Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion

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Life Without Ed - Short Sections > My Private Platoon (Getting rid of Ed clothes, pg 69-70)

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message 1: by Jenni (last edited Oct 02, 2017 06:31PM) (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Thanks to Christina and Heidi, here is a new thread.

Do you have clothes in your closet that benefit Ed more than recovery? Maybe, it is time to donate some clothes in the service of your health.

In this thread, commit to getting rid of your Ed clothes. You can even just bring your skinny jeans, as an example, to your therapist. Maybe your treatment team can hold onto your Ed clothes for awhile. Then, later, I'd bet you are willing to let these powerful clothes go for good. Because, the truth is that you really are more powerful than your eating disorder.

You can also check out the powerful clothes exercise on page 85 of Life Without Ed.

I look forward to hearing about your commitments to create a happier closet!

** Please remember to keep your posts non-triggering. Per the rules of the group, no numbers (e.g., weights, calories, clothing sizes). Also, please refrain from posting specific eating disordered behaviors. We want to keep this group non-triggering and focused on the solution. Triggering posts will be deleted in order to protect our special group. **


message 2: by Christina (new)

Christina | 92 comments Clothes update:

Well....the plan was to give them to my dietician. Let's say that hasn't happened yet. I gave a few items to a friend (met through treatment) and I am having the hardest time with that, knowing that I could see them being worn (mainly one item). Somehow I keep adding clothes to the sell/get rid of pile and now my car is much more full of clothes. I have the temptation to bring them back in the house because I could potentially wear them...even though that is not recovery related and I want to stay working on recovery.


message 3: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Christina wrote: "Clothes update:

Well....the plan was to give them to my dietician. Let's say that hasn't happened yet. I gave a few items to a friend (met through treatment) and I am having the hardest time with..."


You made a great first step, Christina!! Progress, not perfection. Are you able to change the why you think about your friend wearing your clothes? Are you able to view it as a way, that you were able to help her, and you know that your clothes went to someone special? I wonder if that might help with the struggle.

Keep up the great work. You are so strong and amazing!!


message 4: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments My commitment: I will have taken all of my clothes to either a woman's shelter or GoodWill by November 19th. I am done with school on October 19th, so this will give me one month to go through all of my clothes again, and pull out the clothes that no longer fit.

There are two pairs of pants that I know will be very difficult for me to get rid of, so I will talk with my therapist about those two pair of pants, and any other clothes that may end up being more difficult than expected.


message 5: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Christina wrote: "Clothes update:

Well....the plan was to give them to my dietician. Let's say that hasn't happened yet. I gave a few items to a friend (met through treatment) and I am having the hardest time with..."


Hi Christina - I agree with Heidi: progress, not perfection. You are brave, like I said in the other thread. Even just getting the clothes to your car is huge. Think about it: would you have done that last year? Or even last month? Keep taking positive steps. You are on your way! Thanks for inviting us to share on your powerful journey.


message 6: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Heidi wrote: "My commitment: I will have taken all of my clothes to either a woman's shelter or GoodWill by November 19th. I am done with school on October 19th, so this will give me one month to go through all ..."

This is a powerful plan, Heidi. I love it! (I'd bet Ed hates it!) You go girl. You got this.


message 7: by Christina (new)

Christina | 92 comments Hi Jenni,

I definitely would not have even thought about putting them in my car...no way. I get so attached to clothes in general since I was a young child. It's funny how some things never really change as we get older. I keep forcing myself to not bring the clothes back in the house..especially where many of them have bad memories attached to them.
I like what Heidi said, progress not perfection. I still may have some clothes in the house (they are out of my room), but there are a lot in my car.


message 8: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Christina wrote: "Hi Jenni,

I definitely would not have even thought about putting them in my car...no way. I get so attached to clothes in general since I was a young child. It's funny how some things never really..."


Sounds like you are surely making progress! I love it. Thanks for sharing!


message 9: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: "My commitment: I will have taken all of my clothes to either a woman's shelter or GoodWill by November 19th. I am done with school on October 19th, so this will give me one month to g..."

Thank you, Jenni. Ed is definitely not okay with some of the clothes. However, now that I have made this commitment here, he won't be able to win this one. I have to be able to come back here by Nov. 19th and say that the clothes are gone. Sorry Ed, not sorry.


message 10: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments I never had to deal much with “sick clothes” because I kept wearing mine not realizing how different they actually fit until I saw a picture a year or so later. I can relate though, for me it was just with scales. I say that as more than one because I can’t count how many I’ve given to dieticians or therapists, or my mom was told she had to take (she actually still has and USES one of them...but that is a whole other issue).

