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Off topic > Bad Writing Contest Extraordinaire!

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message 1: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Welcome one and all to Sir Lancer's Bad Writing Contest Extraordinaire!

After a discussion in one of our many threads a short time ago that led to talk of the Eye of Argon, possibly the best "worst" book of all time in our fantasy and sci-fi world's, I have decided to run a little contest here. For you! The noble Dragons and loyal Jetpackers!

The purpose of this contest is to discover who among you is the best "worst" writer.

You will be tasked with the following:
- writing a short snippet (about 100 words or so) as amazingly terrible as you can.
- Entries must include at least one named character (personally I would go with my famed barbarian Thrust Thunderpump, Champion of the merciless Thunderpump clan) . If you can fit it in and make it work you can have as many characters as you want. Horrible cliches are your friend here. I want to see some truly ridiculous names.
- Entries should follow this character(s) on one of their many exploits.
- I am not looking for bad grammar, misspellings, or things of that nature. The awfulness should come from the ideas you come up with, rather than technical mistakes.
- Entries should fall into either a fantasy or sci-fi setting. We are Dragons and Jetpacks after all. Sub-genres like steampunk, post apocalyptic or speculative fiction are totally fine.

This contest will likely run for a week or two, basically until my lazy ass decides it is over. At this point, me and my fellow moderators will convene to decide who is truly the most awful writer of the lot!

And here is the best part. The winner will receive a free book of their choosing, supplied by none other than your charismatic Warden of the Slums, me! (Book is of your choosing, must remain under 25$ glorious Canadian dollars, otherwise it is whatever you want it to be)

So get out here and write you fabulous bastards and bastardettes.

Let the awfulness commence!


message 2: by Shawnie (new)

Shawnie | 1051 comments I cant wait to read the craptastic stories!!


message 3: by Roger, Knight Radiant (new)

Roger | 1653 comments Mod
You could also use the awesome character name of Hiro Protagonist (totally not Hero), one of my favorites.


message 4: by Randy (new)

Randy (hawk5391yahoocom) It was a dark and stormy night...


message 5: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (last edited Jun 27, 2017 08:03AM) (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
It was a dark and stormy night... Famed barbarian and champion of his clan Thrust Thunderpump sat idly in the dark corner of the nameless tavern, lusting after the many busty barroom girls. Heat was radiating from his chiseled and well worn groin. His task became clear to him. He must spread the glory of his clan, by spreading the legs of as many ladies as possible. But Thrust was no fool. He knew that to slay a dragon, you must toil in the dungeons first. He set his eyes on the heavy, toothless wench who was currently talking to the elk's head mounted on the wall in a lively conversation on the many mysteries of life. And thus he set off on his newest adventure, one in a string many, and not to be his last.


message 6: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
The ground squelched as Thrust Thunderpump pulled his leather boot from the muddy bog. He had been trying to find his way through this mists for days, tasked with finding, then copulating with the elusive Donk of the the Swamp. It was his duty as champion of the Thunderpump clan to spread the glory of the clan to the far reaches of the land of Dumpstoria. Nobody new the location of the Swamp Donk, nor if it even existed. But that would not stop Thrust, for his chiseled and radiating groin had yet to lead him astray, and he trusted it more than his closest friend. He took one last look into the mist and set off again, for his destiny awaited him...


message 7: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
I can keep these going for days.


message 8: by Rinn, Captain of the SSV Normandy (new)

Rinn (rinnsohma) | 3239 comments Mod
sir Lancer wrote: "It was a dark and stormy night... Famed barbarian and champion of his clan Thrust Thunderpump sat idly in the dark corner of the nameless tavern, lusting after the many busty barroom girls. Heat wa..."

CHISELED GROIN


message 9: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
That's his trademark lol


message 10: by Melanie (new)

Melanie | 570 comments sir Lancer wrote: "This contest will likely run for a week or two, basically until my lazy ass decides it is over. At this point, me and my fellow moderators will convene to decide who is truly the most awful writer of the lot!"

