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Short Story Contest > [2016, Aug] The Grave of Ulalume

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message 1: by Maira (new)

Maira | 5852 comments Mod
The skies they were ashen and sober;
The leaves they were crispéd and sere—
The leaves they were withering and sere;
It was night in the lonesome October
Of my most immemorial year;
It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
In the misty mid region of Weir—
It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

Wiley Kay

The sky meant everything to Wiley Key, even in his dreams. He’d had been sauntering for three days, carrying half of the legend in his bag. He was aware of his path, but unaware of his destination in this gigantic desert. He kept on strolling in the lonesome October.

Kendall Pridgen

The land meant everything to Kendall Pridgen, even for his body. He had been strolling for two days with half of the legend in his mind. He was unaware of his path but aware of his destination in this vast desert. He kept on ambling in the lonesome October.

Isais Giles

Nothing meant anything to Isais Giles. He’d had been walking and resting for one day with nothing, but a key. He was unaware of his path and unaware of his destination; looking for help in an endless desert. He kept on relaxing at every point in the lonesome October.

Here once, through an alley Titanic,
Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul—
Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
These were days when my heart was volcanic
As the scoriac rivers that roll—
As the lavas that restlessly roll
Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
In the ultimate climes of the pole—
That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
In the realms of the boreal pole.

Wiley Key

Wiley slurped the last drop of water from his rubber made water container. It seemed wretched to continuing trudging without any certain destination, but he had to do something before – before there was a fire in the sky.

It was tough for him to walk in this toasting heat of the sun, but it was just exhausting for him to carry all the weight what he was supporting. His thin white shirt, brown cotton pants were completely drenched in sweat. He wanted to take off his long black boots, but he did not want to walk on the sand barefoot. Only the cowboy hat was a means of solace for him in this torturous heat. He also had a dagger on the right of his belt, just in case. However, the heftiest thing that he carried was five liters of petrol in a container. The desert was generally cold at nights. At length, there was nothing to see, but uneven sand and nothing to hear, but the warm air. Just then an unwelcome voice reached his ear from behind:

“Pardon me, sir,” Wiley did not turn around but he did stop for a while, “where might be Land of Fifty Lakes?”

Wiley's eyed him perplexed because that was the exact place where he was going.

“What deed do you intend to commit there?” asked Wiley without turning or scrutinizing the person behind him.

“Ah…sir, forgive my rudeness, but I do not feel like shedding light on my objective for you,” said the voice of the man behind Wiley.

Wiley slowly turned around and locked eyes with the man behind him steadily replying:

“The grave of Ulalume”

A horror took grasp of the man as if someone has taken away his breath.

“I am unmindful of what you mean to convey” he lied.

“Then what could a man be doing in the heat of lonesome October, in this desert?” asked Wiley, cunningly, “the grave of the witch Ulalume only rises from the lake during the month of October somewhere in the Land of Fifty Rivers.”

“I don’t know –” the stranger endeavor to lie again, but he realized that there was no privilege in making up stories, “Ah…I confess I was trying to dodge you, but for a good reason. I have been in seeking of this journey for seven years and what I want to do is possess the brain of the witch Ulalume. Her brain conceals ultimate knowledge that I want for myself only.”

“That is none of my business, all I want to know is; in which lake does the tomb of Ulalume rise.”

“I can only bestow you that knowledge if you grant me the path; can you do that?”

“I am no fool who will give you half of the legend –”
“Exactly my point – you have half of the legend in with you then and I have the other half memorized in my mind. Your wisdom and my knowledge can make history. Why don’t we help one another?”

“Why don’t we keep our distance and realistic when it's time to be reasonable”

“Fair enough,” said the stranger, “My name is Kendall Pridgen,” He drew his hand towards Wiley

“That’s not my business either,” replied Wiley insolently, refusing to shake hands and began to amble, “follow me.”

Wiley merely took two steps ahead when he turned around and asked Kendall:

“Do you have water that you wish to share?”

