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PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) I am very sorry for my earlier out bursts. i am going to post the same version i had earlier and slowly edit it. but it will be fully edited soon!!! I promise!


message 2: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 03, 2009 01:33PM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) Ch. 1 In the beginning there was Fox

Thursday, the day before Friday, the day that rouses a sigh from most. Not nearly as exciting as it’s neighboring day but it wasn’t bad a bad day, just not as exciting. At least not until today.

I’m floating in these clouds, just hanging out when the nice, soft, plushy clouds turn to dark, mean, cold clouds that are the begging of a terrible storm. I start to fall from the clouds.

Falling and falling until I’m just about to hit the ground. On that ground is and ugly creature. It has the face of a wolf, hands of what could be paws and the body of a wolf, but its hind legs were more like… lion’s and it had the tail of a dragon. It is standing under me like it is about to catch me, but I’m scared and don’t want it near me. It can see the fear in my eyes and puts its hands down to its sides, raises its head, and lets out a bone chilling howl. The sound was filled with so much pain and anguish that I cover my ears and forget about the up coming ground.

I turn to see it, the ground, and realize that I have stopped falling and am now in a dark alley. I spin around to see a figure, it looks human, but I can tell. It starts walking towards me, slowly at first then it closes the gap between us with a few long strides. I still can’t see its face but I can see its mouth. There is what looks to be a small smile playing on its mouth. When the full smile erupts, I gasp. Fangs, long, delicate, sharp fangs that take place of the human canines. It grabs my arms and starts inclining its head to my neck and I scream.

Bolting out from my sleep, I look at the clock, and it reads 2:34. That was the eighth time since my accident that I have had that dream, and I woke up at the same time. It was starting to take its toll on me. I sat up in my bed, grabbed my knees, and brought them to my chest, setting my chin on them. Looking around the room I started to close my eyes again. Flashes of the accident shot past my eyes. Fire, trees, crushed bones, and a smashed new bike.

My eyes flew open and I knew there was going to be no more sleeping tonight. I sighed, dragged my tired body out of my comfortable bed, and sat at my desk. I grabbed my drawing book and flipped through it. When I had had enough of drawing and killing time I finally decided to try to sleep again so I crawled back under the covers and closed my eyes. The flashes only happened once more then stopped and I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I woke up a couple minutes before my alarm and groaned. I rolled, literally, out of bed and took a nice warm shower. I was dressed and trotted down stairs to my mom and brother. I, of course, smacked my brother in the head lovingly and grabbed a bowl and some cereal. When I was done, I grabbed my school bag and ran out to the curb just as the bus pulled up. As I was walking up the stairs, my mom ran out side and called my name.

“Nora! Nora honey, you forgot your lunch!” she caught me and handed me the brown paper bag with my lunch. I smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and walked up the stairs to the bus.

Looking around the bus, I flashed a bright, warm, smile. I saw my best friend behind by boyfriend and started walking to them.

My boyfriend, Seth was a very attractive young man (emphasis on the very and attractive)… in other words my mom loved him and so did I. His dark brown shaggy hair and deep green eyes just made me melt, but what really got me was his smile and voice. His smile was bright, warm and flashed a set of perfect white, strait teeth. His smiled came equipped with double dimples as well. They get me every freaking time! I swear he smiles on purpose sometimes.

To go along with his beautiful smile (or really to go along with the rest of his beauty) was his voice. It was like… like… dang. I can’t even begin to describe it. What I can say is this; it is almost more smexy then him, which is saying a lot.

My friend was leaning over the back of his seat, smiling as she talked to him. When she saw me her smile widened even more. We hadn’t known each other for that long but we were inseparable.

Seth shimmied over and let me sit next to him. When I was situated, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and smiled at me.

“Hey beautiful. Long time no see,” he teased. I chuckled and leaned into him.

“Get a room love birds! Your making us all jealous!” Rae teased.

Oh, yeah. My best friends name is Rae Manx. She is built a little like me, which is a bit athletic looking. She does a lot of dance while I do basketball and dance. She is also taller and skinnier then me. However, we both have dark brown hair, mine is darker, and long limbs and are very much alike. I can’t explain it either, but we are. Of course, my eyes are hazel and hers are a steely blue-ish color. In addition, I have a strange serpent like birthmark on the side of my face and she doesn’t, although. That one is obvious.

The bus pulled out from the curb and we started our usual chatter; what we did that weekend, what we are doing this weekend, how school was, when they get to come over, you know, your average friend stuff.

The bus stopped at the school and I stood up, Seth handed me my bag. I started to get out of my seat and into the isle when some one bumped into me.

“Sorry.” I murmured.

“It’s fine, “ a silky voice answered. it caught me off guard and I had to look up to see who belonged to the voice. I had to do a double take when I actually looked at the boy.

He had soft, shaggy black hair and ice blue eyes. His features were too beautiful to be human. Vampire, I instantly thought. Anyone observant enough could spot one in seconds. Those who looked easily spotted their unnaturally blue eyes and inhuman beauty. it sent chills down my spine and I had to look away. He had a hold of my arm as if to steady me. I snatched it back. Vampires gave me the creeps.

