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The Lounge: Chat. Relax. Unwind. > One morning in the office - a satire

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message 101: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments @realDonaldTrump

"Vlad, how are you? We haven't chatted in ages. Why are you laughing?"
"Ha, Ha, Ha, Oh Don, Don, Don my friend you are so funny."
"Why? What have I done?"
"Your Tweets of course. Your ability to spread disbelief and confusion are second to none. Even Xi is impressed.
Bashar is getting one of his universities to start teaching it. And Erdoğan is especially impressed."
"He wanted me to withdraw."
"So, did I."
"Well I have."
"Yes a huge success for us."
"I'm protecting American lives."
"Of course you are. Anyway about your impeachment."
"Fake news!"
"This is me Vlad, not some journalist.'
"Sorry."
"A word of advice?"
"What?"
"Cut down the number of people listening to your phone calls."
"Why?"
"They take records."
"Wrong records."
"We have the tapes."
"I dispute them."
"Good that's the right approach. Now, have you seen the new list."
"Which list? You send so many?"
"The list for National Security Advisor and Secretary of State."
"I haven't sacked them yet."
"Not this month. Anyway keep the Ukraine angle going as long as possible and ignore all those security briefings."
"I am. How are the election plans going."
"You don't need to know but our advertising budget is doing well. We've ben actively supporting some Democrats."
"Why?"
"So you can claim interference once they finally decide which id... which candidate to stand against you."
"But won't that help them."
"Only to get Hilary back in the game, I thought you wanted that?"
"Biden may be bigger issue."
"Don't worry about him, we have some more Son stories to leak."
"Good."
"Do you have the interview answers for your next UK interview."
"Why another UK one?"
"They are having another election."
"I thought that was Israel, Bennie asked for my support."
"We may have to let Ben go."
"Why?"
"Haven't you seen the news. He may get locked up."
"But I haven't asked for that."
"Has anyone you wanted to be locked up actually been locked up?"
"No."
"Has anyone you didn't want locked up been locked up?"
"Yes."
"You really need to get a grip on the legal system there. I thought Ruddi was working on that."
"He's got bogged down in Ukraine."
"I know how he feels."


message 102: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments -:) Cool stuff, covers neatly all the recent theaters at once!


message 103: by Nik (last edited Nov 22, 2019 10:54AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments With Philip's inspiration:

- Mr. President, Zelensky’s on the phone from Ukraine. On line 6
- It’s Zellinski, you moron, didn’t you see my note. What does he want?
- To thank you for wiring military aid, Sir.
Pressing line 6. Seven people press “rec”. A brown bear brings the earphones to Vlad P. and bows.
- Hello, Sir, this is Vlad speaking.
A long pause…
- Vlad? What happened to your voice?
- That’s my regular, Sir, why? Vladimir Zelinsky speaking.
- What, another Vladimir?! Do you want to drive me crazy? President Zellinski, I want nothing from you, you hear me: Nothing! Do you understand?
- Of course. We admire you Mr. President, your selfishness is an example to all of us. What nothing would be best, Sir?
- Well, you need to investigate this Snowden, you know the guy with the same ending, but without a snow. It’s not snowing in Kiev, is it?
- It isn’t, it’s very nice outside. You gotta come visit someday, Mr. President, you’ll see how friendly and uncorrupted our people are.
- Yeah, corruption. It’s absolutely inadmissible here in America, see it through that we get to this bi-sexual snow den, just drop the middle words.
- Haha, we love your humor, so refined. You know I used to be a comedian once.
- Yeah, Rudi told me. But corruption is no joke. Entirely intolerable. And I ran a beauty pageant, by the way.
- Then you have taste. Our ladies are so beautiful, something rare. And the real estate is so cheap. You can erect a tower just with premiums you pay to Obamacare.
- Don’t remind me. So, what brings you here, why are you calling?
- Oh, to thank you for your generous military aid! Now we can liberate Crimea, conquer Moscow.
- What?! How much did we give?
- No, I’m joking, Sir. My crude humor, no worries.
- Ha, well, welcome anyway. I always insisted we never stop paying, do you know?
- But, of course, Sir. It’s probably some low rank bureaucrat who stopped it. Would never think of you, never.
- All right, then. No corruption, remember!
- Gonna make it a national motto, Sir. Thank you so much.


message 104: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Nik wrote: "With Philip's inspiration:

- Mr. President, Zelensky’s on the phone from Ukraine. On line 6
- It’s Zellinski, you moron, didn’t you see my note. What does he want?
- To thank you for wiring milita..."