“Oh yes,” said Kendall and hysterically searching for water in his huge bag. “A moment please”

Wiley was astounded by the magnitude of the bag that Kendall was carrying and what was more bewildering that he was wearing a long think coat in this blazing heat and nor he was wearing any hat neither was he sweating.

“Here you go sir,” said Kendall giving a rubber container of water to Willey, “you may conserve it all. I don’t drink water, I am Bodobolls. I wish to aid fellow passenger as much as I can”

Of course, he was Bodobolls, he had ebony skin, dark eyes, round face and heavy body. Wiley might’ve guessed it himself in a while.

Wiley took the water with left hand, drew out his right hand and said, “My name is Wiley Kay”. Kendall gladly shook hands with Wiley.

Wiley drank a bit of water from the bottle when suddenly Kendall asked, “Are you a Demorial?”

The water choked out of Wiley’s mouth with a cough, “How do you –”

“Oh pardon me, none of my business – none of my business,” said Kendall in a very meek tone, “shall we move on”

Wiley kept on looking at Kendall with wide eyes, as he passed by him.

message 2: by Maira (new)

Maira | 5852 comments Mod
Kendall Pridgen

They ploded for hours with utter silence. Not because Kendall won't ask anything, but because Wiley won’t say much in response.

Kendall was extremely fond of communicating. He just adored bragging the amount of knowledge he possessed. He believed every person has a weak point at which they would bust out with words, but it was becoming hard to find Wiley’s weak point.

“So what attracts to you to Land of Fifty Lakes?” asked Kendall.

Kendall expected that Wiley will proclaim that it is none of his business, but just did not reply, instead, he just kept on marching.

“You don’t believe in talking much?” Kendall retired.

“No, I believe in thinking for talking,” replied Wiley

“Doesn't such attitude denote lack of knowledge?”

“There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge comes from books and wisdom from thinking. No doubt knowledge might give you the power to speak, but wisdom helps you to know when one should not speak, they are two parallel things with different destination”

“Your wisdom seems to overpower my knowledge”

Wiley looked at Kendall for a while and asked while they were still walking:

“How come you guessed I was Demorial?”

“I heard this place was full of Demorial.”

“But I don’t belong to this place nor am I full Demorial”

“Where might you be from? – oh sorry none of my business”

And neither did Wiley contributed anymore. They kept in trekking in silence.

Isaias Giles

Isaias kept on sitting on a large stone, under the sun of the desert. He took out the key from a small metal bag and thought that what if he went back to his village with nothing more than disappointment. He felt he had made promises he couldn’t keep. He also felt that he made a mistake that no man would ever forgive.

Isaias was not very hard working, but rather a lucky man – he still was not sure what made him lucky. He was just an uneducated man, but his friends told him that he was smart – smart as in cunning. His family was the most respected family in the village because his family possessed – the key. Naturally, there were a lot of expectations from him.

Just when he was about to lose hope in his journey he saw two extremely tall men (well they were quite tall for him as he was himself just four-feet tall) were going somewhere. It was awkward because in this lonesome October not many people use to come over to this desert.

“Excuse me,” he called as he was running toward them, “Wait up please.”

Well, it took Isaias sometime to approach them. As he finally stood next to them, he caught his breath.

“Well gentlemen,” said Isaias still catching his breath, “Where might you be going to?”

Both the man exchanged looks, showing reluctance in responding to his question.

“Well, sir,” said the black in a long coat after a while, “we were just going to Village of Shobones”

“That’s uncanny sir,” said Isaias, “the village of Shobones is way behind. As a matter of fact, I belong to the village of Shobones.”

“Oh, I see maybe we –”

“Well wherever we might be going we don’t feel answerable to you,” the second man chipped in and grabbed the black’s arm to move forward.

“Oh I don’t mean to offend you, my good sir,” said Isaias, blocking the second man’s path, “But so far your enthusiasm has propounded me your purpose, and I promise that I can be of much aid to you, as I have the key”

“Key?” the black one exclaimed.

