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message 1: by Emily (new)

Emily   In this folder you can share your stories! (if you want to). just start a new topic inside of this folder and either copy/paste or post a link to your story.
If you post your story you must be ok with some criticism, and if you criticize someone else's story we ask that you be polite and courteous to the member that posted it. we hope having other opinions on your stories will be very helpful :) I hope this folder will be fun for everyone!


message 2: by Emily (new)

Emily   >>>>>My Story (no title yet:( ) <<<<<<<<

CHAPTER 1

When father died he left it all to me. Everything. All the responsibilities of the Kingdom now rest on my shoulders. with little time to prepare myself.
My Coronation as sole ruler of Riona took place
during the spring-eves festival. it was a hasty coronation, since father died so unexpectedly during a wild boar hunt.


The Castle is draped in black everywhere. its been almost three months since father died but we are all still required to wear black for mourning, Sometimes I change into one of my colorful gowns just to sit in my chambers just because I'm tired of the color black.
I spend most of my days in the castle, Embroidering, knitting or playing with my collie, hazel.


Today I'm walking through the Gardens with Hazel at my side. I continue to run the list of all my royal responsibilities through my head. its scary you know, just finding out one day that your father is dead and because he had no Male heir nor a wife to take his place YOU must assume all the royal duties of a king!
But I would never be able to do it if it weren't for Herin, The head of the royal council. He has helped me Immensely. All I wish to do is to rule as justly and strongly as my father had.

"Your Highness! Rosalin!" my thoughts are interrupted by my Chamber maid, maria running across the gardens and shouting out to me.
"what is it maria?" I ask as she stumbles up to me with a hasty bow.
"your needed in the council room at once! its very urgent"
"Alright, please take Hazel back to my room!" I call as I sprint to the castle.
I run all the way to the council room. I pause for a moment at the door to straighten my dress and pat my hair.
When I walk through the doors, I see , elderly Herin and the rest of the council but the man in the middle of the room shouting is a stranger to me.


message 3: by Emily (new)

Emily   Please excuse any grammer or spelling mistakes


message 4: by lorien (last edited Jun 28, 2016 08:31AM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
My Story (title to come)

Chp1

I snapped my eyes open. The alarm clock was buzzing loudly. I snuggled deeper into the covers. It was a Saturday after all.

Then I realized something very important. God allowed me to live another day. That was one of the many things I was grateful for.

I said a prayer in my head, "Thank you God."

Yep that's it. I don't say long prayers because usually I'll forget what I said in the first place. That's what I get confused about the most. Why do people say long prayers? That was the question for the day.

Since summer vacation started today I might as well keep my mind sharp and focused each day. I really didn't want to end up like the NFT's who spend their day on the phones. I promise you sometimes I could see drool in the corners of their lips. It's gross. I shuddered.

I glanced at my black alarm clock and saw that the time was 5:18am. I groaned. My goal was to wake up at four but looks like I slept through the alarm.

Man, it sure is cozy under here. Well.....a couple more hours wouldn't hurt. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.


message 5: by lorien (last edited Jun 28, 2016 11:19AM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Tell me what you think of it. :)
Members! You guys can also add in your stories on here too!


message 6: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Emily wrote: ">>>>>My Story (no title yet:( ) <<<<<<<<

CHAPTER 1

When father died he left it all to me. Everything. All the responsibilities of the Kingdom now rest on my shoulders. with little time to prepare..."


Emily, I love the beginning of your story. It's perfectly dramatic. "When father died he left it all to me. Everything." I like stories that open with a bang.


message 7: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Lorien wrote: "Tell me what you think of it. :)
Members! You guys can also add in your stories on here too!"


Lorien, I like your writing style. It has this fresh, summer-day-reading-on-the-patio sense to it. Keep at it!


message 8: by lorien (last edited Jun 30, 2016 04:46AM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "Lorien wrote: "Tell me what you think of it. :)
Members! You guys can also add in your stories on here too!"

Lorien, I like your writing style. It has this fresh, summer-day-reading-on-the-patio s..."


Whew! Thanks! That means a lot. I'm going to try to write a chapter each day


message 9: by Emily (last edited Jun 29, 2016 04:46AM) (new)

Emily   R. E. Banks wrote: "Emily wrote: ">>>>>My Story (no title yet:( ) <<<<<<<<

CHAPTER 1

When father died he left it all to me. Everything. All the responsibilities of the Kingdom now rest on my shoulders. with little t..."


