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message 1: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments So, this is my journal. I'm not completely sure what I'll put in here yet. Probably just a bunch of different random stuff like my poetry, songs, other writings, rants, and other things. Feel free to comment and criticize my writing!


message 2: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (alyxxaan) Can't wait, Erin! :)


message 3: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments ~Alyssa~ wrote: "Can't wait, Erin! :)"

Me neither, In fact I'm going to start now.


message 4: by Erin (last edited Oct 22, 2016 06:24PM) (new)

Erin | 302 comments This is Chapter One of a book I'm writing called The Assassin.
~
Chapter One: The Beginning

I suppose it all starts when I'm fourteen years old and see my first monster. I am walking home from school one day when I feel something staring at me, something looking at me and so I turn around to see if I could spot anyone but, I see nothing. I continue walking, quickening my pace an occasional glance behind me.

Then I hear footsteps as if something was getting closer to me and so I start to run. I am scared and have no idea who is following me and I just ran. I made a mistake by looking behind me because when I did I trip over something on the ground. Well, it isn't really a something more of a someone. It is an elder old lady and I try to help her up but, she looked passed me like she sees something.

"Run, my dear. Run it's not safe here." She tells me.

"What do you mean-?" I try to ask but, the old woman vanishes. I turn around to where the old woman had been staring and that is when I see my first monster and I fall back on the ground. It is the worst thing I have ever seen. It is a grey blob with red eyes and I can see it's sharp crooked teeth when it smiles down at me. It is hideous.

It charges at me before I can even stand up and knocks me back on the ground. It's hand was around my throat. It is choking me, trying to kill me. I try to kick it away but, it is useless. I try to scream but, my voice can not be heard.

"She made us suffer and we shall make you suffer the same." It hisses at me. A moment later it is gone and I am breathing heavily. I try to calm my breathing but, I can't I just kept reliving what just happened. When I finally manage to calm myself down I run home up to my room. I jump on my bed and bury my face in my pillow and scream, or at least I try to scream. I notice that no sound comes out.

I sit up on my bed and try to say something, to say anything but, no sound escapes my lips. I can't speak anymore. I am mute.

-----

The same day I see my first monster my father doesn't come home at his usual time. A knock comes from the door. I freeze. Should I answer it? I think. Perhaps it is just my Dad home from work late and he forgot his key but, that isn't like him. He never forgets anything. Maybe he woke up late this morning and so they made him work over time but, it isn't like him not to call or text me so I wouldn't worry. I get up from my bed and wipe my face from my tears and go to answer the door.

At the door is an older woman, maybe in her late twenties or early thirties. She has dirty blond hair that was put in a bun and she is wearing a long sleeve blue dress. Her expression is stern and cold but, if you look into her eyes you could see kindness.

"Mai Lynn?" The woman asks me. I nod. "Come with me." I stay where I am. A part of me knows what had happened before she says it. A part of me that doesn't want to believe it and so I try not to listen to the voice in my head telling me something's wrong and then the woman spoke what I am afraid to hear. "Your father's dead."

I freeze. It's not like I was moving before anyway but, I stop breathing. It's so different when you hear what you had thought happened then when you think it. It makes it so much more real. I don't want to believe it. I want this to just be a dream, an awful dream along with the monster. I want this whole day to be a dream. But it's not.

I want to ask her where she is taking me but, I can't. I still can't speak. I am hoping that this was a temporary spell that would leave in an hour but, it had been more than an hour since the attack. I follow her into the car and I sit in the seat behind the drivers seat. She had left the engine on so the car was already warmed up.

"Perhaps, I should introduce myself properly. My name is Dahlia Jefferson. You can call me Mrs. Jefferson. " She informs me. "I'll be taking you to a Foster Home I don't know how long you'll be there because if we can find some family members of yours then you'll go live with them." I nod to show that I understood.

When we arrive at the Foster Home she had taken me to Mrs. Jefferson walks me inside.Then, she introduces me to the Foster Mother and the other children. Then, she showed me to the room that I would stay in.

"Here you are. Oh, you don't have any of your stuff. I'll bring you your things from your room later, okay?" Mrs. Jefferson tells me. I nod. "Still not speaking?" I nod again, looking at my feet.

When she left I sit on the neatly made bed in my room and look around. The place seemed so lonely, so sad. If I end up staying, I think, I'm fixing my room to be happier. I don't remember how or when but, I end up falling asleep.


message 5: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Chapter Two Of The Assassin
~
Chapter Two: Fading Voices

I wake up to a girl, standing over me and staring. She sighs with relief when she notices I opened my eyes. She gives me a small smile. I recognize her as one of the other kids that live here. What was her name, I ask myself, I can't remember.

"Sorry if I frightened you. Foster Mom told me to wake you. It's time for dinner." The girl tells me, backing away from the bed so I can get up. "My name is Ava. I know that Mrs. Jefferson introduced you to all of the kids earlier, including myself but, I also know it's hard to remember names when given so many." I nod my head toward her, after standing up. "I heard you haven't spoken at all since you've found out what happened and I know it must be a shock that something so unexpected just happened it was the same way with my family..." Her voice trailed off before she added. "Sorry, I'm speaking too much again, aren't I?"

She leads me to the dining room and sits down in a seat. I try to sit in the seat next to her but, a boy comes and pushes me away from the seat so he could sit in it. Ava looked over at me, a expression of pity shown on her face.

