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message 1: by G.G. (last edited Feb 06, 2017 11:25AM) (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments (New blurbs have been posted in message 15.)

Hey there!

I'm debating about keeping a traditional blurb or try something a bit more bold and I would appreciate your input. Here's what I have so far.
Thanks in advance!

*****
Traditional (It really needs work but my mind is numb.):

(WC 99)
Not an adult yet at sixty-five, Zhendar was the youngest to graduate from the navigator academy. Ten years later, hoping to silence the naysayers, he volunteers for one of the most dangerous missions his kind ever carried out. His objective is to infiltrate a society without morals where torture is cause for hysteria and celebrations, a civilization that attacks and destroys worlds for their pleasure. He must learn how they choose their next target before his own planet falls prey to them.

Follow him as he struggles to fit in with people whose values are antithetical to his own.

*****
Or the blunt (Some of you might have already read it although I shortened it for this purpose. I had written it as a prologue but after struggling with the blurb I got the idea that it might fit.):

(WC 290)
Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber. The severed arm that fell in my hands almost slipped to the floor.
"Here," I said, and slapped one of the tormentors with its bloody fingers. "You dropped something."
"I wonder what he'd look like with arms instead of legs and legs instead of arms," he replied and they all laughed at the idea.
He clearly intended to do it. The medics stood nearby, ready to cauterize and heal any injuries so the fun, as they called it, would last. His crime, punishable by death, had been to walk in front of a Duhildalind—an officer—without his explicit permission; however, in his case I should say deaths; fifty-one to be precise. Fifty times, they would resurrect him before mercifully letting him go. Although I pitied the man, he had inflicted his share of pain on other unfortunate creatures before his turn came so maybe he had it coming.
The execution room always reeked of sweat, urine, excrement, and blood: old and new. No matter how much you scrubbed the floors and the walls after such a session, its smell clung to your skin, and to your palate. I had long shut my senses, lest I would throw up and give myself up for the usurper I was.
As of today, I had spent in Xhartan time exactly eight months, two weeks, and five days, undercover with the Ksarrichis. If it had taught me anything, it was how to lock my emotions. Without my ability to do so, they would have seen through my masquerade long ago, mere days after they had drafted me as a crewmember for this ship.


message 2: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments The blunt. Every time. It has balls, and it piques the interest.


Roughseasinthemed | 60 comments Traditional starts with subord clauses in the first two sentences. Not good.

The second is way too long. Although more interesting.


Tara Woods Turner One for the blunt. Trim it but yeah, had me hooked.


message 5: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Thanks guys.

Without changing much of the bold blurb, I cut out 88 words, but I am not sure it still works as well. :(

(WC 202)
Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber. The severed arm that fell in my hands almost slipped to the floor.
"Here," I said, and slapped one of the tormentors with its bloody fingers. "You dropped something."
"I wonder what he'd look like with arms instead of legs and legs instead of arms."
The medics stood nearby ready to cauterize and heal any injuries so their fun would last. The man's crime, punishable by death, had been to walk in front of an officer without his explicit permission. In his case, I should say deaths, fifty-one to be precise.
The execution room always reeked of sweat, urine, excrement, and blood. Its smell clung to your skin, and to your palate. I had long shut my senses, lest I would throw up and reveal myself for the usurper I was.
As of today, I had spent nearly a year undercover with the Ksarrichis. If not for my ability to lock my emotions, I don't know how long it would have taken them to see through my masquerade, probably mere days after they had drafted me as a crewmember for this ship.

****
ANY idea at all on how to fix either one would be welcomed!
Please don't be shy. :)


message 6: by Isaac (new)

Isaac Alder | 60 comments I like both, although yes they each need some work. Bold is great, but it is more of an excerpt than a blurb and needs to be shortened quite a bit still (in my personal opinion). Shortening it to a more appropriate length could also diminish its effectiveness, so that needs to be kept in mind. If you can cut it down but keep it as strong as it is, definitely go with that. Traditional is safe, but as it stands needs a lot of work. The story is interesting and either way you present it has merits!


message 7: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments I think, although I'm possibly a mad person, that you were better off with the long version. Sometimes it's good to bend the rules.

Now I'll have a bash at the other one.

Zehndar was a precocious child when he qualified as a navigator. Ten years later, and still trying to prove himself, he volunteers for the most dangerous assignment life can offer. He proposes to infiltrate a brutal and amoral society. A society where torture is entertainment, and one which destroys worlds seemingly on a whim. His mission is to determine how this race chooses its victims, before his own planet falls prey to their insane lusts.

Can he blend in? Will he complete his mission? Will he even survive?


message 8: by J C (new)

J C Steel (jcsteel) G.G. wrote: "I'm debating about keeping a traditional blurb or try something a bit more bold and I would appreciate your input."

