Query for Pitch Wars

[Shreyonti]

I wrote the following query for Pitch Wars 2017. I've been working on the query for a while, and I would really like to edit it aggressively these last few days, I've pasted the query below:

Dear Mentor:

I'm seeking a mentor for GOWACHERRY, a YA coming-of-age romance.

18-yr-old Azain's an average mid-21st century high school guy, except for the fact that he’s been in a whopping 33 relationships, and been dumped just as many times! Concerned their son’s stuck in a vicious cycle of dating and breakups, his parents send an unwilling Azain to Gowacherry Recovery Centre, a rehab-cum-boarding school for teenagers with "modern afflictions."

Devina was sent for simply being a misfit in her family, and the unhappiness in her that kept growing till she urgently needed a change of scenery. Now, she never wants to leave Gowacherry, which feels more like home to her than her real home ever did.

While trying to save an old library, in an age when real books have all but disappeared, the two begin to connect.

What starts out as Azain's first real friendship turns into Devina's first love. Gowacherry is a sanctuary from a world they've always struggled with. But as graduation draws closer, their future grows uncertain, because the world outside Gowacherry is quick to point out how they’re just too different. Azain doesn’t want to fail for the thirty-fourth time, and Devina can’t lose the only guy who makes her feel comfortable in her own skin.

Set in a school modeled after the early 21st century, this is the story of two teenagers finding the kind of love they didn’t even know they were looking for, only to find that even in the year 2061, first love is far from easy.

Complete at 90,000 words, GOWACHERRY will interest readers of John Green's AN ABUNDANCE OF KATHERINES and Jennifer Niven's HOLDING UP THE UNIVERSE.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Any comments would be appreciated. Also, if anyone else is also thinking of entering Pitch Wars this year, let me know.

[Violet]

I think I'm too late for Pitch Wars, but I'm sure you'll be entering other contests or querying other ways - so hopefully you still want some input.

I think the query is a tad too long? I also didn't get that it was set in the not so distant future until the very end when you said 2061 - so I'd move that year to the beginning rather then saying "mid-21st-century".

The last paragraph of the query feels more like a log line for a movie than a conclusion. I also don't think you need to include that the school is modeled after a early 21st century school either.

Also, wow, 33 relationships is a lot - if we say Azain started dating at 14, and now he's 18 - that's about 6.6 relationships a year. So he's only really "dated" these people for a little less than two months, which is not really being in a relationship. Maybe he just slept with 33 people and his parents are worried he's a sex addict? Not sure how well that would go over in a YA novel though. But it would fall under the "modern afflictions" category.

I don't think we need a paragraph about Devina. This is Azain's story. I think just a "Then he meets Devina, sent to Gowacherry by her parents just for being a black sheep in her family" is enough.

So TL;DR version:

Shorten it, get rid of Devina's paragraph, put the year in the first line and get rid of the log line last paragraph. I think it would make it a strong query letter.

Good luck!