"It's his seat." She explains. "We all have signed seats so nobody fights over a chair." I nod to show that I understand.

"Miss Lynn, you can sit on the opposite side across Miss Grace," said the Foster Mother coming into the room. Ava gestured to herself and then pointed to the chair crossed from her. I follow her gestures and sit in that chair. I eat dinner which was grilled cheese and tomato soup and drink my tea. When I am done I go back to my room and lock the door behind me.

I lay back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. After a few minutes I hear a growl and I sit up quickly and look around the room; I don't see anything. Perhaps, I'm just imagining things, I think. And then a minute later not a moment before or after I see it.

This monster is the monster I had seen on my way home from school. I recognize it's red eyes that feel like they could see right through me. It has been lurking in my closet and jumped out at me and it attacked me, throwing me against the wall. I can hear someone running to the door and try to open it but, the couldn't because it was locked.

I try to run away from the monster before it could attack me again but I am too late. It has come over me and has a long stick shaped sword with a long point at the top and it stabs me in the stomach and then pulls it out and and sticks it in again. It did it over and over again, the pain getting worse each time. I try to move to the side before the stick sword could attack me but, I can't. I am paralyzed once again and I am about to die. I don't know what to do I am panicked and I am dying. I think about just letting go. My father's life was taken. My mother's life was taken. Why shouldn't my life be taken too?

The door opens falling and I could see my Foster Mother, who I had only just met. Her face was pale white and she stares at me as I bleed on the floor. Slowly dying. I don't want to look at her stricken face because even though I didn't know her for long I could tell she cared for me like she did all of the other children.

The Foster Mother overcomes her shock and says, "Mai, what do you think your doing?"

What I'm doing, I think angrily, I'm dying because a monster stabbed his pointy stick in me.

"Mai stop stabbing yourself with that knife." The Foster Mother tells me.

I'm not, I want to scream but, I didn't mostly because I couldn't. Then I realize. She couldn't see the monster like I could. She was seeing something else entirely. The monster left quickly as the Foster Mother approaches me, taking a cell phone out of her pocket.

"Help, one of the foster children tried to kill themselves." The Foster Mother says to the recipient. I couldn't hear what they replied with but, the next thing that she says is, "Okay, thank you."

She walks over to me and picked me up. She carries me out of the room and outside the house. A few minutes later an ambulance carried me away and I faded into unconsciousness. I thought I heard a yell as I became unconscious. A scream for help, my name being called, a whisper of goodbye. I heard so many voices yet none could hear mine. They began to fade as did I.


message 6: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Chapter Three of The Assassin:
~
Chapter Three: The Hidden Boy

While I am unconscious I see this strange dream about people who hunted monsters and monsters who hunted people. I see how the monster hunters treated each other like a friends, like a family. So close, so connected, so similar yet so different.

In my dream I see a glowing white orb and around it are black cards. As I moved in to get closer I see that the black cards aren't really black but, more like shadow cards than black cards. I figure that they are some kind of trap and that the reason why I want to pick one up so badly is because there is some kind of charm on them. I look away from the shadow cards and back at the glowing white orb. The orb changes and is now a golden color and it shows something inside of it.

It shows my mother, father and, me at a park having a picnic. I am running around and my father is chasing me while my mother is setting the picnic up. My father had scooped me up and took me by my hands spinning me in a circle and I was giggling like crazy. I remembered this day. We were all so... so, happy. So many things have changed since then.

Mother's death. Father's death. My voice lost. My family lost. Monsters chasing me. I wonder if they are real or if I'm losing my mind. I continue looking around in my dream landscape I don't see any one or really anything else in the room besides the orb with the cards. I began to wonder if I am dead, if this is a dream at all but, the afterlife. Or the moment before I die where I see my favorite memories of my life.

I look back at my orb and it changes again to a purple color. It shows me in a forest, surrounded by trees. I wonder if the orb was showing me where I am in reality because I couldn't think of a time in my life when I was in the woods or a forest alone recently. But in reality I was on my way to the hospital, wasn't I? Plus, the me in the orb vision is wearing the same clothes I had been wearing when I fainted? Passed out? Died? I wasn't sure.

---

I wake up expecting to find myself in a hospital but, instead I'm in the room I was given at the Foster Home. I lay in bed, adjusting my eyes to the light peering in from the window. I sat up slowly, scanning the room. My eyes fall to the closet that the monster had crept out of the night before. I shudder at the thought of it.

I don't appear to be injured in any way. I find that really odd. Could it be that the monster attack I had just experienced was a dream? But why did it feel so real? I stand up out of bed and stretch. I move my way, slowly toward the closet. When I get there I peer inside holding my breath, scared to see what I might find.

At first all I see is an ordinary closet that's empty. Then I see a small figure on the floor. Their eyes were closed. It was a little boy. I thought about all the other foster children and tried to place a name with him. I couldn't. I couldn't even recognize him as one of them.

I nudge my foot near him trying to wake him up.

"Please don't hurt me, please." The boy sat up quickly, pleading.

"Huh? Oh don't be silly. I'm not going to hurt you."I mouth to the boy. I still couldn't speak. I mouth again, "What's your name?"

"Chris." He says. "My name is Chris."

What are you doing in my room? Should I go get somebody? I wonder in my mind.

