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query letter and synopsis
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Hey Natalia,Why not put it here? That way others can see any comments people make trying to help you with yours.
OK, thanks Keith. Here's the synopsis:Ten-year-old LILY and her brother ROWAN are Puddle People, a tiny species who rely on puddles for their survival. The summers are getting hotter and there’s less rainfall – and fewer puddles – than ever before. Five months ago, their explorer mum left their home in a South London park to seek out the legendary Puddle People’s Paradise known as the Wetlands of the West.
When Lily and Rowan’s dad is squished by a human, they run away to find their mum. Leaving the only home she has ever known goes against every instinct in Lily’s body, but she is spurred on by the thought of seeing Mum again.
Lily and Rowan begin their journey hitchhiking on the shoes of Giants. When she breaks her wrist falling from a shoe, they ride a squirrel to a nearby park where they can puddle paddle Lily’s wrist to heal it. In the park, they meet two other children, BLOSSOM and SAGE, whose uncle and aunt have also disappeared seeking the Wetlands. Lily’s wrist heals, but before they can leave, a magpie swoops down and flies off with Rowan. Lily chases the magpie on the squirrel and saves her brother.
Lily is persuaded that Blossom and Sage should join them on their journey, but she doesn’t always see eye-to-eye with Blossom, who generally acts before she thinks. Lily fears for all their safety when they follow Blossom through the stomping feet of Giants. But Blossom shows she can be trusted when she saves Lily from falling down a lift shaft. On the underground train, an enormous dog runs away with Sage, so Blossom chases after it and Lily and Rowan are forced to carry on alone.
They reach Paddington, and fly on the back of a pigeon to search for their friends from up high. When all four children are finally reunited, Lily is dismayed to find Sage was nibbled by the dog – and his infected wounds can only be cured by a puddle paddle. She runs for help and a stranger saves her from further difficulties before helping her find water. Lily leads him back to the others and discovers he is no stranger, but Blossom and Sage’s uncle. As Sage recovers, their aunt also joins them and the Puddle People share their stories before agreeing to continue their journey to the Wetlands together.
Lily must overcome further obstacles, including getting separated from the others and being flung onto the train tracks. At the point where she doesn’t feel able to go on, Blossom shows her she must let go of her fears to save the others.
The train journey is long and uncomfortable and the travellers are just beginning to relax when two Giants spot them. This is the most danger they have been in this far, and Lily can’t think how they will get away. But Rowan hides just in time and, proving that he is more capable than Lily had thought, he creates a diversion so they can escape.
On the platform, the travellers meet more Puddle People, who take them to their community in the Brecon Beacons. Lily and Rowan are finally reunited with their mother, who is overjoyed to see them. It has taken five months for her to reach this place and she has her own story to tell as to how she made it.
They discover this isn’t the Wetlands of the West; however, since all myths are based on truths, it is possible that the story was based on this community. Lily is disappointed at first, but is happy she has found her mother and they are now all safe. She plans to work with Rowan and their mother to find a way to bring the remainder of their South London community to the west.
And here's the query letter:Dear XYZ
RE: Submission of The Puddle People and the Wetlands of the West
Please find attached the first 3 chapters and the synopsis of my urban fantasy story for middle-grade children, The Puddle People and the Wetlands of the West.
Ten-year-old Lily and her brother Rowan are Puddle People, a tiny species who rely on puddles for their survival. Five months ago, their mum left their home in a South London park to seek out the legendary Puddle People’s Paradise known as the Wetlands of the West. When Lily and Rowan’s dad is squished by a human, they run away to find their mum. Because of their size, they are forced to overcome huge obstacles as they make their way across London to Paddington Station, where they will catch a train out to the west.
The novel is complete at 38,000 words. I very much hope you enjoy it and look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards
Natalia wrote: "And here's the query letter:Dear XYZ
RE: Submission of The Puddle People and the Wetlands of the West
Please find attached the first 3 chapters and the synopsis of my urban fantasy story for mi..."
Hi Natalia
Although I haven't succeeded with the queries for my New Adult novel so far, I learned a few things from Guide to Literary Agents 2017 such as giving a little author bio and info about your publication history if any. I've read some agents saying that they would like to know why you chose them out of the lot at a certain agency, and that you can perhaps find in their profile. I tend to modify the opening of my query by including something that I found and liked in that agent's profile.
