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Archive > Proper Etiquette for Courting Fair Maidens

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message 1: by CountVicta (last edited Jul 15, 2016 12:08PM) (new)

CountVicta | 4 comments In the light of changing times, one begins to question proper form and mannerisms in the ever peculiar circumstances of courtship. In all due wisdom I have decided to look at myself in these matters, and implore those who wish to, to part with advice on the 'rules' regarding what every gentlemen, especially myself, should ideally adhere to.
In my own very quaint and limited expertise in this field, I confess I am outmatched by many. However, I do currently strive for two rules that I consider vital:

1. Thou must be the person thou wishes to marry
-(Thou cannot expect to marry a princess if thou art a villain)

2. Thou shalt treat the fair maiden you are courting as thy wish others to treat your future wife in courtship.
(Respect, honesty, integrity, virtuous intentions)

Of course in the analysis of research several unorthodox, or rather experimental stratagems have manifested themselves to my attention that I beg your consideration:

1. To initiate contact with a fair maiden, approach when she is alone and promptly utter “I am here. What were your two other wishes?” (This seems to me the most foolproof rule of these five)

2. To impress said maiden, perform the exercise of fifty push ups. If this fails to garner the attention thy seeketh, perform it thrice more. (In the event this fails, it means she is not single)

3. To acknowledge her vast appeal to thou, speaketh “You are beautiful” thrice, because she will not believe thou for the first two times. (Or thy fair maiden is hard of hearing. Or foreign)

4. Thou must open all doors for the fair maiden unless she beats thee to the door by five seconds and then only if she manages to open the door before thee can lunge for it. Thou must follow this rule or die in the attempt. (Per ostia amor est insuperabilis!) (Or as Sandra suggests, reply "And I am as single as this door" or "I am as open as this door")

5. If thy fair maiden wisheth to split the payment of an item or meal, she must sayeth so thrice, else thou are to pay in full. (If she wishes to pay all with her own fortune, God rest thy soul)

My expertise is thin, my confusion extreme. I implore you to impart your thoughts regarding my rules, and perhaps add your own to what every gentleman, including myself, should consider in the proper etiquette for courting fair maidens.

message 2: by Sandra (new)

Sandra | 273 comments very fun and clever.

i would add for you to be open if a fair maiden wishes to court thee.

message 3: by Corey (new)

Corey | 29 comments Social experiment: do the push ups and report back to us. I am eager to see how that works.

message 4: by CountVicta (new)

CountVicta | 4 comments Corey wrote: "Social experiment: do the push ups and report back to us. I am eager to see how that works."

I too was eager to see the merits of this exercise, so I proceeded to meander my way to the town square, and, with my keen eye, spotted a fair maiden staring intently at some windows.
Naturally I approached her and proceeded to perform the above mentioned push ups I had prescribed for the endeavor. Unfortunately for my aspirations, the fair maiden began walking away. Not to be deterred, I proceeded to do a mix of down ups/push ups as I pursued her. Needless to say this was turning into an exhausting enterprise and, dare I say, I was fearful of my odds to make it through the 200 down/push ups at all.
But oh joyous day! At around 189 successive attempts in the sun, when my arms were shaking and breath heaving, I finally elicited a response from those wondrous lips: "What are you doing?"
I decided honesty was the best foundation for our future relationship: "Wooing you of course." Now unfortunately I got carried away. Seeing as how I had reached 189 down/push ups it felt wrong to simply end 11 away from the gold standard 200 I desired (OCD? But that’s another experiment entirely). With Herculean effort I proudly held myself up for the 200th victory and then promptly collapsed onto the sidewalk, seeing stars and weeping tears of glory.
What horrible sight greeted my weary eyes! She was walking away! "Fair maiden...Wait." I gasped, but my throat was so dry and my head so light I wasn't sure I could even hear myself. I had to perform one last push up to regain my feet and engage in pursuit. I heaved and pushed with all my might, striving to free myself of my physical suffering but alas, there was nothing left and I sagged to the ground in defeat. Lackaday!
My arms were broken, but my spirit was soaring! No doubt I was successful in making an impression on her. While the merits of this exercise are obviously showcased here, I seem to lack quantifiable scientific evidence to prove that this particular exercise is indeed successful, as one result is deemed unsuitable for such analysis.
Note to self: Next attempt perform the exercise when the fair maiden has no avenue of escape: prisons, restaurants, and hospitals should be taken into consideration.

message 5: by CountVicta (new)

CountVicta | 4 comments Sandra wrote: "very fun and clever.

i would add for you to be open if a fair maiden wishes to court thee."

Of course! How could I have forgotten? I have edited it back into the door clause where it was most apt to be applied.

message 6: by Sandra (new)

Sandra | 273 comments and, what maidenly endeavors would arouse thy passions, would increase thy interest in further pursuit, or, horrors! would cause thee to walk away, leaving yon fair maiden adrift in a pool of rejection, and possible humiliation?

message 7: by Corey (new)

Corey | 29 comments Results are only statistically significant if replicated on a large scale. You'll just have to keep trying.

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