Thanks! my plan was to try and be dramatic and fast at the beginning so I would hold the readers interest, I'm so glad that it worked! Hopefully I can keep that through the entire book :) have any opinions on what I should work on ?


message 10: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to mourn him because she's so busy with all the castle duties? Or does she resent him, perhaps, because he never taught her how to rule and he wished that Rosalin was the son he never had? There are some interesting possibilities there. And what does Rosalin feel when Maria comes up to her?


message 11: by lorien (last edited Jul 14, 2016 04:45PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet of chocolates any day but flowers . . .I would kindly refuse. Sure, flowers are beautiful but I won't deny that I'd rather have chocolates.

I walked down along a road and came across my old school. I had to stifle down a laugh. What was it doing here? Better question: what was I doing here?

This was unlike any dream I came across in my recent fourteen years of age.

As if trying to wake me up, the ground was shaking madly. I lost my balance and stumbled.

My old school came crashing down until it was nothing but rubble. I ran. Maybe not the best move since if this was real life I would break a bone. But I continued on running. I looked back behind me and saw a pair of warm brown eyes staring at me.

I gasped then choked. I knew those eyes. I saw them once a week. Maybe one day I'll tell you, but for now I won't. I haven't told anyone. What makes you think I'll start now?

I ran and ran. My legs didn't feel tired and my lungs felt as though I was walking.

The ground continued to shake and I was soon falling down in a hole screaming my head off.


***
"Am-ber," a soft voice kept on repeating and gave me an occasional nudge. "Am-ber."

Whoever it was he or she shook me with great force. I had to keep myself from laughing. It was my brother, Fico. He usually did this when I wasn't up.

He doesn't know but every time he attempts to wake me up, I'm already awake.

"Amber!" Fico half yelled.

Now you see that's what got me fully awake. I sat straight up from my bed.

My brother just laughed. "Good morning sleeping beauty."

I scowled. "Good morning, yourself."

"You should get up now. It's eleven, now in case you were wondering. Mother wanted me to make sure you were still breathing."

"Ha ha very funny." I moved to the right and checked my clock. Sure enough it was eleven. I groaned again that morning. It seems to be a habit of mine.

"Mother's making pancakes. I suggest you hurry up and get dressed otherwise you won't have any for yourself," Fico walked out the door but stopped. "Did you dream about the NFT's?"

"No,why?" Wasn't sure where this was going.

"You mumbled in your sleep and said 'I must have it. How could I live with myself if I don't have it'" Fico said. I could tell he was trying to keep himself from laughing.

"I didn't, and I don't plan on dreaming about one anytime soon." I said, getting off of my bed.

"Whew! I thought I was going to have to deal with you moaning throughout the whole day."

"Where did you figure that?" I asked, grabbing a flannel t-shirt and jeans from my closet.

"Well for one thing you have deep circles under your eyes and for another you look like you want to throw something at me."

"I do. But I won't waste my energy on throwing a pillow on your delicate head." I walked out of my room and down the hallway.

"Wait. Who said I was delicate? I don't remember father or mother telling me or the others." Fico followed me to the bathroom.

"You might not remember, but I do." Now it was my turn to hold back a laugh.

"I'll leave you to change. But remember, this conversation isn't over." He said walking down the stairs, with a smile.

I entered our bathroom and changed. The flannel t-shirt I was wearing is my favorite. It had mint and white on it (two of my favorite colors) and was glad my mother bought it for me.

Once I got my jeans on, I brushed my hair and pushed a bobby pin in to hold my bangs.

I looked in the mirror and saw how long my hair grew during school. It came all the down my back. I should cut it soon. I didn't want my hair to fly all over the place if our family went on trips or stuff like that.

I walked out of the bathroom and threw my bed clothes down the laundry shoot. That was the nice thing in living in an old house. You get to have little bonuses like a shoot.

I walked down the stairs and prepared myself for the firing squad.


message 12: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Emily wrote: ">>>>>My Story (no title yet:( ) <<<<<<<<

CHAPTER 1

When father died he left it all to me. Everything. All the responsibilities of the Kingdom now rest on my shoulders. with little time to prepare..."


Wow! It's amazing! I really hope you keep on writing because that first chapter got me hooked on reading more. Great job!


message 13: by Ellie (new)

Ellie (ellieorsborn) Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet of chocolates any day but flowers..... I woul..."