"You okay?" he was sincere... but i still didn't like him.

“Fine thanks.” I said dryly.

The vampire looked amused and he smiled. It was a crooked smile but it was gorgeous. Damn those stupid, hot vampire looks. He let me go first and I heard Seth grunt with effort as he shoved himself between the vampire and me. I chuckled to myself. Seth was jealous of any guy friend i had. i hated him for it sometime, but others it was cute, like now. he caught me when we got off and the vampire boy smiled at me, flashing his fangs, before walking over to his group of freaky vampire friends.

"you okay? That freak didn't hurt you did he?" Seth was freaking out. Rae just calmly walked off the bus and entwined her arm through mine. i looked over and smiled warmly at her. We would often walk through school like that, some people thought we were lesbians at first but then they learned about Seth and hung out with us and realized that we were just really good friends. more and more people followed after our great friendship. it was awesome.

"Nah. I'm fine. he wouldn't be able to hurt me." i teased and gave him a soft kiss. He got the look in his eyes like he always did when i kissed him and when i pulled away he was smiling, showing off his dimples, "No. No more. Not today." i laughed. before i could say anything else the bell for school to start rang. Rae and me looked at each other then smiled, walking to our first class.


message 3: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 03, 2009 01:38PM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) While we were in our boring first hour, Algebra II, Rae, and I passed notes about that weird vamp kid. Even though she hated to say bad things about others behind their backs, she agreed that the kid was bad news. She also commented on how adorable Seth’s jealousy over the matter was. As if I would like a vampire! Ha. Sometimes Seth could be a little ridiculous. Soon, however, it was time for us to part ways: she to French II, me to Japanese II.

In my Japanese class, there was a new student, a girl with brown hair and piercing blue eyes, like that kid on the bus… Like the vampires. Great! I had wanted to get away from them, which seemed impossible these days, and here was another one in my class. There were new ones popping up at the schools every day, it felt. Once the vamps had come out into the open, on Out Day, they had been popping up everywhere, in small towns, in department stores, everywhere! Some liked having them around, others didn’t care, most tolerated them, but then there were those that wanted to kill them all.

Personally, I didn't mind them so much, it's just their creep-out factor is wayyy higher than any human (unless it's an old man who is scantily clad. His creep-out factor would break the scale). And...well...I kinda feel like this is all moving too fast, and that i don't have any time to get used to them, you know? And they act like they are better then everyone. it annoys the heck out of me.

I sat through second hour fuming over the fact that vampires were still around and in our school. I met up with Rae again in our third hour, Drama Lit, and vented about the vamps. She didn't seem as riled up about the subject as I was.

"Why aren't you angry?" I asked, slightly angry at her. She just shrugged.

"They're not bothering me," she said simply. I, however, was suspicious. She usually gave long, detailed reasons for her actions when asked. Suddenly, it hit me.

"YOU LIKE A VAMP!" I exclaimed, much to my Drama Lit teacher's annoyance. Rae was a terrible liar, and I knew instantly that my guess was correct. my mouth hung open and Rae closed it for me.

"WHO! WHO COULD YOU POSSIBLY LIKE THAT WAS A VAMPIRE?" I whispered with such rage it was hurting my throat. Rae was used to my outburst but this one looked like it hit her hard, I groaned with that realization. “Sorry. I just don’t know how you could possibly like a Vampire! A vampire, for Pete’s sake!” I said, shaking my head. She stared at me hard and long,

"What does it matter if he's a vampire or not?" Rae asked defensively. Despite her obvious annoyance at my lack of acceptance, however, her hate of conflict won. "But it's not a big deal, it's just a crush. If you don't like it, I'm ok with that." She smiled at me, asking for forgiveness.

I simply groaned and hugged her, "I'll get it out of you sooner or later." I said and then watched the teacher until class let out.

We parted our ways once again, I to gym and her to orchestra. Gym wasn’t that bad. We mostly ran a lot and being a basketball player, you get used to that. It was more the people in the class that annoyed me, but that is to be expected considering my lack of tolerance. I was sitting with my friends, chatting, gossiping and our teacher told us all to go to our spots. We moved away from each other and our teacher, Ms. K as we all called her, told us about up and coming projects and what to expect. Then the door opened.

My expression must have one sour because my good friend sitting next to me jabbed me hard in the ribs. I just grunted and softened my gaze a tad bit. My eyes were glued to the three figures in the doorway; the assistant principle and two new students. Both of which were vampires. They seemed to be following me to ever freaking class and I felt like I couldn’t escape them.

There was a girl, about five foot five, hair that was a striking red color, like fire, it was as strait as could be without being stiff looking and fell about to her mid back. She had eyes that were blue like normal vampires but with her natural red hair, it made her look exotic. Her facial features were delicate and fragile at a quick glance, but because of my glare of hatred, I could see the ferocity an Amazon aura coming from this vampire. It sent a chill down my spine.

The boy attracted more of my glare then the girl because I knew him. It was the kid from the bus. His shaggy dark brown hair was doing a fairly good job of covering his ice blue eyes but, when your eyes are that blue. it is hard to hide them.

The kid saw me and grinned with perfect white teeth. I just continued glaring.
My friend jabbed me in the side again. I stopped glaring, but I was by no means happy.