"No, I don't know how you can see me. Most people can't anymore. If you get anyone they'll think your crazy. I'm in your room because it used to be mine. You should get going." Chris answered.

Just then the door opens and Ava walks into the room. She looks at the bed with a surprised expression. "Mai?"

I walk toward her but, she still doesn't notice me. I'm right next to her now and I tap her shoulder.

"Oh my!" She yelps, as I had surprised her. "You are so quiet. I'm supposed to let you borrow in outfit for school today so, come to my room." I follow behind her into my room and we choose an outfit. Then, I got to the bathroom to change. After that we walk to school with the other foster kids together.

We drop the younger kids to the elementary, the younger middle kids to the middle school and, then the older ones who remained went to the high school. When we arrive at the school we all go our separate ways and I head to my locker then, go to class.

I think to myself perhaps this could be a good day, a normal day but of course it wasn't going to be and it all starts with the hidden little boy who was in the closet.

I go through classes pretty easily for the first half of the day and have a usual day except for the small child I had seen this morning in my room. My mind keeps going back to him. I keep worrying if he's okay and if he's dangerous. If he could be a monster in disguise. I also wonder about the monsters if they're actually real or if I have lost my mind.

I think about my father and it suddenly occurs to me that I have no idea how he died. Nobody ever told me. It seems quite strange that nobody mentioned it or allowed me to go see my father's body. Where is his body now? Had it already been buried? If so, where? If not, why? Would there be a funeral? When? All these questions and so many more swim around in my head.

I go to my locker before my next class and when I open it a box falls out of it, opening and, dozens of papers come falling out. I picked them up and saw that each one said the exact same thing over and over again.

I'm watching you

I'm watching you

I'm watching you

I'm watching you

I'm watching you

I'm watching you

My reaction is to look around me and as I do my heart starts beating fast and suddenly I can't breathe. I look back at the stack of papers and the box that they had fallen out of and saw that at the bottom of the box there is a journal. I set the stack of papers aside and pick up the journal and then I open it. It's empty. There's nothing in it.

Then the bell rings, startling me. I pick up the stack of papers and shove them and the journal back into the box. I grab my things and slam my locker behind me and start running to my next class.

My next class is gym. When I arrive the teacher is explaining thing to my classmates who are sitting on the gym floor like usual. I set my stuff down on the bleachers and go sit in my spot. The gym teacher doesn't seem to notice me or if they do notice me they are ignoring me. As I'm sitting I try to concentrate on the words my gym teacher is saying but I can't. My breathing is still heavy and I can hardly catch it or calm down.

And then out of the corner of my eye I see it.

A shadow of a person beside the bleacher. A monster hanging in the corner of the room, slightly looking at me and slightly looking at the figure.

Then everything went black and I hear shouts and screams of the people around me. When the light comes back on I'm no longer in the gym.


message 7: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Chapter Four of The Assassin
~
Chapter Four: The Woods

The figure in the shadows comes forward toward me slowly. The figure isn't looking at me though. The figure has it's eyes locked on the monster as if the monster is it's prey and it's the predator. The monster hasn't moved since I first laid my eyes on it. It just stared at me and the figure as it drew nearer to me.

The place we are in is no longer the gym but, a section in a forest or some other place surrounded by trees. Although I couldn't recall a time I had been in this forest or in any forest the place felt familiar as if I had been here before. Almost comforting like I'd once called this place home although I felt certain I hadn't. The feeling itself is enough to make me feel uncertain.

As the figure draws closer to me I could see that it is a male. His hair is to his shoulders and is black, curly and, tangled. His skin is a dark tan color and there are scars all over his body. As he comes nearer I start to back away.

"Stop moving!" The male hisses at me, not taking his attention off the monster.

What is that monster? Who is that man? Where are we? I think.

"Stop talking!" The male demands, his voice harsh and cruel. I am confused because I hadn't said anything I had only thought it. Was he addressing me or the monster who still hadn't moved? Despite what the man said I try to move and find that I can't as if I am frozen it my spot, maybe even paralyzed.

Then, all of the sudden, the monster leaps over the man and tackles me down to the floor. I try to wrestle away from it but I still can't move my body. I try to scream but I still can't use my voice. The man who had been in the shadows before races toward us with a dagger in his hand. He slices the dagger into the monsters back and the monster roars out in pain.

The monster tries to use it's sharp teeth to bite my neck but, misses when I move over as soon as it comes down. The man with the dagger attacks the beast again this time in the neck and instead of red blood, a goldish yellow color comes out of it. The beast instantly goes stiff and then it turns slowly into ashes or dust.

The man offers me his hand to help me up. I ignore it and get up on my own. As soon as I stand I feel really dizzy and was about to fall but the man catches me. I try to move back, away from him but he wraps his arms around me tightly not letting me move.

"Who are you?" I try to ask but, still had no voice to do so.

"I'm Brendon Parker and I'm in love with you." He leans in to kiss me but, I move my hand from my side and slap him in the face. He steps back but, doesn't appear shocked by my reaction. Just then he shrinks and where he was standing now stands a little boy.

Not just any little boy.

The boy from my closet.

Chris.

He'd followed me.

But why?

I attend to find out soon.

"What are you doing here? Why are you here? Why'd you try to do that? Just who are you?" All these questions fire out of me but none of them could be heard.