“The key that will open the tomb of the witch Ulalume.”

For a moment both men lost their breath, maybe not because the Isaias had explored their purpose, but because he was telling them that was not in their knowledge.

“What is this deception?” exploded the second man, “I read of no key in my half of legend.”

“As a matter of fact Wiley,” said the black man gently, “I did read of a key, but I never bestowed it much gravity. I thought that I could simply break in through the entrance.”

“You are very wrong my good sir,” said Isaisa, “The door has been magically sealed by a good wizard and it can only be opened by this key. The good wizard gave this key to my forefathers; it has been in our family for a hundred years now. I will be very happy to help you both, but you must also tell me how you can help me in return.”

“As I have one-half of the legend and this man here has the other half, he knows the path and I know the destination” said the black man, “and I think we –” looking at the second man – “I will be much obliged to help you and take your services in return, but please tell me what is that you want from the grave of Ulalume?”

“Our village has not received rainfall for years now. Our elders say that we can only get food without rain only if we sow a witch’s heart at the altar of the God of Food. Then all crops in every farm can grow even without water. As a matter of fact, the heart of the witch Ulalume has great powers in it”

“That clings my fret,” said the black man, “I want to possess the brain of the witch. As the legend say that whosoever will possess the brain of the witch will receive ultimate knowledge.”

Isaias smiled and the black man and looked at the second man who was still gazing at both of them sharply.

“And you, sir,” Isaias asked the second man, “Do you find yourself lucky to find me or am I lucky to find you?”

“We all bear our own luck,” said the man dryly, “Let's move on.”

“My name is Isaias Gailes,” though he said it to the second man but the black man responded more warmly.

“My name is Kendall Pridgen and this is Wiley Kay,” he gestured towards Wiley, who started walking ahead of them. “He believes is thinking before talking.”

Isaias let out muffled laughter, “The people who think before they talk are somewhat cute. They live the half of everybody's full life. They kill themselves too soon, but they don’t let themselves be buried soon either. Morally happy rationally disturbed.”

“Ah…I like the sarcasm in your tone” said Kendall with a huge smile, “What makes you speak so boldly?”

“Lack of knowledge.”

“My my, am I hearing you correctly?”

“Depends on how hygienic your ear is.”

Kendall laughed wholeheartedly and said, “But really why might you think that lack of knowledge will make you speak more richly”

“Well, sir –”

“Call me Kendall.”

“Oh then Mr. Kendall –”

“No, just Kendall.”

“Ok, Mr. Just Kendall,” Kendall just laughed and did not struggle anymore, “I am an uneducated man. I assume, that when there is less knowledge there is more freedom, there is always forgiveness for lack of knowledge.”

“But there is no forgiveness for ignorance.”

“Indeed, Mr. Just Kendall.”

Our talk had been serious and sober,
But our thoughts they were palsied and sere—
Our memories were treacherous and sere—
For we knew not the month was October,
And we marked not the night of the year—
(Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
We noted not the dim lake of Auber—
(Though once we had journeyed down here)—
We remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

message 3: by Maira (new)

Maira | 5852 comments Mod
Kendall Pridgen

Kendall was eventually feeling some relishes in this journey as he finally had someone to communicate with him, as Wiley was a hard man to keep up with, but Isaias was wonderful company. He talked even more than Kendall himself did.

“So Isaias, can you enlighten me about your village – Shobones?,” asked Kendall.

“Oh yes,” said Isaias, as if something came back to his mind “How were you informed of my village?”

“I read about places before I visit them,” he answered, “I collected all about this place, but the Land Of Fifty Lakes is still a mystery to me as it was no were to be found on the map. The exact location of it is in the legend that is carried by him.” He revealed pointing at Wiley who was walking way ahead of them.

“Who is he?” Isaias whispered.

“He?” inquired Kendall, “He is a Demorial, that’s all I guessed.”

“Hmm…whats a Demorial?”

