chin up and we'll drown a little slower; Showing 41,651-41,700 of 46,581

[jay, rip]

i dunno. i just feel like im floating all the time and like im not grounded and every time i think that im okay i realize that its not. its not okay. im not okay.

[jay, rip]

i literally can't describe it

[jay, rip]

it's funny bc on october 2nd, my new therapist was like ok you're literally in full remission right now

[jay, rip]

and i was like okay sweet, is this what its like to be happy?

[jay, rip]

but now im like.... what did that feel like

[jay, rip]

i dont remember

[jay, rip]

i just don't want to end up hospitalized. that's not an option for me right now. and i don't want to end up on more meds because goddamn it i was just starting to get off of them

[jay, rip]

i was saying the other day- i don't remember what life was like when i was able to wake up in the morning and not have to swallow pills

[jay, rip]

i started my first daily meds when i was like 11

[jay, rip]

and it's just been increasing ever since

[jay, rip]

a couple months ago i finally got off of one of them

[jay, rip]

but now its just... idk

[jay, rip]

like imagine a day without taking any pills. imagine.

[jay, rip]

imagine a day of being okay

[jay, rip]

i just started typing out a post that said something like "can i go back to when i was carefree" and then i realized.. have i ever been?

[jay, rip]

my depression started from when i was a kid as a result of the shitstorm of my life, and went untreated for so long

[jay, rip]

its funny cause whenever anyones talking about my depression they're always like "oh yeah your first attempt came out of nowhere" and im like... no. i was not okay for so long. i told you. i showed you the signs. you just didn't listen and acted shocked when i cut too deep that one time.

[jay, rip]

called to you so clearly but you dont want to hear me

[jay, rip]

tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me..
told you everything loud and clear
BUT NOBODYS LISTENING

[jay, rip]

heart full of pain, head full of stress

[jay, rip]

nothing to gain, everything to fear

[jay, rip]

my most played songs on my phone are all about depression/anger/both

[jay, rip]

also addiction

[jay, rip]

my number one most played song is Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park

[jay, rip]

that was a large blend of me trying to get over a bunch of shit

[jay, rip]

i feel like my biggest addiction, over anything else, was cutting

[jay, rip]

because goddamn it felt so good

[jay, rip]

just a couple slashes, and some blood, and i'd be seeing spots and id be distracted from everything else that was going on, it was ten times better than any drug ive ever had

[jay, rip]

i know whats best for me, but i want you instead

[jay, rip]

i feel like im wasting my time trying to get better

[jay, rip]

everything just feels like a waste, like whats the point anymore

[jay, rip]

am i relapsing

[jay, rip]

i feel like the pressure on me to BE OKAY is so big right now. my mom made me swear that i'd never relapse again because after my brother died she "cant lost another kid", i have all these expectations riding on me with school and life and everything else.... all eyes are on me at all times. i can't cry without 2348304820408 people that i barely know being all over me rubbing my back telling me that its okay. i fucking hate everything

[jay, rip]

im so angry right now and THATS NOT GOOD

[jay, rip]

what tf was my mom even thinking

[jay, rip]

remember when i called her out abouther toxic behavior and she cried for like a week and ranted and said i was blaming all of my problems on her :)

[jay, rip]

i just want everything to go away

[jay, rip]

sometimes, sometimes you dont say goodbye once. you say goodbye over and over and over again, over and over and over again

[jay, rip]

i just googled "how to get over death" and the first thing to pop up told me that death isn't something you ever get over. wonderful. fucking great.

[jay, rip]

ok i was a mess earlier and i apologize

[jay, rip]

to anyone who had to see my shitstorm of a emotional rant

[jay, rip]

bleh

[jay, rip]

i have eaten at least 92929398492 pounds of popcorn today.

[Lynx ~ 10/1 Never Forgotten]

So about your ranty thing earlier, I relate so hard to the emotional aspect of it. The kinda dead, floaty, surreal feeling. Idk how to describe it either. But after the shooting I felt like that all the time for months. I still feel like that occasionally but it does get better. Promise. <3 it takes a long time but it does get better. Just don't not deal with the emotions. If you need to see someone, see someone. It's been 3 years and I'm just now about to see someone about my mental health. I wish I hadn't waited.

[jay, rip]

thank you ❤️ i already see a therapist regularly. i wish you the best of luck in your journey ❤️❤️

[jay, rip]

nothing makes sense anymore

[jay, rip]

did that all really just happen

[jay, rip]

i don’t think i’m ready right now, but I don’t know how to tell him

[jay, rip]

i’m sorry

[jay, rip]

i feel like if it was any other situation, i’d be smitten