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The Lounge: Chat. Relax. Unwind. > One morning in the office - a satire

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message 1: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Something maybe a little humorous (if it is) and thanks to Tara for making it palatable -:) If I ever drift towards Utopian genre I might use this scene for describing imaginary countries and politicians...

- Jane!
- Yes, Mr. President, how can I help?
- Fix me a drink
- I'm sorry, sir?
- A drink you know, the glass some ice from alcohol, put it all together.
- Right, Sir, I understand, but I'm afraid I can't do that. I graduated top of my class from Harvard and fixing drinks is against our charter. Still actually take back my degree. What else can I do for you?
- Oh, a lot, but let's start with the phone calls, will you?
- Sure, according to the schedule?
- Who's on the schedule?
- Prime minister of _______
- No, let this loser sweat.
- Here, dial this number..

- Yes, hello, Mr. President? Thank you for calling, how can we help?
- I'm not gonna repay the loan.
- ...Err... sorry, what?
- You heard me. Forget about the loan.
- But, you've signed the papers, you took the money... err... this is unheard-of..
- These are fake news. I owe to the people. I don't owe you jack. I'm the president now..
- I don't know what to say...
- Good, then shut up. You know I have a strong army..
- I thought it was my army too..
- You are an idiot. It's my army. Although you are the first, I'm sure it's my worst talk today. Bye
- Jane!
- Yes, Mr. President.
- Did I tell you I liked your ..errr... Doesn't matter for now. Too bad I'm not in the beauty biz, I could make you a star.
- Thank you. Some other time. Whom do you want to speak with now?
- Get me this loser..
- Which one, Mr. President?
- This prime-minister or president or whatever the hell his name is..
- The scheduled one?
- Exactly, dial already, why so many questions?!
- Hi, Juan, right?
- Yes, Mr. President. Let me assure you that we cherish our long standing, cordial relations with you country..
- You should, but your cherishing costs me money. You gotta pay
- Pay for what, sir?
- Listen, don't you have imagination, just pay, decide for yourself what you are paying for..
- I see...
- You sound unconvinced. Remember I have a strong army...
- Yeah, that's some argument.
- Almost forgot. I don't want your Muslims in my country. My commitment is to my people.
- Muslims? We don't have any Muslims..
- Lucky you... right, you are Juan... Err... I have this Mustafa next.. Anyway, no people, you hear me? Bye, I'll send you bank details for the transfer.. "

message 2: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments you've got to stop satirizing Obama, Nik. yes he was a monster, but he's gone now- he can't antagonize any more foreign leaders. let's concentrate on the good days to come with President Trump, and have confidence that his strong moral fibre will lead him through the challenges he's sure to face.

message 3: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:)
Of course, you are right, certainly gotta leave Obama to his happy retirement and indie or trad publishing of a memoir.
The piece was inspired by Micronesian politics

message 4: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments yes, i should've known...i still shudder sometimes at night when, in the moments before sleep, i imagine the savage violence that could at any moment be unleashed by the micronesian army...

message 5: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Can only hope this gruesome scenario never happens

message 6: by Mehreen (new)

Mehreen Ahmed (mehreen2) | 1911 comments Mike wrote: "you've got to stop satirizing Obama, Nik. yes he was a monster, but he's gone now- he can't antagonize any more foreign leaders. let's concentrate on the good days to come with President Trump, and..."

Obama is not a monster. He got Osama for you.

message 7: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments It's Mike's satire on my satire, Mehreen -:)

message 8: by Mehreen (last edited Feb 04, 2017 10:06PM) (new)

Mehreen Ahmed (mehreen2) | 1911 comments Nik wrote: "It's Mike's satire on my satire, Mehreen -:)"

Oops! Sorry! Perhaps make a satire out of this too!

message 9: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments :)

message 10: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments In the spirit of the topic:

