Support for Indie Authors discussion

83 views
Archived Workshop No New Posts > Critique on my blurb please

Comments Showing 1-24 of 24 (24 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Anna (last edited Jul 04, 2016 03:00AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Would you please have a go at this blurb, I'm not 100% happy with it.

It's for a sequel to a book where Karl and Daniel were enemies but in this new book they have become friends. It is set in 1823 on an island off the south coast of England. Nearly the whole population (in reality) was involved in smuggling.

Here it is:

All that it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing. Fortunately, two good men decide to act, putting their lives and the lives of those they love in jeopardy.

Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, and successful businessman Daniel Tynton, embark on a quest to rid the Isle of Wight of corruption and impoverishment by those who lure cargo ships onto rocks - wreckers.

Against Daniel’s wishes, his wife, Lucy, follows him to the island where she plays a pivotal role in rescuing the only man she has ever loved.

All the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man.

In the midst of all the turmoil, Karl finally finds a woman he can love but she belongs to the enemy he must defeat.

Book Two in The Dark Moon Trilogy


Thank you.


message 2: by Annie (last edited Jun 29, 2016 11:33AM) (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Miss Anna! Methinks this is my first time seeing ya!! Hello!!!

*waves all friendly-like*

Okay, I wanna say that I have no experience. Nada. Just saying. But...

After reading the blurb for the book one, I feel like some of the info in this one isn't super duper necessary (the 1st two sentences, as well as "Lieutenant" and "successful businessman" I'm guessing were already established prior?)

It's a very "clear" blurb with some solid backstory, and pretty succinct, which I dig. But, I personally think it reads a tiny bit like a "Cole's Notes" version of the book at the moment. I'm kinda sorta hankering for some tidbits in there that would make it more, "Ooooh, what's gonna happen?" if that makes sense?

Things that intrigued me:
1. Who is the man that Lucy loves?
2. Is this the same person as "one cruel and ruthless man"?
3. Who is the woman that Karl loves? Is it Lucy? (I wasn't sure)

Again, I claim to know nothing LOL Hope that helps some anyway XD Good luck, ma'am!!

Hugs,
Ann


message 3: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Thank you, Ann, and yes, it certainly helps because your questions show me that I have not made things clear. I also get the point that it is not jazzed up to entice.

I'm finding it difficult to know how much of Book One in the trilogy readers will remember and how much I should remind them in this book two blurb. And what about people who've not seen book one at all, how much do they need to know? Sigh.

Yes, I'm new here, the group was recommended to me and I've left a hello in the introductions thread - but it's been closed because it's full up!


message 4: by Annie (last edited Jun 29, 2016 11:50AM) (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Well, then... *claps excitedly* ...hello and welcome!!

Hmm. That's a great question about how much to include pertaining to book one. Me, personally? I didn't include anything but I'm a tragically vague blurber to begin with. Again, no clue what I'm doing hahahaha.

I know that a few awesome authors here have quite a bit of experience serializing books, so I'm positive they'll be able to give you some valuable insight :)


message 5: by K. (new)

K. Kidd | 49 comments Hi Anna, welcome to the group. And hey Annie we are in #SIAFBB event this weekend. :)

I think you're off to a great start with your blurb Anna. Here are my thoughts. I used a headline analyzer for the first sentence of my blurb. You want to snag people right from the start. With that in mind, IMHO I would suggest moving this sentence to the top line:

All the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man.

The reason is that one sentence scored a whopping 50 on http://www.aminstitute.com/headline/i... That score is in the gifted copywriters range!!

I don't have much experience either but that sentence caught my attention and I feel that headline analyzers can be a valuable marketing tool.

Good luck with book two in your trilogy!!
-Kolleen


message 6: by Anna (last edited Jul 04, 2016 03:02AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Heavens above! Now that has set me thinking. Maybe I need to turn this on its head somehow.

