Cleansing, Cleaning, and other Absurdities

[Shel]

These days I am restricted.

Financially, residentially, emotionally, well, in just about every way you can imagine. My life is circumscribed by my own need for privacy, by my crushing and unrealistic need to be perfect for my kids, by my desire to simply get through it.

I can't openly talk about what is happening in my life unless the circumstances are such that I'm with someone I can trust and my kids aren't around, which is next to never.

I can trust very few people. I have lost friends.

I can't make any decisions about anything until the papers are signed.

So I have taken to doing what I can to manage my little piece of the world. In a way, it's the Right Thing to be doing. Because pretty soon the big stuff is going to come right up to the forefront, and having this little stuff done - well, I hope it will help.

I need to get rid of stuff. Superfluous stuff. Like the couches. A four person family does not need five couches.

Plus, I want to get rid of things I never liked or wanted.

So I go room to room and move things around. I move them downstairs into the storage area or I throw them away or I give them away. Without doing too much, without going too far, so that the kids don't notice things changing too much.

Somehow moving stuff around, streamlining every room of the house, makes me feel better.

But today... oh today, I found the carpet cleaner. I had been looking for it for a while.

I filled it with the hot soapy concoction designed for upholstery and dragged it upstairs, where I added about a cup of bleach to the mix.

I never use bleach to clean anything. It's such a harsh chemical.

I took all the freshly purchased sheets and comforter off of the bed.

For an hour, I pushed the the green head of the carpet cleaner into the pillow top of the mattress, and pulled that trigger as though my life depended on it.

Then I washed the sheets in bleach because they had touched the mattress before I had cleaned it.

So that's what I do to manage what I can of my life.

[[deleted user]]

Is it ok if I say this is sad? But I also want to say it is very positive. Positive forward action.

[Shel]

Ha! It IS sad. It's sad that this is what my life has been reduced to in one way and positive in that I am doing what I can, even with all the restrictions.

I think.

Cross your fingers for me. This week the financial stuff begins.

[[deleted user]]

All possible crossing's are being held and whispered to. I got this little flashing image of the fire axe and thought "that would work".

[Shel]

Weirdly enough, I did not need the axe. The part that was worrying me the most... is now officially agreed to and almost over!

I expect finality/closure/papers in hand by the end of September.

[[deleted user]]

Whatever works for you.

[Esther]

I agree that it is sad, and yet positive in that you're trying to find ways to function and keep moving. Shel, I think you are mighty, mighty brave! Those kids are so lucky to have someone like you in their lives...screw that - they are lucky to have YOU, whether they realize that right now or not.

[Patrick]

I wish I had your discipline. Yeah, it is very important to make sure you have less stuff to clean. I was recently sent home from work to redo my clothes because I messed up on the laundry last night and ended up with work clothes that were musty. I discovered just now that screaming and kicking at the dryer as hard as I can doesn't make the clothes dry any faster. I guess I have a long weekend of discarding clothes and organizing them ahead to avoid my heavy load washing. BUT I am keeping my ten year old 'Special Olympic Drinking Team' T shirt no matter how tattered and smelly it is.

[Shel]

Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate it.

Were I a less private person I would have SO much more to unload, but I just... can't...

It's been a doozy of a week.

[Shel]

Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate it.

Were I a less private person I would have SO much more to unload, but I just... can't...

It's been a doozy of a week.

[[deleted user]]

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[Shel]

Oh, Margaret. Thank you for the best laugh of my day!

[[deleted user]]

If I had that ax right now my computer would be dead. I like that ax. I think I will be useing the pic to vent frustrations from now on. I used to use this place in my head called "The Field". People I hated would be put in "The Field" where I could take shots at them with a rifle. They never died just constantly in fear and pain. Ok that's kind of sick. But it worked and I never killed anybody. I'm saving it to the groups pics. Everyone feel free to use it.