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Support > Getting a date (irl)

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message 1: by Daniel (new)

Daniel Ferguson So, it's pretty hard to date when you have a disability, as it tends to make you either a fearful, embarrassed or frustrated introvert (in my case, and my friend's).

I haven't had a girlfriend in 10 years, and it's not for lack of trying. I tried online, but that was less than useful. I think I'd like to ask out one or two decent girls I am at least familiar with in real life, and possibly two who might be decent people (haven't interacted yet).

My problem is mainly that in real life, it's right there and you don't have that screen anonymity thing that makes it easier for *most* people to reach out online.

That approach is woefully unsuccessful for me, because I don't have the guts in real life. But right now, I need to try, because I'm sick of being alone and sick of not taking chances.

Now, I'm fine talking to women in real life, if it's where they come up to me, and if it's purely platonic.

Asking someone out, or to dance, or anything substantial, that's another matter entirely.


message 2: by Kristina (new)

Kristina (chocfreek) Hi Daniel,

Can't help much, I met my husband at uni and we've been married 15 years now so I've been out of the dating game for a while! Some of my friends met via work or mutual friends, a couple met via internet dating. You mentioned platonic friends, have you considered pursuing them romantically? Or asking them to set you up on dates with their friends?

How about group dates, that way there's less pressure.

Good luck!

message 3: by Sarah (new)

Sarah (littlerah) | 37 comments I'm not sure how old you are or anything (especially considering a lot of the Hopefuls are probably aged 14-16 I would say) and often that contributes to my answer, and in saying "10 years" I would assume in your mid 20s maybe? I don't know. Perhaps me questioning age is not important. I don't know, probably not. Ignore this. Anyway.

I honestly do not know, dating is quite a difficult task in my opinion, I feel quite similarly, introversion really hinders my ability to do a lot of things, from making friends to, also, having a relationship. (I've been out of them for nearly 5 years myself).

Internet dating you've mentioned doesn't really work, but you enjoy the screening process? It sounds like? Perhaps, with the people around you that you do know, ask them if there's anyone they could set you up on dates with, as Kristina has mentioned above, group dates have a lot less pressure on them.

Another thing I might perhaps suggest is maybe working out what kind of things you would look for in a relationship, that way, maybe you aren't dating anyone, but you have a mindset to help you along the way a bit better.

Going to different events may also help, like writing festivals, book clubs, any sort of event that would interest you, and puts you in a place to meet similar individuals.

Reaching out is hard. I tend to try and develop a friendship of sorts before I reach out, test the waters so to speak. I personally am awful at talking about how I feel to anyone, but finding people who address things similarly aids myself in that. So keep working on the platonic side I would recommend, and try and work it out from there.

Possible further tips:
-be yourself and as open as you are able to be
-know your limits in relationships and social settings
-cliche, don't give up on it
-talk to people you're comfortable with, in real life about relationships and dating and see if there's any advice/possible dates/personalised tips.

Best of luck. x

message 4: by Darby (new)

Darby | 217 comments Guys have always found me undesirable for a number of reasons, and they might also be a little intimidated. I've had one person I came very close to dating, but he really isn't interested in me that way, and also prefers men.

I've had a hard time interacting with people because of my autism. I'm very good at hiding it and trying to act 'normal', but I do slip sometimes and most of the guys I know have known me since I was too young to hide it. And living where I live, if I try to go after girls I might get shot. (Just kidding, but it's still not the safest)

The advice I've always been given is to just put yourself out there and be yourself, but that can really be challenging when you're different in some way. I totally understand.

message 5: by Daniel (new)

Daniel Ferguson Yeah, with AS, you have to explain the condition, or they'll run away, or at least want to. Depends on how socialised you are, and how you treat them, but there is that niggling thing in the back of their minds, something most can't explain, and won't give you half a chance unless you explain it.

It sucks, but that's how society is, and that's how the condition is. It's awful to live with, because it's invisible for me, more or less (I don't stim, or rock when I laugh, or be overly weird, as I'm reserved and pretty calm and level-headed most of the time).

But I can't woo anyone without being honest, and I don't tend to get the chance, not online, because women tend to get millions of messages a day and just ignore all of them, is what I've pieced together. You know, cause they're either 'hi', 'watsup' or pictures of a guy's junk or... well, I'm sure there isn't a person online who hasn't at least seen memes of the kinds of messages guys tend to send on Tinder.

I thought I had a chance with a girl. She was lovely, she liked my kind of interests, she was pretty near by.

Because of AS, she deleted me. I can't bear to go anywhere she'd go, like... the amusement parks on her side of the city, the food festival she goes to, the cultural district. I risk an encounter in the two bookstores I like, the cinemas (although the cultural district is the cheap cinema in the city) and there is no way, ever, I'm going to the annual convention she goes to. She's a nerd. She's pretty. She has 900 friends.

I've seen her four times in real life. Stood right in front of her, even. Three times. (the other time I caught a glimpse of her in one of those two bookstores - suddenly found the opposite direction intensely interesting for some reason...)

Didn't look up from her stupid phone.

Probably safe. I hope.

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