“Oh, you really do have a lack of knowledge. A Demorial is a race that is very popular, but not much liked.”

“Why that might be?”

“It’s said that these Demorial have that power to see the future in their dreams.”

“Oh so they are called Demorial, indeed I have heard of them.”

“But people don’t admire them much.”


“They are often condemned for their over activeness. It is true that they can see the future but people hate them when they try to change the future. They always try to change the future when they see it.”

“What do you suggest that he seeks from witch Ulalume?”


At night they decided to rest. The desert became unusually cold as it was expected. Kendall was carrying a bit of wood in his huge bag. However, he did not have the fuel to burn. He asked Wiley give them fuel he was carrying which he gave with great reluctance. However, he did give a bit of fuel to burn the wood. Within sometime Wiley and Isaias sat close to fire as it became extremely cold, but Kendall still did not feel cold.

“Does not cold bother you?” asked Isaias to Kendall, as all of them were sitting next to the fire.

“Heat does not bother me either, and nor do I feel wind touching me,” answered Kendall.

“Oh you are those people who –”

“Yes, I am Bodobolls.”

“Bodobolls? What's that?”

“Oh, you really do have a lack of knowledge. We Bodobolls are a race that doesn't have blood in our bodies. We are just made of meat and bone. We don’t possess a heart, but by no mean, it means we are barbaric.”

“I concur; you are the most benevolent folk I met in my life; however if you don’t believe bleed does that mean that you are immortal”

“No, that just suggests that it is tough to kill use. It is a hefty task to kill a Bodobolls,” said Kendall with a huge smile and continued, “My grandfather illuminated me a bit with our war period. We won almost all war because wounds don’t seem to bother us. We might only be terminated if our head is separated from our body. Yet it might not be our end. My grandfather told me a war was going out of their hand, in which our King was killed as his head was separated from his body, but after three days something unhappy happened.”

Kendall talked with such enthusiasm that not only Isaias was taking an interest, but even Wiley paid heed.

“Something that was deemed impossible,” Kendall continued, “The enemy and our men started shouting, ‘The head of the dead opened his eye…the head of the dead opened his eye!’”

“Means your King was alive,” surprisingly Wiley asked.
“Yes, sir,” answered Kendall, “He still is alive and he is hundred-and-six years old. His head was stitched with his body, and we also won the war we were about to lose”

“Fascinating" said, Wiley.

And now, as the night was senescent
And star-dials pointed to morn—
As the star-dials hinted of morn—
At the end of our path a liquescent
And nebulous lustre was born,
Out of which a miraculous crescent
Arose with a duplicate horn—
Astarte's bediamonded crescent
Distinct with its duplicate horn.

Wiley Kay



“Hey…wake up,” said Isaias’s voice

Wiley woke up and saw the dark face of Isaias illuminated by firelight. Wiley realized he drenched in sweat. It was still night, Kendall was asleep at a distance.

“Bad dream?” asked Isaias.

“Nightmare,” said Wiley.

“May I know what it was?”

Wiley opened his mouth speak, but suddenly went silent as if his words had died in his mouth, and merely said “Nevermind! Why might you be awake?”

“Your scorches woke me up. You were saying something like Sky…sky gone.”

“I apologize for inconvenience, I might have caused you.”

“Oh I never knew you can apologize also.”

Wiley said nothing just kept on began to glare into the fire.

“Kendall briefed me that you can see future in your dreams.”


“I beg your pardon.”

“I can't glimpse the complete future, just a part of it as I am not a full Demorial.”

“So when do your people foresee this magic?”

“Sometimes; does not come with a warning. Every Demorial glimpse a different dream; and it's not magic it’s a curse. There is nothing joyful about living in fear of future, once you are aware you are afraid and once you are afraid, every joy becomes tasteless. You are right my friend, when there is less knowledge there is more freedom.”

Isaias kept on looking eagerly at another face of Wiley. A face that was afraid of something.

“Sleep now, I can't sleep anymore,” Wiley said to Isaias as he kept on looking in the fire.