"Don't worry. I can understand your questions even if you don't say them. I can read your mouth when you try to speak them and I can read your mind when you don't."

Read my mind? I wonder what that means, I think. Powers? Telekinesis? A joke?

"Your close. Not a joke. Yeah, I have powers. Yes, one of them is telekinesis. I'll answer your questions one by one so, be patient. Before we do that we need to get out of here. Away from your school."

Aren't we al-?

"No questions for now. I'll explain later." Chris said, interrupting my thoughts. Just then I notice that the trees around us started to fade and the gym started to appear again. I look around and what I see scares me. My classmates, the gym teacher, all of them. Dead. It's hard to see someone dead even when you weren't that close to them when a few minutes ago you had seen them alive. Is this my fault? Did the monster somehow kill them? Did the boy? How, how hadn't I seen this happen?

"Come on." Chris urged, taking my hand and pulling me into a run. We exit the gym and run down the hall, turn a right, then another and, run until we get out of the school. When we get out Chris stopped running and lets go of my hand. He scans the area and cups a hand behind his ear as if listening for something. I decide not to ask what because of his "no-questions-until-i'm-ready-rule" and instead I watch behind us, making sure no teacher, staff or, anybody else come out to find us.

After a few minutes Chris takes my hand again and begins to run again. This time at a faster speed that blurs my vision. The next time when we stop we are at the edge of the woods. The woods.

The ones I recognized.

The ones from before.

The woods.

And then we went inside.


♥ Emily ♥   (emily_turtle) | 111 comments Mod
I love it!


message 9: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Emily ~ To the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ~ wrote: "I love it!"

Thanks!


message 10: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Fear

A feeling worse than being
Afraid or scared.
A feeling worse than dying
The most painful death.
A feeling worse than losing
Someone you love.
Fear.
It's the worse because it can be all that
And so much more.
But it's also the most important
To have.


message 11: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Lonely

Lonely,
It's how I feel.
Like nobody cares
Although they do.
They can tell me they care,
That they love me
But it doesn't change how I feel about myself.
Lonely,
Really lonely.
Yeah,
even shy people feel lonely.
In fact,
Most of the time more.


message 12: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (alyxxaan) Really enjoyed the four chapters of your story! Definitely keep up the good work, Erin! :D


message 13: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments ~Alyssa~ wrote: "Really enjoyed the four chapters of your story! Definitely keep up the good work, Erin! :D"

Thanks!


message 14: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Shy Girl's Story: INTRODUCTION

My life isn't a fairy tale nor will it ever be but, it does of course have fairy tale elements in it and that is good enough for me.

Everyone is different and everyone is unique because no one person is exactly alike. Everyone has their own individual personality whether you can tell what it is or not is up to you and your own personality. You can't just say someone doesn't have a personality because you can't see it or because you don't know what it is. Everyone has a personality and it doesn't matter if they choose to hide it or not.

I am a shy girl. No matter how outgoing I seem on the internet or how outgoing I may even seem sometimes in real life I'm not. I'm more than just shy, when talking to someone who I don't know well and sometimes even if I know them well I freak out and have trouble breathing. In class when my name is called I freak out even if it's just for attendance. I don't really care if you judge me but, think about it like this: Would you want me to point out your flaws? Judge you by your flaws and nothing else? Didn't think so. And if you do; your lying. Trust me.

My personality is very unique and totally myself but, the thing is not many people get to know the real me because my shyness is in the way. I've tried to get over my shyness but it's not something you can just get over and it's different for everyone who has it.

My shyness stops me from doing a lot of things but, it also helps me do a lot if things too. I can't talk to people very well or talk loud in class. I get asked a lot of the same questions such as "Why don't you talk?" Or "You can talk?" from the occasional times I do.

This book is going to be about more than my shyness. It's going to be about a certain point in my life that eventually lead me to where I am today. I know you can't help but judge me and that's okay because your human. Just remember I am too and I have emotions just like you.

So, there's my introduction. Now let's dive right into my life and my story.


message 15: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Shy Girl's Story: Part One
I had all these great plans for this book. I was going to share my story and I was so excited to do so that I started carry a notebook around and started writing it in there. I was writing small notes on the side. I knew what I wanted to do and I felt great about it. So why, your probably asking, why did I decide to change it if I liked it so much? In all honesty I can't be 100% sure. Maybe it's because of the new idea I had. Perhaps, it's because of the kid that I heard talking shit. Or perhaps it's just because I felt the need to.

I used to, when I was little, wish on stars. I don't do that anymore. Perhaps, it's because I've finally stopped believing or that I've given up on them because I feel like they waste my time. None of them ever came true and maybe they never will. I've always looked at wishing on stars as something people do but the results are always uncertain. That the stars themselves, choose which wishes will come true and which won't.

This book will still be my life story but instead of me just writing it like a normal story and telling it to you I'm going to talk about it go through it. Answer any questions you have or that I have about myself. If you answer a question I will answer honestly and the best I can so feel free to comment questions and I'll tag you with the answer or PM me and I can either answer you here in this book or in the PM, I'll let you choose.

This book will be me talking about me maybe I'll even talk about you if you give me a chance. It will be about my laughter, my tears, my storm, my fight. It will be about me and I'm not trying to be or sound selfish but I feel like this is something I need in my life wright now. I used to joke around about happiness and what it really was. No, not used to. I still do. The thing about now and back then is that back then I was just confused now I'm confused and I still don't have an answer because happiness is many things and nothing at all.