“Valdimir, how are you?”
“Good Don, Good.”
“They are asking me about the killings again.”
“Tell me which ones, I can have them removed.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“That’s what friends are for, you scratch my back I assassinate troublemakers.”
“I know, I know but please be more subtle, no plutonium this time.”
“Send me the list and sometimes we all rely on amateurs, Bash sends his regards by the way.”
“I’m not sure about Bash, he needs to tone down the rhetoric.”
“He’s a pussy really, let him have his way and he’ll play friendly.”
“Not the pussy I like.”
“We all know that, I’ve seen the films.”
“Did you have to bring that up.”

message 11: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Well picked up, Philip! -:)
I think it might be a good idea to run, so whoever feels like may add a piece
I'm also mistaking the two, but you might've meant polonium -:)

message 12: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments - Dmitri? Shto slyuchilas?
- Vladimir? It's me.
- (incredulous)...Donald?
- The one and only.
- Donald, how did you get my private number? Is middle of night in Washington.
- Now that you mention it, I guess it is. But Jared told me that means it's daytime for the Russkies. He was tired of talking, and I thought hell, my old pal Vladdy must be awake. Vlady Vlady...Bannon's here somewhere roaming the hallways, he never sleeps, but he...he gives me the creeps sometimes. I hear these...noises...from his office...
- Donald, ve are very busy here. Ve have country to run. Do you have problem?
- (sighs) They don't love me.
- (sounding bored) Who doesn't? Your children?
- The people. They hate me. Oh, Bannon and Miller try to keep me away from the opinion polls, but I know the truth. I...!
- Donald, you have critics. Is very typical situation. I say you before how you deal vith them. Just kill- very simple, nothing more. Just kill. Bang bang. Or some vay less obvious. If you vant (sound of drawers opening), I think ve have some exotic poisons around here that could do just ze...
- (muffled sobbing)
- Donald, are you crying?
- (crying openly) But they don't love me! The protests are massive! It's not just one or two journalists. There are too many to kill...!
- (incredulous) Donald, are you...drinking the wodka?
- Well, a Scotch on the rocks to be exact. A double, actually.
- I thought you abstained!
- You didn't know? You're in the KGB...or the FGB, whatever you call it, I thought you guys knew everything.
- Vell...yes, of course we knew. I was just...testing you.
- Ha, ha. Good old Vladdy. You don't trust anyone, do you?
- Ha, ha...Vell, in my business you learn...howdoyousay...ze hard vay, yes?
- Ha, ha...(slurring words)...that's what I like about you, Vladdy. You crafty Russian!
- (to himself) God, he is drunk. I don't have ze time for zis. (into receiver) Listen, Donald-
- (suddenly, almost preternaturally composed) I'll make them love me, Vladimir. That's what Bannon says. We egg on the protests, he says, let them get bigger and more disruptive. Encourage violence among the protestors, give us an excuse to bring in the National Guard. And then-- we make Tiananmen look like a walk in the park. (long pause) They'll learn to love me, my Russian friend. Like your people love you. And if they won't love me, I'll make them fear me. Oh, yes. Like children learn to fear a father who imposes strong discipline...Vlad?
- Vell...zat is quite ze plan, Donald. Cunning and brutal at ze same time. I...could not have thought of it any better myself.
- (bursts into tears) It will never work! They'll hate me even more...!
- Donald, listen. You do know zat every phone call I receive is recorded automatically, don't you?
- (suddenly alert) Oh?
- Yes, and so...about ze sanctions, yes?
- What about them?
- Ve erase them as soon as possible, yes? Also, as we discussed, you talk to our Saudi Arabian friends about the price of oil, da? It would be a shame, after all, for ze American people to find out about such a clever plan before implementation, yes?
- (long pause) Goddamn you cunning Russki bastard, Vlad. Always one step ahead. You know, I almost admire you.
- The Russian Federation thanks you for your loyalty, Donald. And oh, by ze vay, please tell Rex to contact me. He knows how.
- Rex?
- Yes. Ve have business to discuss. Good night, Donald. And remember- be a man. Moscow does not believe in tears.

