Beta Reader Group discussion

25 views
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA Fantasy Query Feedback request

Comments Showing 1-6 of 6 (6 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by J. (new)

J. Kwong (jkwong) | 7 comments Hi everyone:

Here is my query for my YA fantasy novel of 68K words. I'm leaving out the personalization stuff out, so all you're getting is the info about the book. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

She was born on the Day of Balance, and the Feng Shui masters prophesied she would possess five Gifts—the ability to control the elements of Fire, Water, Earth, Wood, and Metal. But on her second birthday, Ching proved the prophecy false. She is the opposite of a miracle, and is the only person in the empire without a Gift.

Embarrassed by her predicament, Ching’s parents sell her as an Emperor’s concubine, but life in the Imperial Harem proves vicious and deadly. The concubines will do anything to keep Ching from being noticed by the Emperor, and when their attempts turn deadly, the Imperial Army’s leader, Huang Zhou, saves her life.

Zhou befriends Ching and helps her discover her true ability—a Gift so unique and powerful it could annihilate the empire’s enemy. He promises to keep Ching’s ability a secret, but reveals her Gift to the Emperor. And before she knows it, Ching is training to fight in an impending war.

Ching doesn't believe she can help win this war—women don’t fight, and Ching isn't convinced her Gift is powerful. But after the enemy reveals a formidable weapon that threatens to destroy the empire, Ching realizes it is up to her to save her home and everyone she loves.


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments It works for me, overall. I'd start with "Ching was born ..." rather than wait to provide her name.

I think you need some sort of transition from age 2 to whatever age she is in the harem.

You might get some complaints it's too long (219 words). You can probably condense some of the sentences without losing anything. For instance, your second paragraph could read thus:

Giftless, Ching’s parents sell her as an Emperor’s concubine. The other concubines will do anything to keep Ching from being noticed by the Emperor. When their attempts turn deadly, the Imperial Army’s leader, Huang Zhou, saves her life.

54 words down to 41 words, or around 24% reduction, for a potential to get your blurb down to 166.

Anyway, your blurb is interesting enough for me to want to read your novel, if I had time.


message 3: by J. (new)

J. Kwong (jkwong) | 7 comments Hi Keith:

Love the comments. Thank you so much!

- Jackie


message 4: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments PM me if you'd like me to read your first few chapters...


message 5: by Devin (new)

Devin | 5 comments Very intriguing. There are a lot of elements in this that make you want to read the book, especially knowing she didn't get her gifts. I love a problem that is specific to the protagonist, separating them from everyone else. Check the last line though. It should read "it is up to her TO save her home." You are just missing a word there.


message 6: by J. (new)

J. Kwong (jkwong) | 7 comments Thanks for the catch! Appreciate it :)


back to top