Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query Assistance
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Hi Justin, First I think this is a GREAT start. You've got a good grasp on query letters and how they work. So first and foremost, good job!
The thing about this one is that it's too short. You have 250 words to work with, so I say use them. Who are the Shadowmen? In what ways are they a thorn in the side of the world? More importantly, why are they are thorn in the side of the world? You're also missing stakes here. We have the team--Joe, Jin, and Clara (also, two J names might not fly in the actual book...you might want to change one. Preferably Joe, because Jin is a great name)--but we need to know WHY they're going on this journey. Why is it important to find out about Joe's past? What will Joe lose if he doesn't just shrug, cut his losses and live out the rest of his life as an old man? Basically, you need the overall problem of the story.
You should never add anything about a theme or message. It's great that Joe is no longer homicidal and he has to go on a journey to find himself, but it doesn't really belong in a query. That's something for the reader to find out.
One more thing--I've seen mixed feelings about this on this particular forum, but it's my understanding that the word count. genre, comp titles, and author bio comes at the end of a query. You want to hook your reader immediately, and all that housekeeping stuff can come later. Oh, and you can eliminate "I am seeking representation..." because, well, they already know that. If you weren't, you wouldn't be sending them a query :)
I hope this was helpful! Check out QueryShark too and read those helpful archives. Good luck!
Hi Jessica,Thank you for the suggestions. I'm going to apply them and re work my query.
With all due respect, I think your query letter is brilliant -- no ifs, ands, or buts. You nailed it. An agent wants to know off the bat the genre and word count. Why go any further if you're pitching a 150,000 word Sci-Fi orgy to a agent wanting children's books?Personally, I'm not a Western or Fantasy reader, but based on your query I want to read your book. And that's what it's all about. You pitched the book then still have room at the end to include details which different agents may ask for -- such as experience, credentials, or education. They ask for all kinds of different things.
I thought your query was clear, concise, and intriguing. You can add some personal info as requested but I wouldn't try to overexplain the book or storyline. That can be left if they ask for a synopsis - which is very different from a query letter.
I'm envious. Great job!
Travis
Too many whens starting the sentences. Also, you are using subordinate clauses to start sentences. Need to start with direct action.Split the main par into two or three.
Hi Travis,Thank you for the kind words and advice. They are much appreciated.
@ RoughseasinthemedThank you for the advice. I noticed that two sentences in a row started with 'when', but hoped it wouldn't have been an issue. I have since made some minor altercations.
Hey Justin,Nice query. There may be a few things you can do to make it shine even more, but honestly I don't think there is anything you *have to* change. You might give us a short, very basic tag about what the Shadowmen are, but don't worry about trying to make it longer. Also, including theme is fine unless you spend more time on that than the actual plot. I found these posts really helpful in building my query, so check them out if you're interested:
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2006/...
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2007/...
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2009/...
Good luck with your agent search!
Hi Tiffany,Thank you for the advice and references. I will definitely check them out.
Also, I've changed Shadowmen to 'growing threat', which requires less explanation.
I am currently seeking representation for my Western Fantasy novel, WHERE SHADOWS GO TO DIE. Complete at 92,000 words, it is a fusion of Dark Tower and Momento.
It is rumored that the notorious outlaw Bloodless Joe is immortal, but it’s possible that it may all be in his mind. When he wakes in the middle of the desert with no knowledge of how he got there, he’s stunned to find that he has aged significantly. After he is befriended by a mysterious man named Jin and saved by a woman named Clara, it sets into motion a search for Joe’s missing years as well as a way to stop the growing threat that is plaguing the world. With Jin and Clara’s help, Joe will have to piece the past together and confront a frightening truth.
WHERE SHADOWS GO TO DIE delves into the psyche of a once homicidal outlaw as he discovers he no longer has violent urges. Instead, he focuses on ways to repair his fragile memory and come to terms with the destruction left in his wake.