message 13: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:)

message 14: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -Jane!
-What is it, Sir?
- Are you a boy or a girl?
- What??
- Didn't you hear about my dress code here? I'm coming from the angle of fashion, baby, and I say: No Pants! Skirt, dress, bikini, nothing, but no pants!
-OK. Do you want to go over the list of candidates for an interview?
- Sure, shoot.
-Here are the applicants. The first one is Ken?
- Alice?
- Good
- Mark?
- Nah
- Shelby?
- Is it random that you want to interview only female candidates?
- You are so smart! Of course, it's random.
-Should I call them in then?
- No, tell them to wait for me in the pool
- Huh?
- But of course. You know when they come to an interview with the president, they must be so strained. Let them relax a bit. I am a feminist, Jane, despite what these bad people say about me. Do you see how the pool is a much better place to hold interviews?
-I think I do now
- Besides, shouldn't the president be intimately familiar with his people?
- Right...
- Ah, and dial Vladislav. I haven't spoken with him for more than 5 minutes...
- Who's Vladislav?
- You really don't understand conspiracy, do you? Or maybe I've just come up with an excellent disguise!
- I think I start to understand.
- Good, then get him on the line.

- Hello, Mr. President
- Hello to you too, Mr. New President. Good that you are calling, just wanted to tell you that I solved the crisis with Arabs.
- You did? Fast and furious you are, my friend.
- Do you wanna know how?
- Dying to.
- I'm gonna be the president there too
- You what?!
- Yeah, you know, we have all those similar letters in the country name: 'r', 's', 'i', 'a', don't you see?
- Now that you mention it..
- I'm a president of one country for almost 20 years now, don't we need to promote careers? Can't I be a double-president? I feel fit..
- I guess you are, my friend.
- What about them?
- Who?
- You know, those I don't like to mention even... locals... Muslims..
- Irrelevant, who cares? My TV tomorrow will report 90% support...
- Right... I should learn from you...
- Indeed. By the way, I have an idea for you too, if you decide to grow at some stage..
- Idea? Terrific, what is it?
- Look for the word 'united', when you think one-country president becomes boring..

message 15: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments hahaha, "double-president"...why not?

message 16: by Mehreen (new)

Mehreen Ahmed (mehreen2) | 1911 comments Mike wrote: ":)"

Your comment on Obama above sounded more like a lampoon, I'm afraid.

message 17: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments "Come in Mike how are ya?"
"Not good, the Post has got a leak?"
"Which post. you mean tap surely?" (Avoid joke don't call me Shirley)
"The Washington Post."
"Oh that rag , what have they got?"
"They know what Justice told you three weeks ago."
"I fired her."
"I know but its not enough."
"Why not?"
"I told the Vice Pres I didn't discuss sanctions."
"Who with?"
"Vlad's man over here."
"That's okay then."
"But I did."
"Did what?"
"Discuss sanctions with the Russian Ambassador."
"So what?"
"Its against the law."
"Damn judges why are they all picking on me."
"No Mr. President I told the Vice President I didn't discuss them and he told the press but now Justice knows I did and they told your office who probably told you but you didn't say anything apart from the spokespeople who did say you have every confidence. and now its leaked."
"The Tap?"
"No Sir. You need to do something either say you have confidence or I need to resign."
"Confidence in what?"
"Well it looks like you failed so you're fired, but where are the other potential apprentices."
"Sir you're not on TV you're the President."
"I know and the chief exec I can do what I want. Got some more exec orders lined up. Steve told me I can do what I want."
"Yes Sir you can."

message 18: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:)
Very fast reaction!

message 19: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments haiku:

crazy michael flynn
stop talking to the kremlin
or you lose your job

message 20: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments Philip wrote: ""Come in Mike how are ya?"
"Not good, the Post has got a leak?"
"Which post. you mean tap surely?" (Avoid joke don't call me Shirley)
"The Washington Post."
"Oh that rag , what have they got?"

hahaha. sounds pretty accurate...

message 21: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments - Jane!
- Yes, Mr. President
- Who's that on the line? Some bad guy? I don't understand what he wants.
- Please, put your earphones on, you'll hear a translation. That's the president of Ukraine, he's probably speaking Ukrainian.
- Are you sure? Haven't my friend Vlad purchased or conquered or whatever this land plot?
- Well, you might want to hear it from him. His name is Petro.