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) The girl ended up sitting right behind me but luckily the boy was on the other side of the room. that lightened my mood some. The rest of Gym class went normally, aside from the class staying as far away from the vamps as possible. Ms. K would have none of it. She was over the whole stay away from the vampires- she was one of the people who didn't mind them much and thought they needed to be treated like others- she made us get in a nice big circle, the vamps in the center.

"Now. i want every one to thing of a question, it must be appropriate and not mean. You have to ask a question and you two," she pointed to the vamps, "Are going to answer them. if they make you feel uncomfortable, you may say so and ask for a different question. Jay, we will start with you." her cool steely eyes locked on the the short curly brown headed kid in the back of the room. he quivered some and nodded. every one got in the circle and sat down. the Vamps in the middle.

"Before we begin i guess i should tell you there names. This is Jennifer Ivy Noel, and Gavan michel Stormson. Now. begin with your full name then the question." she smiled and sat in the circle as well. Jay shifted uncomfortably. I was sitting next to him. "Er, my name is Jay Love-Taylor, and...um...Iwaswonderingifit'shardtofitinatanewschool," he finished in a rush (and if you can't decipher that to save your life it says I was wondering if it's hard to fit into a new school). Jen chuckled, "Sometimes. As you can see we get outcasted quite a bit." she smiled. gavan nodded.

"Nora! why don't you go?" Ms. K asked. i glared at her and said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Fox! why don't you go!" she said again. I nodded then turned to glare at the two.

"If i really have to ask a question under those rules then i would have to ask this; If you get so much grief and isolation from the world why do you still try to fit in." it was really a rhetorical question but they had to answer.
"Miss Jones! That was very ru-" she was cut off by Gavan but Jen spoke again, her eyes locked fiercely on me.

"Being outed was a choice; not every vampire had to reveal him- or herself. We chose to live this way so that future genrations of vampires can live in harmony with humans," Gavan said, smiling at Fox, then around the circle. "Besides, we were tired of being secretive."

"Some of us would have liked you to stay hidden." she said out loud.

My friend jabbed me in the side, and I could almost hear Rae yelling at me for being so bold and so rude. Ms. K, who I usually like, said sharply, "Nora, to the dean's office now, for harassment! Dress out and go!"

I sighed and stood up walking over to the locker room. i could hear Jen say something, "Ms. K she was just stating her opinion. there is no harm in that. when we came out we knew the risk we were taking. she was n't out of line in any way." there was something strange dancing in her eyes but it was gone fast and Ms. K looked up, "Fox! you may stay, but one more outburst like that and you are gone, understood?" i nodded my head and sat back down.


I sighed and stood up walking over to the locker room. i could hear Jen say something, "Ms. K she was just stating her opinion. there is no harm in that. when we came out we knew the risk we were taking. she was n't out of line in any way." there was something strange dancing in her eyes but it was gone fast and Ms. K looked up, "Fox! you may stay, but one more outburst like that and you are gone, understood?" i nodded my head and sat back down.


Gavan smiled at me before answering all of the questions. By the time class was out, a few students were over talking to the vamps, and not just the blood-fetish goths. I was grumpy.

I went over to my group of friends and fumed, some of them liked the vamps and asked me if they could go talk to them, "I don't own you. you can do what ever you want. i wont hate you for having a vamp friend." i emphasized the friend part.

Accepting Rae's crush was going to be harder than I thought.

fourth hour was over and i walked out of the gym, tripping over my shoes. i caught myself before i did a face-plant but there were still some chuckles. i walked faster and almost made it out before getting attacked by Gavan and Jen. she walked up and HUGGED ME! i was so stunnded i couldn't move.

"Fox, I know you probably hate me," Jen said sweetly, "but I just want you to know that I don't hate you."

"Right. Whatever. i don't hate you, you just freak me out." i said, still stunned and walked off.

My anger at the vamps was rekindled in fifth hour, art, which I had with Rae. The vamp that Rae was crushing on was in that class. I immediately noticed him, and not long after I noticed Rae
stealing quick glances at him frequently. She was so obvious. I leaned over to her and whispered, "What is his name?"

"Darcy Drake," she replied quietly. I was impressed. He had only been at this school a day and she already knew his name. We were both normally horrible at names so the fact that she remembered his meant that this was big.

"Does he even know you exist?" i asked. She looked sheepish.

"Well...yes, actually," Rae said. I raised my eyebrows. "This morning, I tripped down the stairs and fell into him."

"Ooooh. well, that means he so knows about you know. I mean. it can't be that he just happened to be there and catch you. It might have been another guy." I said sarcastically.

Rae looked hurt. "I didn't say he was there on purpose, I just said he knows I exist because I almost broke his neck. Jeez, Fox. Chill."

"Sorry. i just can't get over the fact that you like a vampire." i said, putting my head on my hands. "Has he talked to since then?" i whispered s the teacher came in.


message 5: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 03, 2009 01:42PM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) The art teacher was a tall skinny woman with short silver hair and light gray eyes; she had a bright cheery voice as well as attitude and could always make someone’s day. Her name was Mrs. White. When she was done talking about the homework from last night she went over to the closet and pulled out a bunch of aprons with a huge grin on her face.