Excellent!


message 105: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Golf course, situation room, few minutes after the Iranian reprisal

- Sir, they were targeting our Secretary of Defense!
- What? Mark? But he's at least 6000 miles away from where they hit
- That's why they've announced a near miss.
- Do we have intel on further attacks?
- No, they are standing down.
- Ha! Who made America strong again? What about other targets off the shelf? Give me something juicy.
- Razing Tehran to the ground, a couple of mosques, wiping their nuke program, ayatollahs, Nancy, Joe
- Nah, that's banal, lets do biz. Offer them negotiations. Remind me towards the elections, we might destroy something then


message 106: by Nik (last edited Mar 31, 2020 03:51AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments - Mr. President, Boris is on the phone.
- Block this call, he’s contagious.
- But not via the phone
- How do you know? You say it’s not a flu, trying to sell me this Chinese hoax as the real thing. We’ll place a complete lock-down on telecommunications, then lift one on public transportation in mid-April.
- What? Mr. President that can be disastrous until we rein in the spread.
- Disastrous, you say? By November my popularity will be 110%, including Bernie. A press-conference every day, this virus does the entire campaign for me! And we’ll give a trillion to each American and half of that to each deceased
- Hmm.. How to put it mildly, that’s an ambitious plan, but we might have hardships in printing that much money.
- Oh, come on, stop thinking small. Replace all one-dollar bills with 1 million ones and make most of them electronic.
- Gotcha, Mr. President
- And also, blockade New York, I’m sick (sneezing) of the same Dem dynasty running this state for centuries.


message 107: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments I'm only laughing because it's true. ;)
Nicely done, Nik.


message 108: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Thanks, G.R.! We are all in the same boat, so if a bit of humor helps to keep the spirits up, I believe it’s a positive thing


message 109: by Marie (new)

Marie | 479 comments I agree with G.R. - you are so close to the truth Nik! These everyday appearances by Trump is definitely campaign tactics. Sometimes he has been on twice a day. Along with offering Americans funds to help out with their financial needs. It is interesting how it just so happened that this virus hit during election year.


message 110: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments I'm just anxiously waiting for my trillion dollar bill.


message 111: by Nik (last edited Apr 05, 2020 12:39AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments When the boss is negative, everyone's positive :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zkffn...


message 112: by Nik (last edited Apr 27, 2020 11:40PM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments - Jane, I need you to write down my diet advice to make American people strong again
- Yes, Sir, to fight the Chinese virus?
- To stay alive and vote in November 2022
- I’m sorry?
- I’m a little busy this year. It’ll have to wait. Are you ready with the pen of yours?
- Yes, Sir, shoot.
- Okay. Morning – an omelet and a glass of Lysol, lunch – American made pork and half a glass of coke with Hydroxychloroquine mashed inside, supper – well …. err
- Yes, Sir?
- No supper. Tell them to wait for further instructions.
- Is that it?
- Yeah, tweet it out. And make sure they understand – nothing Chinese. No food, no cellphones, nothing.
- But half of what’s American is manufactured in China, Sir?!
- Blame it on Democrats then, would you?