The last one I had was the cheap, old-school kind that I had managed to break (it is NOT that easy) with the intention at the time of putting it back together. That also was not happening, so I decided it would be cool to use the insides as some sort of art project. It is still sitting somewhere in a box, but not usable. I’ll get to it one day. I mention this because I know people who have that one last clothes item they have the hardest time getting rid of. For me personally, leaving it in my therapist or dietician’s office (at least at first) was more tolerable, especially if I was taking a lot of other steps at once. I was able to think of it more like putting it away somewhere I didn’t have access to use (or wear) it all the time rather than at home. It took so much power out of it to the point that eventually, I didn’t think about it much at all. I can come home and know it isn’t here but not flip out, even though I wasn’t using it, it was just a comfort knowing it was there.

Also, like I said with the art project, I know a lot of people in treatment who would bring a specific pair of jeans or something that they associated with being sick to art therapy and cut them up and make the coolest projects. Now if looking at even the fabric would trigger you, that isn’t such a good idea. For some, the act of cutting them up in itself was helpful. It all depends on you. Just another idea.


message 11: by Heidi (last edited Oct 11, 2017 11:35AM) (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Rachel wrote: "I never had to deal much with “sick clothes” because I kept wearing mine not realizing how different they actually fit until I saw a picture a year or so later. I can relate though, for me it was j..."

I can completely relate to the scale. My dietitian wanted me to bring it in and smash it during an appointment with her. I could not do it. First, it was an expensive scale, and second, I struggle with smashing things. The struggle is connected to the abuse I endured, although, I am still trying to figure that connection out. I ended up giving the scale to my mom, who keeps trying to give it back to me, and it has been very hard recently for me to not take it back. She thinks it is dumb that I had to give it up.

I really like the idea of possibly taking some of the clothes and turning it into art work.... I had at one point thought about turning some clothes into a bed for my dog, but have not done that yet. I don't know though if it would be good for me to do that, because seeing the dog bed all the time, might be triggering. I'm not sure.

Thank you for sharing your idea, Rachel.


message 12: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Heidi, will your dietician let you just bring it up there without destroying it, to “hold on to for a while”? I guarantee you aren’t the first person and won’t be the last to ask that. I can’t imagine her saying no unless she either knows nothing about ED’s (which, in that case, you probably need a new one)...OR doesn’t have her own office space so really has no where to store it. That is unlikely though. If nothing else, try your therapist, then start going down your list of people who are a good support to you but in this case do not have ED’s.

I feel like I’m basically in the same boat with you here because yes, my mom has mine and it’s “hidden”, but I accidentally found the dang thing over 2 years ago and she hasn’t moved it. We even had our house partly renovated...enough that they had to put 90% of our stuff in storage. We basically could keep our beds, shower stuff and all that and clothes for a week or so. I talked them into leaving my dresser so I was good to go, but my point here is all my mom kept to put everything she would need for the “6 weeks” (in terms of clothes and other essentials) was a small suitcase almost the size of a carry on. Of everything that she kept in there, guess what she had? The scale! I couldn’t believe it. Even after all was said and done and we got our stuff back, it went right back into its open shoebox on the (low) shelf in her closet. I swear one of these days I’m gonna take it back...not to use, more to prove a point.

With the clothes, that’s why I said you kind of have to be careful. Maybe just take the first step and cut them up but don’t do anything with them yet. That in itself is huge. That’s another thing you could ask to keep in your dieticians office. If she wanted you to smash the scale, she would probably love to help you through that process. Something about ripping fabric, too, especially in that scenario. The most important thing with the clothes, I think, is to GET RID OF THE TAGS!! I know it seems therapeutic to use them somehow. Personally though, I see it as a way to hold on to that number and wonder why someone destroyed them in the first place. No, you can’t still put them on, but that number has so much power. You might never be ok looking at them again on an everyday basis, and that’s ok. It is just another way of taking back that power and gaining back the control it once had on you.

I hope that by now everyone realizes that a lot of posts that may start off addressed to one person, such as this one, are still open for anyone to read. I just related to something Heidi was talking about in the beginning. Just because there may be a name or someone quoted at the top, I hope people don’t see a name and think “oh, that isn’t for me to read” and keep scrolling. I can’t speak for everyone and am NOT trying to cause drama so PLEASE don’t take it that way. Just a thought that hit me while typing this.