Sorry, that this is kinda short but a warning they'll probably get much longer.


message 16: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Shy Girl's Story: Part Two:

I think I just said goodbye. I don't know if I meant for the night or for forever. You see, right now I'm really confused with what I mean about a lot of things and I don't really make sense nor do I really expect myself to. I wonder if when she see's the message what she'll think I meant. If it even occurred to her that it could have more than one meaning. I'm not sure if I'm letting go or holding on anymore because both option seem to hard.

I don't know why these questions keep occurring in my mind like a never ending cycle but then again perhaps I do. Perhaps, I'm scared of being hurt or hurting somebody again. Perhaps, I am scared of loosing her and of keep her, of holding on and letting go and, maybe that's why it confuses me. (Oh, by the way this will be a short chapter.) I want her to be able to be happy and a part of me feels like I stop that so should I just let go or no? If I talked to her about it she'd say she loves talking to me and loves hearing me rant and all that jazz but I'm scared I'll hurt her. Scared I'll loose her, scared she'll loose me. Scared I'll make a mistake. Well, I will. We all do. She just may or may not be involved in one of them.

She wasn't even online. She probably hasn't even seen it. I wonder why I keep thinking of all the meanings a goodbye could have. I wonder why I keep thinking or trying to make her so easy to let go of and why I wish that she'd hate me so she'll ever have to deal with me and how I wish that she'll tell me she hates me to my face and make it burn like an everlasting scar. I wonder all of these things and many more but why? They don't have any answers. But then again maybe that's why. If a problem doesn't have an answer your not really having to face the hard truth about anything.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading! Stay beautiful boos


message 17: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Shy Girl's Story Part Three

Yesterday I said goodbye only to say hello today and find out that there really will be a goodbye. I haven't told her yet and I'm not sure if I will that I had a dream last night about her telling me something bad would happen an that we would end up splitting. Well maybe it was right. Maybe we will. Maybe you'll be another person who leaves me behind, who I'll try to hold on to and then fall apart over.

I'm not helpful and I can't give you all the answers you need. I say I'm sorry a lot and make tons of mistakes. I'm not perfect. None of us are. I wish I could take everyone's pain and sadness a way and make them be happy. Let them be happy and okay and alright. But I can't.Why can't I? It's really what I want. That's one reason why I want to take over the world it gets me a step closer to it. You all probably think I'm insane and to be honest I probably am but then again perhaps we all are. Who knows? Not me, not you so let's continue.

I am sad. Everyone always talks to me because I offer and let them and they tell me why but when they offer it back I don't really tell them the reason why I'm sad or the reason why I'm feeling a certain way. I just rant about my emotions and how I'm feeling using words bigger than necessary.

I'M NOT SAD. I NEED TO STOP SAYING THAT BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT. I'M JUST EMPTY AND LONELY AND CONFUSED AND ALL MY MISTAKES AND REGRETS KEEP BOUNCING BACK UP ONLY TO BE REPEATED AND I KEEP TELLING OTHERS NOT TO GIVE UP WHEN THAT'S ALL FEEL LIKE DOING.

GOSH, I'M SORRY.


message 18: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Shy Girl's Story Part Four

Last night I don't know. I cried a lot before going to sleep to the point where I couldn't breathe. Maybe that's a good thing because I'm letting it out and all that stuff but I keep telling other people to hold on, keep trying, one day it'll get better but how can I say those words when I have trouble believing them for myself? How can I say it when I don't know if it'll get better and I'm just giving them false hope? I don't know why I even try-no wait I do. It's because of the people I care about that care about me. I don't want to hurt them by leaving them behind and just giving up. That's the only reason I'm still here or at least that's what it feels like.

I'm not trying to be sad and all that stuff but then again maybe I am. I don't know if anybody ever reads this since the first chapter when it seemed all fun and dandy and like it would be about my life instead of me just talking about my life in complicated ways. I'm sorry to all those who are disappointed with what I am writing and I'm sorry that I'm probably not going to change.

One if the me is the person who can't help but chasing because she pushes everyone away and regrets it? One if the me is someone who always questions everyone including the right people and chases them until they give up or die? One if the me is someone I don't want to be but need to be? What do I do now?

That's it for now.


message 19: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Poem:


Do you remember last year when I told you my fear of how I was worried one day we'd

stop being friends,

stop caring about each other and,

just move on?

Do you remember what you told me? That that would never happen and I said,

"Oh but, it could."

I wish I could forget all these painful memories of when we were there for each other. I wish I could forget about how easily I let you slip away. I wish I could forget this and forget you so I could ignore all these regrets that keep punching me each day.

I told myself it'd be okay and that if we were only meant to be apart of each others journey to the end and that not everyone will stay. I tried to convince myself that so many times and,

it almost worked.

But it didn't.

We were best friends and we let that all go.

I let you walk away and,

now that your gone and I'm gone I'm wondering once again if your okay.


message 20: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Another Poem:

I used to call you my best friend but,

then I realized:

you weren't.

Perhaps you never were.


message 21: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Another Another Poem

My sister is my best friend because she has been there for me more,

than anybody else,

more than I could ask for,

more than I've been for her.