Rae and me looked at each other then back to Mrs. White, light smiles on both of our faces.

“What do you think she is planning?” a crisp voice said from the other side of Rae. We both jumped at the sound of it and I almost fell out of my chair. I would have actually if it hadn’t been for the person who mysteriously appeared next to me. I ended up falling into Tanner Hawthorn’s lap and when I looked up at his ice blue eyes and dirty grin I jumped back into my chair. They had scared the crap out of Rae and me and cornered us. We don’t do well in either of those conditions, let alone both.

Zach Sterling (Rae’s crush) and Tanner (a vampire) had somehow moved themselves next to us with out us knowing and had trapped us in our own seats practically. I glared at Zach first. His platinum blond hair was exaderated greatly by his tan skin and his blue eyes were colder then most. He had a thin, chiseled face which fit his skinny body very well. He was definably muscular but you could see some on his arms, which gave him a slight jock look. I already hated him. Not only was he a vampire, but he looked oh so arrogant.

Tanner, on the other hand, had dark brown hair, the usual blue eyes and was ripped. This guy had more muscle then a brontosaurus! But he was extremely attractive as well. He had been here for a while, about four months, and was well known around school; mainly for flaunting his inhuman qualities. I always figured it was him who the culprit of the fangs in my nightmare. He was always flashing them, he tried not to around me because he had an insane crush on me and he knew it scared me. He did mess with me a lot and always picking a fight with me. He could be rather mean at times as well.

I looked behind me to Rae who was getting over the sudden arrivals. She looked over to Zach and smiled nervously. He returned the smile and they started to chat lightly. She turned to me and smiled then went back to him. I just rolled my eyes.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I growled as I turned back to Tanner. My heart was thudding so loud in my chest I thought it would explode. Tanner smiled and leaned back in his chair, putting his feet on the table.

“The same thing you always think is wrong with us,” He used the term us lightly. I knew what he meant.

“You’re a freak of nature,” I spat harshly. I saw his wince and knew he did it intentionally.

“Oh. I think you might have scarred me for life. I don’t think I can ever sleep at night knowing you think I’m a freak,” He teased, putting the back of his hand to his forehead.

“You didn’t answer my question,” I snapped.

“No. You did,” He smiled casually at me. This guy could really get under my skin.

“What do you want?” I hissed through clenched teeth. There wasn’t a right away answer. I could hear Zach and Rae chatting up a storm.

“I wanted my cousin over there,” he nodded in Zach’s direction, “To meet my lover.” I narrowed my eyes at him and punched him in the chest.

“Ow. Don’t be hatin. You may hate us but she doesn’t,” this time he nodded to Rae. This pissed me off some, the way he talked about her, and the way he was looking at her.

“Stay away from her,” I hissed.

“I’m not going to do anything to her. I just want to get to know her,” Zach and Rae were laughing and clearly having a good time, but I knew Tanner and if his cousin was anything like him, Rae was in trouble. Tanner was studying them, mainly her, like a juicy piece of meat just there for the taking.

“I’m not kidding. You touch her and I will find the most painful way for you to die,” I said in a low and hopefully threatening tone. Tanner had moved back into a sitting position and was now leaning over his knees.

“Ooh. Torture. It would only be painful if you were doing it to me,” he said in a seductive tone. I punched him again.

“Pervert,” I hissed. He smiled at me.

“Vampire hater,” He shot back.

“Blood thirsty monster,” I retorted with a smug look on my face. That one got him and his cocky smile went away instantly.

“Don’t tempt me,” He hissed. It sent chills down my spine but I stood my ground.

“Uh oh. Looks like I hit a soft spot. I didn’t know you had any. Urchins usually don’t,” I was in the lead now. The teacher and other students had moved up to the front and were paying no attention us. Rae and Zach were absorbed in their own little world and didn’t notice the heated discussion going on behind them.

“I’m serious. I could snap in a second and then you would see the real monster,” He was leaning closer to me.

“Ooh. I’m so scared,” I knew this was getting dangerous but I was on a roll and getting a lot of anger out that he had inflicted on me. His features hardened and for a split second I was a little scared.

“Damn it Fox! I’m not joking! Don’t set me off or I might actually hurt you and you know I don’t want to do that,” He looked a little stunned about the fact that he just expressed some feelings towards me. My smiled faded and I was angry now.

“So you can dish out cocky and perverted remarks but you can’t take even a little of your own medicine?” I said. Our faces were just inches from each other.

“Not when you call me something most of are trying to control. You don’t know how hard it is,” He was almost begging me to stop.

“Leave Rae alone and I will leave you alone,” Saved by the bell. Fifth hour was finally over and I pulled away and gathered my things. Rae and me only had one more class together, seventh hour. It was the last class of the day and my favorite, well… sort of. I loved the teacher and that it was the last class but I hated history. I said bye to Rae at the door and then started to walk to my speech class. Tanner caught me by the arm and pulled me over to the wall after I left my locker.

“Ouch! Let go, your hurting my arm,” I snapped at him. He was clearly still upset about what I called him in art.

