THIRD REVISION in comments: Query Readers Needed: Contemporary Romance with Speculative Elements

[Kat]

Thanks, Keith. That's really good perspective. I'm gonna let all of this feedback simmer for a little while, take another look at my story, and peruse more query threads. On top of everything else, I have beta reader feedback on the actual book to deal with. And this is supposed to be my hobby! :/

Thanks Leland. I think that one thing that's tricky with romance is to make the stakes matter and show how they do in a way that's not trite--will she lose her true love, yawn been done 1000x. It's a relationship, not life or death. But I know this can be done.

I've read the QS archives, though I may take another look as well as peruse more of the threads here.

[Roughseasinthemed]

There are some great query response threads on here. Not sure why people don't browse them. There are some gems. But do come back if you have more questions, want fine-tuning :)

[Kat]

Hey friends,

The overall consensus is that the hook works, so I may do a little final pruning but I'll probably keep something very close to what's there.

I'm looking for input on the two middle paragraphs. Do you clearly see the obstacles and stakes?

Thank you. You guys rock.

Dear Agent,

Helen has a shroom-induced voice in her head and a dating history of epic fails. She uses her wonky mystic’s brain to cast a love spell to make the universe pony up her soul mate.

Enter Brian, famous rock star. They hit it off. Magic is awesome. Except no. Helen had that fidelity-challenged rocker ex, so she panics and rejects Brian. He soothes her misgivings, but the problems don’t end. Career-focused Brian withdraws emotionally and starts acting secretive. Helen does a dowsing spell in an effort to feel empowered and it nearly kills her—alienating Brian further.

Helen appears doomed to sabotage her own happiness, and the magic’s not helping. The choice is Helen’s. She can protect her heart and become a weird old lady with an annoying head passenger for a significant other, or risk a ruinous heartbreak on a man she loves but struggles to trust.

MAGICAL THINKING is a 100,000 word upmarket contemporary romance with speculative elements. It reads like Jessica Topper’s Louder than Love meets Tiffanie DeBartolo’s How to Kill a Rock Star—but with a sprinkle of magic. I work as a literacy tutor, and I’m an active RWA member. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Keith]

I'm seeing a completely different story now!

For me this: "Magic is awesome. Except no." reads awkward. I think I get what you are trying to convey, but I bumped over it.

I think the end reads better as a series questions:

Is Helen doomed to sabotage her own happiness? Will she wind up as just another weird old lady with voices in her head? Can she learn to trust and allow herself to risk heartbreak once again?

[Kat]

The questions could be cool. Thank you.