This is really good so far, Lorien! You've got me wanting to read more! :D


message 14: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Mandie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet of chocolates any day but flow..."


Great! I appreciate it. I'm going to try to write a chapter each day. I might write another today. ;)


message 15: by Ellie (new)

Ellie (ellieorsborn) Lorien wrote: "Mandie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet of chocolates a..."


Yay!! ;)


message 16: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Mandie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "Mandie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet ..."


I'm working on it now. Not sure how it will turn out though. :(


message 17: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments "I gasped then choked. I knew those eyes. I saw them once a week. Maybe one day I'll tell you, but for now I won't. I haven't told anyone. What makes you think I'll start now?"

Oooh, a secret!! That's enough to keep me reading for a long time! I want to know more! I'm dying to know!
And I thought the part with Fico was funny, when he's talking about her mumbling about not being able to live without it.
How did you do the italics? Even when I copy and paste something, it un-italicizes it.


message 18: by lorien (last edited Jun 30, 2016 04:56PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
What you do is you type this < then you put a i then > so then make sure it's a lower case i. Then when you type that then write whatever it is you have to say. Once your done type < then / then i then > for example: type here If you need me to explain it better just ask. Also theirs a group on my profile page called 2016 young readers or something like that and should be able to help you.


message 19: by lorien (last edited Jul 06, 2016 02:11PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Just to let you guys know the way you pronounce Fico is (fee-ko) but if you already imagined how it was pronounced that's fine!
Also there's a future character named Frida and the way you pronounce her name is (free-da). Just to let you know!


message 20: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments So like this? Thanks Lorien!


message 21: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "So like this? Thanks Lorien!"

Yes exactly! Your welcome!


message 22: by lorien (last edited Jul 14, 2016 04:52PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
A Summer's Place

Chp 3

Okay so maybe it wasn't a firing squad but it sure did come awfully close to one.

As I went down the stairs, I could hear the laughter of the twins echoing through the walls. They're a year older than me. The twins both have brown hair and hazel colored eyes while I have auburn hair and blue eyes. Some people ask if we're really related and we answer back to them with a smile.

There are benefits to being the third oldest. I usually don't get bothered all that much but every once in a while the twins would concoct some sort of prank. It makes everyone laugh in the end but.......I would just stay your distance away from them if I were you.

My mother's pancakes smelled up the whole house and would probably be the best you ever have, in fact her pancakes are so good that we don't even order pancakes from the restaurant any more ,and that's saying something.

Fico wasn't joking. The pancakes were suppose to be stacked high on a single plate like all the other mornings but today, it's half way gone.

"Morning sweety," my mother called from the kitchen. "You better stock up on these pancakes otherwise you'll have an empty stomach." She was busy. Flipping over pancakes, mixing and pouring, and taking measures. She was all over the place. My mother was definitely a multi tasker.

"Yeah, Amber. Better get them while their hot because their going out like hotcakes." Meet Frida. One of the twins I mentioned earlier. Her twin, my brother, is Dimitri.

Landing right on cue Dimitri snorted at her joke. There were times where I wanted to throw one of mother's oh so good pancakes at them. But I know I shouldn't.

I grabbed a plate and piled on three pancakes. I drizzled the maple syrup and put a big spoonful of homemade whip cream. Mother's whip cream makes you not want to buy grocery whip cream ever again.

I found a place on the wooden dining table and pulled out my chair. I set down my plate and ran back in the kitchen to grab some untensils. I nearly stumbled on poor Dingis ,our husky, as I ran in the kitchen. I fumbled for forks and knives, knowing that the twins would take my food if I didn't get there in time.

Hm. Maybe I should have a surprise waiting for the twins.

Usually I'm not the trickster in the family, I leave that up to the twins, but maybe there should be change.

I searched the kitchen cabinets for something that would add some spice.

Think, think. What would pack a punch?

I scooted away the bottles and came across cayenne pepper. Yes, this would work.

I poured some in the palm of my hand.

"Wow Amber this pancake sure is delicious! Wish you could have some." said Frida, sounds of her scarfing down another pancake.

I got what I needed and almost sprinted around the corners. I got there right on time. Swiftly and secretly, I sprinkled all of the cayenne pepper on all of the pancakes.

Frida quickly grabbed my pancake and dangled it above her mouth.

Yes. She grabbed the one that had the most cayenne on it. The plan was in full swing now.