- Hey, Petro, what is that that you want?
- Mr. President, our peninsula was taken, insurgents in Eastern part of the country...
- Really? That costs money. Are you gonna pay?
- We are bankrupt, Mr. President... Economy devastated by the war, there was a huge devaluation of bribes. My people complain there is not much left to embezzle even...
- Huh, bankrupt? Nice trick, I know it - don't tell me you don't have the money. You gonna pay!
- Of course, was just about to offer. But could you please tell Vlad to leave us alone first?
- No, I'll send you the price-list.. A down- payment first..
- Wait...


- What is it, Jane, why do you interrupt me when I'm talking about the money?
- It's Bibi, he's here.
- Ah, my friend Bibi?! Tell him to come in. Here give him this box of cigars and champagne for Sara.
- But the phone line is still open...
- Didn't you see The Sum of All Fears? Let's leave the channels open and see how persistent they are, so I'll decide on the price...


- Bibi, my friend is that you? What brings you here?
- Just passing by and thought you might have a puff for me, don't you?
- Yes, of course, that's the backbone of our unbreakable tie. What about Palestinians, by the way? Seen them around anywhere?
- Who? Ahhh, you mean those people that complain and do terror.. Don't you ask Abu Mazen about them?
- Nah... Not that important.
- If you already mentioning it, just wanted to ask you something: did you hear about this two-state solution?
- From your speech and policy, Bibi? Yeah, quite interesting..
- Would you mind if it were a one-state or a zero-state?
- Whatever you want, my friend, I'm not into mathematics. Let's do biz.
- But of course - a deal!
- Yeah, a deal!
- What will it be about?
- The money! I say - about the money..
- You are a dear friend, Bibi...


- Hey, Jane, remember not to hang up. There should be some president on the line...

message 22: by Philip (last edited Feb 16, 2017 02:48AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Mike wrote: "Philip wrote: ""Come in Mike how are ya?"
"Not good, the Post has got a leak?"
"Which post. you mean tap surely?" (Avoid joke don't call me Shirley)
"The Washington Post."
"Oh that rag , what have ..."

LOL - gonna have to work harder on my ones now - don't you know I have books to write and only limited creative brain cells.

message 23: by Mike (last edited Feb 17, 2017 07:49AM) (new)