I'm in so call it till I post!


message 11: by Freya, Dragon Rider (new)

Freya (FlameCat) | 1216 comments Mod
Ahahaha that is some spectacularly spectacularness Lancer!


message 12: by Veronica (new)

Veronica  (ReadingOnTheFly) | 767 comments The swamp Donk sounds sketchy. I'll say a prayer for ol' Thrust.


message 13: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Famed barbarian Thrust Thunderpump had never been this far south. To the lands of endless dust as far as the eyes could see. His clan chief Anvil Pumphammer had sent him in search of the priceless artifact: The Amulet of Sala'mi. To retrieve he needed to find the lair of the vicious Sand Witch. Sweat dripped from his chiseled and sun drenched groin as be crested the summit of yet another dune. The he saw it, the fabled ruins of Balo'ni...


message 14: by Veronica (new)

Veronica  (ReadingOnTheFly) | 767 comments I think we need a tutorial on how, exactly, to chisel a groin.

Also, I think Lancer has a pump fetish.


message 15: by Soo (new)

Soo (Silverlyn) | 5 comments Admit it, Lancer, you made a list of the cheesiest & common stuff you can imagine and it's a contest to see how many you can throw in. =P LOL


message 16: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
lol! like i said I can keep these going for days.

As far as the pump thing goes, I was trying to think up the most ridiculous name for barbarian I could and it was literally the first thing that I came up with so i just went with it. This was quite a while back so now anytime I have a barbarian like character in video games he knows what name he is automatically getting lol.

Now get on it and try to out terrible me! or this contest it just going to end up being a collection of 47 Thrust Thunderpump adventures.


message 17: by Cupcakes & Machetes, Hybrid Creature (new)

Cupcakes & Machetes (hybridcreature) | 671 comments Mod
You can't start a contest and then WIN it Lancer!

(No matter how many chiseled groins you throw in there!)

:P


message 18: by Soo (new)

Soo (Silverlyn) | 5 comments I'm not actually good at these but I'll see if I can come up with something. If it's really bad, at least it fits the theme. =P


message 19: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
The badder the better!


message 20: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
And if I'm the only one entering I'll just buy myself a book lol


message 21: by Soo (new)

Soo (Silverlyn) | 5 comments I have to say I didn't even get to the part about a prize and don't you already buy yourself books? =P


message 22: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Yea I do, but as a mod I figured I would set up this contest and whoever won I would buy them a book. But as of right bownim the only person who has entered.


message 23: by Audrey, Queen of the Potato People (new)

Audrey (NiceyAckerman) | 1702 comments Mod
Almost done; just tweaking the names. Just post it here?


message 24: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 656 comments I have a couple of days off work so I'm in.


message 25: by Paul (new)

Paul (SubPaul) | 39 comments Nona shouted "Wait! I will do the Superpath Trial! Just don't cut off Hessa's hands!"
Sister Uselesslump announced "No sister has ever successfully completed the Superpath."
"What did I just sign up for?" asked Nona.
"You descend the Blade Path while 30 archers shoot blunted arrows at you," answered Sister Uselesslump.
"Since Nona is the Shield, the arrows will not be blunted. Also, remove the net," announced Lady Whatabitch.
8 burly men stepped forward to remove the net, one of them stepped on Nona's foot and she could hear the bones break.
[insert 7 pages of Nona feeling exhilarated as she goes down the Path]
"Fastest Blade Path time ever!" shouted Sister Dumbledore.


message 26: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Love it Paul. I never even considered going the YA route.


message 27: by Audrey, Queen of the Potato People (new)

Audrey (NiceyAckerman) | 1702 comments Mod
Chardonnay Melvina McPoosh fought off ten of the king’s special elite forces, each one over two hundred pounds of sheer muscle. She dropped one with a roundkick, another with a sword thrust, several more with punches to the gut, one with a head-butt and one with a shrill shriek. She stormed into the throne room, ready to face the king himself. But only the prince, Obadiah Tyrone St. Kumquat, was there. She raised her sword, and he caught her gaze. He held her captive with that look as his eyes roamed her lithe body. She couldn’t look away from his smoldering good looks and chiseled abs. He stared into her eyes, limpid pools of green ocean. She dropped her sword, and he caught her in his arms and crushed her to him. “I will forsake my father and my kingdom to help you fulfill your destiny and save the orphans of Slimatron.” “Oh, Obadiah!” she swooned. “I will be yours forever!”


message 28: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 656 comments Haha you guys are great at this. I'm working on mine but I'm realising it even takes talent to write badly.


message 29: by Shawnie (new)

Shawnie | 1051 comments I really needed the laughs tonight! Keep it going. This is fun!


message 30: by Veronica (new)

Veronica  (ReadingOnTheFly) | 767 comments LOL, Audrey, that's awesome.


message 31: by Audrey, Queen of the Potato People (new)

Audrey (NiceyAckerman) | 1702 comments Mod
Veronica wrote: "LOL, Audrey, that's awesome."

