NA query needs critique

[Raquel]

Hi, I'd like an honest critique of my query letter. I already sent it out to some agents but got rejected.

Dear Agent,
Aven’s dreams are too big for her small town in Oklahoma, but when she moves to New York, she begins to question who she is and everything she ever wanted. Though quitting her job as a nursing assistant and giving up her scholarship in med school isn’t an option. The day she meets Jeremy, a handsome street musician who plays at Central Park and captivates her with his music, everything changes. He is brave, confident and passionate about his dreams and he stirs achingly feelings in Aven. But love was never part of her plans. So when Jeremy offers Aven the possibility to explore the city together, she accepts, but not before drawing a clear line between them.

Jeremy knows what he wants from his life−play guitar, sing and be the owner of his destiny and although this cost him everything he had, he regrets nothing. Anything that ignites a spark in you is worth fighting for. So when lonely lost Aven enters his life and his new songs are not inspired by heartbreak and deception but hope, he’s sure he wants her to be part of his future even though he knows her love won’t come easy.

As they experience the city together, struggling with their growing attraction, they realize their stories are not so different. But this connection they share could tear them apart if Aven doesn’t admit her feelings. Torn between her true dreams and love, Aven will have to decide if she’s willing to sacrifice her happiness to please her mother’s expectations.

SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK is a NA contemporary romance novel completed at 51,000 words. The story alternates between Aven and Jeremy’s point of view.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Roughseasinthemed]

Gah! Too long. And boring. Cut it down by half.

[Paul]

Raquel wrote: "Hi, I'd like an honest critique of my query letter. I already sent it out to some agents but got rejected.

Dear Agent,
Aven’s dreams are too big for her small town in Oklahoma, but when she moves ..."

Raquel
Ill be up front i have no idea what makes a good query letter but i will agree with Rough that this seems a little long winded. And when you have writing that does not make sense in a query letter i'm confident in saying the offers wont come flooding in.

"and he stirs achingly feelings in Aven. "

This piece of writing alone would be enough to have your query binned.

The below is a badly edited version that may , none the less give an idea on how you can cut through a lot of overwriting and still keep the general feel of your original

Aven’s dreams are too big for her small town in Oklahoma, but her move to New York has her questioning her choices and dreams. A chance encounter with Jeremy, a street musician changes everything
Jeremy wants nothing more from life than to be able to−play guitar, sing and be the owner of his destiny . Anything that ignites a spark in you is worth fighting for is a motto he lives. So when Aven enters his life and his songs are no longer inspired by heartbreak and deception but hope, he wants her to be part of his future despite Avens lack of commitment .

As they experience the city together, struggling with their growing attraction, they realize their stories are not so different. But this connection they share could tear them apart if Aven doesn’t admit her feelings. Torn between her true dreams and love, Aven will have to decide if she’s willing to sacrifice her happiness to meet others expectations.

Cheers and good luck.
Crowey

[Nat]

Agree too long!

Query letter:
Open with why you are contacting that agent. Talk about marketing (This is always difficult for me.) suggestion your book is like XX from some other author. (this is what I've been told by people who have gone to query classes, which I haven't.)

Next paragraph is the story: WHO, is trying to do What/What is at Stake, and What is stopping them. Too much explanation on world/backstory is bad. Stick to ONE Plotline. Drop all side plotlines. Only focus on your main character. Don't drop tons of names for secondary characters, often a title is better than another name. I see you have two main characters, so yeah, you might need to pick just one, or do both and see where it gets you. But really, your story explanation should be One paragraph. It sucks, I know, trying to pare it down like that.

Third paragraph: your creds

Then a thank you line.

This is my opinion. I'm not a pro at this, either.

Query letters are my bane. I am constantly revising mine. Good luck!

[Raquel]

Thank you Nat and Paul for your helpful comments. I'll try to make it shorter.