What I personally post is meant for anybody. If I only wanted one person to read it, I would send a private message. It is just me giving examples of things that have worked for me personally or people I know. That, or how I have or am dealing with things now. Will it help everyone? No. Could something in it be exactly what someone needed to hear? Absolutely. Sharing what I have learned or things that have helped/not helped is what keeps me going. It’s a constant reminder of how bad things were, how easy it is to “forget” that, and quickly I could get back there and not even realize it.

Sure things aren’t perfect. I still cant look in the mirror and say I like the way I look. Very rarely am I “ok” with the number on the scale. (Disclaimer: my therapist weighs me and we are slowly spacing the time between out.) It’s a process. I AM able to work on other issues for the first time without resorting back to eating disorder behaviors. I can have a hard therapy session and still eat dinner that night. I could go on, but I’ve already gone on way past what this post was about in the first place. The insecure part of me wants to delete everything past the clothes stuff plus anything personal I added in up there. I feel like I type too much and nobody wants to read it...I’m just an annoyance that most people have blocked (if that’s possible). Every time I open the app, I’m expecting Jenni to have kicked me out. Ahh see, things ARENT perfect. If you can imagine though, those thoughts have been 1000x worse. Right now it’s all about the vulnerability...something I’m not very good at...yet. I will not delete anything though. That would be a form of giving up in a sense. And I’m NOT GIVING UP.

Whatever you have to do, even on those days where it seems impossible to just keep your head above water, JUST KEEP SWIMMING, SWIMMING SWIMMING!

(I have a picture I made but don’t know how to post it)


message 13: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Rachel wrote: "Heidi, will your dietician let you just bring it up there without destroying it, to “hold on to for a while”? I guarantee you aren’t the first person and won’t be the last to ask that. I can’t imag..."

My dietitian does not have her own space at the moment, but I am sure she probably would have let me just bring the scale in, although, she was pretty set on having me smash it. However, I think it would be more difficult for me now to take it back from my mom and take it there. I am afraid I would not take it to my dietitian, even if I had told her I would. Also, if I take it back from my mom and take it to the dietitian, then my mom will get angry, because it is an expensive scale (nothing I do with the scale will make her happy unless I keep it and just continue using it). She truly does not understand, and does not want to understand.

To post pics on threads you can do the following:
1) Find your picture online (Google Images, Pinterest, Facebook, etc.)
2) Right click on the pic you want
3) If your web browser is Microsoft Edge you will click on “copy” (not copy link)
Jenni learned that if your web browser is Google Chrome you will click on “copy image”
4) Next, come to your post and type (without the space between < img:
< img scr=
5) Right click and paste – a web address should appear – make sure there is not a space between scr= and your web address.
6) Put > immediately after the web address
You can hit the preview button next to the post button to see if your pic will load and then click post, or you can just click post.
I hope this helps with the pics.


message 14: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Do you have someone else to give it to like a therapist who could hold onto it? I’m only asking because if you’re Mom is still trying to give it back to you and you do have someone, take it next time. I don’t know how your relationship is with her or whether she hasn’t been given any information about eating disorders.

Best case scenario, she just doesn’t know what to or not to do. Some people try, they read everything they can find on having a kid/relative/friend/etc with an eating disorder, have family therapy, and nothing changes. It’s not that they mean to trigger you (I don’t know why but I can’t stand the word “trigger”) or cause you to be upset. If they did, they wouldn’t have done what they did in the first place!

My mom is pretty good, but a small example is what I posted about the scale. My parents went to family group every week during my first treatment where the first hour was just the families getting information, asking questions, etc. Then I went to residential in FL and they came to family weekend, which included a whole day of mainly informational groups. My mom has done countless family therapy sessions with me and my therapist while in treatment over the years. After all of that, you would think she would have gotten rid of it or, at the absolute LEAST moved it when I told her I knew where it was.

I’m sure everyone knows the other side where there is a complete not only lack of support, but really putting you down. I personally don’t feel the need to go into details there. (If someone does and needs to talk about that though, feel free.)

In my first or second family group the first time in treatment, someone’s dad asked, “Why is it so hard for us, as parents, to understand why my daughter does the things she does...and why is it so hard for her to eat? I know I’m not supposed to ask that but Anne said to bring it up in here?” Apparently they talked about things that were ok and not ok to say to someone with an ED and was told it would be a good question to ask when we were brought in the second hour.