Instead of using a form query, it's advisable to study the agent's requirements and tinker your query accordingly. Some people want to know why you wrote on that theme or some such stuff.
Also, I think it's good to have your introduction in the beginning and the info about attachment etc. at the end.
Another aspect is - comparative titles. If you know any, you should mention them, as per the general rules of writing a query.
I'm still to taste success, so maybe I haven't been very helpful.
Regards
Rajeev (Adonis is a pen name)
RE synopsis...Is there a distinction between humans and Giants? I assume they are one and the same. If so, you should stick with one or the other term.
For people who live in puddles, they seem to spend a lot of time not in puddles. When I first started reading, I felt they were 'obligate' puddle people, half way through it appears puddles are clearly optional. Perhaps, if the latter is indeed the case, a sentence or two indicating that puddle life is their preferred way might cover this.
Regarding "Lily fears for all their safety when they follow Blossom through the stomping feet of Giants." I'm not sure that Blossom becomes trustworthy when she saves Lily from a fall, foolhardy people can still be loyal and supportive. Unless you mean that Blossom had a clear, thought-out plan where, after understanding it, they realize they were in no danger, I don't feel 'trustworthy' is the right conclusion.
When you say Sage was 'nibbled' by an 'enormous' dog, my sense of scale is distorted. I originally figured these people were on the order of an inch or so high, so just about any dog would do far more than 'nibble' something that small. If your characters are much larger, say a foot tall, then it seems feasible that Sage could be 'nibbled', but then it becomes impractical to think even one could ride on a pigeon, let alone two.
The 'stranger' who saves Lily from 'further difficulties' (that sounds rather vague) should be identified as a puddle person.
"This is the most danger they have been in this far" may not be useful unless you really mean 'giants' to be exceptionally dangerous, in which case I feel we need to learn this much earlier on. If giants are malicious people bent on destroying any puddle people they find, then I think we need to learn this when you first introduce them. If they’re just 'routinely' dangerous, like the dog, magpie, etc., then I believe you've oversold with that statement. Based on what I've read, I feel you can just delete that portion and the rest stands fine.
I'm not getting a sense of character arc for Lily. You mention this:
"At the point where she doesn’t feel able to go on, Blossom shows her she must let go of her fears to save the others."
I read that as some sort of obligatory low point in the character's narration, not something organic to the story. Also, it’s not clear what her fears are, really, so there’s no sense in an obstacle to overcome by letting them go. Also, you mention she’s separated, yet Blossom is there to encourage her. If you meant that the two were separated from the rest of the group, then that makes sense, but not, I feel, the way it's written.
Shouldn't mom be at least a little bit devastated that her husband got squished (by a human or a giant?)? I think you give papa short shrift, as the only mention he gets is being squished (and 'squished' isn't a very violent sounding end, to me).
Regarding the very ending, unless Lily really spends a lot of time being disappointed that their arrival isn't in the wetlands of the west, it feels like external commentary rather than an organic feeling of the character. The ending might read better thus, unless it really is a big deal to Lily:
"Lily's initially disappointed this isn’t the Wetlands of the West, but is happy she's found her mother and they're now all safe. She'll work with the others to find a way to bring their South London community to the west."
BTW, use contractions liberally.
Regarding your query letter. First, what Adonis/Rajeev said. Second, either jump right into the blurb or start with the title, length and genre in a very brief format, e.g.,
Dear XYZ,
"The Puddle People and the Wetlands of the West" is 38K, an urban fantasy story for middle-grade children.
Your blurb is quite short at only 95 words. Generally people run way long, not way short. Even there, I feel there are a lot of unhelpful words, so came up with this:
"Ten-year-old Lily and her brother Rowan are Puddle People living in South London. With the heat drying their puddle, their mum left to seek out the legendary Paradise known as the Wetlands of the West. When Lily and Rowan’s dad is squished by a human, they set out to find their mum. They're forced to overcome huge obstacles as they make their way across London, to Paddington Station, where they'll catch a train out to the west."