Mike | 181 comments - Ivanka?
- ...Not. Do not be afraid, Donald. She is in safe place...
- Son of a...! Who is this? What have you...? (long pause) Vladdy?
- (bursts out laughing)
- You almost had me. Almost.
- I could not resist it, Donald. Ah ha, ha ha...
- Ha ha, had me going there. But I guess you've noticed we've had a few eventful days here in Washington.
- Indeed. Gespadin Flynn...not one of our brightest stars, eh?
- He was loyal. That's something I always remember about people, Vladdy. Loyalty. But I've been thinking about what you said the last time, and now that Flynn's gone...
- Hmm, yes. About zat, Donald...
- ...?
- You must not release ze sanctions.
- But you told me last time that was what you wanted! I already talked to Rex...
- Donald, let me say you ze story. How do you say in English? Once upon ze times, yes? Once upon ze times, zer was man who acquired great power. Perhaps even greater zan his own considerable ego ever even imagined. He spoke to great rallies of people. Both loved and hated, yes, but most of all...spoken of. Talked about. Dreamed about. Feared. In ze mind, one way or ze ozer, of every serious person on ze planet. And to his followers, his vords seemed to echo ze music of zer own souls.
- (pleased, despite himself) Go on...
- ...And zen one vas all gone.
- No! It wasn't! (agonized pause)...Why?
- (indescribably composed) Indeed. Because, he vas, colluding...vith ze Russians. Don't you understand it, Donald? Now you must to be strong about us, about Russia. Even say me somezing bad in public...
- Like what?
- Anything vill do. "Vladimir is authoritarian despot who oppresses own people. Human rights violations, Crimea, blah-blah-blah" know, like zis.
- ...Will that work?
- You can sell it, Donald. I thought it vas zat you can sell anything. Now you sell your newspapers ze man zey desperately vant to believe you are. (laughter) It is ze...ze art of ze deal, no?
- I can sell it better than you can imagine. But just so I follow you, you want us to maintain sanctions now?
- Vell...for now. Until...ze time is ripe, as you Americans say, da? And your press forgets all about zis unfortunate "Russia business", and zis...ha, ha... "Russophobia", ve can call it...and zen you vill...
- Will I? Careful, Vladdy. I don't like being spoken to like that.
- Apologies Donald, but yes you vill. Or have you forgotten...ZE VIDEO?
- The uh, the what now?
- You know vhat video. But perhaps I can help you to jog ze memory, yes? Moscow hotel room? Pleasant female company? Routine for many esteemed foreigners, yes, but ze insatiable desire...ze unspeakable perversion...ze bestial embrace of sensuality, as an end to itself...I never saw a thing like it, not even from Russian man. I can only imagine vhat American people vould think to see zeir dear leader engaging in...
- (sounding bored) I thought that was just fake news.
- ...You vhat?
- You know. The lying liberal media, like failing CNN and the failing New York Times, like to make up lies about me.
- Yes, konyeshna- I mean of course, but surely you remember zis...
- Nope, sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
- Zis...zis is ridiculous.
- What is?
- Blackmail...blackmail does not vork if ze one being...if ze object of ze blackmail does not remember...does not understand zat...!
- Sorry Vlad, not my problem.
- Perhaps we send you electronic communication on secure channel...zen we jog your memory, no?
- Sorry Vlad, don't use e-mail. Come up with some real blackmail, not fake blackmail, then we'll talk.
- Donald...
- Look, Vlad, I don't doubt that you have some video of me cavorting or sensualizing or whatever. It's just that...well, gee, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, you crafty GFB agent...but it's's just that there are so many videos.
- (incredulous)...Vhat?
- Vlad, I was an international businessman for many years. Stayed in the best hotels. Had access to every foreign government's...err, "hospitality." Do you really believe that you're the only foreign government that's ever taped me sensualizing or whatever you claim I was doing?
- ...
- I've been to China, Japan, Latin America...I've even partied with the Saudi Arabian princes! You think their video doesn't make your video look like child's play? I can't just go willy-nilly submitting to your blackmail that might conflict with theirs. I've got to see who has the best blackmail, you know? It's the art...
- (sound of head hitting a desk) ...of ze deal.
- Ha, ha! You've always been quick on the uptake, Vladdy. But listen, I'll do you a favor. Send your blackmail video- get in touch with Bannon- and I'll take a look at it and we'll talk. No promises, though.
- ...
- Listen Vladdy, nice talking as always, but Fox & Friends is on in a few minutes. Before I go, what do you think about this Kim Jong whatever his name is murdering his own brother, eh? Hell of a thing, isn't it?
- By our modern standards, perhaps. But in 17th, 16th centuries and before? Take for example, in your history books I think he is called "Dangerous Ivan", da? Or look at Romanov empire. Peter ze Great, his own son, he...vait, Donald, don't change the subject!
- Sorry, Vladdy. Gotta go. And by the way, if you can, set me up in that Moscow hotel for my next visit. You know- the presidential suite the Obamas stayed in? Thanks. I felt right at home last time.

message 24: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments I guess an interview with urinating Lyudmila should be coming next -:)

message 25: by Mike (new)

Mike | 181 comments haha, i don't know if i'm brave enough to tackle that.