“Promise me you wont call me that again,” He said forcefully, his grip didn’t loosen on my arm.

“Why. So you can harass me more?” My arm was really starting to hurt.

“Just please don’t. I… I get set off easily, you know, and I really don’t want to loose it with you. I,” he took a breath and I could see the agony and longing in his eyes. It then dawned on me what was happening.

“Whoa! Hold up! I already have a boyfriend and there is no way we are breaking up. If you are going where I think you are you need to stop and think no more of it,” I said. His grip released some but he still had me.

“What if something happened to Seth, then would you like me?” his eyes lokked up from his thick eyelashes.

“No. Because you saying that makes me thing you would have something to do with it and I would hate you forever,” he didn’t like the sound of that and his hand dropped from my arm. I dashed off to speech and left him there, his head hung and sad eyes longing after me. I groaned to myself. I hated boy drama. Thankfully, Seth was in my Sixth hour.

*To be edited*
i got through my sixth hour unscathed and was happy to go to seventh hour
I was relieved to see Rae happy and intact when I reached seventh hour. She gushed a bit about Zach.

I was rather frustrated with her. I told her about what happened with Tanner, and to my surprise and frustration Rae grinned.

"Aww, he's so sweet! You can tell he really cares about you," Rae said. I glared at her. Rae stuck her tongue out at me. "You're such a hater."


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) ((This is all i have posted so far. when i get done editing the rest i will post. i hope i spaced it all! if there are any other changes i need to make, please tell me!))


message 7: by Kevis (last edited Aug 05, 2009 02:57AM) (new)

Kevis Hendrickson (kevishendrickson) | 190 comments Sagey,

As I had suspected all along, your story is very good. Lot's of interesting characters. I could see the Twilight influence, but your characters are what drives this story. There is so much tension between Nora and the vampires that it almost made me start looking over my shoulder!

I am already hooked and want to read the rest. You have set up a situation that I am eager to see develop. I'm wondering what's going to happen between Nora, Seth, Rae, and Zach. Without a doubt, you have my attention! I'll keep checking your thread to see if there are any updates on your story. You are definitely on to something here and I'm curious to know where it goes.

As for criticism, it's tough to really nitpick a story that is still in its unpolished state, that is assuming that it doesn't have glaring weaknesses. The only weaknesses in your story that I see so far is the actual writing which can easily be addressed in the revision process.

If I have to pick one thing that I didn't like, it is the dream sequence in the beginning. Even if it is intended to set up future events, I think it's too abstract to have the effect you are looking for. I had no idea you were telling a story about vampires until I got past the dream sequence. I think you should either remove it, since your story doesn't appear to need it, or revise it so that it actually fits in better with the story you are telling. As it is, the dream led me to believe you were going to tell a traditional high fantasy story dealing with Elves and knights. In my opinion, you don't need it.

With that said, I can't wait to read the next few chapters. Two thumbs up so far!!! Everyone in this group should check your story out if for nothing else than to read what appears to be an exciting story. Well done!




PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) alright, thank you so much! i will edit the dream part or add something before it cause it is kinda important, and yes, twilight and House of night were very influential on this... i'm trying really hard for it not to show... and i actually have the rest of this chapter and the beginning of the next!!! i will post it for you and thanks for your bit on the beginning part!


message 9: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 04, 2009 04:27PM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) “I am not! I already have a boyfriend and you know how much I hate boy drama!” I complained to Rae for a while and we chuckled at it sometimes. After a while I could see her tuning out and entering her own world so I let her be. That’s when it happened.

The group of vampires that had been practically following me and Rae all day waltzed into our class. They were all transferring into this class. My jaw dropped and Rae tensed next to me, her hand went instinctively to my arm, in the intent to calm me. Tanner and Seth locked gazes for a moment and Seth got ‘the look of pure anger’. Seth shrugged it off then moved his death stare to Gavan, who gave him a curious look. Gavan moved his gaze from Seth to me and he smiled, then his went back to Seth and it looked like a light bulb went off in Gavan’s head and a wicked grin played at the edge of his lips.

I groaned, boys. Always the same.

Rae looked over at me, making sure I wasn’t going to flip out. I was fine actually, extremely pissed off, but fine other then that.

“Now. I’m going to call out the names for the rooming situation. If you have nay questions after I am done, please ask me after class,” the teacher, Mrs. Thompson, was the instructor for this classes rooms and things for our yearly trip to Drygulch. It was five days long and opened for all who wanted and were able to go. Most new students got to go because the teachers wanted them to have the experience. Being a sophomore, I had gone my freshmen year, and had a blast. Each grade does different things though, each grade envious of the other. It was like your average summer camp, apart from the fact that it wasn’t in summer and we did learn stuff.

There were about five large cabins per gender. Only about half of them were filled with students, the others had teachers and parents.

I was a little less then thrilled this year because of all of the vampires, but whatever. My arms folded and my headset down on them, I prepared for the worst as Mrs. Thompson started listing.