The therapist’s answer is why she wanted him to ask again...so that all of us could hear the answer.

“The day somebody completely understands exactly why you are struggling at a meal, the reason you don’t WANT to eat, why you have changed clothes 10 times and still don’t think what you’re wearing looks good, and doesn’t fall for it when you say you are ‘fine’, you need to start worrying that THEY have an eating disorder.”

This helped to change my perspective on people’s understanding of eating disorders. Even the best intentions may end up being what for us seem like the worst comments. Reality is, unless someone has been through it or something similar, they can’t fully understand or know what is right or wrong all the time, not to mention that is different for everyone. It is up to us to speak up and use our voice to those around us.


message 15: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments I sort of feel like part of that post should be in another topic because it isn’t about getting rid of ED “clothes”. (I count the scale part personally as the same.) I don’t know though. My brain has been going in so many directions lately I don’t even know how I get from one point at the beginning to whatever it is at the end.

I do wish I could put that quote the therapist said in bold or something though...I guess I could put it on a picture. I just personally think it’s a good point. Maybe I’m the only one.

See, there I go again!


message 16: by Heidi (last edited Oct 15, 2017 10:46AM) (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Thank you, Rachel. I'm not really able to reply much right now, but wanted to share how to do some of the things you've asked about.

Cheat sheet (no spaces between the <, letter, or >):

bold text: < b > your text < /b >
italic text: < i > your text < /i >
underline text: < u > your text < /u >
blockquote: < blockquote > your text < /blockquote >

You can do two or more of those at the same time. Example if you want to both bold and italicize something (again no spaces between the <, letter, or >): < i >< b > your text < /b >< /i >


message 17: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Thanks!

I KNOW I finished that sentence in my last post. I feel like this place cuts things off randomly. That, or I at least need to start reading it on my iPad. I’d use my laptop but it’s really old and slow so I don’t unless I have to.


message 18: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Rachel wrote: "I never had to deal much with “sick clothes” because I kept wearing mine not realizing how different they actually fit until I saw a picture a year or so later. I can relate though, for me it was j..."

Thanks, Rachel! I love all that you shared. I am so glad you brought up the art project idea. One that I have done:

- Tear apart a bathroom scale (the old school kind with a dial, not digital!)
- Take the little spring out, which is what makes the dial point to your weight on the scale
- Turn the cute little spring into something hopeful, not hurtful
- Use the spring to SPRING into life, not body loathing
- I made a cute spring necklace!

If anyone tries this, please post pics! Also, please share any other art project ideas. So cool!


message 19: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Rachel wrote: "Heidi, will your dietician let you just bring it up there without destroying it, to “hold on to for a while”? I guarantee you aren’t the first person and won’t be the last to ask that. I can’t imag..."

Rachel, you are awesome! Thank you! I am not planning on kicking you out. :) What you shared is great. And, yes, I agree: I hope people keep scrolling. Instead of hitting reply, an option is always to just add an entirely new comment to the chosen thread. Then, your comment doesn't start off addressed to one person. I love what you said about your not giving up. Together, we are strong!


message 20: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Heidi wrote: "Thank you, Rachel. I'm not really able to reply much right now, but wanted to share how to do some of the things you've asked about.

Cheat sheet (no spaces between the ):

bold text: your text
i..."


Oh, Heidi: this is wonderful! You are a such a technology wizard. Thank you.


message 21: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Rachel wrote: "Do you have someone else to give it to like a therapist who could hold onto it? I’m only asking because if you’re Mom is still trying to give it back to you and you do have someone, take it next ti..."

Hey Rachel, I apologize for how long it has taken me to respond. I could probably give the scale to my therapist. I just really do not want to take the scale back even if it is to give it to someone else. Taking it back puts me in a position that I do not think I would be okay in right now.

My relationship with my mom … I love my mom, she’s my mom …. but we have a very unhealthy relationship. I had typed a lot more, but deleted it because of the possibility of triggers.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and suggestions Rachel.


message 22: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: "Thank you, Rachel. I'm not really able to reply much right now, but wanted to share how to do some of the things you've asked about.

Cheat sheet (no spaces between the ):

bold text:..."


