a lot of the time LOL


message 21: by Hallie (new)

Hallie (inkyhallie) | 16131 comments *pops in* You have such a beautiful title! *disappears*


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) This is the first time since we've moved in that my brother actually helped me cook dinner. This is a historical moment to be sure lol he also probably did it because he was being a bit of a jerk earlier....so to make up for it I suppose haha


 Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase and Alex Fierro are the best~ (percybluefood) | 25522 comments Teddy Bear ~~HarpyAshe~~ **Can You Live A Life Of Peace And Happiness? I Don't Think So!!** wrote: "Yeah, they're amazing :3"

Agreed!


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) I'm going to be bringing another furry fluff ball into my family today! My brother brought home a cat to our apartment on Christmas that he took from his sister. And now we're gonna go to the APL and find a little kitten to take home and love forever!


Lynx ~ 10/1 Never Forgotten | 5901 comments Dawwww <3 that's adorable. I love kittens. I just got a puppy but the next pet we are likely to get is a kitten. Probably not for awhile though. I hope you find the perfect kitten for your home. <3


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) I hope everyone had a nice new year. I spent my night last night watching Avatar the Last Airbender with my boyfriend, finished the last season after he left and didn't even know it was the new year until I was almost done with the last episodes and my brother came in to wish me, and the cat that was curled up on my chest, a happy new years lol It was fun, a nice, quiet way to go into the new year, unlike a friend on facebook who said she was drunk and arguing with a girl at a bar for being rude to a waitress. Glad that wasn't my night hahaha


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) Today was a good morning ^^

I woke up early and played with my cat a little bit, she loved the mice on the end of a string that we got her, she just chased after it and jumps around like a crazy lady haha and I actually ate breakfast! And it was cereal! I haven't eaten cereal in months!

So yeah, productive morning if you ask me LOL


TeddyBear {HarpyAshe}  **Well You Built Up A World Of Magic, Cause Your Real Life Is Tragic** (harpyashe) "Can I Stay Alive Forever?"

Ahhh!! This is from one of my favorite Breaking Benjamin songs. They are probably by far my favorite band in the whole world and I honestly never would have gotten into them if it wasn't for my sister now that I think about it...She did something good haha

I have a tattoo of one of their song lyrics on my foot actually, it says "I live To Fight And Die Another Day". If I can ever figure out how to work the HTML thing (funny I've been RPing on this website since 2012 and I never figured out how to use it) I'll probably post pictures of my tattoos. I have 4 in total :3

But

Yeah!

Breaking Benjamin rules! *cheers*


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