“In cabin Alpha, we have: Jennifer, Sammy, Chessy, Valerie, Nnekia,” I shuttered. Those were all vampires, and two of them were really bad news. I was begging not to be in that cabin as she continued “Tamara,” a human, “Kelly,” human. My eyes were squeezed shut and my hands were in fists. Please not me, please not me, please not me. I prayed to whatever god was up there listening, “And Rachelle,” she said the last name. Mrs. Thompson had always called Rae by her full… wait, she had said Rae’s name. I jolted up and looked at Rae, who, as always, looked perfectly calm. She smiled at me.

“You aren’t worried in the least are you?” I asked, a small smile forming on my face as well. She shook her head, returning the smile.

“Rae, I know you like the vampires, but you know that a few of them really aren’t that good… right? They are quite good at acting.” I was worried; Rae was trusting, and I was frightened that one of the vampires would take advantage of her.

“I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’ll be the only human in the bunk. Besides, you can come visit!” She didn’t understand. I felt that this wouldn’t turn out well. Despite this, I dropped the subject. Rae could be oblivious to even the strongest hints.

“If I called your name, please stand over there,” Mrs. Thompson said, pointing to the opposite wall of the room. “ Now, Angie, Gwyn, Sarah, Jesse,” all vampires, “Cassie, Jazmin, Camie, Teri, and Fox.” At least the humans outweighed the vampires. Rea eyed me, but I simply nodded at her so she wouldn’t worry.

There was one more group of eight girls, consisting of three vamps and five humans. Only enough guys to fill two cabins were going. I laughed as I heard who Seth would be bunking with.

“Cabin Echo has five boys: Seth, Tanner, Gavan, Charles, and Darcy.” Seth shot Gavan a look, and Gavan replied with a small wave and a smug smile.

Everyone stood in his or her group and looked at whom they would be rooming with for the next five days. Some seemed happy, some indifferent, and some looked downright pissed. Mrs. Thompson talked to us about our roommates for a while, and how we would handle conflicts. Then she handed us papers with a packing list I gave her a half smile as she gave it to me. The fact that Rae wasn’t bugged by the vamps frustrated me more. I was immensely worried.

The bell rang and Rae, Seth, and I walked to our lockers, which were in a row. I gave Rae a hug before she left. Seth was Not Pleased about the sleeping arrangements for the Dry Gulch trip, and he was quite vocal with his complaints.

“I hate that kid so much!” Seth grumbled. His face was red and wrinkled in frustration. I was tired and still worrying about Rae, so I didn’t pay much attention to my boyfriend. I figured Seth was a big boy and could take care of himself. His constant venting was annoying me, actually.

“I’m sorry, Seth, I really am, but right now,” here I gave him a small kiss, “I have a lot on my mind. Can we please talk about happier things?” his eyes searched over me, my guess was to see if I was being sarcastic or not (which I wasn’t), then when he decided I was drained of all patience, he gave me a full on smile that almost knocked me off my feet. I had to close my eyes and steady myself.

Opening one eye, I glared at him. “That isn’t fair.” He turned his head to the side like a confused puppy.

“What ever could you mean?” he asked, feigning innocence. I continued to mock-glare at him, giving myself away when I gave him another quick kiss. We walked towards the buses, his arm resting lightly over my shoulders. When Gavan walked past us, a snicker escaped my lips. Seth went rigid; I simply leaned my head into him. That simple action calmed him down significantly. Gavan looked at us, an unreadable expression on his face. I shot him a curious look but his face was stony and unreadable.

We parted ways and made it to our respective rides. He had to go home with his older sister and I rode the bus. The bus ride, unlike my school day, was uneventful and almost depressing. I was mulling over the sleeping arrangements (just not as vocally as Seth) and I missed my boyfriend. I was going to have to call him later when I got home.


Ch. 3
“Hey honey! How was school today?” My mom asked as I got in the car. I noticed she was a little more perky then usual. With out answering I shrugged then looked her right in the eyes, “Why are you so perky?” I eyed her with playful suspicion.

she gave me a look that was just as playful, “I have no clue what you are talking about.” I just smiled and nodded.

“You didn’t answer my question though,” she pointed out.

“Oh yeah. Well, we had like fifty new freaking vampires transfer to our school today. One of them ticked Seth off, oh! and do you remember Tanner? The one who I kept telling you had a crazy crush on me?” I started.

“The one who is also a vampire.” it was more of a statement then a question really. My mom was never against vampires; she just doesn’t want me to ever date one or marry one or really have any kind of relationship with. Even friendships are iffy with her. I still love her though.

Her comment made me smile, “Yes. The one who is also a vampire. Anyway. he actually told me today that he really liked me… well, he did in his own way but yeah.” I finished with my classic, but yeah, meaning ‘I was planning on finishing that statement but then I forgot what I was going to say.’ My mom smiled at me and turned on the radio, effectively ending our conversation. I purposefully left out the Rae crushing on a vamp story, but I think she can survive with out that knowledge.
I dozed lightly on the way home. my mom shook me gently when we were there.





message 10: by Ra-Ra (Laura) (new)

Ra-Ra (Laura) | 6 comments YAY SAGEY! No offense, but this version is less scary...


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) That is good! i think it is too.


message 12: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) s-s-sc-ary??