Thanks; I really tried hard.


message 32: by Cupcakes & Machetes, Hybrid Creature (new)

Cupcakes & Machetes (hybridcreature) | 671 comments Mod
Haha, Audrey I love it!


message 33: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Extra points for including the word chiseled


message 34: by Roger, Knight Radiant (new)

Roger | 1653 comments Mod
Good stuff everyone! I'd love to see some more of these!


message 35: by Scott (new)

Scott (MaximumBeans) | 234 comments Ardan The Ardourous left Koth groaning in bed and staggered from The Stoat and Badger to find some supplies. He stopped at a barrow and bought a meat pie from a suspiciously grinning dwarf, and while he was picking a lump of gristle from his teeth with the point of the dwarf’s helmet he noticed a sign across the street. “Ye Heroe Shoppe And Armoury” Ardan read, and then looked at his old man clothes, “About bloody time too!”
The shop was empty, save for the shopkeeper who was snoring loudly on a chair behind the counter. The walls were lined with weapons and armour; there were shields in dusty display cabinets and what looked like an apothecary shop crammed into the back left corner. In the dimness, with shafts of light falling through the grimy windows making dust motes dance and the odd bit of chainmail glitter like cold fire, Ardan tried to be strong and not weep. It was all so…so very perfect. Ardan’s sandal scuffed a floorboard and the thin shopkeeper awoke with a start, then spying Ardan tried not to smirk.
“Don’t spoil it,” Ardan said in hushed tones, “Don’t laugh”
“I wouldn’t laugh at you, sir” The shopkeeper said, what can I do for you?”
“Can you…sell me a leather hooded cape?”
“Why yes sir, in many different colours and sizes to meet your needs and-“
“Can you sell me a barbarian-style loin cloth and leather kilt?”
The shop keeper seemed disturbed by Ardan’s hushed and reverent tones, “Yes, I believe so-“
“And some leather bracers for my forearms?”
“Erm, yes?”
Ardan’s voice was almost a whisper, hoarse and painfully close to tears, “And…and can you sell me a broadsword?”.
“Yes, sir, I-argh!” The shopkeeper yelled in panic as Ardan reached him in two long strides and plucked him out of his chair, hauling him over the counter and hugging him, weeping piteously.


message 36: by Lancer, Warden of the Slums (new)

Lancer (eLancer) | 1641 comments Mod
Damn Scott, that was actually pretty good. I'm interest to see see what kind of adventures he can get into bow that he is decked out in the Thrust Thunderpump special.


message 37: by Scott (new)

Scott (MaximumBeans) | 234 comments sir Lancer wrote: "Damn Scott, that was actually pretty good. I'm interest to see see what kind of adventures he can get into bow that he is decked out in the Thrust Thunderpump special."

Thanks Lancer!


message 38: by Shawnie (new)

Shawnie | 1051 comments Scott wrote: "Ardan The Ardourous left Koth groaning in bed and staggered from The Stoat and Badger to find some supplies. He stopped at a barrow and bought a meat pie from a suspiciously grinning dwarf, and whi..."

I want to see what Arden the Ardourous gets up to with his new cosplay outfit. LOL


message 39: by Audrey, Queen of the Potato People (new)

Audrey (NiceyAckerman) | 1702 comments Mod
Shawnie wrote: "Scott wrote: "Ardan The Ardourous left Koth groaning in bed and staggered from The Stoat and Badger to find some supplies. He stopped at a barrow and bought a meat pie from a suspiciously grinning ..."

I don't think I want to see that!


message 40: by Melanie (last edited Jul 04, 2017 05:50AM) (new)

Melanie | 570 comments Strumpetous Vehemous (the third) gave no heed to meuling, foul smelling peasant town’s folk left behind. They would be more than merely useless in what was to come. The farmer’s sons were entertaining for a time, but their bedroom skills were of no use in battle. The ale served by the dim, toothless barkeep’s wife in the rotting, shack they called an inn was passable. Perhaps if it had been better she would not have smashed quite so many doors, tables, and heads on her way out of town.