message 113: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments A welcome return


message 114: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments - “Hey, you, secretary-type girl.”
- “Actually, I’m an intern, sir.”
- “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I want you to send flowers and a Get Well card to Kim Jong Un. And balloons. Lots of colorful balloons. Everyone loves balloons.”
- “But, Mr. President, no one has heard from him. We don’t even know if he’s alive and no one knows where he is.”
- “I know where he is.”
- “You do? But, sir, the Intel Chiefs briefed you this morning that they don’t know where he is.”
- “They did? Well, that’s because they don’t. No one does.”
- “But you just said…?”
- “I was being sarcastic. Do you know what sarcasm is?”
- “Yes, sir, but…”
- “Sarcasm is when you say something everyone but you knows is untrue, and then you have to cover it up by saying you were just making a joke and everyone else is just stupid.”
- “That’s not…”
- “Are you being sarcastic?”
- “No, sir. Um, so about those flowers, where should I send them?”
- “Forget the flowers. No one really likes flowers anyway. Just send the balloons. Big, puffy ones.”
- “But to where, sir?”
- “Mar-a-lago. The Dictatorial Suite.”
- “Kim Jong Un is at Mar-a-lago?”
- “Who?
- “Kim Jong Un. The North Korean leader.”
- “I have no idea where Un is. Just send me the balloons. Oh, and instead of a Get Well card, make it one of those You’re Really Special cards where people say nice things about me and tell me I’m great.”
- “Yes, sir. Anything else?”
- “Yes. Cheeseburgers. And not the cheap kind either. I like the ones where they give you one of those golden crowns that you can make fit your head.”
- “Yes, sir.”


message 115: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments -:) Well joined, G.R.!


message 116: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Zoom Video Conference - hacked recording...
Vlad: "Are we all here?"
Xi: "Yes Comrade Chairman, I mean friend."
Assad: "Where's Kim?"
Xi: "He's on mute again"
Vlad: "Permanently?"
Xi: "No one knows."
Don: "Hey Xi, like the hat and full protective face mask - I thought the fake virus was over in China?"
Xi: "It is but I like wearing it Don, I see you have your usual baseball cap."
Don: "It's a great hat for a great..."
Vlad: "Stop the crap about hats everyone. This is serious."
Group: "Sorry Vlad..."
Assad: "But Vlad you told us to get hew hats."
Vlad: "Assad you numbskull I said a new hard hat for the air raids next week."
Assad: "What air raids?"
Vlad: "The ones Erdogan is arranging ."
Assad: "But we are all friends now."
Vlad: "We have to keep COVID off the news."
Don: "Fake news."
Vlad: "Not now Don."
Don: "Sorry Vlad."
Vlad: "Agenda gentlemen agenda and don't all speak at once like last time. Don, what's the progress with Biden."
Don: "He hasn't got it."
Vlad:"Why not?"
Don: "He's taking precautions."
Vlad: "But you've lifted the lock down like I told you."
Don: "Yes of course."
Vlad: "Why didn't he drink the bleach, Kim did claimed he was testing the theory."
Xi: "Numbskull"
Vlad: "No need for insults Xi."
Xi: "Sorry Vlad."
Vlad "Don?"
Don: "I'm not allowed to mention bleach again."
V;ad: "By whom?"
Don: "Ivanka, she is upset that there is no toilet cleaner left in the White House."
Xi: (laughing) "Another shortage in USA?"
Don: "Yes, but since we stopped Rudi writing confessions on Toilet paper that situation has improved."
Vlad: "Small victories."
"Yes Vlad, I am planning on mentioning at today's TV briefing."
All: "No more briefings!!!!!"


message 117: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments -:) All encompassing - all the dudes in one team! Almost like The Expendables II, if Stallone agrees to join


message 118: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments You're welcome, Nik. You inspire me!

This discussion thread is the most entertaining thing on GoodReads. Well worth the member cost to join the WWW group.


message 119: by Nik (last edited Apr 28, 2020 09:26AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Glad you like it and picked up the gauntlet! It's so much more fun to do it in a company. And we are blessed to have colorful leaders around :)