message 26: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:) A task for titans

message 27: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments "Sweden, why Sweden?"
"I'd been watching the news on Fox..."
"An oxymoron..."
"Who you calling a moron?"
"Never mind, their ambassador is going nuts"
"He'll get over it"
"We had to apologise, not in public of course."
"Why apologise?"
"Because it wasn't true there was no incident in Sweden."
"That's not what I meant."
"It's what you said."
"I meant to say crime was up due to all the refugees."
"But isn't"
"Fox said it was."
"What did I say about morons. You should have checked with your National Security...Damn."
"Florida was nice and warm do I have to stay in Washington in the cold? Ivanka wants to go to the Caribbean."
"Mr. President you can't visit foreign countries just when you feel like it."
"You mean the Caribbean ain't American? I'm sure I saw something about US ownership and visitors."
"That was New Mexico."
"We're gonna build that wall."
"New Mexico is a State Mr. President."
"They can call it anything they want but them illegals is going back."

message 28: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments - :)

- Call CIA, Homeland, who else do we have? - army, mafia, Rex, Fed reserve, everyone into my office!
- What happened, Mr. President?!
- It's about Sweden.
- ???
- Yeah, my news can't be fake
- Right...
- I need 5 terrorist acts, 7 grave crimes and a few women
- What: harassed, abused?
- No, just bring them here. I like those blondes..

message 29: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments "Mr President what are you doing?"
"Amending the amended immigration ban"
"But that makes no sense."
"That's what the judge said, but I've got it covered now."
"But there is no immigration from Earth sized planets tens of light years away or further for that matter."
"Well I got it covered, no aliens period."
"But Sir, aliens legally means any immigrant."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Sir, have you spoken to any lawyers recently?"
"Yeah loads."
"Have you listened to any of them?"
"Why would I do that? Anyway we need to up anti-alien defence spending. Keep America safe, you know the drill."
"From aliens?"
"Damn right."

message 30: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:)

message 31: by Philip (last edited Feb 23, 2017 11:25AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments "Hey Rex!"
"Mr. President?"
"What did they say?"
"They're not happy."
"They understand you sending back illegal Mexican immigrants but not the rest."
"They all came from Mexico that's why we need a wall which they are going to pay for."
"They pointed out that maybe some of the illegals were not Mexican and therefore would be illegals in Mexico and therefore want reciprocal rights to deport any non-Mexicans entering Mexico back to the USA."
"Sounds reasonable."
"That's why I'm on the plane."
"They deported me, something about incorrect visas and demonstrating intent. I'm with a bunch of college students deported for underage American drinking in Cancun. Some of those are Canadian so we'll have to deport them back to Canada as well."
"Damn it, I need another revision to the immigration executive order."

message 32: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments If one can reasonably rely on deporting, why to buy a return ticket? Deporting may be just a new 'low cost'. Anticipating low cost airlines losing competition, crumbling, taking other industries with them and launching the world into the worst (again) financial crisis

