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message 1: by Melissa (last edited Oct 11, 2016 11:45AM) (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments After much writing and rewriting I feel I finally have a blurb I like, but I would like to know what you all think. It's for a fantasy/murder mystery set in a 1940-ish time period rather than the usual medieval setting.

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Misfortune does not play favorites. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, sorcerer and former investigator, has been banished from the city she once called home, her prestigious career little more than bitter memory she'd rather forget. With job options few for a woman in her situation, she settles for tour guide in the backwater magic woodland known as the Gela Wey.

Issachar, a being of magic in human form once powerful and free, finds himself bound to Adeline in order to repay a debt by healing from a torment that still haunts his nightmares.

For Adeline and Issachar, life is a far cry from what they want it to be, but at least it's peaceful.

Until someone in their small town is murdered. The tranquility both Adeline and Issachar had finally achieved is shattered by a past they had hoped to leave behind, while creatures thought to be vanquished hide in the shadows, adding to the death toll. Adeline and Issachar must find a way to save the Gela Wey from history repeating, with only the hope that they'll come out of their investigation alive.

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What do you think? Good, bad, ugly? Fine as is or could use some tweaking?


message 2: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments I think it might be a bit too long, and you might be repeating Adeline and Issachar too often.

The idea is, I think, good. But this just feels a bit too fuzzy.


message 3: by Annabelle (new)

Annabelle Costa | 62 comments I love the first two paragraphs and the last.... really well written. The middle seems a little off. Maybe because you spent twice as long talking about Adeline than you did about Issachar, so it seems uneven. Maybe if you condensed the Adeline paragraph into a single sentence, then combined it with the Issachar paragraph?


message 4: by Claudia (last edited Oct 13, 2016 01:58PM) (new)

Claudia | 7 comments You have a lot of info with a lot of words. Could we tighten this up with fewer words and still convey the story? How does something like this sound to you, if I inferred correctly that they share a dark past, are now together, and the creatures are responsible for the murders. Also, is Issachar a sorcerer, a warlock or something else? I couldn't find a smooth way to include magic being in human form, but think stating that he is something other than human like you did a good idea.

Misfortune does not play favorites. Neither does death. Not even for a sorcerer.

Banished from her home and her career as an investigator, sorceress Adeline Moress settles in the magical woodland, Gela Way, where she's now, a tour guide. Bound together by a dark past they share and which still haunts Issachar, the two have made a peaceful life together, albeit not the one they wanted.
When murder strikes Gela Way, the past they thought they'd left behind shatters the present, and creatures thought long dead, strike from the shadows. As the death toll rises, and they relive the past, can they stop the murders - and survive?

I really like your story line.


message 5: by Melissa (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments Okay so after much overhauling I came up with this...

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Misfortune favors no one. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, government sorcerer to the Emperor, has been been banished from the city she called home. With few career options for a woman in exile, she settles in the small town of Fensworth on the edge of the empire, scraping by as a tour guide for the immense woodland known as the Gela Wey – a place steeped in magic, as well as a dark history. Yet barely a month in and she suddenly finds herself the keeper of a fractious being of magic named Issachar, bound to her until he can heal from the torments of his former master.

Living a life stuck with each other within a magical forest is a far cry from ideal, but at least they can say it's uneventful.

Until someone in town is murdered. The tranquility both Adeline and Issachar were just starting to achieve is shattered by the pasts they had hoped they'd left behind, while creatures thought to be vanquished lurk within the shadows, adding to the death toll. Adeline and Issachar must find a way to save the Gela Wey from history repeating, with only the hope that they'll come out of their investigation alive.


message 6: by Carole (new)

Carole P. Roman That's really good. Could you say they have to team up instead of find a way or Adeline and Issachar must put aside their difference to find a way?


message 7: by Aislinn (new)

Aislinn | 150 comments Melissa wrote: "Okay so after much overhauling I came up with this...

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Misfortune favors no one. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, government sorcerer to the Emperor, has been been banished fr..."


Melissa, I like the blurb! It sounds very intriguing. I'd read it! My only issue is that I don't get any of the 1940's setting that you mentioned. I suppose that might come out in the cover, but it's just something to think about for the blurb. If I had only read the blurb, I would have thought that it was a standard fantasy setting - forest, town, etc.

(You've also got an extra 'been' in that first line!)


message 8: by Melissa (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments Aislinn wrote: "Melissa wrote: "Okay so after much overhauling I came up with this...

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Misfortune favors no one. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, government sorcerer to the Emperor, has been ..."