message 120: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments Phone rings in Pentagon.
“Yes, sir?”
“This is Donald. The big Cahuna. Get me the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.”
“Yes, sir, right away.”
--shuffling sounds and muted talking in background. The phone gets picked up again.
“This is Mark, Mr. President.”
“Espy! How are you?”
“Good, sir, what can I do for you?”
“I had an idea on how to get rid of the coronavirus. It’s a great one. Really great. Just great. Look, how soon can the Space Force be ready?”
“Excuse me, sir? What does that have to do with—“
“Look, as soon as we have some of those super-duper missiles you promised me, I want you to round up all those viruses running loose and shoot them out into space. And I need you to do it right away so I can have one of my MAGA rallies again. I miss those. Tweeting just doesn’t get me all pumped up like a crowd yelling “Lock her up!” or shouting obscenities at the media.”
“Sir, you can’t just round up the virus. We haven’t been able to contain it.”
“Well, then we’ll just nuke it like we do hurricanes.”
“Sir, the virus has spread all over the world! You can’t nuke the whole world. You’ll kill everyone.”
“You’re bringing me down, Espy. I’m counting on the Space Force you promised me to make me look good.”
“We’ll do our best, sir.”
“And you’re working on those light sabers we talked about, right?”
*sigh* “Yes, sir.”


message 121: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments G.R. wrote: "Phone rings in Pentagon.
“Yes, sir?”
“This is Donald. The big Cahuna. Get me the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.”
“Yes, sir, right away.”
--shuffling sounds and muted talking in background. The p..."


Excellent


message 122: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Well done! Mega problem requires mega solution


message 123: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments For those, who’ve missed the candidates’ debate, I’m putting the transcript here
(may contain minor inaccuracies)
Don: You know, Joe, let’s switch. I’ll be the Dem nominee, and you’ll be Rep. I’ve been independent, I’ve been/am Rep. Want Dem this time. You can get Pence, as part of the deal.
Joe (after thinking 12.5 minutes): what kind of democrat are you? That’s ridiculous
Don: Much bigger than you. Ask anyone. I am big. One of the biggest. No one’s bigger than me. On the other hand, you are a small democrat, very tiny, unfelt democrat, take Obama to Alabama kind of democrat.
Joe: What? I need to call president Obama. Wait a sec
Donald: You are late by 5 years. He’s out writing memoirs. Why would Dems need someone like you, if they have me. It’s probably because of your bad women that I need to take care of.
Joe: what, bed woman, the one that worked for me?
Don: I don’t know how you call them: Hillary, Nancy, Tulsi, whatever, I beat them all.
Joe: I’ve got real Blacks, Mexicans and international space station on my side. You’ve zero chances
Don: Hunter, God & Ukraine will help me.
Joe: viva Ukraine. Whom do you want to fire there?
Don: Joe Biden.
Joe: Alright, done. See you soon


message 124: by Philip (last edited May 29, 2020 11:48AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments After 30 mins of ring tones and 12 menu options the Whitehouse switchboard puts a call through....
"Twitter help desk, how can I help?"
"Stop deleting my Tweets"
"I'm sorry sir, i just need to ask some security questions before we can look into any technical issues for you. Can i get your name and Twitter ID?"
"The real Donald Trump" sound of lines being transferred....
"Twitter help desk how may I help you please answer in a clear voice after I run through the selections you are two thousand and eighty four in the queue, if your call is about Vladamir Putin please press 1 or say yes after the tone." Beep
"Vald? Why Vlad?"
"You are now 3465 in the queue, if your call is about Vladamir Putin please press 1 or say yes after the tone." Beep
"No, I mean 2"
"You're through to President Xi's hotline chat support queue there are 7 million 419 thousand ahead in the line from Honk Kong wishing to verbally pass on Twitter congratulations to President Xi"
"I mean one I meant one"
"Vlad's line how can I help?"
"Someone is deleting my tweets."
"and"
"I need my tweets"
"Sir are your tweets in favour of or against our great leader Vladamir Putin?/"
"Neither, look I'm the President of the United States and i will ban you if you don't help."
"Sir if you ban us you won't be able to tweet."
"OK I won't ban you I'll just tweet that I will."
"SIr, we will fact check that tweet and delete as needed."
"Is there someone else I can talk to like a supervisor or someone?"
"One moment Sir I'll transfer you."
"You're through to President Xi's hotline chat support queue there are 7 million 419 thousand ahead in the line wishing to verbally pass on Twitter congratulations to President Xi"
Dial tone....


message 126: by Nik (last edited Jun 03, 2020 11:54PM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Washington, underground reinforced golf course aka the “Bunker”, Emergency Security Council

