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All Things Writing & Publishing > Change of Oligarch's blurb - opinions?

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message 1: by Nik (last edited Jul 29, 2016 06:22AM) (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments I'm changing this one:
"When Ukrainian oligarch Mikhail Vorotavich is close to achieving his ambition of topping the Forbes rich list, an assassination attempt leaves him in a coma and his vast business empire rapidly descends into turmoil.
Lying in a hospital bed, Mikhail’s uncensored life story from a poor Jewish boy in communist USSR to disgustingly rich businessman in independent Ukraine, full of corruption, scheming, sex, drugs and violence, flashes in his mind’s eye. He has done it all: racketeering protection, drug trafficking, arms dealing, raiding privatised factories, dodgy infrastructure projects and money laundering.
Aspiring to get legit he moves to London, but behind his new pretended façade nothing really changes. And the higher Mikhail climbs the wider is the circle of enemies that want him dead.
Meanwhile, his partners, in a quest to discover who is behind the attack, stumble upon a conspiracy that, if realised, would change the world order. The mighty adversaries will stop at nothing.
Conspiracies, old scores, powerful enemies and the blurred lines between decency and corruption all surface.
Packed with remarkable characters and exotic scenes, humorous and philosophical at times, Rise of an Oligarch is a thriller set against the background of a young Ukrainian state striving to embrace capitalist democracy.
Rise of an Oligarch is the book that oligarchs do not want you to read."

To this one:
"The deal is on and Michael (Misha) is one step away from triumph! Almost six billion green crunchy dollar project is practically in his pocket. And then there is a shot that changes everything.....
Conspiracies, old scores, powerful enemies and the blurred lines between decency and corruption all surface. Packed with remarkable characters and exotic scenes, humorous and philosophical at times, Rise of an Oligarch is a historical fiction with elements of a thriller set against the background of the Big Bang of the USSR and a young Ukrainian state striving to embrace capitalist democracy.
This is the book that tycoons certainly don't want you to read."

Reasons?
First - When someone reads 'Ukrainian oligarch Mikhail Vorotavich' as pretty much the first words, s/he needs to have steel nerves to keep reading, understand what oligarch is and be quite interested in something Slavic to survive through Mikhail Vorotavich -:). So I thought, I won't bomb the reader with these at the beginning.
Second - the newer one is shorter

What do you think? For me specifically, no need to 'cushion' your critique


Tara Woods Turner | 2063 comments Oh I do love a blurb re-do! Will finish my breakfast and be back soon...


message 3: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Thanks! Bon appetite -:) Roasted oligarch?


message 4: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) I dig short blurbs. A lot.

But I gotta say the 1st one has some compelling bits whereas the 2nd reads more like an initial rxn to a movie vs. the actual trailer (I liken blurbs to trailers). My free cents ^_~

Hugs (these are free too),
Ann


message 5: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Thanks, Ann! Bon appetite too? -:)


message 6: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) Errrr...yes...? Who's buying?


message 7: by Marie Silk (last edited Jul 29, 2016 08:17AM) (new)

Marie Silk | 1022 comments I like the second one, and you're right, the initial blurb would have lost me at the first line. I tend to not read anything longer than a few sentences or teeny paragraphs in book blurbs anyway... I have an extremely short attention span for these things, so you can take my uncushioned blow with a grain of salt ;).

This part:

"Packed with remarkable characters and exotic scenes, humorous and philosophical at times, Rise of an Oligarch is a historical fiction with elements of a thriller set against the background of the Big Bang of the USSR and a young Ukrainian state striving to embrace capitalist democracy.
This is the book that tycoons certainly don't want you to read."

...I would be inclined to rewrite it so it is not so wordy and sales-y. Maybe something like this:

Rise of an Oligarch is a thrilling historical fiction set against the background of the Big Bang of the USSR. This is the book that tycoons don't want you to read.


message 8: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Sending my credit card details


message 9: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Marie wrote: "I like the second one, and you're right, the initial blurb would have lost me at the first line. I tend to not read anything longer than a few sentences or teeny paragraphs in book blurbs. I have a..."