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) it was scary because there were NO SPACES!!! OOOOOOOooooooOOOOO SPOOKY!!! Teehee!


message 14: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) oh


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) yup. it wasn't as scary as when laura, she edits my stuff, attacks my drafts with pens *shivers* i hate pen.


message 16: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) i hate it too.....*shudders*


message 17: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 05, 2009 01:25PM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) lol!!!!!! unless it is an erasable pen. i'm good with those.


message 18: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) oh ya


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) do you have writing posted here? *goes and looks*


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) you do! i should read them...


message 21: by Kevis (last edited Aug 05, 2009 04:00PM) (new)

Kevis Hendrickson (kevishendrickson) | 190 comments Sagey,

I truly enjoy reading your story and have read all of your posted chapters. You have some very interesting characters. It seems with each chapter the tension slowly builds to its exploding point. You've set things up nicely in the fact that we are anticipating some kind of dramatic confrontation between Nora and the vampires. I already imagine Seth will play a big part in it. As a reader I'm anxious to see what's going to happen when they go to camp. As long as the emotional payoff of the scenes you are setting up can reward the anticipation of the reader you will have them hooked for the rest of your book.

Because Stephenie Meyers has totally turned the vampire concept upside down, I notice that she has inspired many young writers to make their vampires do uncharacteristic things. In your case, I notice that you also have been inspired by Meyers and your vampires echo of the breed she has created.

Because your vampires, like Meyers, have to this point not shown themselves to be vampires (not in the traditional sense), I think you should explain to us the nature of your vampires and preferably as early as possible in your story.

Vampires, as a rule of thumb, do not walk in sunlight, have an insatiable need to drink human blood (without it they die), and are in essence corpses who prey on the living. You need to explain to your readers why your vampires can move comfortably amongst humans during daylight. We also need to know why they are allowed to do so without impunity considering their nature as I described above.

My recommendation for you would be to address this issue. Just because Stephenie Meyers has recreated the concept of the vampire (the jury's still out on if her vampires are really vampires), doesn't mean that most readers are going to grasp this concept. In fact, outside of the Twilight crowd, no one, including myself, will understand why you have vampires in your stories that don't do vampire things.




PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) i have been trying to figure out a way to do that and i actually think i just have... i can have a prologue explaining everything. would that be a good idea?


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) and trust me, you will enjoy the trip very much!


message 24: by Kevis (last edited Aug 05, 2009 04:24PM) (new)

Kevis Hendrickson (kevishendrickson) | 190 comments A prologue can often work against your story. Sometimes it's better to get into the thick of the action than it is to try to set things up with a prologue. If you feel you need to add one, then do so. But be careful that you avoid creating a situation where you suck the drama out of your story by trying to set things up this way. In fact, if you don't create a successful prologue, a reader will not want to read the rest of your story.


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) true... i will write it then let you read it. it will just give the basics of how they are being allowed to be with humans then tanner or zach... or even gavan will explain things at the camp. and i just cam up with an awesome plot twist!!! it will knock you off your feet!


message 26: by Kevis (last edited Aug 05, 2009 04:50PM) (new)

Kevis Hendrickson (kevishendrickson) | 190 comments One word of advice. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to fall into the usual trap of writing a prologue that reads like a synopsis. Too many writers make this mistake. Your prologue should be as vivid and lively as any other part of the story. If your prologue reads like a bad history lesson, you'll be dead in the water before your story ever gets going.




PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) kk. like i said, i will let you read it before i add it.


message 28: by Rita (new)

Rita Webb (ritawebb) Hey Sagey. Good work. By the time I got to the end, I was really getting into it. Kevis is right that you did a good job building tension between your characters.

But I don't agree with Kevis (sorry, Kevis) about the dream sequence. I liked the dream and I thought it was important to establish the character's personality. Otherwise, she just seems racist because she has no other reason to hate the vampires as intensely as she does. I think the dream establishes that something more is going on than just a girl going to school and hating vampires.

On the other hand, I do agree with Kevis about establishing your vampire world. A prologue is a good idea.

Other than that, I think there are some rough spots--normal for a first draft. Mostly in the realm of telling rather than showing. But again, this is a first draft, and I know I have more telling and less showing in first drafts too.

You should be really proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far.


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) thank you! and i planned on keeping the dream sequence because that was the favorite part of my few friends that have read it. And i and still trying to work very hard on those spots. i can tell when my writing doesn't flow very well... it gets annoying... and i am liking the prologue idea more and more as i think about it. thanks for the feedback! there should be more soon!


message 30: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) ooh, what u said about a prolouge got to me...i was wondering...is my prolouge good enough?


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) ... are you asking me or them? cause if me i can go read it if you want...


message 32: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) all of u


message 33: by Rita (new)

Rita Webb (ritawebb) I'll check it out tomorrow, Kirilee, and will let you know what I think.

The biggest thing to avoid in a prologue is a boring history lesson. You know, something like this:

In 1966, the Hero was born to two parents, John and Mary. John had brown hair, and Mary was blond with blue eyes. The Hero looked just like his mother, and had ten toes and ten fingers.

When he was 5 years old, he scraped his knees when he fell off his bike.

When he was 10, he smiled at a girl but she stuck her tongue out at him, and so he has never talked to a girl since.

When he was 12, he got beat up by bullies...


You get the idea.


