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Before You Publish > Blurb Help

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message 1: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 4626 comments Hi everyone, I'm after a bit of help if you can spare the time.

Having read the wonderful article by Justin I have been playing with the blurb for my novel in the hopes of making it better and having it drive more sales. I have come up with a new blurb but I would like it if you could aid me in sharpening it up and make it as good as it can be. Thanks in advance.

Current Blurb
An armed robbery, a kidnapping, and an enemy that's closer than anyone realises.

A rich family, a big house, and everything her heart desires, Alice Keating has a life that many want, and now someone has decided to take it.
Inspector Stone has to put aside problems at home and an ambitious underling when Alice is kidnapped, and a multi-million Euro ransom demanded for her return.
Can he find her and return her safely to her parents when the man behind Alice’s kidnapping it closer to home than anyone suspects, and he’s not above murder to stay out of jail and get what he wants.

New Blurb
A kidnapped teen, held who knows where.

3.5 million Euros demanded in ransom, but is that all the kidnappers want?

DI Stone's first kidnapping could not be more difficult. Not only does he have to juggle family problems and the machinations of an ambitious underling, he has a second case, an armed robbery, to investigate at the same time as Alice's abduction; throw in the suggestion that the Russian Mafia could be involved and Stone has his hands full.

Unknown to either Stone or Alice's parents, the kidnappers have more in mind than collecting a ransom.

A Luddite at heart, can Stone overcome his struggles with technology to find Alice before the ransom can be paid, and before the kidnappers can make good on their threats.

Waiting in anticipation.


Ariel C (missarielc) | 10 comments Hi Alex,

I prefer the new blurb.
But I love this text as a front cover tagline- a kidnapping, an armed robbery and an enemy closer than anyone realises.

You might want to split the longest sentence beginning with "Not only does he have to juggle family problems" into two or three shorter sentences.

Maybe you might want to edit the final line?
Something along the lines of- A Luddite at heart, can Stone overcome his struggles with technology, find Alice before the ransom is paid, and halt the kidnappers reign of terror.


message 3: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 4626 comments Thanks Ariel, I'm now trying to think of how best to split that sentence without losing the information.

How about this?

In between juggling family problems and the machinations of an ambitious underling, he has an armed robbery to investigate. Throw in the suggestion that the Russian Mafia could be involved in Alice Keating's abduction and Stone has his hands full.


Ariel C (missarielc) | 10 comments Sounds great!
How about adding "also" to 1st sentence and "very" to 2nd sentence.

In between juggling family problems and the machinations of an ambitious underling, he also has an armed robbery to investigate.

Throw in the suggestion that the Russian Mafia could be involved in Alice Keating's abduction and Stone has his hands very full.


message 5: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 4626 comments Nice, thanks, I feel better about this blurb already.


message 6: by Aislinn (new) - added it

Aislinn | 312 comments Hey Alex! I think you have the right idea. I changed it up slightly, just as a suggestion, but feel free to ignore. I thought it was pretty good as is!

A kidnapped teen, held who knows where. 3.5 million Euros are demanded in ransom, but is that all the kidnappers want?

DI Stone is tasked with finding the girl and bringing her home safely. Hard enough under normal circumstances, but between investigating an unrelated armed robbery, family problems and the machinations of an ambitious underling, it's almost impossible. When it turns out that the Russian Mafia might be involved in the kidnapping, things begin to spiral out of Stone's control.

Unknown to either Stone or Alice's parents, the kidnappers have more in mind than collecting a ransom.

Stone needs to find Alice before the ransom can be paid and the kidnappers can make good on their threats. Or it won't just be Alice that becomes a victim to their deadly plans...

(I took out the line about him being a Luddite. I didn't really feel that increased the tension levels right at the end there, when you want to hook readers. If you feel it's really important, maybe put it back up in that second paragraph? Also, I thought you might want a really good hook at the end there. I just made that one up, but feel free to change it to something more appropriate.)


message 7: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 4626 comments That's really good Aislinn, thanks, those changes really do make a difference.
I'll give it a bit longer to see if anyone else responds and then I'll put the new blurb up.


Alexis | 861 comments I think some people might think; "What's a DI?"


message 9: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 4626 comments Alexis wrote: "I think some people might think; "What's a DI?""

I can change that to Inspector easily enough, thanks for pointing that out.


Alexis | 861 comments "between investigating an unrelated armed robbery,"

I'd leave out "unrelated" since you already specified that he was dealing with a kidnapping. I don't think the word is needed.

Sorry for doing this bits by bits, I'm operating in four hours of sleep, LOL.


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