message 33: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Ring ring ring
"Please press 1 for current orders, two for new orders three for accounts and four for any other reason"
"Rex, is this a new order, I thought we tried to order this last week."
"The web site crashed."
"I better select two then."
Twenty minutes later....
"Customer Service, Blanche speaking how can I help you today we have special offers on roofing and nails for details please see..."
Five minutes later
"How can I help?"
"I'd like to order some bricks"
"No problem, Sir, we can do that or you can try on-line"
"I couldn't get the site to accept my order."
"Sorry about that Sir, I just need to go through a few details."
"Well I don't have much time."
"It won't take long. Have you ordered from us before."
"No, I don't think so."
"All our bricks are baked in America and conform to EPA standards."
"Good to see American jobs for American people for America let's make it great again."
"Quite. What are the bricks for?"
"A wall."
"Is that a supporting wall, a building wall or a garden wall?"
"There's a difference?"
"Oh yes they have different properties a building wall might be external facing or interior"
"I think it's closest to a garden wall a barrier really."
"I see, well we have some basic standard bricks they are 3 and 5/8 by 2 and 1/4 by 8 inches."
"Yeah I saw that on the web site."
"So how high is your wall going to be?"
"Twenty feet."
"Wow, that's a big garden wall."
"Yep, gonna keep them bad dudes out."
"Are you in a high crime area? Can I interest you in our razor wire or intrusion detection systems."
"Just the bricks for now."
"So you'll need at least 120 rows depending on foundations."
"Yes you'll need to dig down to make sure the wall has solid foundations. You can do that with concrete. It also prevents varmints digging under the wall."
"People can tunnel under?"
"Normally its raccoons or other pests."
"What about Mexicans?"
"Sir, no racist profiling please or I'll have to call my supervisor. A wall with good foundations can prevent some tunneling but how deep do you want to go?"
Mumbled "Do it with mines or concrete."
"I think concrete would be a good idea. We can supply that as well."
"Stick to the bricks."
"So how long is your wall going to be?"
"Wow that is big. So we have 1900 feet which is 2850 bricks by 120 high which is 342,000 which is 684 pallets of 500 call it 700 for spares.
"Mr President..."
"Not now Rex."
"We discount orders over 50 pallets so I make that 700 at $200 bucks that would be $140,000 that would make my day Sir if you go ahead. I might be able to get an extra 5% off or free delivery. What's the delivery address?
"Er lets start in San Diego."
"OK do you have a zip?"
"Mr President it's 1900 miles not feet?"
"What did you say Rex?"
"Miles Sir not 1,900 feet."
"Oh, sorry Ma'am I got the length wrong it's 1900 miles."
"No problem I'll just stick that in the systems..."
Very long pause
"That's 15,048,000 bricks long by 120 high that's.."
"A lot."
"1,805,760,000 er I think you may be pulling my leg."
"No I'm serious I promised to build it and I'm going to."
"Sir the entire US Brick production last year was only about 2 billion bricks"
"Is that not enough? I always get confused between billions and millions."
"That explains the tax returns."
"Shut up Rex."

message 34: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:) Had to do a lot of math for that piece, I imagine

message 35: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Nik wrote: "-:) Had to do a lot of math for that piece, I imagine"

Calculators are handy - also just to let you know I blogged it too - with a link back to here so already had some Twitter led hits

message 36: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Cool!
We'll help them with the rating, they'll help us with fresh materials - reciprocal enough

message 37: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments - Reince
- Yes, Sir
- Have you called FBI?
- Of course, Sir. Haven't you seen the news?
- There are some bad guys there.
- No shit, Sir. They helped us with Clinton, but they are not our boys.
- Tell me, Reince, what is this: I'm the President, but some judges and cops just overrule, defy me. Who do they think they are? Don't they want America great again?
- (string of curses)
- So, FBI is not directly subordinate to me is it?
- No, Sir, unfortunately.
- Should I send the army to wipe them out then?
- That's an option, a good idea, I like it! Let's consult Bannon.
- I have another one.
- You are brilliant, Sir. What is it?
- Call Kremlin, ask them to tell FBI to refute the connections with Russia, they seem to get things done in this country.

message 38: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments I can't write this quick to keep up

message 39: by Philip (last edited Feb 25, 2017 01:38AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments "Sean"
"Mr President."
"Good press conference"
"I thought so to."
"Why no questions though?"
"That would have been difficult."
"Well Sir I followed your instructions about fake news."
"Good so you banned all the organisations that have written a story that was not true."
"Yes Sir."
"There's no one left."
"No one?"
"No one?"
"So how are the American people going to hear about all the great things I've been doing?"
"I've lined up some replacements they'll be here in the morning if we can get them an exemption."
"Oh good, what exemption?"
"They're due in school so we need permission to take them out of class and bring them in."
"Understandable which college, Yale, Standford?"
"No Mr President we have representatives from Washington Kindergarten Grade 1."
"Will they be positive?"
"As long as they have a choice of colours with the crayons they have asked us to supply."

message 40: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments -:)

message 41: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments CNN & NYT are out, right?

message 42: by Philip (last edited Feb 25, 2017 01:57AM) (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Yes, and BBC, Daily Mail, Guardian several others - to be fair it was a change to the normal press briefing into an informal gaggle that they were excluded from but NYT and CNN said they had not been excluded from gaggle before.