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) lol!!! that is an amazing prologue! *claps for rita*


message 35: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) eeeewwww


message 36: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) history


message 37: by Rita (new)

Rita Webb (ritawebb) Sagey wrote: "lol!!! that is an amazing prologue! *claps for rita*"

How amazing! I do a really crappy job and get clapped for. Now if I could just manage to do that with the rest of my writing, maybe I'll get a standing ovation.

* goes to add a boring prologue to some story *


message 39: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) uh


message 40: by Rita (new)

Rita Webb (ritawebb) I only have one story with a prologue. The story is written in first person, from the viewpoint of a thirteen year old girl. But the prologue is written in third person, from the viewpoint of the antagonist. If I didn't have a prologue, the reader would never know the desperate position that the girl is in--because she doesn't know just how much trouble is boiling around her. By showing a glimpse of the darker forces at work, I gave suspense to the rest of the story.

So here is an example of a non-history prologue:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Let me know if you think it is good or not.


message 41: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) i could only read the first couple paragraphs, but, its really good


message 42: by Rita (new)

Rita Webb (ritawebb) Hey, Sagey,

I've been thinking about what Kevis said about how your work is obviously inspired by Stephanie Meyers. And I started thinking about my early writing efforts. Basically, I rewrote stories that I had read and loved, and the truth is, I don't think that hurt me at all. In fact, it instilled my love of writing and gave me a dream.

My current series (starting with the book Scrolls) really sounded like a warped version of the TV show Firefly. I wasn't trying to copy, but my character Lelea reminded me of River. And Lelea's sister Jadon reminded me of River's brother. And then Jadon also seemed to be a lot like Aeryn Sun from Farscape (girl-with-guns personality).

It wasn't intended to be that way, but it was happening that way on its own. But then I got into my characters and into my story, and the Firefly and Farscape influences faded away.

So don't worry about sounding like someone else. You'll come into your own if you just keep writing.

Hope that helps.


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) thank you! that does help a lot! ..... i'm hungry...


message 44: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) lol then eat!


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) I did! but know i want some chicken... i haven't had real meat in like 4 days... that isn't good for me....


message 46: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) oh lol how come?


PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) cause my mom doesn't eat meat so we don't really keep it in the house... but i had chicken!!! It was supper yummy!!!


message 48: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) mmmm...i just had pizza


message 49: by PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (last edited Aug 15, 2009 10:26AM) (new)

PageSageRageParker the Mighty (White Chocolate) (theoriginal) i haven't had pizza in forever!!!!!!!!!!!!


this is not part of the story above


“SARAH! WHERE ARE YOU SARAH! I have a surprise for you.” the man with the scar snickered. I smiled to myself.

Sarah Brooks here, and one of the best spies the universe has seen in quite a long time. 23, black hair, green eyes, and loving life. The current mission, retrieve some stolen gem, some sissy rich guy had it stolen in Venice.

Looking at tall dark and ugly, I dropped down from the vent I was waiting- not hiding- in and whistled. Scar face spun around and a toothy gin came over his disfigured face. I took the typical, unimpressed, stance.

“Are you ready to die brat?” he asked. I had met this guy in more then… 5 fights, and I always kicked his butt (he just doesn’t like to admit it).

“Um… what was my answer last time?” I asked. He tried to lash out at me but I was to fast for him (with my super awesome spy skills) and did a jump and roll over his head, landing on the other.

“How many times are we going to go through this? Look, just stand still and let me beat the crap out of you like I always do. I’m kinda in a hurry.” I said, feeling in the bag, slung across my shoulder. The gem was still there, safe and sound.

“That smart ass sarcastic mouth of yours is going to get you killed sooner or later,” he grumbled. I smiled.

“Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I’m far to ditzy to understand the subtleties of mockery.” I loved sarcasm. it is like my other native language.

“Yes, you, sarcastic.”

I sighed, “Gerald, really now. We are going to have to do this-“ be fore I could finish he decked me right in the cheek, sending me flying and spinning through the air and landing on my stomach, and ladies, you know how much that hurts.

“Now Gerald, you really shouldn’t have done that. You have gone and pissed me off now and you know what happened when that happens.” I didn’t like getting mad, but, you now, it happens. Gerald smiled but was backing up as well.

Hands to my sides I focused my anger and pain to them, forming and orb of fire in each. As if throwing a baseball, I tossed them at him. He ducked, and tried to hide behind a large box. He must not watch very many movies. Roaring, I sent another twenty or so his way, effectively blowing up the large box, that had an equally large label reading “Warning: Flammable”, Gerald doesn’t get out much.

I waited for a moment, smiled at my work, grabbed the bag and walked out, completing my mission.



The simulators powered down and Gerald met me outside of the training room, “You could have killed me Sarah! What the hell!” he screeched.

“You shouldn’t have punched me.” I pointed out.

“You need to take this more seriously, and try things besides fire.” he groaned. I turned on him, still upset about the punch.

“Fire is the most effective and you are the one that needs to focus more, did you not see the warning: flammable sign? It was clear as day!” I snapped.

He grumbled something and walked out.



message 50: by Caitlan (new)

Caitlan (lyonessrampant) oooh good


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