"This is nothing but dreaming:
Let us on by this tremulous light!
Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
With Hope and in Beauty to-night:—
See!—it flickers up the sky through the night!
Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
And be sure it will lead us aright—
We safely may trust to a gleaming
That cannot but guide us aright,
Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

message 4: by Maira (new)

Maira | 5852 comments Mod
Isaias Giles

They marched for one more day when ultimately they approached Land of Fifty Lakes. Isaias was moved by the beauty of the city. There were lakes as far as his eye could see. It was somewhat a magic to see a place full of so many lakes after just a harsh desert. There were no people or houses just lakes at every corner of the land.

“I conveyed my part of the deed,” said Wiley turning towards Kendall, “now it's your turn. Proclaim us the name of the lake wHere the tomb Ulalume rises.”

“Its…” Kendall paused for a while, but then said, “It’s the dim lake of Auber.”

“I see why it is referred to as the Land of Fifty Lakes,” said Isaias, “Where might we discover one Lake among these Fifty Lakes?”

“The legend said something like, ‘In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir,’,” Kendall told both of them.

They looked all around to some indication that showed “Ghoul-haunted woodland”. After great exertion, Isaias found a lake that was covered in tree all around it as ghost all around it. It was a magnificent lake, but they were still not certain if it was exactly the lake they were looking for as there was no tomb.

“I can't find reason to call it Lake of Auber,” said Wiley Kay

Something came in Isaias mind and he began to walk into the water.

“Do you know how to swim – stop you mental,” Wiley tried to stop him, but he was far from his reach quickly.

They saw him walking further and further as if he was going to walk on water. He turned around and looked back at Wiley and Kendall looking him with astonishment.

“We call bear our own luck,” said Isaias with a sly smile, “The water is very shallow. It might seem deep but it is very shallow.”

“Of course that is why it is called the dim lake” suggested Kendall.

They all walked into the lake and the water just seemed to rise to their ankles. After walking for a while they gradually approached small mausoleum. It had green walls so much like the color of water that is why it was impossible to see it from a distance.

“Isaias,” said Kendall with ecstasy and fear in his voice “Open it.”

Isaias took us a key from his Ivory case and placed it in the keyhole that seemed rusted. He turned the key in the hole slowly. The door made such a loud cranky sound that it rattled the entire lake’s water. Then Kendall and Isaias pushed the door open with a little effort.

The damp smell of mud welcomed them into a dark chamber, where right in the middle was a tomb.

And we passed to the end of the vista,
But were stopped by the door of a tomb—
By the door of a legend tomb;
And I said—"What is written, sweet sister,
On the door of this legended tomb?"
She replied—"Ulalume—Ulalume—
'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

Kendall Pridgen

“We made it Isaias,” said Kendall who thought that Isaias was standing at his left but he was not, “Kendall?” he said turning around, and suddenly something smashed on his face and everything went blank.

Kendall heard voices as if someone was digging with a shaft. He gradually opened his eyes and saw Wiley digging, Ulalume’s grave. His hand and feet were fastened with a thin rope. Isaias was still unconscious and was fasten in the same manner as he was

“So that was it,” roared Kendall with rage, “You wanted all the knowledge to yourself?”

Wiley looked at him but did not reply just kept on digging.

“You selfish biblical,” said Kendall, “You took our aid and deprived us now–”

“I am sorry my friend,” Wiley muted Kendall with his meekness, “But sometimes it conditions deceive one to be someone they are not.”

“Conditions don’t make human, inhuman, choice does”

“But my choice had a purpose.”

“What is this deception now?”

“Not deception but the truth,” started Wiley, who was almost done with digging “As you know I am a Demorial and can see what others can’t. Two months ago I had a dream. In my dream, I saw this place and from this grave raised the witch Ulalume and she…and she brought fire in the sky.”


“She took over the world and enslaved every race by her evil powers again as she did a hundred years ago”

“Then what do you mean to do about it?” asked Kendall, who had realized that the rope was too thin to hold him.