My sister is my best friend because she cares about me,

more than I care about myself and,

she sees right through my lies of "I'm fine" but,

she doesn't say anything because she knows I don't want to talk about it.

My sister is my best friend because I love her and,

I always will.


message 22: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Poem Four

You hate yourself so,

I try to tell you everyday that I love you so you know,

that somebody does.

I don't hate you and no matter how many times I may get annoyed I could

never hate you.

No matter how many times I get angry,

I'll always love you.

You are my sister,

my best friend,

the closet person I have and,

all I want is for you to be happy,

for you to be okay,

for you to feel loved.


message 23: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Poem 5

We used to talk,

all the time,

lots and lots,

until it was time to say goodbye.

We would always say hello again.

But could that have been our last- NO, I won't allow it.

Please don't leave me alone.


message 24: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Poem 6

We stick together,

No matter how far apart,

because we are both too scared to let go.



We stick together,

Despite all our fights,

because neither of us wants to be alone.



We stick together,

For eternity,

because we are friends and that's all we've ever known how to be.


message 25: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments You are apart of me,

now and for forever,

because at one point we were so close.

At one point you were the only friend I had.

At one point you saved my life and,

now you'll always be with me

wherever I go.


message 26: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Gone somewhere,

Without goodbye,

Entertaining was our friendship,

Now it's gone.


message 27: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Perhaps, your not gone.

At least for forever.

Perhaps, you just needed a break.

And maybe you'll come back.

Perhaps, I'm just trying to hold on to hope.

And maybe all these perhaps are maybes and all these maybes are hopes and,

all these hopes,

in the end,

will be nothing more than false.


message 28: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments My chest hurts,

maybe it's from the hiccups I'm suffering through

or,

maybe it's from the thought of you.

Maybe I'm exaggerating

or

maybe I'm just confused.

Was it my fault?

Did I do this?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


message 29: by Erin (last edited Oct 23, 2016 04:47PM) (new)

Erin | 302 comments I'm sorry if what I said,

what I did,

who I am,

wasn't enough for you.



I'm sorry if it's my fault,

that your gone now,

without goodbye,

no more hellos.



I'm sorry if it's my fault,

that they don't have you,

that your friendship has broken,

that our friendship has broken.



I'm sorry for not going after you,

your hard to let go but,

I'm not prepared to fight for somebody else again.



I'm sorry.


message 30: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I miss what we once had,

the friendship we once shared,

I think your gone now,

and all I can do is ask myself why?

Why? Why'd you leave?

Why? Why didn't you say something?

Why? Why do you do this to me?

Why? Why haven't I learned my lesson?


message 31: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments We weren't even that close,

Just friends who'd talk everyday,

Just friends who sat next to each other at lunch everyday.

I feel like its my fault,

Like I did something wrong,

Like I hurt you and didn't even know.



Did I? Did I?

I don't even know if we're friends or not

I just know one day we were friends,

Then I was absent and,

Came back to find you

Gone.


message 32: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I could say,

I don't know why I have friends,

Or why I even care,

Or why I make the same mistake,

Over and over again.

But I now know the answer so that'd be

A lie.

The answer is

Because they are apart of me

And no matter if I like it or not

They'll always be.

Because their an experience,

One I will never be able to forget.


message 33: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments keep writing poems about you

And I keep hoping and I keep trying

To believe that your still here for me.



I have problems trusting people,

Did you know,

Did you?



Your making it worse and

I thought I could rely on you if I ever needed something

I was wrong

Again.



Was I? Was I?


message 34: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I thought you left me but

You didn't.

I feel bad for even thinking it,

For writing so much poetry on how I lost you,

When you were never gone.

I thought you left,

Leaving me behind

But you didn't.

You'll never here these poems and,

If you do you won't

Realize their about you.

Oh, but if you do

Know that I'm sorry.

Do you know how hard it is for these thoughts to leave my head?

So hard

Because they never leave,

They're always there.

I'm sorry

But thanks for not leaving me.

At least not yet.


message 35: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Tried to convince myself not to write this,

tried to convince myself it was unneeded,

tried to tell myself we are fine,

you are fine,

I am fine.



But I'm not,

I'm really not and,

I don't know how to how to be.

I keep trying but somehow my mind is always at least a little bit thanking about you.



We don't talk like we used too,

we can't talk like we used to and,

we're both just a mess,

mine bigger than yours.



I want you to be happy and I want you to be okay,

I don't know if you are,

or if I can believe you when you

say that you are.



I try not to miss you as

much as I do.

But I can't because we used to talk everyday and,

I told you things I couldn't tell anyone else

and now I feel like I should say I'm sorry

but I don't think

you'd understand what I mean.



I'm writing this poem,

this poem for you,

hope that when you read it

you'll understand why

I say I'm sorry.



I'm sorry for not being there for you now,

if you need me I'm hardly ever there.

I'm sorry that I keep messing things up,

and I'm sorry that I'll never be enough.



I'm sorry for not always telling you the truth or

for talking this through with you.

It was too hard,

I never knew how to start.

I'm sorry for being a mess,

sorry for being a giant mess but don't worry

I'll pick myself up.