Thank you so much!


message 7: by Grace (new)

Grace Crandall | 79 comments Okay, I LOVE your current opening sentence. But what follows is a little hard to grasp when I'm in blurb-reading mode. Maybe to make it a bit more succinct, you could follow up the opening sentence with a short description of the evil (the wreckers), then go into the love interest that's being introduced (she sounded really cool and interesting) and then wrap up with another return to the evil?

Not sure if that makes sense, but shuffling the order of things mentioned tends to help me a lot in blurb-writing :)
Best of luck!! Your book sounds really interesting :D


message 8: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Thank you, Grace. I'm copying and pasting all the helpful comments and will shuffle everything around and probably back again and see what I come up with.

Your help (and comment) is really appreciated.


message 9: by D. (new)

D. Thrush | 180 comments Anna, I'd mention that it is Book 2 as readers may want to read the other first. I like blurbs that are short and attention grabbing, myself.


message 10: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Thanks, D. I have mentioned that it is Book Two in The Dark Moon Trilogy - it's at the end. Perhaps I should put it at the beginning! Yes, I think I have some work to do on this blurb.


message 11: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Anna wrote: "Thanks, D. I have mentioned that it is Book Two in The Dark Moon Trilogy - it's at the end. Perhaps I should put it at the beginning! Yes, I think I have some work to do on this blurb."

Annie wrote: "Miss Anna! Methinks this is my first time seeing ya!! Hello!!!

*waves all friendly-like*

Okay, I wanna say that I have no experience. Nada. Just saying. But...

After reading the blurb for the bo..."


Annie wrote: "Miss Anna! Methinks this is my first time seeing ya!! Hello!!!

*waves all friendly-like*

Okay, I wanna say that I have no experience. Nada. Just saying. But...

After reading the blurb for the bo..."


I have the same questions as Annie. Lucy is Daniel's wife, but she rescues the only man she has ever loved. Who is this man? And who is the evil guy?


message 12: by Tanner (last edited Jul 03, 2016 04:16PM) (new)

Tanner Walling | 18 comments The blurb looks great! It hooks in a potential reader and makes them want to find out more. The one thing I have for critique is you might want to split up the blurb into some small paraphrahs. My suggestion would be:


All that it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing.

Fortunately, two good men decide to act, putting their lives and the lives of those they love in jeopardy. Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, and successful businessman Daniel Tynton, embark on a quest to rid the Isle of Wight of corruption and impoverishment by those who lure cargo ships onto rocks - wreckers. Against Daniel’s wishes, his wife, Lucy, follows him to the island where she plays a pivotal role in rescuing the only man she has ever loved.

All the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man.

In the midst of all the turmoil, Karl finally finds a woman he can love but she belongs to the enemy he must defeat.


But other than the formatting, the blurb looks great!


message 13: by Anna (last edited Jul 04, 2016 03:05AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments I'm glad you like it Tanner. The formatting in my original is close to your suggestion. Somehow it didn't come across in the copy/paste and I should have attended to that, I'll go back and do that now. I'm torn between good spacing and getting as much of the blurb visible before Amazon cuts it off.

Thank you, Angela. I need to make who she loves clear as this book can stand alone. As a sequel, readers of Book One would know but I must think of new readers. Or should I keep them guessing. It becomes clear early on.

I'm copying and pasting all the useful suggestions to work on the blurb when I can face it!


message 14: by Anna (last edited Jul 07, 2016 04:39AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments OK, I've had another go. Is this any better?

"All that it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing. Fortunately, two good men decide to act, putting their lives and the lives of those they love in jeopardy.

Daniel Tynton and his old enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, embark on a dangerous quest to rid the ‘diamond isle’ of the wreckers who lure cargo ships onto rocks, driving Daniel’s wife, Lucy, to risk her life in an attempt to save his.

All the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man.

In the midst of all the turmoil, Karl finally finds a woman he can love but she belongs to that man.

Book Two in The Dark Moon Trilogy"

I tried to get K's 'good line' as an opener but it wouldn't work!