Thanks! :D

I'm not quite sure how I would be able to convey the time period though. I suppose I could just use an actual date but I'm reluctant since it might give people the impression the story takes place in our world.


message 9: by Aislinn (last edited Oct 14, 2016 12:53PM) (new)

Aislinn | 150 comments Melissa wrote: "Aislinn wrote: "Melissa wrote: "Okay so after much overhauling I came up with this...

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Misfortune favors no one. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, government sorcerer to the Em..."


I don't know your book, but I'd try to offer hints. Like, how does she conduct her tours? Is there any descriptive word about the towns/cities/etc that you could use (eg. 'sprawling metropolis')

I don't know how the person was murdered, but if it was a more modern weapon that could be useful.

Or, if you wanted to go the film noir vibe, you could use words like 'dame' and 'gum shoe'.

Hope that helps somewhat!


message 10: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
Melissa wrote: "Okay so after much overhauling I came up with this..."

Oh, dear. While Aislinn is looking for more information, I'm looking for a tighter blurb. Good example of how you, the author, will have to decide which is the best way.

I like the second blurb better, but if it were mine, I'd get it crazy tight. Maybe like this:

Adeline Moress, former government sorcerer is a woman in exile, scraping by as a tour guide for the woodland known as the Gela Wey – a place steeped in magic and dark history. She finds herself suddenly the keeper of a fractious being of magic named Issachar, bound to her until he can heal from the torments of his former master.

The tranquility both Adeline and Issachar are just starting to achieve is shattered when someone in town is murdered, while creatures thought to be vanquished lurk within the shadows, adding to the death toll. Adeline and Issachar must find a way to save the Gela Wey from history repeating, with only the hope that they'll come out of their investigation alive.



message 11: by Melissa (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments Okay, this time I tried for a happy medium, tightening it up a a bit while hopefully at least conveying that this isn't going to be a story set in the usual fantasy setting.

Misfortune favors no one. Neither does death.

Adeline Moress, government sorcerer and investigator, has been banished. With job options few for a woman in exile, she settles in the small town of Fensworth, scraping by as a tour guide for the town's pride and joy, the vast woodland known as the Gela Wey – a place steeped in magic, as well as a dark history. She soon finds herself the caretaker of a fractious being of magic named Issachar, bound to her until he can heal from the torments of his former master.

But the peace and quiet of small town life is shattered when a resident is found murdered. Creatures thought to be long vanquished lurk within the shadows, adding to the death toll. Both Adeline and Issachar must find a way to prevent history from repeating, with only the hope that they'll come out of their investigation alive.


message 12: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
Melissa wrote: "Okay, this time I tried for a happy medium, tightening it up a a bit..."

I like this one a lot. The only bit that bothers me at all is the opening two lines. I'm not fond of blurbs that generalize a universal truth before telling what the story is about. I like to get to the characters and plot right away. But, that's just me. If you feel the people that would enjoy your book would be drawn in by a blurb with an opening like that, go for it!


message 13: by Melissa (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments Dwayne wrote: "Melissa wrote: "Okay, this time I tried for a happy medium, tightening it up a a bit..."

I like this one a lot. The only bit that bothers me at all is the opening two lines. I'm not fond of blurbs..."


Yeah, reading over the blurb as it is, it's not really needed. Initially it was because the start of my blurb as rather bland and I felt I needed more of a hook. So it's expendable.


message 14: by Dylan (new)

Dylan Callens | 193 comments It's improved a lot from the start until now. The only thing that I don't like is that passive phrase in the first sentence, " has been banished", especially since the rest of the blurb is present.

Otherwise, I'm hooked.


message 15: by Christina (last edited Oct 14, 2016 06:58PM) (new)

Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) Dang, how'd I miss this? I think what you have is great, but if you did want to convey something about the setting, you could perhaps add a like like, "But life suddenly becomes like one of their beloved radio dramas when a person is murdered..."


message 16: by Claudia (new)

Claudia | 7 comments I agree with Dylan about the passive "has been banished", other wise I really like your latest blurb! We know who, and what, your characters are and their relationship is clear. We know something bad from the past is repeating and the danger is great. It's shorter but conveys something of the plot without going overboard. Like it.!


message 17: by Melissa (new)

Melissa Jensen (kdragon) | 468 comments Claudia wrote: "I agree with Dylan about the passive "has been banished", other wise I really like your latest blurb! We know who, and what, your characters are and their relationship is clear. We know something b..."

Thank you :D And thanks to everyone for your help. I think I'm now ready to actually get this thing published.


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