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message 1: by A.S.Lorenz (new)

A.S.Lorenz | 3 comments Hi Everyone!.
I recently have finished drafting my prologue and first chapter (3rd draft) and it would be awesome if one of you could read it and give an opinion about it as well as any areas i can improve in.


A cloud of black smoke had ascended above the dwarf capital of Almgard. A battle had taken place outside the city ancient stone walls and had ended minutes before with the oppressors in disarray and routing. For the past three months the Dragonmasters, as well as the dwaves of Stondarr, the remaining nordians of the icebound country of Nordia, the plains folk of Mennar as well as the vast legions of elves from the southern forest land named Elvenwood had been fighting the nordian insurgency nicknamed kapinalliset-meaning traitors in the local tongue. The Kapinalliset recruited its followers from outlaws, thieves, murderers and disloyal soldiers. By assassinating the Jarl of Nordia, a war was declared on Kapinalliset. Over the next three months, the size of Kapinalliset grew as well as it's territory. No matter how hard the people fought, Kapinalliset were unstoppable.
However, in the thick of battle, two dragonmasters, Peter and Celestia broke away from the fighting and had killed the leaders of the Kapinalliset. Because of this, the enemy disheartened and routed, with their opponents hot in pursuit.
However, one dragonmaster stayed behind.

Valorn Lupeiros walked through the empty battlefield, with only the dead and dying for company. Bloodied corpses lay out in every direction around him. The smell of blood filled his nose.
A harsh cry brought Valorn out of his trance of despair, but when he looked up at the source of the noise it was merely a murder of crows preparing to feast on the dead. But all this meant nothing to Lupeiros. He needed to find his two friends, Peter and Celestia before something more sinister did.
Valorn became furious when he could not find them. He kicked a body of a fallen enemy away and spat on it. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a pile of bodies belonging to the enemy. Valorn briskly walked over to it and stretched out his arm.
Immediately after a wall of fire emitted from Lupeiros's hand, incinerating the bodies and leaving grey ash behind.
Once Lupeiros was satisfied, he walked on through the desolation.
''Valorn, I see them. They are on the hill to your right'' bellowed Valorn's ebony coloured dragon named Deranore flying over him.
Lupeiros ran, tripping over the bodies of both his comrades and foes.
The hill was around seven hundred metres in front of him.
When he had reached the hill, Valorn gazed at his friends.
Deranore sniffed each one and then turned to Valorn.
''Celestia is dead''.
Valorn rushed forward and knelt next to her.
Celestia's beautiful face was ruined by a long scar that covered from her left ear to her chin.
Along her chest were large cuts and one her thigh a large silver axe was jammed.
Lupeiros then turned to Peter.
Peter's handsome elf face was scarred and bruised.
His left hand was broken and when Lupeiros examined him he fond that several ribs were broken. But there was something else.
A long, black spear was probed into Peter's left side, with a pool of blood flowing out like a river.
Desperation came over Valorn.
He knew that neither magic or potions would save his best friend.
Peter slowly opened his eyes.
When Peter raised his left arm, a sharp, ear-piercing cry came from him.
Valorn threw off his fur cloak and placed it on top of Peter, who groaned in agony.
Peter looked at the Valorn.
Suddenly Peter swung to the right and nauseated.
Valorn patted Peter on the back as he coughed up blood and a black liquid.
When Peter had regained control of his stomach, Valorn helped lower Peter to the ground.
''Shh, rest easy now''.
''I know I am dying''.
''No, you are not'' replied Valorn struggling to keep himself together.
Peter chuckled slowly.
''I know I am... but I have something to tell you''.
''What is it, friend?''.
''Celestia and I...had a son''.
Lupeiros looked dumbfounded as well as amazed at the news.
Then he realised that that must have been the reason why Celestia had only joined the fighting weeks before.
''What is his name?''.
''Algoth... his name is Algoth''.
''A good name, like his father''.
Peter smiled painfully.
''He.. is at her brother's house, in Farraige''.
Peter grasped Valorn with his right hand and remaining strength.
''Promise me... to keep him safe''.
A tea came off Valorn's cheek.
''Of course''.
A look of appreciation came on Peter's face.
''Thank you''.
And with that, Peter's eyes slowly dimmed and his soul passed into the void.

Lupeiros was now weeping.
He embraced Cecelia and Peter and wept.
Deranore bowed his head and closed his eyes in grief.
And Valorn stayed.
For what were hours seemed to Valorn like centuries.
For four hours he stayed with Peter and Cecelia, at times weeping or at times just staring at them, deep in grief and despair.
Deranore often tried to convince Valorn to leave, but Lupeiros did not budge.
After nearly three and a half hours Deranore knew that the sun would soon set, leaving Valorn exposed in the cold.
So he flew back to Almgard to bring help as well as to deliver the painful news.

