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Author Help > Blurb help for Moonshine and Magnolias, take II!

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message 1: by Abigail (new)

Abigail Sharpe (abigailsharpe) | 118 comments Okay, y'all. I want to start querying agents this weekend and need heeeeeeelp with my blurb. OMG I hate endings. Please, rip it apart.

Wendy Marsh has to put her hotel manager career on hold when she and her boy-crazy cousin inherit her family’s bed and breakfast. Her to-do list is simple: Teach her cousin how to manage Fountenoy Hall so she can return to her structured, organized life in Atlanta. Sentimentality and love are two things Wendy can do without – so why does the sexy history professor staying as a long-term guest stir up passions in Wendy that she thought long buried?

Rob Upshaw is hunting for a treasure lost by his great-great uncle when he was revenuer staying at Fountenoy Hall during Prohibition. Only a few minor inconveniences stand in Rob’s way. Like relying on his uncle’s cryptic journals to figure out what he’s supposed to be searching for. Falling for the distractingly beautiful innkeeper who might hold the answers to his quest. And lying to her to keep his family secrets.

As Fountenoy Hall reveals its mysteries, the past mixes with the present. Rob and Wendy must find a way get past generations of lies and betrayal to prove that love can conquer even a star-crossed history.


message 2: by Erin (new)

Erin Daniels | 120 comments First off the book sounds like a delightful cozy romance and congrats! Here are my impressions:
- A bit too wordy
- There are a few terms/phrases that have become overused in your blurb such as "long since buried" and Distractingly beautiful" etc. You might be able to freshen up these traditional romance tropes.
- Instead of just laying out the plot you could inject some of the characters' personality or voice into their particular section of the blurb. It puts the reader in their mind a little more. Your tagline is at the end but I prefer when it's at the beginning, especially when it's a powerful, punchy, grabby one!


message 3: by Ember-Raine, The Lady (new)

Ember-Raine Winters (ember-raine_winters) | 688 comments Mod
I have to agree with Erin! I would rip out anything that doesn't need to be there! I have gotten the same advice many times and I think it's right because people have extremely short attention spans! Less is more and all that! Great blurb though!


message 4: by Sara (new)

Sara Claridge (saraclaridge) I agree with the others. This sentence stood out to me Only a few minor inconveniences stand in Rob’s way.
I realise you mean it ironically, but when I scan read the blurb I didn't see it that way and so sort of dismissed the following sentences. I don't know how to fix it :-) maybe it's just punctuation.
Someone gave me some great advice the other day. Read it as if it was a movie trailer"voice over" and see if it works.


message 5: by Annie, The Mistress (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 2365 comments Mod
Hmm. I'd personally chop out anything and everything that's:

1) Superfluous: ex. "family" is implied with an inheritance
2) Irrelevant: ex. I reckon the cousin being boy-crazy serves a dual purpose but it holds no meaning in the blurb, imho, unless you play it up some more...?
3) Redundant: ex. 3 mentions of Fountenoy Hall
4) Not attention-grabbing: ex. in Rob's paragraph, the only thing that made me think, "Oh? Interesting..." was him lying to keep his family secrets.

Okay, this is a crappy rewrite but I legit got up to (view spoiler) and wanted to help, so keep in mind I'm half-asleep right now haha!

Wendy Marsh is a hotel manager with a plan: Teach her cousin how to run the B&B they inherited so she can return to her life in Atlanta. What she doesn't plan on is the guest whose [sexy trait] she can't stop thinking about and [sexy trait] keeps her up at night.

Rob Upshaw is a history professor looking for a treasure lost by his great-great uncle during Prohibition. What he doesn't expect to find is a [sexy description] innkeeper who might hold the answers to his quest. Lying to her is necessary but falling for her...

That's out of the question.


Yeah, going back to bed now ^_~ Best of luck, ma'am!!

Hugs,
Ann


message 6: by Jane (new)

Jane Blythe Yep definitely tighten it up a little and remove some of the extra stuff that readers can find out once they buy your book, but otherwise a good start, once you rework it a little I think it will be good!


message 7: by Abigail (new)

Abigail Sharpe (abigailsharpe) | 118 comments Thank you! Trying to convey tone is 200 words suuuuucks.


message 8: by Abigail (new)

Abigail Sharpe (abigailsharpe) | 118 comments Okay. take II!
this is actually for a blurb for a query letter, so I think a little more detail is needed. Like, mentioning Prohibition to explain the moonshine (so agent knows it's not being used as a romantic term), things like that. Ann, I loved your ending!

Wendy Marsh is a hotel manager with a simple to-do list: Teach her cousin how to run the bed and breakfast they both inherited so she can return to her structured and organized life in Atlanta. Sentimentality and love are two things she can do without – so what is it about her guest whose sexy smile and intent eyes tempt her to stay?

Rob Upshaw is on a mission to recover a treasure lost by his great-great uncle when he stayed at Fountenoy Hall during Prohibition. What Rob doesn’t plan for is the uptight innkeeper with a wicked sense of humor who might hold the answers to his quest. Lying to her may be necessary, but falling for her… that’s out of the question.


message 9: by Ember-Raine, The Lady (new)

Ember-Raine Winters (ember-raine_winters) | 688 comments Mod
I like it a lot! It leaves enough to the imagination and I didn't see any problems but I'm not great with these things in the first place lol! I'm always asking for help! Lol!


message 10: by Jane (new)

Jane Blythe I like the second one a lot!


message 11: by Sara (new)

Sara Claridge (saraclaridge) I like it too. I don't think you need the "both" and I'd put a "the" in front of "two things" for emphasis, but that's probably just me.


message 12: by Annie, The Mistress (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 2365 comments Mod
Much better, I think!

Annnd I agree with Miss Sara about the "both" but I'm a less-is-more type so there's that ^_~


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