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Post your stories for feedback > Rough draft of a story

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message 1: by Ireana (new)

Ireana (bookbaby0894) | 5 comments I was sitting in the cafeteria, drinking a smoothie, and avoiding my teacher in the corner. He was always there during lunch period, and I caught his eye once. I felt we were in the same both; we we're alone. My friends parents didn't want them to be seen with the pregnant girl. I lifted my head, and scanned the cafeteria. Nothing but the same normal activity; hair tossing, food eating, flirting and horse playing. My stomach turned. Why would I look up? A they slams on my table as I turn back -Something set their plate on my table. I watched the boy adamantly drift into the seat. "Its okay." I say. I really don't want company though, the kind that comes over thinking their a hero, because they gave the girl with no one the time of day? "No thanks for coming over. I know you probably feel bad for me, right?" He jerked. I immediately felt horrible. "Possibly pregnancy hormones?" I offered. No, I thought. I was always a bitch. A reluctant smile came in his face. "Only if you're in you're in you're second trimester of pregnancy." So I was just a bitch. They guy was pretty smart. "Why did you come over here?" Could someone even be interested in me for more than being a spectacle? I could see my eye contact was a problem. I had a habit of staring people down, most those people could take it. Not this kid. He kept looking down, and turning his head side to side. I looked down at my tray. "I always wanted to meet you." It was one of the most flattering things I heard. I wish I was hearing this earlier though, but approaching me had to be hard. I wasn't very friendly, even when I was drowning in friends. Sometimes I thought that if I was nicer, some of them would have stayed behind, when I needed people most now. But it was too late, according to them. "...Don't be sad." the guy said, watching me. As soon as I met his eyes, he looked away. "I'm sorry." I said. I got caught up in my thoughts. That happened a lot now.


Iesha (In east shade house at...) (emberblue) | 150 comments First of add, when there is a change in speakers, allow make it a separate paragraph. Next, create paragraphs. This would be easier to read with spaces. Next, you need to work on showing instead of telling. It's a good start to a first chapter, but you need more description as well.


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