You're welcome, Jenni.... but I am not that much of a tech wizard. I remember much of this from when I used to run an online support group. I've recently also found a cheat sheet on this site by accident.... right above the comment box there is a link that says "(some html is ok)" I clicked on that and it opened a cheat sheet. :-)


message 23: by Christina (new)

Christina Yackery | 2 comments Hi Jenni and everyone involved with these discussions. I have never posted before but frequently am reading along with all of your comments and conversations and taking it all in. So without even knowing it you have all been a part of my recovery.
But I wanted to post about the topic of inspiration. I turned 31 this week and spent yet another birthday in treatment. And given the circumstances it was a beautiful day in which I re set my commitment to myself and my recovery. I have been struggling. With my eating disorder for over 20 years, and been in and out of treatment so many times I can’t count anymore. This eating disorder has robbed me of my youth and early adulthood. I have watched my peers go to school, pursue their passions and develop careers, fall in love, start families and function as a responsible “adult” .. something I have no idea how to do. And his has always been my stumbling block... I can go to treatment and follow the structure and thrive there. I get fed and rest and begin to feel like a human being again and I grasp into that sense of hope. But this time I can’t seem to get in touch with that hope. I have lost any friends that I had years and ears ago, my family has read me my eulogy and can no longer be a part of my life and watch this disease destroy not only me but everyone involved.
So here I am, now stepping down to a PHP program and struggling to find the motivation to fight... its time to fight for myself, and I have never stopped trying again to get just a glimpse of whatrecovery could be like... I know it will be worth it. But right now I feel defeated, I feel so alone and terrified. I want to keep moving forward and keep myself focused on recovery as my priority. But I can’t help but worry and stress about the life pieces that have yet to fall into place. I have left my job and had to leave behind the room I had been renting in order to seek recovery. But my challenge is trying to figure out how to sustain recovery while dealing with the unfortunate conditions I am in. I want to create a life worth living, I need something bigger than my ed to fight for... but I don’t know what or where that is.
So please any words of inspiration, motivation, faith, anything pleaseeeeee!! I want this more than anything but I have hit my wall and have begun to believe everyone that says I am a hopeless lost cause.

Also, I was wondering if it is possible to share my GoFundMe on this forum. I am guessing not but thought I’d ask to get the word out there about he severity of eating disorders.


message 24: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Christina wrote: "Hi Jenni and everyone involved with these discussions. I have never posted before but frequently am reading along with all of your comments and conversations and taking it all in. So without even k..."

Hello Christina,

Happy belated birthday!! It sounds to me like you gave yourself an amazing birthday gift.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Make sure you take some time to allow yourself to grieve your losses. I had also lost all of my friends. I have kind of realized two of my friends are still my friends, it is just that the relationship changed – we are not friends who hangout, but we are friends who keep in touch and attend each other’s major life events. I have been working on building new friendships, which I have decided is very difficult. For a while, I seemed to keep choosing the wrong people to be friends with. Slowly, I am making new friends. You will make new friends too, when you are ready.

Throughout your post, I still hear some motivation left in you, and some hope too. This is good. Christina, you can do this. It may not feel like you can right now, but you can. You are very strong, and you have shown that strength by posting on here and also by going to treatment. Have you discussed your concerns with your PHP treatment team?

I think the biggest “thing” you need to fight for is not your ED, but it is you.

You’ve got this!! You are strong and amazing. Take everything moment by moment, one step at a time.

Jenni has also created a discussion for inspiration and one for encouragement here:

Got Some Inspiration to Share? Or Need Some Inspiration...


Help...I Need Encouragement!

You may also find some pics to help inspire or encourage you here:

Photos


message 25: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Don’t have time to reply to everyone’s comments and posts right now (I will say thanks though for now), just wanted to say I was finally able to post the Dory “Just Keep Swimming” picture in photos. Go look!!!! Oh, and a good quote about scales. Unfortunately it’s a picture of a canvas I painted but didn’t have time to search and find a cute one or make one.


message 26: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Rachel wrote: "Don’t have time to reply to everyone’s comments and posts right now (I will say thanks though for now), just wanted to say I was finally able to post the Dory “Just Keep Swimming” picture in photos..."

Rachel, thank you for sharing the Dory pic and the quote you painted. I don't think it is unfortunate at all.


message 27: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Heidi wrote: "Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: "Thank you, Rachel. I'm not really able to reply much right now, but wanted to share how to do some of the things you've asked about.

Cheat sheet (no spaces between the ..."


