Support for Indie Authors discussion

34 views
Archived Workshop No New Posts > Blurb: Help me!

Comments Showing 1-7 of 7 (7 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Dionne (new)

Dionne | 25 comments Not sure if this goes here. If not, let me know or put it in the right spot. I'm kind of new to posting here, I think.

Anyway I have a blurb for my book that I'm writing. Actually, I'm editing it and had worked on the blurb. I was wondering for some feedback. Is it working? Yes no, maybe. I could do with the help. At the moment I'm feeling out of my depth here.

"A WORLD IN CHAOS! A PROPHECY COMES TO PASS!

A group of the goddess' priestesses go arrive at the temple they discover a Prophecy will come to pass. A Prophecy which may mean a change in Shlashia.

Niema, a young woman working in a tavern has an experience one night when she goes on an errand for her boss at the local tavern in Hogomik. She discovers she is a Sorceress, the first of a group of Magical women. She must learn her craft and go on a journey to bring Shlashia out of the darkness.

Now traveling with Qaekath, a Warrior of Raiteous, the protector for the Sorceress, and joined by Clogg and the dwarf Gantielamona, Niema heads for Caritha to right the lies Clogg and his people told them. They fight against the evil, which Lord Giranth has sent out in search for the Sorceress while battling their way through to Caritha. Later, Niema joined by Snow Animals and continue on their journey.

They arrive at their destination only to have to battle Zymas. Will Niema win this battle or will the world turn to evil...forever?


message 2: by C.B., Beach Body Moderator (new)

C.B. Archer | 1090 comments Mod
Hello Dionne,

This is indeed the right spot for Blurb Help.

I don't think it is too far off the mark, but it could be tightened up. Stick to the very important things, for example this line:

Later, Niema joined by Snow Animals and continue on their journey.

It doesn't sound vital enough to bring up in the blurb. There are a few moments like that, which could either be removed or altered to give this more punch.

Also, it does need an edit. I understand this is your working draft though, but I had times of getting lost in the words trying to understand them. :)

For example, there is an extra 'go' right here. priestesses go arrive

good luck!


message 3: by Denae (new)

Denae Christine (denaechristine) | 167 comments I'm going to follow CB's suggestions and help you cut the word count (so you can include the really important stuff).


A group of the goddess' priestesses go arrive at the temple they discover a Prophecy will come to pass. A Prophecy which may mean awill bring change in Shlashia.

Niema, a young tavern worker woman working in a tavern has an experience one night when she goes on an errand for her boss at the local tavern in Hogomik. She discovers she is a Sorceress , the first of a group of Magical women. She must learn her craft and go on a journey to bring Shlashia out of the darkness.

Now traveling with Qaekath, a Warrior of Raiteous, the protector for the Sorceress, and joined by a Raiteous Warrior, snow animals, Clogg, and the dwarf Gantielamona, Niema heads for Caritha to right the lies Clogg and his people told them. They fight against the evil, which Lord Giranth's evil forces which has sent out in search for the Sorceress while battling their way through to Caritha. Later, Niema joined by Snow Animals and continue on their journey.

They arrive at their destination only to have to battle Zymas. Will Niema win this battle or will the world turn to evil...forever?


Feels like too many names to me.
Mentioning the snow animals is cool, but there's really not much here that tells me this book is different from most other epic fantasies. As a reader, I want to know what Niema can do. Can she stop time? Can she command the wind? Can she shoot purple lightning from her elbows?
Also, what about this whole mess makes the stakes personal? Does Niema suddenly learn Zymas is her father? Does she discover she is part dwarf? Maybe she has a wasting disease that can only be cured in Caritha. Maybe the real reason Lord Giranth is hunting her is because she is the only one who can harm him.


message 4: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4310 comments Mod
Denae is definitely on the right track. Take her advice. Your blurb is heavy with superfluous words and far too many names. Focus on what the story is about and not telling the whole story in the blurb. Give us a hint of what makes your story unique. Why would a reader want to read it over all the other stories about young sorcerers trying to save the world?


message 5: by Dionne (new)

Dionne | 25 comments yeah I should have left out the fact she discovers what/who the Sorceresses were or are. This blurb was probably the second one I'd done having thrown out the first thinking that was too much.


message 6: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Hellooo, Miss Dionne! Nice to meet ya!!

Hmm. Personally, I feel as though your blurb reads a tiny bit more like a synopsis vs. an actual blurb. What I mean is, we already know they'll make it to their destination. The only thing we don't know is if they'll defeat the bad guys at the end, ya know? Plus, we get all these names (which are great names, btw!) but we don't know who they are yet so it's not terribly relevant if that makes no sense at all? LMAO!!

Anyhoo, here's what I would do with what you have...


A WORLD IN CHAOS! A PROPHECY COMES TO PASS!

A group of the goddess' priestesses go arrive at the temple they discover a Prophecy will come to pass. A Prophecy which may mean a change in Shlashia.


[insert a compelling sentence, which explains the "dark" state Shlashia is currently in]

Niema, A young woman working in a tavern worker has an experience one night when she goes on an errand for her boss at the local tavern in Hogomik. She just discovered she is a Sorceress, the first of a group of Magical women. Accompanied by only her protector, a [whatever Clogg is], and a dwarf, Niema She must learn her craft and go on a embarks on a journey to Caritha to bring Shlashia out of the darkness.

But Lord Giranth has other plans. He [does some bada** stuff].

Will they reach their destination and defeat the [description of the Zymas]? Or will the world be swallowed by evil forever?

Now traveling with Qaekath, a Warrior of Raiteous, the protector for the Sorceress, and joined by Clogg and the dwarf Gantielamona, Niema heads for Caritha to right the lies Clogg and his people told them. They fight against the evil, which Lord Giranth has sent out in search for the Sorceress while battling their way through to Caritha. Later, Niema joined by Snow Animals and continue on their journey.

They arrive at their destination only to have to battle Zymas. Will Niema win this battle or will the world turn to evil...forever?



To be honest, I'm not super intrigued by this shortened version either. It still reads as, "Girl is sorceress. LOTR-type group journeys across the land. Chased by evil. Reaches destination anyway. Epic battle ensues."

I kinda sorta dig blurbs that give me (much) less of the plot and more interesting details or nuggets. I wanna know what sets your story apart from all the others in its genre cuz I'm sure there's a lot that does ^_~

Just my free cents, of course!! Hope that helps some!

Hugs,
Ann


message 7: by Dionne (new)

Dionne | 25 comments Oh. A lot to think on. It's kind of my first time doing blurbs. Mainly I do synopsis hence this little tidbit of mine. Recently, I've had to shift gears from the synopsis, but as you can see, it's hard. My mind keeps going back to it at times.

I'm still working on it though. *grins*

Thinking of maybe using a passage from the book though. But first there's some things I want to work on it before I do that. My favorite author does that. In fact a lot of them did, from what I've read.

I'll post that as a blurb later though.


back to top