“I will burn her dead body to her bones.”

“No!” Kendall shrieked at the peak of his voice, “You fool! You will demolish the ultimate knowledge.”

“There is no light in knowledge unless it illuminates the life of mankind.”

“Why do you care about mankind? No one will know about your heroism.”

“It's not about being known or glory. It's just what my wisdom demands from me.”

“Just let me have the brain and burn the rest.”

“Not even a finger should remain or she will come back to life. That’s the why witches have been burned for centuries. I can’t let you have her brain or give him her heart.”


Wiley started to pour down every drop of the fuel on the dead body of the witch. Kendall kept on clamoring, but Wiley turned deaf to Kendall’s shrieks. Just when Wiley lit the match to burn the witch, Kendall shredded the rope and leapt over him like a monster. He punched Wiley with all his strength and he knew that Wiley was not as strong as he was. Just then Wiley pushed Kendall with all his force and threw him aside. Kendall came running towards Wiley. Wiley took out his dagger from his belt, but Kendall did not stop. He took a wound from Wiley fearlessly then grabbed his hand and plunged the dagger from his hand.

“You fool I am a Bodobolls, I can't be killed easily,” said Kendall, and just when Wiley tried to assault him again he stabbed the dagger in Wiley's chest and threw his body aside.

Kendall felt no anguish, pain or guilt for that he did. He gradually moved towards the grave of Ulalume in which there was the most hideous thing he had ever seen in his life. Ulalume had red eyes (still open), gray skin and dusty rough black and gray hairs. Her dead body was clad in a white something but it was covered in blood. He got to his knees to examine the blood all over her when suddenly he felt a blade around his neck and someone holding his head.

Wiley Kay

“Even I told you I am not a full Demorial,” said Wiley Kay, holding Kendall’s head with left hand and the dagger on his neck, “I am a half Bodobolls. It's not easy to kill me either.”

“You can’t change the inevitable,” said Kendall with a muffled voice.

“The devil must fully die,” remarked Wiley.


“I knew this time would arrive. Forgive me for what I am about to do but we are two parallel things with different destinations.”

Wiley pitilessly sliced Kendall’s head from his body and threw his head at one side and the body at another side.

Wiley felt guilty for what he did but one dead is better than a thousand enslaved. He lit the match and burned the hideous body of the witch without looking at it. He approached Isaias, who was still unconscious.

“Hey, wake up,” said Wiley, jolting Isaias.

Isaias opened his eyes lazily and asked, “What happened?”

“Something necessary.”

Isaias Giles

Wiley explained everything to Isaias on their way out of the city and into the desert.

“You murdered him?” Isaias asked with astonishment in his tone.

“I had to,” replied Wiley.

“You could have propounded to us all your pondering.”

“I doubt you would have cooperated – he would cooperate. Lust of knowledge is worse than lust of body. Lust of body might make a man obey the devil for a while but the lust of knowledge can make a worship devil forever.”

Wiley looked at Isaias who seemed gloomy.

“I apologize my friend,” said Wiley. “If you say so I will work for you in your farm and bring water for you from as far as I can go for it.”

“That won't be necessary,” said Isaias with a smile.“We will find our way, after all, I am lucky man.”

After walking for a bit more while Wiley said, “I am afraid my friend this is where I will abandon you and walk away from your path.”

“Where are you going?”

Wiley took to a deep breath, and gazed into the sky, “The sky means everything to me, even in my dreams. I will do everything my power allows me to save this sky, this world and the people in it.” He turned to Isaias and continued, “I wish to see you as a friend again.”

Wiley smiled and walked away and Isaias kept his eye on him until he sight became invisible in the dust of the desert. Just after he was gone, Isaias slyly took out his ivory case holding the heart of Ulalume.

“Nothing means anything to me,” whispered Isaias to the air.

