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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA Urban Fantasy Query - Feedback, please!

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message 1: by HitC (new)

HitC (hitcgirl) | 136 comments I'm soon to start querying for my manuscript and would greatly appreciate feedback on my query. I'm happy to swap with anyone looking for advice on theirs!! My query is below:

Dear [insert name],

I am submitting Worst of Luck (70,000 words) to you because [insert reason]. My manuscript is a Young Adult urban fantasy that may appeal to fans of Everyday by David Levithan and Beastly by Alex Flinn.

When Kennedy Jacobs gives in to peer pressure and pants Adina Anteloni at the school dance, it’s the biggest mistake of his life. Adina is secretly a Zoandrian, a human-animal hybrid with a magical talent—she is a Curse Worker. After Adina loses her temper, sprouts a pair of horns, and curses Kennedy to endless days of bad luck, he finds himself body-hopping from person to person, living one terrible day after another.

After being stabbed in a gang fight, hit by a car, and, perhaps worst of all, using a tampon, Kennedy is more than ready to be back in his own body. Adina is grudgingly willing to remove the curse to avoid losing her magic and her family. But there’s a slight problem—this is the first time she has worked a curse without a condition or time limit and she doesn’t know how to undo it. When Adina repeatedly sees how kind Kennedy is even after multiple bad days, she realizes she wants more than just the curse removed; she wants Kennedy in her life as a friend, and maybe something more. But with a Zoandrian rebel after them who wants Kennedy dead and Adina as part of their ranks as well as the Zoandrian Senate who’s determined to strip Kennedy of his memories and Adina of her magic, it will take everything they have to remove the curse and turn their bad luck around.

Worst of Luck is my third manuscript and is a standalone novel with sequel potential. I am the co-founder of a local critique group, a member of the Houston Writers Guild, and the lead author on a scientific publication about the endangered Georgetown salamander.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


message 2: by Adrianne (new)

Adrianne | 29 comments Hmmm... the third paragraph is quite long, and the last sentence in it was difficult to read so you may need to rephrase.

Also, if your mss haven't been published, you can cut the part about how its your third ms.

Otherwise you have a decent query. I followed along with the plot and was left wanting more.
Good luck!


message 3: by Jef (new)

Jef Dorn | 18 comments Hi Tiffany,

It's a good query, from it I would be interested in your book, but I have a few ideas that might make it better.

First your hook is in the second paragraph, many literary agents get 300 queries a week, so hook 'em as fast as you can.

Maybe you could simplify like this:

Dear ........,
Worst of Luck
A 70,000 word YA urban fantasy.

When Kennedy Jacobs................

Then move the rest of the first paragraph to the end.

I agree with Adrianne the last sentence in the third paragraph is a problem. If I counted right it's 53 words long, take a breath. It starts with 'but' consider starting with 'when'.

I hope this helps, remember this is just my opinion.

I wish you luck and am looking forward to seeing 'Worst of Luck' in print.
Jeff


message 4: by HitC (new)

HitC (hitcgirl) | 136 comments Thanks, Adrianne! I will work on that third paragraph and remove the bit about it being my third manuscript.

Tiffany wrote: "I'm soon to start querying for my manuscript and would greatly appreciate feedback on my query. I'm happy to swap with anyone looking for advice on theirs!! My query is below:

Dear [insert name],
..."



message 5: by HitC (new)

HitC (hitcgirl) | 136 comments Hi Jef,

Thanks for the feedback. Darn that third paragraph! I'll work on it.

Jef wrote: "Hi Tiffany,

It's a good query, from it I would be interested in your book, but I have a few ideas that might make it better.

First your hook is in the second paragraph, many literary agents get 3..."



message 6: by Jeannine (new)

Jeannine Harris | 22 comments Hi Tiffany,

You helped me a lot with my query letter attempt. I just wanted to offer my (unskilled) services as a favour. (My comments are in brackets)...

When Kennedy Jacobs gives in to peer pressure and pants Adina Anteloni at the school dance, (he makes) the biggest mistake of his life. Adina is secretly a Zoandrian, a human-animal hybrid with a magical talent—she is a Curse Worker. After Adina loses her temper, sprouts a pair of horns, and curses Kennedy to endless days of bad luck, he finds himself body-hopping from person to person, living one terrible day after another. (this is lovely!!)

(I think your query letter is great and very intriguing, and I could also follow the plot well as it unfolds).

Best wishes!!!


message 7: by HitC (new)

HitC (hitcgirl) | 136 comments Hi Jeannine,

Thanks so much! I like the suggestion to change 'it's' to 'he makes.' It's more active. Jeannine wrote: "Hi Tiffany,

You helped me a lot with my query letter attempt. I just wanted to offer my (unskilled) services as a favour. (My comments are in brackets)...

When Kennedy Jacobs gives in to peer pre..."



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