Just want you to know I'm sorry,

sorry for being a mess.


message 36: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Our friendship used to feel like magic,

Perhaps it still does:

Nonexistent magic

Although at one point it did exist

Maybe it still does but it sure doesn't feel like it anymore.


message 37: by ♥ Emily ♥ (new)

♥ Emily ♥   (emily_turtle) | 111 comments Mod
Wow I love these! I can really feel the sadness in them when I read them


message 38: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I used to cry myself to sleep,

Beg for you to be by my side,

Stare at you across the room,

Wishing you'd come back to me


message 39: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments One day,
I felt so happy or so I thought
But then later I almost gave up.
The next day,
I convinced myself my own happiness didn't matter
But I do need to be happy even if I don't want it.


message 40: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Seeing you,

Standing there,

Talking to me,

Smiling with me,

made me happier than I have felt

for years.


message 41: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments Emily ~ To the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered ~ wrote: "Wow I love these! I can really feel the sadness in them when I read them"

Thanks!


message 42: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments A Short Story I wrote called The Guild:

Once upon a time there was a guild who had only five members. Nobody new ever wanted to join, nobody new was ever allowed to join. Everyone in this guild had this one special thing in common; their belief to change the world. Their belief to change the world is what made any new comers afraid to join them because by changing the world in to fit their beliefs meant to kill all those who did not own the sacred magic.

Sacred magic is a type of magic that only certain people can use. You can learn how to use his magic but, it is very complicated. It takes years and years to be able to master without killing yourself sometimes, even more. The people in this guild possess sacred magic and because people who don't have sacred magic try to imprison, hurt, or kill people with the sacred magic they believe that they should use their magic to what they think is for good but, is not.

The people in the guild go by these names Purity, Hora, Coal, Lios and, Aeria. Nobody knows if these are really their names or if they're nicknames that they gave each other. Purity has Water Magic and is peaceful and calm like the ocean but, then attacks viciously when she needs to. Coal has Fire Magic and is an impatient, hotheaded person and often found himself bursting in flames with rage but, his Fire Magic is quite deadly even when he can control himself and his attitude. Lios has Earth Magic and is kind to his magic because he's not only using plants for attack he is being a friend toward them but, even threw his kindness he is prepared to kill if he has too. There is a rumor going around that it was Lios who built the guild that they lived in. Aeria has Air Magic and is as free as the wind also, Aeria is very calm even when attacking but, her attacks are very effective toward enemies. Hora has Time Magic and can both control and manipulate time.

A historian went there to find some answers about them and found many things that gave many clues as to what happened and why. Also, in doing so the historian uncovered a story which I shall now share with you.

A long time ago on September Twenty Third in an island called Roselake a war started between those who carried sacred magic and those who had none. The war lasted thirteen years and it ended when one male and one female stood before all of them and shouted that the fighting had to end.

The male had no sacred magic and the female did. They thought that if they used each other as allies maybe, just maybe they could get the fighting to end. They were married and had a daughter who was five years old at the time. She would have sacred magic like her mother as there were a few incidents with her turning time forward and buildings start to age and crumble.

"We should not be fighting against each other. We must stick together to stay united!" The female yelled among the crowd.

"Why should we listen to you because as soon as we sign the peace treaty you're going to command us with your sacred magic!" One person shouted.

"Yeah, we shall fight for our freedom!" Another shouted.

"You are free. There is no reason to fight. This war is pointless. Listen to us for once." The male told the crowd.

"Why would we listen to you know when we ignored you before?" Someone from the crowd asked.

"Because you don't want to fight. You want freedom but, killing each other isn't freedom!" The female replied.

"Kill her! She's manipulating us with magic!" Someone screamed, causing people to try to charge at her and then others come near to protect her. The person who had screamed that before turned to look at the male and shouted up at him, "Don't you see that you wife is fooling you?"

"You are the fool! You are blinded by your arrogance. Why do you fight sacred magic?" The female said, before the male could open up his mouth to say anything.

"Because you used it to threaten us." Someone spoke up.

"No we don't!" The female argued. "And I promise that as long as I live I will not let anyone I see who threatens your kind be unpunished as long as you promise to do the same and not imprison them just because they have sacred magic. Do we have a deal? I'll allow you all to talk and form a decision together with your people."

The crowd murmured things to each other. Everyone was making a decision. The husband and wife's daughter stood next to them but, was silent like they had asked her to be. They didn't want her interfering with what they were trying to say. After an hour all the murmuring and the occasional shouts had stopped and there was complete silence. It seemed like even the birds had stopped their singing and hums and that the wind had stopped it's howling just to listen to what the outcome of this would be.

"Has both the people of sacred magic and non-sacred magic made their decision?" The husband had asked.

"We have chosen." One voice alone had said from one side of the room.

"As have we." Another voice said but, this came from the opposite side of the room.

"Non-sacred magic folk what is your decision?" The wife inquired.

"Deal as long as you stay true to our agreement." The voice that had represented the non-sacred magic folk from before spoke.

"Sacred Magic folk what is your decision?" The husband continued.

"Deal as long as they stay true to the agreement we just made." The voice that had represented the sacred magic folk from before replied.

"There it is. We have settle the arrangement. Everyone go home and get some rest tomorrow we'll worry about fixing the town." The wife had concluded.

"Goodnight, everyone." The husband had added as he took his daughter's hand. His wife took their daughters other hand and they walked back home together. Late in the evening after they had gone to bed their daughter woke up to a loud sound. She went to her parents room and found her mother dead and her father gone. Her father had killed her mother and ran away. Ever since that day the daughter had wanted revenge on all those who did not have sacred magic and, the daughter's name was Hora.