Kendall Pridgen

Three days later, the lake went silent and the body of the witch went cold. Kendall’s body was lying on the land that meant everything to him. His head was at another end covered in dust all over his lips, hairs, and eyelashes. Suddenly, the head of the dead opened his eye.

Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
As the leaves that were crispèd and sere—
As the leaves that were withering and sere,
And I cried—"It was surely October
On this very night of last year
That I journeyed—I journeyed down here—
That I brought a dread burden down here—
On this night of all nights in the year,
Oh, what demon has tempted me here?
Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber—
This misty mid region of Weir—
Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber—
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

Amazing... I think this is the best story out of the 6 I've read in this contest. The others were great, but I personally loved this one the most. The beginning reminded me of the first Dark Tower book, The Gunslinger. It had a similar atmosphere and vibe. The poems are great. The interactions and dynamics between the three are great. I'm too sleepy to praise this story properly, but I loved it. Great job.

My rating: 9 out of 10.

message 6: by Thall (new)

Thall (recantrecantrecant) | 558 comments 8.5/10

message 7: by Sadaf (new)

Sadaf | 22 comments Great idea. Great execution. Loved it :D


message 8: by Bilal (new)

Bilal Taibzada | 483 comments 9/10

message 9: by Maira (new)

Maira | 5852 comments Mod
Great work. The story is very well written.


message 10: by Sara (new)

Sara Saif | 630 comments 6/10

message 11: by Saqib (new)

Saqib Ali | 11 comments beautifully written, the ending didn't establish much though. 8/10

message 12: by Sameea (new)

Sameea | 292 comments Imaginative and mysterious, I really enjoyed reading this. Well done!


message 13: by Tribal (new)

Tribal Demagogue | 77 comments As mentioned above, it's very reminiscent of The Gunslinger by Stephen King. So much so that it works in your disfavour. Other than that, it's very well written. Dialogue needs improvement. It was a bit unnatural. As my advice went for the previous author, read more and watch movies to learn how a native speaks. Dialogues shouldn't be too formal or weird in delivery. But overall a great story and you can easily become a published writer if you work on your vocabulary and grammar. Knowing a word isn't enough. Knowing its contextual use is what's important.

Ps: Sorry if my review sounds scathing, but I know that you're very passionate about your work and you're very talented. Of all the writers here, I want you to succeed because you are in love with writing. And yes I know who you are haha

message 14: by Mahrukh (new)

Mahrukh (matronmahrukh) | 404 comments I liked the characters and the over all plot was convincing.
9/10 :)

message 15: by Nadeem (new)

Nadeem Muhammad | 7 comments nice story 7.5/10

message 16: by Abdullah (new)

Abdullah Khalid | 807 comments great story. 8.75/10

message 17: by Aamira (new)

Aamira Yaseen (aamirayaseengoodreadscom) | 2 comments loved the characters-one had wisdom but no freedom-one had no wisdom or knowledge but freedom-one had knowledge as well as freedom. beautifully written 10/10

message 18: by FaiZa (new)

FaiZa | 1 comments wow! I loved the story (y)

message 19: by Nigham (new)

Nigham | 4018 comments 8.5/10

message 20: by Ramla Zareen (new)

Ramla Zareen Ahmad | 556 comments It's different from anything that I have ever read, no surprise since I am not much into this genre, but I have to admit that I really enjoyed it.

Don't know if I am eligible to give a rating since, along with my inexperience with this genre, the writer of this story is not anonymous to me and is a friend, but I am truly not showing any bias when I say that in my opinion this story deserves an 8 out of 10.

message 21: by Ramla Zareen (new)

Ramla Zareen Ahmad | 556 comments Asad wrote: "...The interactions and dynamics between the three are great..."

тeaм cнaol wrote: "I liked the characters..."

Aamira wrote: "loved the characters..."

Just read the previous comments and ratings and would like to add that I agree, the characterization was extremely skilful :-)

message 22: by [deleted user] (new)


message 23: by Faheem (new)

Faheem  (faheeem) | 1596 comments Mod

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