Only 77 words. You could easily double that and still be in the sweet spot, so I encourage you to consider mentioning some of the travel highlights. A blurb generally needs to do three things: 1) introduce the character (I don't feel I have a real sense of who Lily is), 2) set out the character's objectives (that's pretty clear) and 3) outline the obstacles the character will have to overcome (I think you can really elaborate there).
Good luck!
Thank you Keith and Adonis for your helpful comments. I'm finding writinhbthe synopsis harder than the novel!
I've kept track. I really have spent more time writing the blurb and synopsis than I did on my first draft! Now I start with the blurb, then the synopsis and only start writing once I'm happy with both. Not totally sure this works, though, as I'm way short on my target word count yet almost complete with expanding my synopsis into the novel.
Natalia wrote: "Thank you Keith and Adonis for your helpful comments. I'm finding writinhbthe synopsis harder than the novel!"I hated writing the synopsis. Perhaps all writers do. How am I expected to condense 400 pages into 3 or even lesser? It takes a big chunk right out of your author's ego but it's a necessary evil. You almost certainly have to compromise with your flowery heartfelt prose in more places than one. Think of it as precis-writing back in school - you need to write it to secure marks, even if you may not like it.
Would you mind taking a look at this amended version please:Ten-year-old LILY and her naughty brother ROWAN are Puddle People, a tiny species who rely on puddles for their survival. With dryer summers each year, there are fewer puddles than ever before. Five months ago, their explorer mum left their home in a South London park to seek out the legendary Puddle People’s Paradise known as the Wetlands of the West.
When Lily and Rowan’s dad is squished by a Giant, they run away. Leaving the park goes against every instinct in Lily’s body; it will be dangerous without their daily puddle paddle, not to mention the terrifying risk they will be spotted by Giants, who might keep them as pets or eat them if they knew of their existence. But the thought of seeing Mum again is stronger than goody-goody-gnat-face Lily’s fears.
Lily and Rowan begin their journey, but it is slow and long. Rowan thinks they won’t make it to the Underground before dark so recklessly takes a running leap at a jogging Giant’s shoe. Lily sprints follows and at first is glad; they are moving so quickly! But Rowan loses his grip and Lily breaks her wrist jumping after him.
A Puddle Person stranger finds Lily in pain, so takes them to his home park, where they puddle paddle her wrist. They meet two other children, BLOSSOM and SAGE, whose uncle and aunt have also disappeared seeking the Wetlands. Lily’s wrist heals, but before they can leave, a magpie swoops down and snatches Rowan, taking him to the top of a tree. Lily chases it on the back of a squirrel and saves her brother.
Lily is persuaded that Blossom and Sage should join them on their journey, but she doesn’t always see eye-to-eye with Blossom, who acts before thinking. Lily fears for their safety when they follow Blossom through the stomping feet of Giants. But their friendship is sealed when Blossom saves Lily’s life.
On the underground train, an enormous dog runs away with Sage, so Blossom chases after it and Lily and Rowan must carry on alone.
They reach Paddington, and fly on a pigeon to search for their friends from above. When the children are reunited, Sage is unconscious; he desperately needs to puddle paddle. Lily runs for help and an unknown Puddle Person saves her from a mouse attack before helping her find water. Lily leads him back to the others and discovers he is no stranger, but Blossom and Sage’s uncle. As Sage recovers, their aunt also joins them and the Puddle People share their stories before agreeing to journey to the Wetlands together.
They hitchhike on wheeled bags, but Lily is separated from the others and flung onto the train tracks. The others pull her onto the platform, but she is starting to lose hope they will ever reach the Wetlands. Lily and Blossom make it onto a train first, and Lily fears the others won’t make it before it leaves. She must open the doors to let the others climb on, but reaching the button is impossibly dangerous. Blossom shows her she must let go of her fears to save the others.
The train leaves and the travellers are spotted by two Giants and Lily can’t think how they will get away. Thankfully, Rowan hides before they see him and, proving that he is more capable than Lily had thought, creates a diversion so they can escape.
On the platform, the travellers meet more Puddle People, who take them to their community in the Brecon Beacons. Lily and Rowan are finally reunited with their mum, who is overjoyed to see them but very sad to hear about Dad. It has taken five months for her to get here and she has her own story to tell as to how she made it.