My thanks to you all. I could not have done it without your excellent observations, suggestions and encouragement.


message 15: by D. (new)

D. Thrush | 180 comments Sorry I'm late to the party, but here's my 2 cents:

"In Book Two in ‘The Dark Moon Trilogy,’ all it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing. Fortunately, there are two good men who put their lives and the lives of those they love in jeopardy to oppose it.

Daniel Tynton and his former enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, embark on a dangerous quest to rid the ‘diamond isle’ of the wreckers who lure cargo ships onto rocks. It all points to one cruel and ruthless man.

Now Daniel’s wife, Lucy, must risk her life to save his. And Karl finally finds a woman he can love. But she belongs to that man."


message 16: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Thank you, D, and you are not too late, nothing is set in stone yet and I usually have more than one blurb in my armoury for different uses.

Thank you.


message 17: by D. (new)

D. Thrush | 180 comments I'd actually make some corrections to my suggestion above.
"...two good men who are willing to put their lives..."
And the very last line. "But she belongs to that ruthless man."
Good luck with the book!


message 18: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Thanks! We came to the same conclusion re adding 'ruthless' - so it must be right!

I'll have a think about 'willing' - I can see what you're saying.


message 19: by Anna (last edited Aug 27, 2016 11:33AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments I'm just about to publish and I've just come up with this new blurb:

In 1823, on an island off the south coast of England, there are activities worse than smuggling and all the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man. The women on the island call him the Dark Star.
Reformed smuggler, Daniel Tynton, and his old enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, join forces to defeat the evil that brings poverty to ‘the diamond isle’. Such a tragedy that Karl falls for the woman belonging to the Dark Star.
Book Two of The Dark Moon Trilogy

Is it any better than the one I've come up with (with your help):

All that it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Fortunately, two men decide to act, putting their lives and the lives of those they love in jeopardy.
Daniel Tynton, a reformed smuggler, and his old enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, embark on a quest to rid the ‘diamond isle’ of corruption by those who lure cargo ships onto rocks – wreckers. Against Daniel’s wishes, his wife Lucy follows him to the island where she plays a pivotal role in rescuing him from almost certain death.
All the conflict points to one cruel and ruthless man.
In the midst of all the turmoil, Karl finally finds a woman he can love but she belongs to that man.
Book Two in The Dark Moon Trilogy


message 20: by Pamela (new)

Pamela Canepa | 34 comments I feel like you when it comes to blurbs. I have to check out that headline analyzer!


message 21: by Ben (new)

Ben D. | 2 comments "Reformed smuggler, Daniel Tynton, and his old enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, join forces to defeat the evil that brings poverty to ‘the diamond isle’. "

I think that is the best opener for your blurb.

As a person who knows nothing of your book and was looking for a way to see 'does this interest me' the first paragraph doesn't really catch my attention. So I would suggest using the quote about Tynton and Thorsen as your foundation.

When I read that I thought "ok so its a smuggler and this other guy has a military rank so they are on opposite sides of the law. that's really interesting: but what is the thing that they need to team-up against? what are the stakes?"

Hope this helps!


message 22: by Anna (last edited Aug 27, 2016 03:45PM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments @ Pamela. I've been doing that! Still difficult to decide. Perhaps it's a case of horses for courses. For some places, I could use the shorter but for Amazon I could use the longer one?


message 23: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments Ben wrote: ""Reformed smuggler, Daniel Tynton, and his old enemy, Lieutenant Karl Thorsen, join forces to defeat the evil that brings poverty to ‘the diamond isle’. "

I think that is the best opener for your ..."


Yes Ben, that really does help. Thank you. I'm copying that bit right now and will conjure up something to comply with what you say. Thank you very much.


message 24: by J. Daniel, Lurking since 2015 (new)

J. Daniel Layfield (jdaniellayfield) | 94 comments Mod
Comment deleted. If you would like comments/help on a blurb, please start your own thread.


back to top