Hora spent years training and forming a team strong enough to defeat the unsacred people of the town and in doing so she formed The Guild. The Guild didn't have a name or at least not one the historian could find. Perhaps, they just called themselves The Guild. When Hora turned twenty she had had fifteen years of training along with the others who joined her at first sight. AT first word because they too had lost someone important to them that night.

After years of training and fighting they went to the kingdom and attacked. They killed all those who didn't have sacred magic. You would think that the people who held Sacred Magic would be happy but, they weren't. They had grown used to Unsacred and they were sad that they were gone and so, they fought The Guild. They did not win. All of them were dead and The Guild took the Kingdom for it's own.

The Guild had thought that killing and taking back the kingdom would make them feel better but, it didn't. They thought and thought about what they should do next and turned to Hora for a plan. Hora had a plan alright. To kill all those in the other kingdoms unless they agreed to allow The Guild as their rulers. They attacked seven other kingdoms with success of all of their death. Not one kingdom on Roselake Island agreed to allow them rule.

The Guild continued to fight kingdoms and win them over until there was none left to win. Lios as the rumor says built the palace in the middle of the island. The palace was the biggest building on the island and is where The Guild lived.

One day while exploring the Guild came across four people. These four people were the people that Hora, Coal, Lios and, Purity lost. They all recognized them as soon as they saw them. They all turned to Aeria to ask her where her's was but she was gone. The Sacred that they lost, that they thought were dead killed them. One moment before they died they saw Aeria sitting on a beast's shoulders. Not just any beast though, a demon. A demon that was sent to be locked away on this very island.

Aeria told them, "Thank you for killing all those people. Rage, hatred, fear, vengeance was all my father needed to be set free. I took the people you loved and used them as puppets of the wind. Your dying because you can't fight the one's you love."

Those were the last words they heard. They fought for revenge on someone who was gone and they wouldn't let go of the past that was theirs and because of that a demon took their soul and they were betrayed by a friend they called their own.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The End. Hope you all enjoyed!


message 43: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I tried to search for a reason for why I was crying

I try to speak

I try to breathe

But I can't

You think I am lonely

But being alone is the only time I can think

You see, I like to think a lot

In many different ways

You don't understand though

I fear you'll call me crazy

But instead you award me by making me do more work

And I am already stressed but I accept the work

You tell me to smile

So I put one on

You tole me I was doing great

How do you know how I am doing?

Teachers.

I know you are trying to help but, you can't help me

I am just me and that's all I need.

Or at least that is what is in my head.


message 44: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments The suspense in the room is very high.

The room that once held comfort,

The room that once was peaceful,

Is now full of despair.

A girl who was once strong became,

A broken woman.

A girl who was proud and confident,

Now hates herself after losing everything.

A girl who was proud and confident,

Now hates herself after losing everything.

A girl who thought she was experiencing happiness

was lied to by her own dream.

The woman is shrieking in her room,

weeping of all she has been through.

Things others don't understand but,

They pretend that they do understand.

You can't always fix a mistake.

You can't change the past but, you can

make a better future.

Be careful always and, look both ways

Before you cross the street.


message 45: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments You say you want me to do something with this dream of mine,

Not let it be wasted talent.

You say you want me to do what I want to do

Do you expect me to know what I want to do?

At just this age

No

Of course you don't

But I do

I expect so much from myself

Because I don't want to fail

I don't want to lose

Because I have this ambition

To do so much

Not just with one thing

But with many

and I can't do all of them and I want to

I want to do so much

and I can't.

But how can I chose my dream when I have so many

One if one day my dream becomes my living nightmare


message 46: by Erin (last edited Dec 10, 2016 02:14PM) (new)

Erin | 302 comments They take me,

They love me,

They hurt me,

They break me,

They ask for forgiveness

I decline

But they beg and they plead

And they say it was a simple mistake

So I forgive them

It starts out fine

They take me,

They love me,

And then it just repeats,

They hurt me,

They break me,

They ask for forgiveness

I decline and I decline

They call me a monster

They call me a demon

When they are the only demons inside of me

The demons that I don't let escape

Because they are my demons

My demons.

And the only way to get rid of my demons

Is to give them to someone else.


message 47: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments The whispers,

the talks,

the cries,

the teases,

the fears,

all of it

will one day end.

And you'll beg for my forgiveness but,

I'll be gone.


message 48: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments You speak to me,

Your just a stranger,

I don't know your name

But I reply with Hello

Little did you know

I couldn't breathe

and

I didn't want to speak.


message 49: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I said no.

Then I said wait.

Then I said yes.

And you just accept.

I am confused.

But you seem to understand.

I can't ask you for an explanation

because you wouldn't understand.

So why am I so confused.

I don't know this is so confusing

and you can't explain

and I can't explain

Because there is nothing to be explained.


message 50: by Erin (new)

Erin | 302 comments I didn't mean to speak

To cry

To laugh

It just happened

And you were confused

But I couldn't explain

I didn't know how to

You ask how am I

I say I'm okay.

I ask how you are

You say your decent.

We've both managed to survive another day.

I'm glad that we've made it to this point

This point means nothing

But we've survived

We should be proud

And I am

Are you?


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