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message 1: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Hi all, after the wonderful help I received with the blurb and title for the other novel I'm working on, I would like some assistance with the blurb for the first title in my Inspector Stone series.

Where There's A Will
Inspector Stone Book One

An armed robbery, a hit-and-run and a kidnapping; DI Stone is a busy man.
Called out in the middle of the night, DI Stone finds himself investigating the theft at gunpoint of fifty thousand pounds from a music festival. The theft is later linked to a hit-and-run being investigated by one of his detectives, leading to conflict between the two officers.
It's a situation that becomes worse when Alice Keating, daughter of the multi-millionaire games developer, Owen Keating, is kidnapped from her chauffeur driven car on the way home from school.
The kidnappers want 3.5 million Euros or they'll kill her.
Owen Keating can afford the ransom, and he's willing to pay it, but Stone would rather find Alice and get her home before the ransom has to be handed over; the question is, can he do it.
There's a surprise in store, though, when the identity of the kidnapper is discovered. The crime was planned by someone closer to home than any of them suspect.

----------
The title and subtitle are to remain, the title has a reference to what is happening in the novel, but I feel the blurb could really use some work.
Below are some of the key plot points in case they help.

DI Stone is in his mid thirties, been a detective for ten years.
Alice Keating kidnapped on the way home from school.
Alice is held at a farmhouse outside of town by her kidnappers, who demand 3.5 million Euros as a ransom.
Kidnappers are a former rally driver and rough criminal, a disgraced computer programmer, and *spoiler* Alice's brother.
Alice's brother intends she be killed so he can inherit, his dad is intending cutting him off - hence the title.
Lewis, the programmer, has a change of heart and wants to save Alice.
Lewis and Crash fight and Alice escapes before the ransom is paid, and Jim, the brother, tries to kill them both before they can tell the police about him.

Thank you in advance for all your help
Alex


message 2: by C.L. (new)

C.L. Lynch (cllynchauthor) | 316 comments Can you tell us something human about DI Stone? Your blurb is a basic plot summary, but it should tell us why we should care. I would also take out the names of the Keatings. We don't need that many character names. DI stone is trying to solve a mystery that involves the kidnapping of a millionaire's daughter. We need a reason to care about/identify with Stone and then a hook to make us want to find out what happens.


message 3: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Something about DI Stone, okay C.L.

He's a husband and father, he has two kids, one of whom has recently had an operation for a heart condition and his gran has cancer.
He's a bit of a luddite, not good with technology.
Caught between a DS who wants his job and a DCI who's more interested in his officers getting a quick result than a right result.

I'm trying to think what else to say about him.


message 4: by C.L. (new)

C.L. Lynch (cllynchauthor) | 316 comments Yeah that's good stuff! Work in some of that - his life is a mess and on top of everything else this complicated case appears...


message 5: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments How about this, is this better?

Where There's A Will

Inspector Stone thought his life was complicated enough, his son has just had an operation for a serious heart condition, his grandmother has been diagnosed with cancer, and one of his subordinates is after his job.
His latest case leaves him with a much more immediate problem, however - the daughter of a local businessman has been kidnapped, and the price for her safe return is 3.5 million Euros.
Can he overcome his Luddite instincts and get to grips with the technology that might enable him to save Alice Keating?


message 6: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Helloooo again, Alex!

*fist bumps*

This blurb is similar to your other one in that it reads more as a synopsis than an actual blurb (as CL already said) so personally, I'd shorten it up and add some punchier details instead. I agree about the names too. If you replace em all with "Jane" and "John", do they still matter? If not, I'd remove em cuz I reckon that's all they mean to readers, eh? ^_~

Good luck!

Hugs,
Ann


message 7: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Thanks Ann, as I think I said before, I'm no good at writing blurbs; I all but hate doing them, which is why I've come here for help and advice.

