Christopher Paolini (INHERITANCE CYCLE series) discussion

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Joke time!

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message 1: by Jake (last edited Aug 04, 2009 06:17AM) (new)

Jake | 31 comments Post your jokes below, starting with mine (claps).


The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) posts the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”


message 2: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments Lol

As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.
Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.
75 point question: Which tire was flat?


message 3: by Aaric (new)

Aaric | 131 comments rofl


message 4: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments which one are you laughing at?


message 5: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
lmao!


message 6: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments Funny!

How do you KILL me!





































































































































































































































































































































































































































































Oh my... you are interested!
*sobbing*


message 7: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments haha thanks

lol Harpoon


message 8: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

Oh my gosh LOL


message 9: by Jake (last edited Aug 10, 2009 07:03AM) (new)

Jake | 31 comments Katie wrote: "Katherine wrote: "which one are you laughing at?"

yours, but Jake's was funny too."


Oh well, I guess it's time to bring forth my ultimate joke! (claps claps, hooray!)

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."







































































































































































message 10: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
hahahahahahh, that one is so good jake


message 11: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"








message 12: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments HahHAhA! Hilarious!

Here's mine.

You know you're living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9"
to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE:


13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.


15. You contemplate scrolling back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.


16. And now you are laughing at yourself!



message 13: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments I only have a 7 inch monitor hehehe.


message 14: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments it's a joke, (joke time) it's actually 8 inch.


message 15: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
only, mines wackin big


message 16: by Jake (last edited Aug 12, 2009 11:52AM) (new)

Jake | 31 comments Harpoon wrote: "it's a joke, (joke time) it's actually 8 inch. "

I am waiting for your joke Harpoon.


message 17: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
hes joking abput how small his moniter is


message 18: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
hahahahahahahaha! I did EXACTLY what the last 4 said XD


message 19: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
suckers


message 20: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
when i read the last 4, i just went
oh


message 21: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
is it
really


message 22: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments I don't measure my screen but its pretty big, or big enough for me to see


message 23: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments we need to get back to Jokes


message 24: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
kinda funny ^^^^^ but it kinda loses it at the end


message 25: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
nice John.

I like it Katie :D


message 26: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments Oh my gosh thats cheezy but works so well!
i wonder who came up with that?


message 27: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
i like no one


message 28: by John, dr.evil from austin powers. YOUTUBE IT...NOW (new)

John | 1254 comments Mod
except people on here


message 29: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line. He says:"OK, now what?"


message 30: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments One more.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . .

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


message 31: by Kimmy D. (new)

Kimmy D. | 27 comments Katie wrote: "Each year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amuse..."


THIS ONE IS HILARIOUS! MY GOD! I HAVEN'T LAVED LIKE THAT IN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

YES! I love the one w/ the graveyard where they think their dividing the souls up!


message 33: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
A: What was the question?
___________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

__________________________________________
_____

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

__________________________________________
________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.

__________________________________________
_________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

__________________________________________
_________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was cutting open his guts.

__________________________________________
_____________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


message 34: by Casey (new)

Casey LOL


message 35: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
LOLOLOLOLOL

*falls over laughing*


message 36: by Graziella (new)

Graziella (Grazia) | 664 comments wow...lol, its amazing what people say.



message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

hey!


message 38: by Jake (new)

Jake | 31 comments There is a urban legend in Big Apple, that all cowgirls are hot! Katie want to respond to that?


message 39: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments When you call it an urban legend it means its not true right?


message 40: by Casey (new)

Casey *rolls eyes*


message 41: by Harpoon (new)

Harpoon ... | 1387 comments It's a stupid question I know. *shrugs*


message 42: by Casey (new)

Casey I did that legend stuff last year. In 5th grade. *laughs* ok was it you or john that made fun of my age? i cant remember...


message 43: by Jake (new)

Jake | 31 comments Katie wrote: "It's probably true, haha! But I don't especially care for whole cowgirl persona."

So do you know any cowgirls? ^^


message 44: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie (chasmofbooks) hey, Americans are awsome


message 45: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
☠Casey Crane☠ wrote: "I did that legend stuff last year. In 5th grade. *laughs* ok was it you or john that made fun of my age? i cant remember..."

I think it was John... but don't worry, I have tons of friends that are younger than me, and I love 'em all.


message 46: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments but not all americans are cowgirls!
Im mor elike cool out of it Hippie...that likes non hippy stuff though

Almost all of my friends are younger than me...I don't know how that worked but only like 10 are older


message 47: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
A lot of my friends from gymnastics are younger (actually, almost all). Some are even in 4th. O.o


message 48: by Katherine (new)

Katherine (Katherinlie) | 467 comments wait you take gymnastics?


message 49: by Tara, In hoc signo vinces (new)

Tara | 1068 comments Mod
Yeah


message 50: by Nikhil (new)

Nikhil | 8 comments heres the best...i gurantee you...

There is an old man with a pond on his land. He hasnt been to it in weeks. He comes out with food and plans on enjoying a sunny day. When he gets there he realizes there are girls bathing and their clothing is far away on rock. As soon as the girls see the man they swim to the deep end and say "We are not leaving until you go away." The old man laughs and simply says "I just came here to feed the crocodiles in the pond."

Now you see some old men are still very smart


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