Lily’s initially disappointed this isn’t the Wetlands of the West, but is happy she’s found her mother and they’re now all safe. She plans to work with Rowan and their mother to find a way to bring their South London community to the west.
I made a number of small tweaks. I think it flows much better.Ten-year-old LILY and her naughty brother ROWAN are Puddle People, a tiny species who rely on puddles for their survival. With dryer summers each year, there are fewer puddles than ever before. Five months ago, their explorer mum left their home in a South London park to seek out the legendary Puddle People’s Paradise known as the Wetlands of the West.
When Lily and Rowan’s dad is squished by a Giant, they run away. Leaving the park goes against every instinct in Lily’s body; it will be dangerous without their daily puddle paddle, not to mention the terrifying risk they'll be spotted by Giants, who might keep them as pets, or even eat them, if they knew of their existence. But the thought of reuniting with Mum again is stronger than goody-goody-gnat-face Lily’s fears.
Lily and Rowan begin their journey, but it's slow and long. Rowan thinks they won’t make it to the Underground before dark, so recklessly takes a running leap at a jogging Giant’s shoe. Lily sprints to follow and at first is glad; they're moving so quickly! But Rowan loses his grip and Lily breaks her wrist in a fall, after jumping after him.
A Puddle Person stranger finds Lily, so takes them to his home park, where they puddle paddle her wrist. They meet two other children, BLOSSOM and SAGE, whose uncle and aunt have also disappeared seeking the Wetlands. Lily’s wrist heals, but before they can leave, a magpie swoops down and snatches Rowan, taking him to the top of a tree. Lily chases it on the back of a squirrel and saves her brother. [This implies that they have a working relationship with the squirrel(s). Either way, I think it needs some explanation.]
Lily is persuaded that Blossom and Sage should join them on their journey, but she doesn’t always see eye-to-eye with Blossom, who acts before thinking. Lily fears for their safety when they follow Blossom through the stomping feet of Giants. But their friendship is sealed when Blossom saves Lily’s life.
On the underground train, an enormous dog runs away with Sage, so Blossom chases after it and Lily and Rowan must carry on alone.
They reach Paddington, and fly on a pigeon to search for their friends from above. [Same commment re squirrel.] When the children are reunited, Sage is unconscious; he desperately needs to puddle paddle. Lily runs for help and an unknown Puddle Person saves her from a mouse attack before helping her find water. Lily leads him back to the others and discovers he is no stranger, but Blossom and Sage’s uncle. As Sage recovers, their aunt also joins them and the Puddle People share their stories before agreeing to journey to the Wetlands together.
They hitchhike on wheeled bags [I don't understand what this means], but Lily is separated from the others and flung onto the train tracks. The others pull her onto the platform, but she's starting to lose hope they will ever reach the Wetlands. Lily and Blossom make it onto a train, but Lily fears the others won’t make it before it leaves. She must open the doors to let the others climb on, but reaching the button is impossibly dangerous. Blossom shows her she must let go of her fears to save the others.
The train leaves and the travellers they're spotted by two Giants. Lily can’t think how they'll get away. Thankfully, Rowan hides before the Giants see him and, proving he's more capable than Lily thought, creates a diversion so the rest can escape.
On the platform, the travellers meet more Puddle People, who take them to their community in the Brecon Beacons. Lily and Rowan are finally reunited with their mum, who is overjoyed to see them, but very sad to hear about Dad. It's taken five months for her to get here and she has her own story to tell as to how she made it.
Lily’s initially disappointed this isn’t the Wetlands of the West, but is happy she’s found her mother and they’re now all safe. She plans to work with Rowan and their mother to find a way to bring their South London community to the west.
thank you so much, keith. That has been so helpful.Natalia
The final draft of my novel is currently out with a few betas and in the meantime I am trying to work on my query letter and one-page synopsis.
My manuscript is middle-grade fiction, an urban fantasy set in London and Wales.
I'm hoping to get a few thoughts on how to improve them before I send out any submissions to agents.
If you're willing to help me out, I can send you the document by email.
You can message me here.
Thanks so much for your time! Hope to hear from you.
Natalia