Really not sure how to sell this novel, though I am confident it's something that people will enjoy reading - the feedback on Wattpad has been good.


message 8: by Isaac (new)

Isaac Alder | 60 comments Hello again!
I think a happy medium between your first and second blurbs is the way to go, if even a bit shorter. The first one was much too long and synopsis-y, which you fixed, but I felt like the second took away some of the "punch." This one is a bit of a thinker.... at least you have a good title set down!


message 9: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Thanks Isaac, here's a quick effort before I head off to bed

Problems at home and an ambitious underling; Inspector Stone has to put those issues aside when the daughter of a local businessman is kidnapped, and a multi-million Euro ransom demanded for her return.
Can he find her and get her home safe when the kidnappers are closer to home than anyone thinks?


message 10: by Bettina (new)

Bettina Melher (bettinamelher) | 6 comments Hi, Alex,

I think your blurb is very interesting but it seems to be a little too long. I’d recommend cutting back on the little details and leave some mystery that will make your readers itch to find out more... ;-)

I agree with C.L. and Annie: shorten the blurb and make it a bit punchier and leave the names out.

Here are some of my ideas…
Hope it helps. Good luck! :-)


Where There's A Will
Inspector Stone Book One

An armed robbery, a hit-and-run and a kidnapping; DI Stone is a busy man.

>>The above is your ‘hook’ and it’s great, but I think it could be a little stronger… What is different / unique about these events? As per your key plot points, the book has a major twist… maybe something along the lines of:
“An armed robbery, a kidnapping, and an enemy that’s already gotten too close…” / …an enemy dangerously close” ?

DI Stone finds himself investigating the theft of fifty thousand pounds from a music festival. The robbery >>(to avoid using theft again) is later linked to a hit-and-run being investigated by one of his detectives. >>(“leading to conflict between the two officers” – is this vital information? If so, consider something along the lines of: “…one of his detectives—a man with whom Stone has already had … etc)

When the daughter of a multi-millionaire is kidnapped, Stone must … >>(race to find the truth / find the missing pieces of this dark puzzle etc.)

PS: your second version of the blurb you posted in the comments is great! Nice and short. :-) The only think I'd add is a 'hook' (one-liner) at the very beginning.


message 11: by Isaac (new)

Isaac Alder | 60 comments Significantly better! I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I think you are definitely on the right track with this one.


message 12: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments One final go before bed (I really should get better about this staying up until stupid o'clock thing)

An armed robbery, a kidnapping, and an enemy that's closer than anyone realises.
Inspector Stone has to put aside problems at home and an ambitious underling when the daughter of a local businessman is kidnapped, and a multi-million Euro ransom demanded for her return.
Can he find her and get her home safe when the kidnappers are dangerously close to home?

How's this?

Fingers crossed you guys like it?


message 13: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Just realised I used home twice in the last sentence, not sure what to replace one with, will look at it tomorrow. Thanks all for your help and advice.


message 14: by Isaac (new)

Isaac Alder | 60 comments On the nose, Alex, well done!


message 15: by Bettina (new)

Bettina Melher (bettinamelher) | 6 comments Perfect! :-) Nice work!


message 16: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments Thank you so much, I guess I just needed to be tired enough not to think too much about what I was doing, lol


message 17: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments I'm changing the final line to

Can he find her and return her safely to her parents when the kidnappers are dangerously close to home?


message 18: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Niiice work, Alex!

*fist bumps*

The only thing I'm still not fond of is the triple "her" in the final line BUT I'm a bit anal-retentive about repeating words so that might just be me LOL Other than that, I think it's spot on ^_~

Hugs,
Ann


message 19: by Alex (new)

Alex Carver | 770 comments I know what you mean about the triple her Ann, hadn't noticed it before, but yes, not great, might have to make an adjustment at some point.


message 20: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1122 comments The most interesting phrase to me is "Owen Keating can afford the ransom" , , , the reason is because I think most people cannot afford it. Leading with that tells the reader that someone is being blackmailed/been kidnapped, without coming right out and saying it.


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