Thanks a lot, Marie! You are probably right, the sentence you've redone was still longish... Might just borrow your variant -:)


message 10: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) I dig it, Miss Marie! Feels less fangirly...or...whatever the equivalent would be for historical thrillers *giggles*

Here are the two lines that I dig from the 1st blurb (not sure why, though):
"an assassination attempt leaves him in a coma and his vast business empire rapidly descends into turmoil"
"the higher Mikhail climbs the wider is the circle of enemies that want him dead"


Regardless, I'm feeling the shortness ^_~


message 11: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Cool, tnx, I'd go with a compilation after all -:)


message 12: by Marie Silk (new)

Marie Silk | 1022 comments Oooh, good point, Annie. I would definitely keep the line about the coma because that is the conflict :)


message 13: by M.L. (last edited Jul 29, 2016 09:49AM) (new)

M.L. Hmm, I do like shorter blurbs.

One bullet. One billionaire. Mikhail lies in a coma. The assassin failed to kill him, but Mikhail is helpless. His thugs can shoot AK-47s, but they cannot manage the financial empire he built so painstakingly. For while Mikhail's methods were ruthless, his arrogance left him vulnerable.


The reason I put the part about his thugs (placeholder for now), is because while Mikhail has people and money, it sounds like he does not have a plan for succession, no one really competent to run things.

Beyond that I don't know enough about the story and historical context, so that's as far as I can go! :-)

Seriously, I would also add some 'white' space (paragraphing) for readability and balance.

Oh, and I put the part about AK-47s, but, you know, it's a placeholder also.


message 14: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) @ML: I freakin' LOVE your blurb rewrite!! Like, I would 100% use that, exactly as is *claps excitedly* I dig sentence frags and that succinct, impactful feel! Yessss!!

*deep breath*

I'm not sure if it "sounds" like Mr Nik. But I've only read the first chapter of his book (sorry, I have a huge pile to get through hahahaha!) so I dunno if I have a firm grasp of his style yet.

What say you, boss?


message 15: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments M.L., Thanks a lot!
Right on the money!
I'm getting here lots of great ideas, so I guess I'd be able to compile a killer new blurb at the end


message 16: by M.L. (new)

M.L. Thanks, Annie, Nik!


message 17: by Marie Silk (new)

Marie Silk | 1022 comments Great blurbage, M.L. :)


message 18: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) *nods**places blurb crown on ML's head**bows down*


message 19: by Ian (new)

Ian Miller | 11461 comments I prefer the first blurb, but it must be cut back - it is too long. I would not worry about "oligarch" - when you mention how rich he is, the reader should be able to work it out. I Like ML's take, and you need to cut the rest of the first one back so that it fits that style.

Just my take.


message 20: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Thanks a lot, Ian!
I'll work on brevity and use the excellent ideas proposed here-:)


message 21: by Ian (new)

Ian Miller | 11461 comments Nik wrote: "Thanks a lot, Ian!
I'll work on brevity and use the excellent ideas proposed here-:)"


Glad to help. Hope I have


message 22: by Alex (new)

Alex (asato) Annie wrote: "@ML: I freakin' LOVE your blurb rewrite!! Like, I would 100% use that, exactly as is *claps excitedly* I dig sentence frags and that succinct, impactful feel! Yessss!!"

agreed. a very impactful 1st sentence. that's what you need to close the deal.


message 23: by Tim (last edited Aug 02, 2016 04:22AM) (new)

Tim Rees | 732 comments Nik,

I feel your original blurb contains far too many plot spoilers. In my humble opinion your re-write is not concise enough. Below is my attempt to help, but remember, too many cooks spoil the broth. :D

_______________

The deal is on and Michael (Misha) is one step away from triumph! A six billion dollar project is almost in his pocket...

And then there's a bullet that changes everything.....

Conspiracies, old scores, powerful enemies and the blurring lines between decency and corruption exposed in one loud bang!

Remarkable characters laced with humour and philosophy bring this historical, yet fictional story to life - a dramatic story set in a background of Russia and the Ukrain striving to embrace capitalist democracy.

This is a thriller the tycoons don't want you to read.

_______________________________


message 24: by Nik (new)

Nik Krasno | 15677 comments Thanks a lot, Tim!
Indeed, deals with long parts neatly. Very helpful input that allows me to toy with different versions.
The beauty of the thing is that I can play with this or that write-up towards promos and see which (if any) results in stronger response from the readers.
Thanks to you, guys, I have now several excellent options to experiment with!


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