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message 1: by lorien (new)

lorien Hello everybody! I'd love any feedback or criticism you guys have to offer on my stories so please do not hold anything back and honestly tell me what you thought of the chapter or section. Thank you and I may post some of my other stories on this thread as well. Thank you once again! ^.^

The Search for Alexandrite
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...


message 2: by Sharla (last edited Feb 01, 2017 08:39AM) (new)

Sharla (thehonestavocado) | 5 comments "Ruby just couldn't stand the thought of being restricted from seeing the beautiful statue and longer.
So she picks up blue skirts and opens the door with a slight twitch from her wrist. "


There is a problem with the tenses changing here, and in a couple of other parts. You went from "couldn't stand" past tense to "she picks up" present tense- describing action in the moment. To make it match would need to change "couldn't stand" to "can't stand" etc. This is something I really struggle with in my own writing, it's hard to pick up if you can't read the story objectively.
I love the conversational tone, I enjoy feeling more connected to the narrator.

"Ah, but sometimes the simplest stones to carve, are the most difficult to make,"
This line feels like it will lead to a larger theme. It's intriguing, definitely interested to see how that plays into the rest of the story.


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