A gentle pat on the shoulder brought Valorn back to reality.
He smacked the hand away and cried ''Leave me!!''.
He stood up and turned around.
In front of him were 6 dragonmasters.
The one who patted him was an elf named Filvendor, the burly normandian next to him was Galdor. Next to Galdor stood the two vampire dragonmasters, Adrian and Thelma and the dragonmaster ghost Amelia Heavansby..
On the other side of Galdor stood Headmaster Magnus Iblioca, whose expression was dire and forlorn.
Silence was heard for a long while, as the six looked at the bodies in pity and sadness.
''They sacrificed themselves, to save us all'' said the vampire Adrian finally, holding on to his wife Thelma's hand.
''Aye, they did'' replied Galdor.
More silence followed while Filvendor uttered an elf prayer ''
Di veteris. Suscipe animas vitamque alteram defer Cecelia Petri, et de pace ac felicitate vitam turpissimam venit inde mundum''.
''There is one thing, a promise that I made to Peter before he passed'' said Valorn.
The others looked at him with interest.
''And what might that be?'' asked Magnus placing his hands on his oak staff.
''Cecelia, had a son''.
''What?!'' exclaimed the group.
''It's true''.
''Do you know where this boy is?'' asked Thelma stepping forward.
''He is in Farraige, and I was sworn to protect him''.
''If the enemy were to ever find him...'' started Adrian.
''He could be in danger at this very minute'' finished Filvendor, his face now with worry.
''I cannot do this alone, but then I don't know who I trust anymore'' said Valorn.
''What would you have us do?'' asked Amelia.
''Swear, on the bodies of Peter and Cecelia, that you will protect their son from harm, or die in the attempt''.
The group at first was startled by Valorn's request.
Then one by one each member of the group came forward and pledged themselves.
Just as they were about to leave, Filvendor announced ''Our group must have a name''.
''I have one'' said Adrian, ''The Vanguard''.
''Yes, yes that is good'' said Galdor with a grin as he stepped onto his dragon.
''Lupeiros, what is the child's name?'' asked Magnus.
''His name is Algoth''.

Chapter 1

12 Years Later

In the central country of Mennar and inside the walls of Farraige on the bustling Pencie street lived an adolescent boy named Algoth
Algoth was a tall lad, with pale skin and deep oak eyes.
His hair was a coffee brown, often reaching the top of his neck.
Algoth was more agile than strong.
He had a very curious nature, much like a cat, and he had always wanted to explore the world and learn it's secrets. Algoth lived with his Uncle, Thomas.
Thomas was a muscular man, whose hair was in a bowl cut and was jet black.
His chestnut eyes were always scanning wherever he looked, as his trade demanded it.
Thomas worked as a fisherman at the harbour in Farraige.
From around the ninth hour all the way till sunset he worked, catching fish and then selling them to the market.
The fishmonger liked Thomas, as he brought the most fish to the market.
The locals called Thomas a 'chwedl' which meant legendary.
He was also gifted in the knowledge of tides and the weather.
Algoth knew that Thomas could predict a storm days before it smashed the shoreline, or predict an early winter or summer.
These gifts were very much admired by the townsfolk, however Thomas never really acknowledged it, for he was a very quiet man.

The house in which Thomas and his nephew Algoth lived was a two story house.
It was quite compact and mass produced like the other houses in the street.
A low cobbled wall stood at the front, with an iron gate leading into the front garden, where on the right grew a vegetable patch.
The vegetable patch was a gift from neighbours a few years ago and both of them maintained it.
The vegetable patch grew turnips, garlic, parsley, and potatoes.
The majority of the house was made of stone bricks, with the roof made from a combination of oak and spruce, both of which were imported from Elvenwood.
Directly inside the house was the kitchen and to the right was the dining room and stairs leading to the second level.
To the right of the kitchen was the family room, which was where Algoth read.
A trapdoor in the family room led down to the underground pantry.
Upstairs were three rooms.
The first room on the left was the guest room, the second room on the left was Algoth's room and the room on the right was Thomas's room.
Algoths room had a bed facing the wall, a desk in which Algoth kept his books, and at the front of the bed was a large, oak chest in which Algoth kept his clothes.
The backyard's most distinguishing feature was an old well, covered in ivy.
A pine tree grew in the right corner and Algoth used it as his practise target for archery.

Algoth had a schedule which was obeyed everyday apart from Sunday.
He would wake up at 7th hour and would go out in the chilly, wet morning air to the well in the backyard to fetch water for tea.
Soon after he would help his uncle set and make breakfast which was oats and milk.
Once Thomas had left the house to go to the docks, Algoth would leave and go two houses down the street to Aunt Rosie for lessons. Aunt Rosie was not a relative of Algoth.
Her real name was Rosa Perrigrims but she was widowed when her husband who fought in Mennar's navy and was killed in action 12 years ago. She often described her late husband as being kind and adventurous.

At the 13th hour, Algoth would go home and have a late lunch and would then would clean for an hour and attend to the vegetable garden.
Then he did whatever he wanted until his uncle got home.
Algoth would either go down to Mennar's bustling harbour and watch the tall ships enter and leave.

Algoth occasionally visited the bookstore which was also a library, run and maintained by an old elf named Fillian.
Fillian was short, coming from a rare breed of elves.
His skin was a pale green colour and his eyes were a blood red.
His ears were also far more accentuated and pointier than most elves.
Inside the bookshop, it had hundreds of books but the amount was small compared to what Fillian had told him.
He said that in the distant elven capital of Arkhum there were libraries so big that they spanned several city blocks and had up to 9 storeys of books.
Algoth visited the library twice or sometimes thrice a month to borrow, return and occasionally buy books.
(Out of characters)

message 2: by A.S.Lorenz (new)

A.S.Lorenz | 3 comments Algoth read history texts of the many races of Canta Regni, such as of vampires, dwarves and other strange and bizarre minorities as well as ballads, folklore, poems and minstrel comedies.

Although Algoth loved Farraige deeply, it never felt truly home for him.
In his heart, he always felt a strong attraction to the northern mountains. At times, he felt a drawing sensation from those mountains as well as distant roars. He had asked his uncle on many occasions what had happened to his parents., to which Thomas would explain that while travelling to Mennar's capital Forum, they were attacked by bandits and killed. The whole town knew this, and often expressed sympathy towards the two.
Little did Algoth know that in the new future strange events would take place, and that soon he will begin the ultimate journey.
It all began with the arrival of a strange visitor.
(The other part that got cut off)

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