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Coming Out Of Egypt (Egypt # 1)
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message 1: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments I would like some feedback on my blurb please.

Set in the author’s native Trinidad, Angela Joseph’s first novel, Coming Out of Egypt, Book 1 of the Egypt trilogy, is splashed with rich Caribbean color. Two sisters, Marva and June, are anxious to put their abusive past behind them. Marva desperately wants to forge a new life for them, but with a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail, June’s rebellion, and her own shame, Marva’s new life is not what she envisioned. While she longs for love and forgiveness, she expects punishment. Will she get what she expects, or what she longs for?


message 2: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4353 comments Mod
Hi Angela,

It's good, but the first two or three sentences need more punch. You want to bring the reader in as quickly as possible.

Suggesting:

Set in the author’s native Trinidad, "Coming Out of Egypt" is splashed with rich Caribbean color. Sisters Marva and June are anxious to put their abusive past behind them. Marva desperately wants to forge a new life for them, but with a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail, June’s rebellion and her own shame, Marva’s new life is not what she envisioned. While she longs for love and forgiveness, she expects punishment. Will she get what she expects, or what she longs for?

This is Angela Joseph's first novel and the first in her Egypt trilogy.


While it's good to have your name in the blurb and mention that this is part of a series, I moved it to the end of the blurb so as not to detract from the description of the story itself.


message 3: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Dwayne wrote: "Hi Angela,

It's good, but the first two or three sentences need more punch. You want to bring the reader in as quickly as possible.

Suggesting:

Set in the author’s native Trinidad, "Coming Out o..."

Thanks, Dwayne. I like your suggestions. If I don't get any that I like better, I'll send this off to my cover designer.


message 4: by Joe (new)

Joe Jackson (shoelessauthor) Maybe it's just me, but "with a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail" lacks context. She and her sister are escaping an abusive past, so why is the detective after them? Maybe they killed their abuser, and that's supposed to be the implied hook, but for me it's still a little lacking. Otherwise, I love Dwayne's reorganization.


message 5: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Hi, Miss Angela! *waves happily* It's nice to meet you, ma'am!!

Okie doke. Here's my humble suggestion...
Set in the author’s native Trinidad, Coming Out of Egypt is splashed with rich Caribbean color. Two sisters are anxious to put their abusive past behind them. Marva desperately wants to forge a new life for them But with Marva's shame and a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail, along with June's rebellion, their new life is not what Marva envisioned. While she longs for love and forgiveness, she expects punishment. Will she get what she expects, or what she longs for? Which will she end up with?

I think it's a bit more succinct? Maybe? I dunno hahaha. I do agree with Joe about the detective. I think that's the most intriguing part, to be honest. Just my 2 cents XD

Hugs,
Ann


message 6: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments It's kind of intriguing, but feels a bit loose. I'd try and tighten it.

Maybe can the first sentence as it seems too much like trying to sell other stuff as well, and look for repetition.


message 7: by Ben (new)

Ben Jackson | 86 comments Here's my version.

Set in Trinidad and splashed with rich Caribbean color, Coming Out of Egypt, Book One of the Egypt trilogy is guaranteed to have you up well into the night!

Two sisters, Marva, and June, are anxious to put their abusive past behind them. Marva desperately wants to forge a new life for them, but with a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail, June’s rebellion, and her own shame, Marva’s new life is not turning out to be how she imagined that it would!

While she longs for love and forgiveness, she expects punishment. Will she get what she expects, or what she longs for? You’ll have to read it to find out how it all ends!

Scroll back up to the top of the page and click BUY IT NOW! Find out how the two sisters lives could be inexplicably changed forever!


message 8: by Ben (new)

Ben Jackson | 86 comments I hate writing fiction descriptions, not my thing at all, but I write quite a lot of non-fiction descriptions as a freelancer!

I didn't like the author stuff, save it for the bio & included a call to action

Just my 2 cents!


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

Dwayne wrote: "Hi Angela,

It's good, but the first two or three sentences need more punch. You want to bring the reader in as quickly as possible.

Suggesting:

Set in the author’s native Trinidad, "Coming Out o..."


That was basically what I was going to suggest, but probably better. I think removing the author/series bit allows it to get into the action quicker/meat of the bio. You could have those parts a bit after the blurb about the series/you if you really would like it somewhere. That works.


message 10: by M.L. (last edited Jul 04, 2016 10:15AM) (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments I agree with Ben about the bio parts. I would suggest a start with the setting, which is exotic and contrast with the darker past. There is also some confusion with Caribbean and Egypt in the same sentence - it's good, but I don't know if the 2 support each other.

My suggestion is to start with the contrast:

"The richness and zest of the Caribbean Islands will not hide an abusive past. "

And then go on from there.


message 11: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments M.L. wrote: "I agree with Ben about the bio parts. I would suggest a start with the setting, which is exotic and contrast with the darker past. There is also some confusion with Caribbean and Egypt in the same ..."

Ooh, M.L. I love that sentence, not sure how to work it in though. Maybe at the beginning? Egypt is a metaphorical term for their abusive past, which the reader will get from the story.


message 12: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Sarah wrote: "Dwayne wrote: "Hi Angela,

It's good, but the first two or three sentences need more punch. You want to bring the reader in as quickly as possible.

Suggesting:

Set in the author’s native Trinidad..."


Dwayne, I already incorporated some of your suggestions, moved the Book 1 line to the bottom as you suggested. Thanks!


message 13: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Joe wrote: "Maybe it's just me, but "with a hawk-eyed detective hot on her trail" lacks context. She and her sister are escaping an abusive past, so why is the detective after them? Maybe they killed their abu..."

Hi Joe,
You got it, they killed their abuser. I wrote it like that so the reader would ask the same question you asked.


message 14: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Ben wrote: "Here's my version.

Set in Trinidad and splashed with rich Caribbean color, Coming Out of Egypt, Book One of the Egypt trilogy is guaranteed to have you up well into the night!

Two sisters, Marva,..."

Thanks, Ben! Are you suggesting I include Buy It Now on the blurb?


message 15: by Ben (new)

Ben Jackson | 86 comments I normally do, but how much you try and push a sale or call to action is up to you!


message 16: by M.L. (last edited Jul 04, 2016 09:31PM) (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments Angela wrote: "M.L. wrote: "I agree with Ben about the bio parts. I would suggest a start with the setting, which is exotic and contrast with the darker past. There is also some confusion with Caribbean and Egypt..."

Thanks! I added more, and this is based on suppositions mentioned at the end.

"The richness and zest of the Caribbean Islands will not hide an abusive past.

Marla’s abuser is dead. He paid for his crimes with his life, yet Marla’s torment persists. The detective pursuing her will not stop until she is behind bars or hung, but it is not only her freedom she seeks to protect.

Her younger sister June is incorrigible: she thinks caution is unnecessary and listens to no one. Only Marla’s intervention keeps June from reckless self-destruction. If Marla loses her freedom, June will have no one who cares about her, no one to guide her.

The tropical breeze, blue water, and white sandy beaches of the Caribbean bring dreams of peace and happiness. But will Marla and June realize those dreams, or will they remain forever out of reach.

This is based on
- June’s main fault is that she is self-destructive (and that she is younger)
- The detective has enough evidence to actually convict Marla
- Penalty for killing someone is jail or hanging.

Hope that helps! Sounds like a good story!


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