Oh, cool...thanks for pointing that out, Heidi!


message 28: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Jenni wrote: "Oh, cool...thanks for pointing that out, Heidi!"

You're welcome. 😊


message 29: by Heidi (last edited Nov 19, 2017 10:32AM) (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Back on October 9th, I made the commitment to get rid of my clothes by today, November 19th. That time flew by, and I never got the clothes out my house. Today, I am packing all the clothes up (again), and I am going to see if any place is open for me to drop them off. If not, the clothes will be dropped off somewhere tomorrow.

One thing I have noticed is that I have this strong desire to try on all of the clothes again just to make sure they don't fit. I am doing my best right now not to try them on again, because if by some miracle they do fit then I will have an excuse not to get rid of them.


message 30: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Are you putting them in boxes? If so, use a lot of packing tape. I don’t think Salvation Army is open today (you can always just leave them by the door or truck. Not sure about Goodwill, but around here there are a lot of little unattended donation trailer type things about the size of dumpsters. They’re in random parking lots.


Proud of you!!


message 31: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Thank you, Rachel. No, I'm putting them in thick, heavy duty garbage bags. I don't know of any donation bins here like you described. I really wanted to take them to a women's shelter, but I'm starting to think I should just take them to Goodwill because it is closer and then at least they'd be out of my possession. I'll figure it out when I get them packed up. I just now got the bag out. I'm moving very slowly with everything today.


message 32: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Done. Took all the clothes to Goodwill.


message 33: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments I move slowly every day. You posted that 3 hours ago (I don’t usually look but was curious for this). I think it may have been you before I really started posting that already had them all together. If not and you moved slow, I hope at least some of it made it into bag(s). Even if not and you’re entire wardrobe needed to go into those bags, 3 hours is plenty of time to get it in bags. I guess if you had a closet like Cher on Clueless there may be an exception. 😋

I had to edit that so many times to make sure I took out the should’s and could’s, so I apologize if I left those words or anything leading you to believe that was my intention. (BTW, I did think about this and feel it is justified “if” I left any of that in there. We do that enough to ourselves so I’d hate for you to think I am saying that to you.)

Anyway, most importantly, how have you been since you opened the bag? I hope that whether or not anything has made it in there yet, NONE of it has made it onto you. Even getting out the bag was a big step.


message 34: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments You beat me! You can ignore most of what I said, other that the fact that even opening the bag was a huge step. The fact that you took it all in and reached that goal of November 19 makes it even that much more exciting.

I hope you are able to acknowledge how much progress you made today. THAT is an act of recovery.


message 35: by Heidi (last edited Nov 19, 2017 03:49PM) (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Thank you, Rachel. I did have all the clothes packed way back when I made the commitment, but then I opened and went thru it again to make sure there wasn't anything in there that fit.... and it's been on my spare bed since. So, I had to rebag them today. I did keep one pair of pants, I thought I'd talk to my dietitian to see if she thinks I'll be able to wear them again some day. Logically, I think she'll say no, but I hope she'll say yes.


message 36: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Can you put them somewhere you can’t access them super easily until you see her? Like for me, I’d put them in my car. I park in the driveway and don’t like to leave the house so I basically only go out there when I have therapy.

Off topic...I used to at least be able to go work on projects in the garage with the door open and be okay. There’s a couple about my parents’ age that lives across the alley from us that is out a lot, especially the husband. We’ve had our share of conversations and he’s helped me if I had any questions while building anything....harmless, or so I thought. That is now ruined after a comment he made last week when I texted him for my mom. Not only shocking coming from him and I know I’m hypersensitive because of trauma, but I don’t know anyone who would take what he said any other way. Not that I’ve been out there much anyway, but now I’m scared to even walk out to my car and get out when I get home.


message 37: by Melody (new)

Melody | 212 comments Heidi, I just wanted to say great job continuing to work own the clothes. It can be a really challenging thing. When I initially went through my closet after getting back from my first treatment stint, my sister helped me bag everything that I couldn't wear, without trying it on, and we gave it to Goodwill together. I was definitely grateful to have her support. A year or so later, after my second treatment stint, my sister and I lived together and I realized after trying on old bridesmaid dresses that as much as I loved them, it wasn't healthy for me to keep them. It was a really hard choice but I gave those away too. I've also cut the tags out of a lot of my clothes too just to help me have a sense of freedom and autonomy from the size!


message 38: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Sorry to hear that, Rachel. Would you be okay to work on projects out there with the garage door closed?

