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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - YA Sci-fi - Girl Vs

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message 1: by X. (last edited Oct 18, 2017 12:45PM) (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments Not hating but not loving this blurb. Any feedback / suggestions would be great.

Before the invasion, Rhyan was an ordinary teen struggling through high school. But when the Vela arrive, and she is thrust into the madness of a kill-or-be-killed world, she vows to avenge her family’s death. Stumbling through the new morals of a post-apocalyptic world, she learns to depend only on herself. As she gets closer to discovering what the aliens actually want, her lethality becomes unmatched, and the drastic extents she’ll take to survive become nearly unbearable.


message 2: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments I'm sorry I can't be of much help. You had me at aliens. ;)


message 3: by Noor (new)

Noor Al-Shanti | 148 comments I think the only thing really getting to me was the use of all the words drastic, unmatched, lethality and unbearable all in the last part of one sentence. It just feels like too much "upping the stakes" if that makes any sense.

Also, just for the lols, I read Vela as "Veela" in my head and imagined the Veela from Harry Potter!

Other than that, I actually liked it a lot. Sounds interesting.


message 4: by X. (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments V.M. wrote: "It's got some of the right elements, but it needs a little refining to outline the following:

Rhyan's Age - Freshman or Senior? Makes a difference.

Identify the setting - Colorado or California?
..."


I'm working on tweaks based on these suggestions. I'll post when I've made the changes I think will work. Thank you!


message 5: by X. (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments G.G. wrote: "I'm sorry I can't be of much help. You had me at aliens. ;)"

Lol, I might have known. :)


message 6: by X. (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments Noor wrote: "I think the only thing really getting to me was the use of all the words drastic, unmatched, lethality and unbearable all in the last part of one sentence. It just feels like too much "upping the s..."

Now that you mention it, yes, I can see that last sentence is a little much. The "Vela" is actually pronounced Veela, and I knew of the HP ties, but went with it anyway. There's an explanation in the book as to why they're given that name, so hopefully that helps readers disassociate the two. Thanks for your feedback!


message 7: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
X. wrote: "Not hating but not loving this blurb. Any feedback / suggestions would be great."

Well, you had a vote for "had me at aliens". I have to say you lost me at "ordinary teen". It's cliched. I see it on so many blurbs and I never know how to feel about it. "Ordinary" makes me think, "bland", "boring", "ho hum". Would you write about an ordinary year in the life of a character? I hope not. If not, then why write about an ordinary girl? Tell me what is interesting about her!

The whole family being killed in some apocalyptic alien raid and the teenager must seek revenge is very cliched. That does not mean you shouldn't write a book about it. After all, this kind of thing is very in right now. But, please, tell us what is unique about your book. Give us a hint as to how your take on such a story is different from everyone else's.


message 8: by X. (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments Although it doesn't adopt all the suggestions, I think this one is better than the first.

Before the invasion, Rhyan was an unremarkable 17-year-old struggling just to get through a day of school. But after the Vela arrive, and she is thrust into the madness of a kill-or-be-killed world, her true strength is forced to materialize. Stumbling through the new morals of a post-apocalyptic world, she learns to depend only on herself. As she gets closer to discovering what the aliens actually want, her lethality becomes unmatched, and the extents she must take to survive become nearly unbearable.

Still not sure ending it with "nearly unbearable" is the best idea.

Maybe change the last line to

"As she gets closer to discovering what the aliens actually want, her lethality becomes unmatched, and she soon learns the extent she'll go to in order to survive."

?


message 9: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
Unremarkable, like ordinary, reads "uninteresting". Is she truly a dull character?


message 10: by G.G. (last edited Oct 19, 2017 07:30PM) (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments What would you suggest, Dwayne? That she keeps it to the minimum?

X, I hope you don't mind, I reformulated the beginning to try to remove the 'ordinary/unremarkable' words and kept the rest as close as it was as possible.

Before the Vela invaded Earth, 17-year-old Rhyan only had to worry about how to go through a day of school, but when she is thrust into the madness of a kill-or-be-killed world, her true strength materializes. Stumbling through the new morals of a post-apocalyptic world, she learns to depend only on herself. As she gets closer to discovering what the aliens actually want, her lethality becomes unmatched, and she soon learns the extent she'll go to in order to survive.

Now may I ask more info about the 'nearly unbearable'?
I think it's a little vague. I might be wrong but your second choice gives us a clearer explanation.


message 11: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
G.G. wrote: "What would you suggest, Dwayne? That she keeps it to the minimum?"

I don't know the character, so I can't really make a specific suggestion. All I can say is that I see words like "normal", "average", "unremarkable" and so on and it makes me think the character is uninteresting. Funny, bright, spunky, stubborn, awkward and so on would all be adjectives to make the character sound more interesting.


message 12: by X. (last edited Oct 19, 2017 08:25PM) (new)

X. Culletto | 34 comments G.G. wrote: "What would you suggest, Dwayne? That she keeps it to the minimum?

X, I hope you don't mind, I reformulated the beginning to try to remove the 'ordinary/unremarkable' words and kept the rest as cl..."


Ooh, I love this. The first sentence is so much better and I'm stealing the whole thing. It sounds very professional--thank you. :)
To go into "nearly unbearable" may be getting too specific for a blurb, so I think I like the final sentence as you've written.


Dwayne, the story (which is ready for publication--I'm just waiting on Kindle Scout before I set it loose on KDP) begins after the aliens have taken over. Her memories of her life before are what clue the reader into the fact that she was "unremarkable", but when the reader meets her in the first sentence, she has already undergone a dramatic transformation and is anything but 'normal' or 'average'--she's quite feisty actually. One of the themes, then, is that although people's strengths may not be utilized in the world as we know it, they may have underlying ones waiting to shine through in different circumstances--which is why I was using the words 'unremarkable' and 'average' to describe her origin. But perhaps I'm trying too hard to convey that in a simple blurb.


message 13: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Glad I could be of some help :)
(Do I need to tell you this will go on my long to-read list? hehe)


message 14: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
Then how about:

The Vela have invaded the earth. Feisty seventeen-year-old Rhyan is thrust into the madness...


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