- Are you hiding here, Mr. President?
- No, I’m playing golf. I want to go to church and you need to clear all those anti-americans off the streets.
- Governors and mayors are on it, Sir.
- They are weak. We need a decisive action here. How about the army, round them, disperse, arrest and deport to Canada. Mark?
- We can’t use U.S army on the American soil, Sir.
- Don’t disappoint me, Secretary. Fine, if you can’t use our army, you don’t leave me a choice. (Turning to adjutant) Connect me with Vlad urgently.
Mark: I can’t breathe.
- Oh, wait, I have a better idea. To quell them down, we can strangle a white sacrifice and televise it. Think how many casualties it would safe.
- Certainly, a life-saving and humane approach.
- Glad you like it. Too bad Barack is an unsuitable candidate, use Joe then, failing which – Mad Dog. And by the way, do me a favor deploy a commando unit to intercept some of those Gucci and cakes for me


message 127: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments Nicely done!


message 128: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Thanks, G.R., haven't even started the weekend drinking yet :)


message 129: by G.R. (new)

G.R. Paskoff (grpaskoff) | 223 comments You really have to stay on top of current events and drinking to beat you guys to the pun(ch)! ;)


message 130: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Hope it’s a stimulating challenge:)


message 131: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Keep at it guys....


message 132: by Philip (last edited Jun 17, 2020 09:21AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments @RealDonaldTrump
"Mr. President, Sir?"
"Yes what is it? Where are you?"
"Down here Sir. Your latest internal memo to staff."
"What about it?"
"Er, I'm...."
"Get on with it I have tweets to write and former advisors to sue."
"About the new policy, SIr?"
"Yes, yes, the greatest, bestest, biggest, policy ever, I will make America great again."
"Yes, Sir, but can I just check a few things."
"Of course my door is always open except whet its not and no telling anyone what we talked about. By the way where's my coffee?"
"That's the problem Sir."
What, we've run out of coffee, I though I ordered 500 cases at the start of the lockdown."
"You did Sir, they are in the Situation Room for safe keeping."
"So where's my coffee."
"Sir it's the memo."
"What about it."
"You've explicitly told the staff they cannot report what they talk about with you."
"Of course, great policy , great country we're great and I'm going to make..."
"Sir! No one can get you a coffee because no one is allowed to discuss with anyone what you said."
"So you want me to change the policy. I don't backtrack ever."
"I know Sir, but its not just the discussions its the requirement to crawl in and out on our knees."
"Great idea don't you think?"
"The staff want knee pads Sir but they can't have them we're using them all as improvised face masks."
"For what?"
"You wanted to stop all the kneeling protests so we requisitioned the nation's supply."
"See I knew I could stop that protest."
"If that's all Sir I'll go and not get you your coffee now and nothing else I won't get neither nor discuss write down or record any item of our conversation on pain of a week with John Bolton."
"Great great I'll make it all great...."


message 133: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Excellent illustration!


message 134: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Inspired by a low water pressure: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...

" - This is a disgrace. How can America be great again when the water doesn’t flow in the showers? Everything is perfect, except for my hair. That’s a fly in ointment of my otherwise impeccable campaign!
- Sir, would you want an extra bucket of water?
- I have a better idea. Dial this dictator for me.
- Who: Kim, Vlad, Recep, Xi?
- No, not them. The last dictator of Europe, Sasha or, whatever his name is, from Belarus.
- Alexander? That rare specie that Mike visited on a dictator’s tour recently?
- Yes. I need their water canons for my stylish hair. Or for a White House siege, if it eventuates. Besides it’s killing two birds: all these protesters, half of his country, will soon come ask for asylum anyway. I don’t want them wet. I’m thinking five steps ahead.
- Exemplary strategic approach, Sir.
"


message 135: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Nik wrote: "Inspired by a low water pressure: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...

" - This is a disgrace. How can America be great again when the water doesn’t ..."