Right now, the pants have been tossed down the laundry shoot. I think I'm okay seeing them, but I do have plenty of places I can put them if need. 😊


message 39: by Melody (new)

Melody | 212 comments Rachel-sending love your way!


message 40: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Melody, somehow I missed your comment to me!! 😱

Thank you. I like your idea of cutting the tags out. I'm not sure I can do that, but you may have just given me something to talk to my therapist about. When I was somewhere between 8 years old and 10 years old, I used to cut the tags out because seeing the sizes would upset me and I was so embaressed of a friend finding out what size clothes I wore. My mom used to get mad at me, and ultimately she is the reason I have not cut tags since. I don't think tags are as big of a problem anymore; however, when I am shopping for new clothes tags are HORRIBLE!! Tags on the clothes I already have seem to only be an issue when I am struggling and get focused on them. I still like the idea and I think I will discuss with my therapist. Thank you.


message 41: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Right now I’m working hard enough on leaving my room without it being for a reason. I hardly have the energy and motivation to get out of bed. Between the depression and trauma stuff (and not being able to talk about it much) isn’t helping. The past 3 weeks, one my therapist was sick and the last 2, despite the fact I go in and almost immediately say I need to talk about trauma and feel like getting back into the Workbook we haven’t opened in months would help, I’m lucky if I get in long enough to tell her about the text I got. If there is something else, I’ll tell her and be sure she knows I don’t want to spend the whole session on it, maybe 5 Minutes. It’s just something I need to get out or whatever. That never ends up happening. Somehow, one thing leads to another and when it finally stops, 35 Minutes have passed and the most she’ll get into with trauma is asking what symptoms I’ve had that week and if they’ve gotten worse or better. Last week I was actually in tears and almost really crying...I’ve been numb for months so that’s big. I was about to walk out because we were going in a circle, which clearly went nowhere. I even told her she said one thing the week before then went against that this time so how do I trust her? I don’t say things like that to people either. It was bad.

That was a LOT more than I intended to type, but felt good to get some of it out.


message 42: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pain. I am proud of you for letting some tears fall.


message 43: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Rachel wrote: "Are you putting them in boxes? If so, use a lot of packing tape. I don’t think Salvation Army is open today (you can always just leave them by the door or truck. Not sure about Goodwill, but around..."

Oh wow, packing tape is such a great idea for this! Thanks for sharing, Rachel.


message 44: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Heidi wrote: "Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pain. I am proud of you for letting some tears fall."

This is such a thoughtful and supportive comment, Heidi. Thank you.

And, congrats to you re the clothing success!

Heidi: 1
Ed: 0


message 45: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Rachel wrote: "Right now I’m working hard enough on leaving my room without it being for a reason. I hardly have the energy and motivation to get out of bed. Between the depression and trauma stuff (and not being..."

Rachel, I am so sorry to know you are going through so much right now. If you need immediate, free support at anytime, I'd suggest the Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/

Trained volunteers are there to help 24/7. I know some of these folks, and they are incredible. (I wish this had exist when I was struggling. Back then, phones were still attached to walls!)

You have a lot of support behind you. And, clearly, you are resilient--and a fighter. Keep standing.


message 46: by Heidi (new)

Heidi | 322 comments Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: "Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pain. I am proud of you for letting some tears fall."

This is such a thoughtful and supportive comment, Heidi. Thank you.

And, congrats to ..."


Thank you, Jenni.


message 47: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments Thanks Jenni. It probably sounds worse in that post than it is. When you consider how much I have to leave my room at least to do the basics (eating included!), I just find it hard to leave the house. Tomorrow’s therapy though, so guess what that means!


message 48: by Jenni (new)

Jenni Schaefer (jennischaefer) | 416 comments Mod
Rachel wrote: "Thanks Jenni. It probably sounds worse in that post than it is. When you consider how much I have to leave my room at least to do the basics (eating included!), I just find it hard to leave the hou..."

Therapy is such a great tool! I used to try to skip therapy around the holidays with the excuse of "too busy." I am glad to hear that you are keeping your recovery a priority. Good for you!


message 49: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments I have a feeling I may not feel so great going in today. We had a “fight” for a good half hour last week so I’m not wanting to go in today. If it weren’t for the fact I’d have to pay the fee for canceling last minute, I probably would. Haha


message 50: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 124 comments In fact, I may have typed that post after I saw her that day!


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