Now as refreshed as a swan with new feathers, she began crossing the uncrossable desert. Uncrossable desert. What a ridiculous name. No challenge have I met that could not be surpassed by the epic beauty, brawn, and brains that within me lies. Plus, if the ancients’ texts were to be believed, the treasure that lay at her journey’s dark end would allow her, if she might so choose-which Strumpetous certainly would not, to rule this foul land. No it would be better to lie in her plethoric luxury until tiresome, tedious boredom sent her searching towards another “unattainable” quest. But first this derelict desert.


message 41: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 656 comments Nice.


message 42: by Dawn (new)

Dawn | 707 comments Awesome thread!! My brain is hemorrhaging good taste! Lol!!!


message 43: by Ernesto I. (last edited Jul 05, 2017 07:47PM) (new)

Ernesto I. Ramirez (Montalve) | 5 comments Dragonbane

Trevor Dragonsbane, lived up to his name, at least Sophia hadn’t heard of any dragon appearing to claim otherwise, nor had she heard of anyone with such lofty credentials.

There weren’t many dragon killers promoting themselves. After all, the successful dragon slayer was the one who lived to collect the bounty. Same that kept accumulating after each new failure.

Yes, Sophia had a dragon to kill. She paid in gold and pleasure, which sent many bold warriors to their deaths. Unknown to her, Trevor hasn't lived this long by going and hunting dragons, just outliving the fools who did.


message 44: by Narilka (new)

Narilka | 347 comments These have been loads of fun :) Keep it up!


message 45: by Gracia (last edited Jul 06, 2017 12:05AM) (new)

Gracia Marie-Jose (scarzart) Fe is watching Iron sit.
Fe has never seen anyone sit so steely before.
I must go and frolic on his, lap before I kill him Fe thinks to herself.
“Alas,” Iron cried. “You, vampire-hunter, is here to kill me.”
“Yes. Although I would rather chisel your taco, I must kill you now.”
Iron accepts his fate. Although he can fight back, he knows he could never hurt this paprika-hot hot lady. It was in their names: Fe was Iron. She would always be a part of him.
Fe then drives her diamond spatula into Iron’s chest faster than time when you’re having fun.
Iron slowly melts into a cold death. “And now I shall die. Perhaps in another period, we will be reborn so we can dine on the same table.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher finished his story but the bored high-schoolers made him sigh. Another failed attempt to get them to like chemistry.


message 46: by Cody (new)

Cody | 75 comments I love all of these :) as I am not nearly as creative as any that have pasted a story here, would it be acceptable to paste my favourite blackadder clips in claiming them as my own and hoping you also do not notice they are not text?

also, an attempt to influence the OP, I like the chardonnay one.


message 47: by Portia (new)

Portia | 3 comments It was on the eve of the festival of the Great Goddess Proxima of the Wandering Mole that a terrifying beast descended upon the kingdom of Big-Maple-Syrup-Land, the abode of our noble hero, Prince Cauliflower. It had eyes like chickens, feet like pencils and fiery breath which stank of onions and crayons. The valiant Prince Cauliflower took up his sword, Lullabelle, and struck the beast in its heart. But then the beast’s fiery breath hit the brave Prince Cauliflower. The prince cried out “Alas I am slain!” The beast had been vanquished, but this was no consolation to the loyal subjects of Prince Cauliflower. All the men, women and vegetables in the realm, wept a thousand tears. Thus, Big-Maple-Syrup-Land was flooded and all souls were lost. Oh woeful end to Prince Cauliflower and his noble kingdom!


message 48: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 656 comments Melodrama!


message 49: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 656 comments Maybelline slashed the final guard across the throat, whirled and shot the wizard in the face. She sank to the ground, dizzy from blood loss, and Edwark rushed to her side. He cradled her in his powerful dwarven arms. His beard smelt of leather and musk.

The air tingled as an elf materialised in the centre of the chamber. The lean shape of Jakos stood there sensually and their eyes met. His gaze slid to Edwark and those eyes narrowed. She felt the dwarf tense as he smoldered. He growled a greeting and Jakos acknowledged him with a pout.

The statue of the Cyclops God loomed over the three of them, its gaping socket testament to the stolen jewel. The demon horde was now free to enter the Kingdom. The lives of everyone they loved were in danger. Plus Maybelline still couldn’t decide which of these guys she wanted for her boyfriend. Also, she had cheer squad tryouts at the village high school tomorrow.


message 50: by Audrey, Queen of the Potato People (new)

Audrey (NiceyAckerman) | 1702 comments Mod
Cody wrote: "I love all of these :) as I am not nearly as creative as any that have pasted a story here, would it be acceptable to paste my favourite blackadder clips in claiming them as my own and hoping you a..."

I love Blackadder -- good times watching that.


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