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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Blurb feedback - NA fantasy/romance

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message 1: by Kayli (new)

Kayli Schaaf | 11 comments Looking for some feedback on the below... interesting, not interesting? Worth adding in her new love interest, and if so, how would you recommend doing it? I would rather write 5,000 words a day than write this.



Ellie has always known she’s gifted. She lives in a world where Readers can pick up on the emotions of those around them. Manipulators can subconsciously control others, even against their will. Growers have an affinity for the natural world, and can turn even the most desiccated garden into a farmer’s bounty. The Lucky only to have concentrate to turn things their way.

But Ellie is different. She is able to block others from reading her. She isn’t susceptible to manipulation. When overwhelmed, she can sink into the minds of others, gaining access to their memories, even their fantasies. In spite of that, Ellie thinks she has it all—a highly regarded family, an ambitious fiancé, and a bright future—until her fiancé’s ugly desire for power becomes clear and she fears for her own safety.

Knowing only that the things she can do shouldn’t be possible, she escapes to Inwood University to learn more about her unexpected abilities. Keeping a low profile is crucial to Ellie’s safety, but she quickly discovers that hiding out is more difficult than she anticipated. When she finds a few unexpected allies, she learns that she’s not as unusual as she thought. This leaves Ellie in a quandary—she has allies in a time when she sorely needs them, but she has to decide how much of her past she’s willing to divulge, and whose safety she’s willing to risk, to find out the truth about her skills.


message 2: by Cimone (new)

Cimone Watson | 93 comments I think you spend too many sentences on the set up (the description of how things are before the main conflict arises.


message 3: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments These things suck, that's for sure. However, there is somewhat of a formula for them, just like there is for writing in general. Your blurb should follow the three act format, except you don't do the reveal at the end. The first 'act' is the setup (one paragraph, 2-3 sentences), the second act describes the main character's goals and obstacles (another 2-3 sentences) and the final portion is the hook to draw the reader in, often written as a series of questions. There are endless variations, but if you keep this structure in mind it may help when you think about what needs to stay and what should go.

Traditionally you have 100-150 words to convey all this and, as daunting as that sounds, I think it just takes some practice. I suggest practicing on others (that's what I've been doing here), there are a number of threads here exactly like yours. Distilling your novel down to 100 words AND making it exciting and enticing is certainly a challenge, but take a look at what other people have struggled with and hopefully that will give you some inspiration.

Here is my stab at a blurb based on what you've written. Feel free to take as much (or as little) as you like.


Ellie lives in a world where people can exert influence with just their thoughts. She's unique in that she can resist other people's influence while enacting her own.

Ellie grows up thinking she has it all: a highly regarded family, an ambitious fiancé, and a bright future. That is, until her fiancé’s ugly desire for power leads him to try and use her as a weapon. Ellie runs away to a University where she hopes to learn more about her abilities.

Can Ellie protect the friends she forms at Uni? Simply revealing her past may drive them away, yet she needs them to understand it to help her. Will her revelation drive them away just when she needs them most?


123 words vs yours at 253.

Good luck with it!


message 4: by Kayli (new)

Kayli Schaaf | 11 comments Keith wrote: "These things suck, that's for sure. However, there is somewhat of a formula for them, just like there is for writing in general. Your blurb should follow the three act format, except you don't do t..."

Better? Worse? 153 words.

Ellie Inwood lives in a world where people can exert influence using nothing but their minds. She’s a Reader, able to pick emotions out of the minds of people around her, but she’s got a secret—Ellie is different. Other skills do not work on her.

In spite of that, she thinks she has it all: a highly regarded family, an ambitious fiancé, and a bright future. That is, until her fiancé’s ugly desire for power leads him to try and use her as a weapon. Ellie flees to a university to learn more about her skills and to stay hidden from her fiance.

She wants nothing more than to stay under the radar, but new friends are not easily swayed to stay away. She fears for herself and for them, but she soon discovers she’s much more than the Reader she thought she was, and she’s not the one who should be afraid.


message 5: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments The ending is little ominous, which I like. It implies Ellie might not be so nice after all. Of course, if that's not what you're going for, something to keep in mind.

I don't get what you are trying to say with "She wants nothing more than to stay under the radar, but new friends are not easily swayed to stay away." Are you saying people are becoming her friends despite her interest?

"In spite of that' seems to add no value, at least within the current blurb context. Perhaps just lead with 'She thinks she has it all'

I think a sentence break before "but she has a secret".

Overall, I think it's better, but then I might be (probably am) biased since you are using my attempt as a model ;-)


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