Blunt. Totally.


message 9: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Thanks again guys. So far it seems like the bold one wins but might be a bit too long, however, my attempt to shorten removed its sharpness. I'll work on it tomorrow. See if I can work out something.

Isaac, I agree, it looks like an excerpt but it's not. Although the scene happens later in the story at some point, it's not entirely the same. I'm hoping to give the readers a sense of deja vu.

Jane, I like your idea. I may steal parts and/or words when I'll try to fix the one I wrote. I need to sleep on it first. Thanks for jumping in and give it a try. :)


message 10: by P.L. (last edited Feb 06, 2017 06:45AM) (new)

P.L. Winn (plwinn) | 14 comments I definitely prefer the blunt one, and the longer one was better than the shortened version. That's probably not helpful, given that it can't be that long.

I'm going to--completely unasked for--see if I can keep the bits I really liked while shortening it a lot:

Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber.
"I wonder what he'd look like with arms instead of legs and legs instead of arms," someone said. The medics stood ready to cauterize and heal any injuries so the fun, as they called it, would last. The man's crime was punishable by fifty-one deaths. Fifty times, they would resurrect him before mercifully letting him go.

As of today, I had spent exactly eight months, two weeks, and five days undercover with the Ksarrichis. Moments like this, it was hard not to let my emotions show.


I guess I'm saying I loved the "eight months..." part, and the one-liner. :)

Feel free to totally ignore my suggestion, of course!


message 11: by Aislinn (new)

Aislinn | 150 comments I have a similar suggest to P.L., but I would have shortened it a bit differently.

Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber. The severed arm that fell in my hands almost slipped to the floor.

"Here," I said, and slapped one of the tormentors with its bloody fingers. "You dropped something."

As of today, I had spent in Xhartan time exactly eight months, two weeks, and five days, undercover with the Ksarrichis. If it had taught me anything, it was how to lock my emotions. Without my ability to do so, they would have seen through my masquerade long ago.


And then I would jump into the more traditional blurb, after you've intrigued people with the blunt and brutal opening. Maybe without that last 'follow him' line. That way you get the best f both worlds.


message 12: by Janet (new)

Janet Lynn | 31 comments I like the short version. They say "less is more". I go with that quote.


message 13: by Amy (new)

Amy Hamilton | 91 comments You had me at "blood spattered"


message 14: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Thanks everyone!

You've all been tremendous help so far. Every time I was ready to post a new revised blurb, there was a new post that sent me back to it.

PL, I LOVE the way you cut through it and it still sounds as if nothing is missing.
Aislinn, I took your idea without the traditional part, if that makes sense? You'll see below.

That said I have three new blurb possibilities now. Your opinion/choice/rewrite are all welcomed. :) Here it goes:

1- Something I put up last night before going to bed with the help of Jane's blurb. I wanted to keep it mostly in my words but you had better and more specific ones. Although the two long sentences I've created might make it hard to understand. My hubby didn't catch the second one. Could 'and other worlds the means to get what it needs' be too much (?)

**
Ten years after he earned his wings as a navigator, Zhendar, still the youngest of the fleet, gets the opportunity to silence the naysayers. After he infiltrates a brutal and amoral society where torture is entertainment and other worlds the means to get what it needs, he must determine how this race chooses its victims before his own planet falls prey to their insane games.

Follow him as he struggles to blend in with people whose values are antithetical to his own.
**

2- PL's cuts. Keeps the blunt one without the length.

**
Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber.
"I wonder what he'd look like with arms instead of legs and legs instead of arms," someone said. The medics stood ready to cauterize and heal any injuries so the fun, as they called it, would last. The man's crime was punishable by fifty-one deaths. Fifty times, they would resurrect him before mercifully letting him go.

As of today, I had spent exactly eight months, two weeks, and five days undercover with the Ksarrichis. In moments like these, it was hard not to let my emotions show.
**

3- Aislinn's idea of mixing both (however, in a non-conventional way).

**
Blood spattered my face and chest while the screams of the tortured man resonated within the walls of the chamber. The severed arm that fell in my hands almost slipped to the floor.
"I wonder what he'd look like with arms instead of legs and legs instead of arms," someone said. The medics stood ready to cauterize and heal any injuries so the fun, as they called it, would last. Fifty times, they would resurrect him before mercifully letting him go.

Because I was the youngest of the navigators, I always felt I had something to prove. When the need to infiltrate this brutal and amoral society presented itself, it sounded like the perfect opportunity. Now, I need to determine how this race chooses the next planet they will invade before I lose my mind.

As of today, I have spent in Xhartan time exactly eight months, two weeks, and five days, undercover with the Ksarrichis.

**


message 15: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Amy wrote: "You had me at "blood spattered""

hehe That's good to know. :) Thanks!


message 16: by C.B., Beach Body Moderator (new)

C.B. Archer | 1090 comments Mod
Okay, I like the mixed blood spattered bluntraditional one!


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