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General > YA fantasy query feedback

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message 1: by Rachel (new)

Rachel Thyssen (rachelthijssen) | 21 comments t's been a while since I queried and I'd like to know what you guys think of my current query :)

Dear (agent),

Seventeen-year old Dalila Bau decides to take her brother’s place in the long-lasting war between the two countries of Medea and Kash, after her brother has chosen to give up warfare and start a family.

Unfortunately, the women of Medea aren’t allowed to fight. So if they find out Dalila is actually a girl in man’s armor, she will be executed for treason.

When she arrives at the war camp, general and Crown Prince Kazim shows he has high expectations of her brother. Untrained and inexperienced, Dalila cannot meet these expectations.

Then she finds out she has the gift of magic, during a heated battle. She helps her fellow soldiers escape from the enemy’s grasp in the process.

Meanwhile, Kazim slowly starts to grow on her and the two form a powerful bond of friendship.

When the Crown Prince is killed, Dalila faces a difficult decision. The God of Death wants to strike a deal: Dalila kills the King of Kash and ends the war, and the god will return prince Kazim to the living.

If the Prince doesn't return, Medea will lose the war. And Dalila is desperate to get her friend back.

Armed with her new abilities, Dalila needs to end the war and save the Prince, or else her country and loved ones will perish.

THE GIRL IN MAN’S ARMOR (88.000) is a YA fantasy inspired by the story of Mulan with a setting like ancient Egypt which fans of POISON STUDY and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES may enjoy.

A few years ago, I published two middle-grade books with a small, independent publisher. Both were nominated by the publisher as best of the year and my second book placed in the top three.

Thank you for your consideration,


Rachel.


message 2: by Nikki (new)

Nikki | 20 comments Always start with the paragraph containing title, genre and word count.

Your pitch feels like it's bordering on a synopsis which is a separate document many agent ask for. What you put in the pitch should read like a back cover blurb.


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