chin up and we'll drown a little slower; Showing 41,451-41,500 of 46,581

[jay, rip]

how about no

[jay, rip]

me: mom i’m leaving, i’ll text you when i get there but it might be a while bc parking is shit
me: gets there
me: texts my mom that i’m here
mom: what took you so long
me: parking

[jay, rip]

i lost my brother tonight. i apologize if i’m being extra off for these next few days.

[Lynx ~ 10/1 Never Forgotten]

Im sorry. I'm glad his suffering has ended and I hope he has found peace.

[Elizabeth]

I'm so sorry Jay. *hug*

[jay, rip]

thank you guys

[jay, rip]

the burial was pretty awful

[jay, rip]

there were so many people there. people he doesn’t even know, random family members who came to cry for him even though they haven’t seen him in 5+ years.

last night i cried. i sobbed like a baby. i screamed at anyone who came near me and wouldn’t let anyone touch me.

today at the funeral, i cried. i cried and i let close family and friends hug me.

but at the burial??? fucking HELL. i had random ass ladies coming up to me and grabbing me from behind like wtf??? i hate being touched without my permission. i hate being grabbed from behind. i hate not being able to see who’s touching me. i hate strangers touching me. and then everyone was ragging on me like “why aren’t you crying”
and then i overheard someone talking shit to my aunt bc i wasn’t crying... listen up you dumbass. i’ve cried. i’ve grieved. i’m still grieving. you’re at a fucking funeral and you’re talking smack about a family member of the deceased... because he’s grieving differently than you? what the actual fuck

[jay, rip]

everyone’s looking at me weird for not crying when they put the casket into the ground, i was like what the fuck, leave me alone you dumbass childish ass fuckers.

[jay, rip]

and I don’t know how funerals in other cultures work, but in my culture there’s two tables of close family of the deceased near the coffin at the front of the room. people come up and pay their respects to you and say a prayer over the body, right

so the seats go in order of who’s closests to the dead person. i was the fourth seat (my parents and my sister were ahead of me) and my aunt was the fifth seat. so i had to deal with my aunt screaming and crying and grieving next to me the entire time. when she wasn’t screaming, she was whimpering loudly in my ear about how she misses him

[jay, rip]

also last night when he died i plopped myself in a corner and wanted to be by myself. that’s just how i deal with things. but my family members were coming into the house (mind you, it was past midnight) and coming up to me being like “he’s in a better place” and “he’s not in any more pain”. damn right i fucking yelled at everyone to get the fuck away from me

[jay, rip]

then my cousin’s wife who is a super devout muslim was following me around “praying” for me the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME and i wanted to fucking HURT HER. she was grabbing me from behind and not getting the point when i shrugged off her touch. i flinch whenever someone comes too close without permission and holy fuck i was flinching A SHIT TON bc she kept GRABBING ME

[jay, rip]

i hate being touched. i was getting over that hatred of being touched bc people understood and were telling me and asking me like “hey can i hug you” but then this fucking funeral rolls around and i get strangers fucking grabbing me and yeah that ruined every piece of progress i’ve made

[jay, rip]

and then my other cousin’s wife was VIDEO TAPING THE FUCKING BURIAL?? i’m like WHAT THE FUCK. they’re closing the casket on his swollen, distorted, DEAD FACE, and you’re fucking shoving your iphone camera to get a good shot? what the FUCK is wrong with people

[jay, rip]

tl;dr: my brother died and we had the funeral and burial today. jayson fucking hates people and got touched a lot without his permission, which annoyed the fuck out of him.

[jay, rip]

burned sage at my brother’s grave today

[sara]

rip :/ babes i should say it will get better but it wont and over time the pain you feel will slowly heal little by little. just know never bottle it up, even if its really difficult at times. i hope he is at peace up there

[jay, rip]

thank you ❤️

[jay, rip]

it matters. thank you.

[jay, rip]

we’ll burn more sage at the grave tomorrow morning. i’ll wear malachite.

[jay, rip]

i know that i generally don’t have any concrete religious beliefs but i like to think that he’s in a better place

[jay, rip]

and that he’s not in any pain

[jay, rip]

life’s short

[jay, rip]

take leaps of faith

[jay, rip]

we went to the cemetery again before dawn today. apparently it’s tradition to go every day before sunrise for the first 3 days after the burial. i burned more sage.

[jay, rip]

there’s no official gravestone or anything yet. it’s just a pile of dirt with a marker on it that says his name. and a bunch of flowers.

[jay, rip]

i have a memory box of things i have from people who’ve died that i care about. i wonder what i’m going to add from him.

[jay, rip]

his things that i’ve gotten so far include a Lions hoodie, his little stuffed bear, and his nintendo switch

[jay, rip]

also i love my car uwu

[jay, rip]

i’m at school right now waiting for class to start. i went to the cemetery at 6, slept from 7-11, and now it’s 12 and i’m outside of class

[jay, rip]

this is the first class i’ve been to since he died. fall study break is next week so i’ve got an excuse not to go next week

[jay, rip]

jay wrote: "i have a memory box of things i have from people who’ve died that i care about. i wonder what i’m going to add from him."

the box itself is from my grandma, filled with little things my grandma has slipped me (for the record- she’s not dead), prayer beads that belonged to my grandfather, and now something from my brother

[jay, rip]

i’m here every week at this time and the lecture hall is usually packed right now but there’s 2 people in here and i’m one of them

[jay, rip]

“how to watch 11 seasons of supernatural in 7 hours so i can watch the new season premiere with H when it airs tonight”

[jay, rip]

he texted me like “we’re gonna watch it tonight” i was like ??? i’m on season 2 buddy

[jay, rip]

also my car has this weird dog/wolf face on it and i assumed it was from the dealership but apparently it’s a game of thrones reference

[jay, rip]

something about Stark House

[jay, rip]

I don’t know, H saw it and was like “AYEEEE” bc he’s a big GoT fan

[jay, rip]

MC brought me gluten free dessert and butterbeer last night and my aunt asked if we’re getting married

[jay, rip]

no bb we’re just friends

[jay, rip]

life has been weird these last few days

[jay, rip]

going to my chem class today made me realize how behind i am ?? i was so confused the entire lecture

[jay, rip]

the thing is. i know the stuff. it’s juet the ideal gas law and rearranging it and solving and shit. but i just wasn’t comphrending anything.

[jay, rip]

laundry is hard

[jay, rip]

:(

[jericho]

:(

[jay, rip]

i am so behind on schoolwork

[jay, rip]

the funny thing about him is that we;ve met but haven't met-met yknow

[jay, rip]

we went to the same middle school and high school and hung out wiht the same crew but didn;t like offically know each other till like a month ago

[jay, rip]

its fucking coldd