Excellent - now I have a challenge to follow and have not fogotten compilation but been proper writing...


message 136: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments I'm sure lots of inspiring events lie ahead


message 137: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Click, khkhr, bang, boo…
- Allo, allo, Vlad don’t hang up!
- Don, is that you?
- Yes, sorry, da.
- What happened, don’t you use official communication line for avoidance of nuclear incidents?
- No, you’ve just said it.
- Said what?! Nukes, god forbid?
- No, about avoidance. Don’t you read fake news?
- Ah, yes, I was about to send a congratulating telegram. How did you manage to pay so little?
- Long story, my friend.
- So, how can I help? Do you want maybe to pay some taxes here in Moscow?
- Nah, I hate them, but I need a small favor.
- What would it be this time?
- Can you maybe leak my “real tax reports” with all the millions I contributed to this country?
- That’s easy, consider it done. Do you want also Joe’s medical reports, corroborating his inept condition?
- Can you do it? That would be nice, but wait until after the debate, corroborating might not be needed.
- And what’s in there for me, my friend? Do you want to buy some Russian vaccine maybe? Much better than bleach, I assure you.
- Spasibo, but I’ll wait with that a little. Instead - swallow Belarus, bon appetite, and go ahead with bombing Azerbaijan or Armenia or both, if you like.
- Great, you really deserve Nobel for your peacemaking, my friend. Good luck, stay tax - and china virus-safe!


message 138: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Nik wrote: "Click, khkhr, bang, boo…
- Allo, allo, Vlad don’t hang up!
- Don, is that you?
- Yes, sorry, da.
- What happened, don’t you use official communication line for avoidance of nuclear incidents?
- N..."


A welcome return - not inspired at the moment


message 139: by Margaret (last edited Oct 02, 2020 04:39PM) (new)

Margaret Walker | 18 comments Nik wrote: "Click, khkhr, bang, boo…
- Allo, allo, Vlad don’t hang up!
- Don, is that you?
- Yes, sorry, da.
- What happened, don’t you use official communication line for avoidance of nuclear incidents?
- N..."


Hey guys, come to Australia where the American dream can be a reality. We live in a representative democracy, so anyone can climb their way to the top job without being a billionaire and no one counts the balloons. Voting is compulsory and we didn’t abolish our king only to give kingly power to a president. The downside is that ordinary Australians are forced into turning up to vote or get fined so, if the election’s deadly dull like last time, the one good thing is the sausage sizzle at the polling booth. We are not a very important country so there is no need for overseas interests to get involved in which joker wins, Trump or Biden. Sorry, Vladimir.


message 140: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Thanks for the invite, Margaret! Can I present it to immigration authorities?
The Down Under is well advertised :) A good sausage might be worth travelling half of the world for.
Don't underestimate Vlad: I remember when I was visiting a War Museum in Canberra, there was a significant exposition, dedicated to preparations for once expected Russian invasion :)


message 141: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments Staff meeting in the basement of a candidate, running for the office of the President of the USA.
Three days after the last debate.
- Kamala, darling, now that I’m thinking about it, I forgot to insult him.
- No, Sir, you did and perfectly so. You got him, spot on!
- Err… Can you remind me, how exactly?
- You called him Abraham Lincoln, absolutely brilliant. Too bad Linkin Park isn’t performing much, we could’ve used them for our anthem.

After half an hour

- Um, sounds like a compliment to me.
- What are you talking about?
- About Donald being Abraham, don’t you follow me?
- Ah, that. That was perfectly sarcastic!
- Yes, sarcastic, bravo me! (Laughing heartily) Do you think anyone else understood my exquisite humor?
- Barack did, I checked with him. Maybe a few more.
- Shouldn’t we issue a clarification that Donald is Abraham?
- Maybe towards next debate in four years, Sir …


message 142: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments @realDonaldTrump

