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Authors Seeking FREE Betas > YA Fantasy First 4 Ch. Feedback

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message 1: by Alessandra (new)

Alessandra Johnson | 4 comments Hello all,

I'd like to get some feedback on my first 4 chapters to my YA fantasy novel I've written. I've "completed" the novel but I'm doing major revisions and would like to know how the revisions fit. It's very strange for me to add so much new material to material that's already there, so I'm left wondering if it flows, is it choppy, do the characters feel weird, etc.

I received a critique from a literary agent (I attended a one-time offer webinar she hosted) and she said that I needed more voice in my story. I had mostly action, dialogue and description but not enough internal voice where the readers could get to know and relate to the MC. So if anyone is interested and would like to help, please let me know! The 4 chapters are approximately 16,000 words in total. Below is my attempt at a query letter so you get a vague idea what the novel is about. I'd like to get feedback within a month of sending the chapters. Thank you!

Query letter:

16 year old Nefarious perpetually lives in a lose-lose situation. That tends to happen when you’re the only human in demon territory during a human-demon war. Stuck between demons hating her for being human, humans hating her for being a “traitor”, and the demon General’s impossible expectations for Nefarious to help end the war, Nefarious doesn’t want either side to win. Surprisingly, she wants them to come to a truce. That’s because she believes it’s the only way she’ll get what she wants most in life: freedom.

Her freedom seems like a real possibility when the only royal heir to the human kingdom is caught as a prisoner of war. She sees it as her golden opportunity: save the prince, negotiate peace treaty terms, and then disappear where no one can find her ever again. Except… things are never that easy.

The demon General forces Nefarious to go to the human kingdom to negotiate their surrender in exchange for the prince. Nefarious obeys because if she doesn’t the prince is dead; if the prince is dead, Nefarious has no leverage for a peace treaty or her freedom. With expectations the king and queen will readily discuss negotiations for the return of their only son, Nefarious is not only surprised but also disgusted when they show no interest of saving him. She quickly realizes the dangerous game she’s entered and it’s not just the prince’s life that hangs in the balance… it’s hers too.

message 2: by Jac (new)

Jac | 7 comments Hi Alessandra, this sounds really interesting. I'd be happy to read over your first 4 chapters as this is a genre I'm interested in and I love 'inner voice', so I think I'd be able to spot what's missing, or make comment on when I'd have liked it. I'm not a professional, but I write short stories myself and understand character development and narrative, so I'd be able to keep an eye on whatever you'd like to work on or develop. I'd be fresh eyes I guess and I'm a fast reader too so I should be able to have this work count read in a week, depending on how much feedback you'd like.

message 3: by Alessandra (new)

Alessandra Johnson | 4 comments Hi Jac!

Great, thank you so much! I understand you're not a professional but I'm hopeful your familiarity with inner voice will help me get where I need to be. :) If you want to private message me your email, I'll send you an email with my Word attachment before I go to bed tonight. Thank you, again, for your offer!


message 4: by Manasa (new)

Manasa Kannan | 111 comments sent you a PM :)

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