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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help-Paranormal & urban, Guardian

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message 1: by Yakiri (last edited Oct 18, 2017 01:52PM) (new)

Yakiri Truth (yakiritruth) | 10 comments I used Facebook to market my debut novel. I received over 2000 views, but these did not translate into sales. I suspect I may need to update my blurb. What do you think:

Sarae is the Lieutenant General of the Heavenly Army, handpicked by the Archangel Michael to be a guardian. Her ward is Ahreyal, the only child born to an archangel and the most powerful of the Yarondi species.

For twenty-two years, Ahreyal is successfully hidden among humans, but the respite is over. Azazel, a fallen angel who declared war against the Heavens and humanity, has found her. Forced to reveal the secrets she’s kept hidden for Ahreyal’s protection, Sarae must teach Ahreyal the truth about herself, and help her to unlock her angelic abilities. She has no time for love or her personal feelings.

Christopher has loved Sarae since the first moment he saw her, in the Heavens. For centuries, he served at her side in the Heavenly Army, protecting her as she protected others. This time is different; his ability to sense danger tells him an unknown enemy is lurking in the shadows – it wants Sarae dead. Now, Christopher has his own mission: protect the angel he’s loved for centuries and convince her to stop fighting her feelings long enough to fall in love.


message 2: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Your blurb is intriguing. I don't really see anything wrong with it but if you really must, it might help to tweak it a bit by replacing some of the passive verbs (to be) with more active ones.

For twenty-two years, Sarae has successfully hid Ahreyal among humans, but after the fallen angel Azazel, who declared war against the Heavens and humanity, finds her ward, Sarae must reveal the truth she's kept from her and help her unlock her angelic abilities.

I reformulated a bit because for instance, you had Ahreyal's name written twice in the same sentence.

I think you can skip the last sentence of the paragraph: She has no time for love or her personal feelings. One might guess that if she needs to teach something so extraordinary to someone, she must not have much time left for anything else. I think it's a given.

The last paragraph is also a bit repetitive. You start by saying Christopher has loved Sarae since the moment he saw her and he served at her side for centuries. I don't think you need to add that he's loved her for centuries in the last sentence. I'd keep one or the other but not both.

(Now, this has nothing to do with the blurb, but if you'd put your main book page set so when someone click on the amazon link it actually leads to the book instead of a 'not found' page. It might help with the sales. Just saying.)


message 3: by Yakiri (last edited Oct 21, 2017 10:38AM) (new)

Yakiri Truth (yakiritruth) | 10 comments I updated it:

Sarae is the Lieutenant General of the Heavenly Army, handpicked by the Archangel Michael to be a guardian. Her ward is Ahreyal, the only child born to an archangel and the most powerful of the Yarondi species.

She successfully hid Ahreyal among humans for twenty-two years, but after the fallen angel Azazel, who declared war against the Heavens and humanity, finds her ward, Sarae must reveal the truth she's kept from her and help her unlock her angelic abilities.

Christopher has always been at Sarae's side, protecting her as she protects others. This time is different; his ability to sense danger tells him an unknown enemy is lurking in the shadows – it wants Sarae dead. Now, Christopher has his own mission: protect the angel he’s loved for centuries and convince her to stop fighting her feelings long enough to fall in love.


message 4: by Seth (new)

Seth Creamer | 2 comments I'm not sure what I'm basing this on, as I definitely do not qualify as an expert, but my general impression is that there is too much going on in the blurb. You're giving me the kind of details I should find out by reading the book. In my personal opinion, the blurb should be significantly shortened, too many names and details to keep it straight without mental effort, and since its a blurb I'm not invested enough in the story to put any effort in. I give up and click on the next cover that looks interesting. Just my opinion.


message 5: by Yakiri (new)

Yakiri Truth (yakiritruth) | 10 comments Seth wrote: "I'm not sure what I'm basing this on, as I definitely do not qualify as an expert, but my general impression is that there is too much going on in the blurb. You're giving me the kind of details I ..."

Thank you so much for your feedback Seth. I appreciate your assistance with this.


message 6: by Yakiri (new)

Yakiri Truth (yakiritruth) | 10 comments G.G. wrote: "Your blurb is intriguing. I don't really see anything wrong with it but if you really must, it might help to tweak it a bit by replacing some of the passive verbs (to be) with more active ones.

Fo..."


Thanks so much GG. I'll work on the it and re-post it for opinions.

My page is working now. There was an issue with the DNS server that was resolved today. I appreciate the feedback.


message 7: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Yakiri wrote: "My page is working now. There was an issue with the DNS server that was resolved today. I appreciate the feedback..."

What I meant was here on Goodreads. Your book's main page, when you click on it from your profile leads to the smashword link. Since there are far more buyers who go to Amazon, I'd put the book so it goes to the page with that link first. Not that it matters much but since both covers say ebook and not kindle...it could be misleading. (But I am off subject, sorry)

Seth is right. Your blurb contains a lot of things that people should discover as they read. Personally, the first paragraph doesn't catch my attention at all when it should be the one pulling the readers in. I'd leave it out entirely. Starting with Sarea successfully hiding her wars is far more intriguing. Readers will want to know why Ahreyal was kept hidden. It hints that she is special.

The last paragraph could be shortened too. For a start, I'd remove the 'This time is different'. It is not needed and it is also vague. What is different? A new ability or the fact he actually has to protect her? If the later, why was he her protector before? See why I don't think this sentence adds anything at all to the blurb?
I've played with the blurb again and tried to cut the parts that I think might be best for the readers to discover along the way. The problem with what I wrote is that I am an overuser of the conjunction 'but'... I couldn't find another way to say it BUT I am sure you can. :P (This is mostly just an idea. I hope it helps a little bit.)


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Sarae successfully hid Ahreyal among humans for twenty-two years, but after the fallen angel Azazel, who declared war against the Heavens and humanity, finds her ward, she must reveal the truth she's kept from her and help her unlock her angelic abilities.

Christopher has always looked after Sarae. When his ability to sense danger warns him of an unknown enemy lurking in the shadows, he'll do anything to protect the angel he's loved for centuries, but can he convince her to stop fighting her feelings long enough to fall in love?


message 8: by Yakiri (new)

Yakiri Truth (yakiritruth) | 10 comments G.G. wrote: "Yakiri wrote: "My page is working now. There was an issue with the DNS server that was resolved today. I appreciate the feedback..."

What I meant was here on Goodreads. Your book's main page, when..."


Thank you for letting me know!! I didn't realize that was an issue, but I've corrected it. The Amazon version is the primary version for Guardian now.

Also, I'm glad you mentioned removing the first paragraph, I was actually thinking the same thing after reading Seth's feedback.


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