"Mr President, Mr President?"
Silence
"Mr President, where are you?"
Muffled, "Under the desk."
"Sir, why are you under the desk?"
"I'm not leaving."
"No, Sir you have until January."
"I'm not leaving ever!"
"Sir, I have your Big Mac extra large, you can eat it at your desk." With a huff of compliance the 45th President of the United States of America take his seat behind the Oval Office desk.  "Sir, FLOTUS says, that you can't come back to the private apartments until you have a shower."
"I'm not leaving the Office of President. The election was stolen I tell you stolen."
"Yes Sir, we know Sir, Mr. Giuliani has told us all that it was stolen and to make sure we say it too."
Through munching of Big Mac "Good man Rudi, Great Man, Greatest lawyer ever just great."
"Yes SIr, I'm sure Sir. Just One thing on the Councillor...."
"What? Not that movie again?"
"No Sir, Mr Cohen, is not involved."
"Who's Cohen not my old lawyer? He's in jail isn't he?"
"No Sir, he's out, that's Michael Cohen the movie is Mr Sasha Baron Cohen"
"He's a Baron?"
"No, that's his name?"
"I thought it was Borat"
"That's his character Sir, we are somewhat off the point."
"I'll get Boris to lock him up. worked for Hilary!"
"It didn't... never mind. The Prime Minister cannot lock him up."
"We got Assange locked up."
"Not quite but back to the point?"
"You're spoiling my Big Mac going to need another one of these."
"Yes Sir, the third one this morning will, be here shortly. Where was I?"
"Told you we should have put a franchise in the Rose Garden who needs a rose garden anyway?"
"Sir. Mr. Giuliani is being sued by a Porn emporium."
"I wasn't there, I never touched her, she signed an NDA, she..."
"Sir not you!"
"Told you., told you, where's my burger?
"You've eaten it," sigh, "the next one will be here in," checking phone, " five minutes according to Deliveroo. Shall I continue?"
"Has Vlad or XI called?"
"No Sir."  Sound of sobbing.
"I miss them."
"Yes Sir, Mr. Giuliani is being sued for defamation."
"What? In the car lot even I didn't get the..."
"Sir defamation not defaca... I mean Sir, The Porn store not star are upset about being called a video shop. Video shops are dead Sir. They feel their sales will be affected so they are suing. The Four Seasons...."
"Lousy hotel chain not like Trump hotels, greatest hotels ever great just great..."
"The Four Seasons Landscape Gardeners are also suing for failing to get a permit for a press conference on their parking lot.
"Is that it?"
"Not quite Sir. Defence Sir."
"Have they got my barbed wire?"
"About that SIr?"
"I fired that idiot Esper for not getting it. I'm good at firing and tweeting and firing and..."
"Sir, Mr Esper left because as he told you you are not permitted to surround the Oval Office with barbed wire and mines "
"Why not I'm the President I can do what I want. I can fire Congress if I want, send in troops launch the nuclear thingies..."
Sound of door knocking, mumbled "Thank God," More loudly, "Sir your next Big Mac."
"Oh great just great the greatest burgers in the world for the greatest President..."
"Sir, Ivanka says that you can have her lollipop if you do the Warp Speed Press Conference."
"It's a deal as soon as I've finished this Big Mac I like talking about Star Trek."
"Yes Sir. Whilst you eat that these two men are just going to take some carpet measurements."
"Are we getting new carpets?"
"No Sir the next President is."


message 143: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments The office is back - excellent stuff!


message 144: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments There is a long-lasting tradition for a president to leave his (so far not “her”, but maybe soon) successor a letter. Thanks to our exclusive sources we’ve just obtained a copy of the one that is supposed to be left tomorrow on Jan 20.

"Unbeloved Sleeping Joe,

You know I’ve got the keys, so don’t get too comfy at night – I might come to check whether I’d left something behind. You’ve stolen my victory. I might steal a thing or two back. Violence is not a solution and I renounce any of its manifestations, but if you make America small again like your boss Barack, we’ll fight back and I might not be tender. You haven’t won.
Sincerely not yours,

Donald, your nightmare, the Great, a perfect physical specimen,
The REAL President "


message 145: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments Beat me to it...

will work on next instalment - will have to wait till after w/e

Still have intention to combine and release - just need some more time...


message 146: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments No hurry, Philip, nor - any shortage of inspirational material with Biden assuming the office and Trump mulling over establishing Patriots Party.
Wonder if this can be set up as a compilation on Amazon


message 147: by Philip (last edited Jan 23, 2021 02:42AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments No longer @realDonaldTrump

