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Denise Baer
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HELP! > Editing for Blurb

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message 1: by Denise (last edited Oct 11, 2017 09:45AM) (new)

Denise Baer Hello Everyone,

I think I've finally nailed my book blurb for my crime mystery novel by incorporating details unique to my book.

Now I need the punctuation edited, which isn't my strong point. If you get a chance, can you please let me know what needs changing.

Blurb:

"Time suckles memories and horrors of our lives. It brings clarity to the inevitable."

With violence on the rise in Chicago, Detectives Row Ferguson and Jonah Rome’s strained partnership increases tension within the District when they are assigned the year’s most gruesome murders. A young man, and two attorneys, tortured and painted with their own blood. Pieces of metal left at each scene—the killer’s signature. The city’s leaders, their boss, and the families of the victims are eager for justice, but they’re all unwilling to become involved or support the direction of the cases. Ferguson and Rome must find new angles for a resolution. But the disappearance of evidence, and one of the detectives, jeopardizes their futures.

Is someone trying to sabotage the cases? Will they find the killer before they lose more than their reputation?


message 2: by Dale (new)

Dale Lehman (dalelehman) | 1704 comments I'll suggest an edited version later today. This is just to remind myself, and to ask you to bug me if you don't hear from me. Sometimes I loose track of things. :-P


message 3: by Denise (new)

Denise Baer Dale wrote: "I'll suggest an edited version later today. This is just to remind myself, and to ask you to bug me if you don't hear from me. Sometimes I loose track of things. :-P"

Thanks much, Dale.


message 4: by Dale (new)

Dale Lehman (dalelehman) | 1704 comments Denise,

Here's what I came up with. It mostly is just a rearrangement of what you already had, although I embellished a little. A few comments follow.

----------
"Time suckles memories and horrors of our lives. It brings clarity to the inevitable."

When Chicago Detectives Row Ferguson and Jonah Rome are handed the most gruesome murders in a year of soaring violence, their strained partnership is pushed to the edge. A young man and two attorneys lie dead, their tortured bodies painted with their own blood, strange pieces of metal placed by the killer at their sides. Everyone cries for justice: city leaders, the detectives' boss, and the families of the victims. Yet not one cooperates with the investigation. Ferguson and Rome are forced to walk a legal and emotional tightrope without a net.

And then evidence disappears. And Rome vanishes.

Their reputations and lives on the line, the detectives must confront a chilling possibility: is someone close to them sabotaging the investigation?
----------

First: "Rome vanishes." Obviously I don't know which of them vanishes. But I think you should put in the name. If you're going to say one of them vanishes, you're not giving away much by saying which one.

Second: I took a few liberties that I hope reflect what actually happens in the book, but bear in mind that I haven't read it yet. Most of these liberties are intended to intensify the tension. If you need to change them, try to replace them with something else that intensifies the tension.

Third: I don't know if you worked on putting keywords into this. If so, I may have messed it up a bit. Apologies if so.

Finally: I assume the quote that leads it off is from the book. I'm a bit unsure of it myself, but that may just be me. I had to read it twice to get it to make sense (which may astound you, but I didn't get much sleep last night). If other people seem to like it, go with it.

I hope this helps.


message 5: by Denise (new)

Denise Baer Hi Dale,

I appreciate your input. I've been through the blurb many times and with outside help, I am comfortable with my version. I'm basically looking for help with the punctuation.

Thanks for your time.

Take Care.
Denise


message 6: by Amy (new)

Amy Hamilton | 2560 comments Hi Denise,

I ran it through Grammarly and ProWritingAid for punctuation. It took some commas out and came out with this:
-----

"Time suckles memories and horrors of our lives. It brings clarity to the inevitable."

With violence on the rise in Chicago, Detectives Row Ferguson and Jonah Rome’s strained partnership increases tension within the District when they are assigned the year’s most gruesome murders. A young man and two attorneys tortured and painted with their own blood. Pieces of metal left at each scene—the killer’s signature. The city’s leaders, their boss, and the families of the victims are eager for justice, but they’re all unwilling to become involved or support the direction of the cases. Ferguson and Rome must find new angles for a resolution. But the disappearance of evidence and one of the detectives jeopardizes their futures.

Is someone trying to sabotage the cases? Will they find the killer before they lose more than their reputation?
----

Don't know if that helps.


message 7: by Denise (new)

Denise Baer Thank you, Amy! I hear people talking about those applications, but I've never used them. I appreciate your time.

Take care.
Denise


message 8: by Amy (new)

Amy Hamilton | 2560 comments No problem. I use them both all the time now. I've got the free version of Grammarly, but I upgraded the PWA and paid for the extras. I swear they disagree with each other but they are good for double checking things.


message 9: by Denise (new)

Denise Baer Yeah. I have an editor for my books, but for blog posts and blurbs, I'm usually just looking for punctuation help. Thanks again.


message 10: by Dale (new)

Dale Lehman (dalelehman) | 1704 comments No problem. I just thought it worth offering a suggestion in case you were open to it. It's your book, of course.


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