message 43: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments - Yes, Mike?
-Mr. President, we've got him, this British spook that told about your piss in Moscow hotel!
- It wasn't mine, it was the girls'!
- What do you mean: it really happened?
- .. Err ... No, but I enjoyed the tape Vlad had sent me. Of course, it's fake. It's from some Moscow studios
- I see, sorry, Mr. President.
- So what does the spook say?
- O, sadly, he persists in his lying...
- Mike, you don't know how to talk to very, very bad guys. I suspect he's a Mexican Muslim, very dangerous, send him to Guantanamo and ask Vlad to demolish that damn hotel, I need a place for Trump tower in Moscow..
-Will do, Mr. President

message 44: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Got to do one on the AG having his secret meetings with the Russian Ambassador now. Will he last the week?

message 45: by Nik (last edited Mar 02, 2017 12:39AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Hard to tell, yeah, read the headlines this morning...
What amuses me though, that the ambassador is there ... to meet folks. That's what embassies are for. Also, every foreign dignitary arriving during election times usually pointedly meets with both camps, just to preserve non-interference in domestic politics.
Hillary, as a former secretary of state, might've met more foreigners than fellow Americans -:)
Obama right after retirement went to spend a few days at Spanish ambassador's villa, right?
Not sure Trump and his people are treated fairly on this account.
Moreover, it might be deliberately targeted against better relation between US and Russia...
Just saying that meeting folks per se and even not disclosing the contents of the meeting is probably OK. It's conspiring about something or lying about them may be problematic..
But let's see what an investigation will uncover.

message 46: by Nik (last edited Mar 02, 2017 12:45AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments For something a bit lighter:
- Barack!
- Yes, Donald. Not glad to hear you, but how can I help?
- You can't, you made America small. Actually, yes, you can: please, remind me what else have you done or enacted, so I can cancel. I'm running out of ideas and I still have almost 4 years to suffer...
- You are asking me things from five years ago.. I think you've tackled already most of my deeds. Maybe a renovation of an Oval office?
- Was that you?! Alright I'll make it quadratic.. Anything else, buddy?
- Nah, if I recall, I'll put it in the memoir, I can offer you a 10% discount when it's ready.
- 20% and we have a deal
- How about a game of golf. The winner gets it.
- You rightly assume, you can't win. Come to Mar-o-Lago, old boy, I'll tell the guards you have a visa...

message 47: by Philip (new)

Philip (phenweb) | 0 comments Nik wrote: "Hard to tell, yeah, read the headlines this morning...
What amuses me though, that the ambassador is there ... to meet folks. That's what embassies are for. Also, every foreign dignitary arriving d..."

As a Senator and on the committee yes he should have been meeting ambassadors and did. As a member of Trump's campaign team he needs to be more careful - the private citizen rule, but he was still a serving senator so OK.
As Attorney General designate during a confirmation hearing stating I did not meet any Russians is simply lying under oath - perjury - and should be dealt with accordingly. As usual its the cover up not the act. No difference hear I can see with the previous NSA.
I was thinking of turning it all into a novel but I'd be accused of writing a fairy story.

message 48: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments Philip wrote: "I'd be accused of writing a fairy story"

Not the worst accusation and those have market.
Or maybe a script for a parody talk show?

message 49: by Joanne (new)

Joanne Philip wrote: ""Come in Mike how are ya?"
"Not good, the Post has got a leak?"
"Which post. you mean tap surely?" (Avoid joke don't call me Shirley)
"The Washington Post."
"Oh that rag , what have they got?"
Love the last part about the apprentice!

message 50: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 14966 comments - Barack!
- Yes, Don, why are you calling so early?
- I'm not calling, smart guy, I'm speaking through the mike in Trump's tower.
- Err... Um... Who connected it to my phone then?
- It couldn't be you. Must be Russians, my friend, you know...
- Of course, I couldn't... It's interesting sometimes to .. err.. know.. Angela, for example, had some witty stuff going. No regrets about tapping her telephone.. Francois wasn't as interesting..
- I see. Haven't you become a little excited with those voices?
-Excited? It's not me, I'm not empowered, I'm only briefed and provided transcripts...

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