"This way Mr. President"
"I know the way, I was Vice-President for eight years you know."
"Yes, Sir, Sorry Sir"
"Why are all these ramps here?"
"Disability access ramps, Sir"
"I know what they are why are they here?"
"Your predecessor stated you may need them given your advancing years and so on."
"What?"
Spoken louder "YOUR PREDECESSOR.."
"Why are you shouting?"
"Your predecesso..."
"You mean Trump."
"We're not allowed to say his name Sir, we had instructions from Vice President, I mean former Vice President Pence, to not allow his name to be mentioned."
"Why were you shouting?"
"We were told you may be hard of hearing due to your ...."
"I'm not hard of hearing and I'm not in a wheelchair"
"But you are older than..."
"Enough!" They enter the famous room. "At last the Oval office."
"We decorated as you wished Sir, the busts and pictures have been changed - caused quite some commotion with your prede.."
Scowl from new President
"... I mean President Trump as he had some other busts he wanted to keep."
"Best we don't go into that."
"No Sir, his letter is on the desk."
"The one with the postmark from Moscow."
"Yes Sir, special delivery."

The President sits behind the desk and surveys the Oval Office. He scans the room with a small smile of satisfaction on his face, before his vision alights on a board on one wall.

"What's that?"
"For you Sir to help."
"Isn't that a picture of my wife?"
"Yes Sir, in case you forget."
How dare you! I know who my wife is"
"At the moment Sir, this is in case it gets worse."
"What gets worse?"
"Your dementia, Sir"
"What dementia?"
"Have you forgotten already?"
"I do not have Dementia!"
"Your predece…"
"Damn my predecessor!" Takes deep breath. "Who's the Black Lady in the photo's"
"Your VP Sir."
"I have a black female VP?"
"Yes Sir, don't you remember you were elected with her."
"The one on the capital steps?"
"Yes Sir at the inauguration."
"Didn't recognise her without her mask. Where is she?"
"Managing the Senate and drawing up your first executive orders. They should be here later this morning. She sent instructions to make sure you have your afternoon nap and I have to disconnect the hot line."
"The Moscow hot line?"
"No, Sir the Deliveroo and MacDonald fast order hotline. We missed it during your prede… Mr Trumps departure. It's that one next to the pictures of all your staff."
The President attempts to change the TV Channel"What's wrong with this TV I can't change the channel from Fox?"
"All the other channels were disabled Sir."
"Change it."
"Yes Sir"
"And get rid of this" He pulls a book from a drawer
"What is it?"
"The Dummies Guide to Tweeting…."


message 148: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments An excellent and realistic piece :)


message 149: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 12323 comments You probably heard about this: https://www.ft.com/content/356df221-2...

Fortunately, our Middle Eastern sources can provide an exclusive, behind the scenes glimpse on what’s really happening:

- Salam Alaikum, ya Sultan
- Alaikum As-Salam, who is that?
- This is your friends from the Middle East calling
- Yeah, I assumed that much as soon as I couldn’t discern a thick Russian accent. How can I help?
- The impostor suspended the sale. I bet you heard.
- Ah, that. No worries, my friend, we got it sorted.
- Really? How, aren’t you retired?
- Only on a short vacation.
- How short?
- Oh, I’ll be back. Remember that movie? After 4 years or earlier, if patriots get the Sleeping Beauty out of office. However, you probably want the planes sooner?
- Yes, we want them now.
- You need to pay double.
- Double?! That’s a robbery!
- Nothing personal, just business, my friend. Once a businessman, always a businessman. The greatest, you probably know that. You don’t want me bankrupt again, do you?
- I see what you mean, but how will I get them?
- Oh, I have them all parked here in Mar-A-Lago, you just need to pick them up.
- You do?! But they’ll prosecute you for that!
- What else is new? I’ve unbeatable papers, signed by the Real President, exonerating me from everything.
- Then, I guess, we have a deal.
- Only if you move fast. It’s either you or China. Crown Prince Hunter, who’s just joined my board says they are a reliable partner. Do you understand now why I had to raise the price? The board members’ salaries aren’t small.
- Gotcha. When should we pick the planes up?
- Hurry, I want them off my golf course, I can’t play.
- On my way
- Good boy, see you soon.


message 150: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 2448 comments A nice update - lost track of him and wondered what he's been up to the last week.


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