She looked at me and laughed. "Sorry little sister but you got here too slow. Sure beated all your other records though. I think as a reward for your tremendous effort you should eat it. But seeing that I licked it . . . I own it."

I searched her face. Seeing if she was joking or actually telling the truth. You couldn't tell sometimes with the twins.

"Relax. I'll give it to you on the condition that you do my chores for the rest of the week."

"Why would I agree to that? I could always grab more later."

"That's true," Frida said, tilting here head slightly so the sun could reflect her brown hair to a brilliant gold. "But there isn't any more whip cream left and we all know how much you love mother's whip cream. So what'll it be? To refuse or not refuse that is the question."

I really loved mother's whip cream but was it really worth it? Just one pancake covered in goodness for a week's worth of chores. Nope it isn't.

"I'll pass. Thanks though." I wolfed down the pancakes that had the littlest amount of cayenne. Man, they were so delicious, even with the cayenne pepper on. Now this is how a summer vacation should start.

Frida shrugged her shoulders. "Your loss." She dropped the pancake in her mouth and chewed. I waited. Seeing what her reaction would be. I stared and stared some more.

Three. Two. One. Someone please call 911.

Frida's eyes started to water and she fanned at her tongue.

"Water." She croaked. Tears were coming rapidly now.

Dimitri grabbed the pitcher of water and poured the water into a cup. Frida instantly grabbed the cup and gulped it down.

"More." The tears left stains on her checks but her face was as red as a tomato. Don't tell her I said that.

Dimitri poured more and Frida drank more. This is how it was for five minutes.

Once Frida was collected and calm, she just smiled and asked "What did you put in there?"

I tried innocent eyes but clearly she wasn't buying it.

I sighed "Do you really think I would tell you?" I leaned back in my chair. Might as well get comfy.

"Well it's not everyday I eat cayenne pepper in a pancake. Wouldn't you say?"

I nodded.

"Well that settles that then." She scooted out of her chair and came on my side and hugged me.

I was frozen right there at that moment. Not sure exactly what was going on.

"I had no idea you wanted to be a prankster." She sniffled.

I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. My body went stiff as she continued to hug me

Frida looked at me then started laughing hysterically.

"You should've seen your face! I thought you were going to run away to your room." She cradled her stomach trying to stop laughing.

I was actually relieved to be honest. If she meant that she actually wanted to have a sisterly bond, I wouldn't view Frida as the prankster but as a hugger. I think she knew it as well.

And that is the firing squad at the Wolfe's household.


message 23: by Emily (new)

Emily   R. E. Banks wrote: "I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to mourn him because she's so busy with all the castle ..."

Thanks! I think I'll try this in one of the future chapters :)


message 24: by lorien (last edited Jul 14, 2016 05:01PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
So you just witnessed a mediocre firing squad but wait a couple of weeks or days and you'll see what I mean.

I was finishing the rest of my pancakes (I had grabbed seconds and these were cayenne free). I'll probably say it so many times that you'll eventually get annoyed with me but these pancakes are incredibly delicious!

The twins finished their plates and washed them down. They headed upstairs while I was thoroughly enjoying some warm pancakes.

"Amber?" a quiet voice called.

I swirled around in my chair to see who it was. It was my little sister Maple. Even though she was five years younger than me, she sure didn't act like it. She was pretty much the inquisitor in our family. She was always asking constant questions. Sometimes it annoyed the rest of us but then again most children her age have their heads bent looking at the phone screen and not paying attention to the rest of the world.

"Amber?" Maple asked again.

"Yes?"

"What's an NFT?" Curiosity was on her face.

"Who told you that?" I continued to eat.

"Fico."

I should've known. Fico was most likely telling the others that I dream about being an NFT but the fact is, I didn't.

"Well NFT stands for Not Focused Teenager and that's usually for people my age who spend all their time on devices and video games and that kind of stuff." I stood up to wash my plate. Maple followed me to the kitchen.

"Oh. Okay, that makes a lot of sense now. Before, you and Fico were saying TT everywhere we went."

I couldn't help but smile. I remembered. Fico and I made a bunch of abbreviations and TT stood for Typical Teenager. We both thought it was hilarious.

"Maybe you should make your own." I put my plate under the sink and scrubbed.

"My own what?" She asked.

"Abbreviations that only you know." Still washing.

"I think I will. Thanks Amber!" Maple skipped along the wood flooring and end down towards the living room.

Sometimes Maple and I don't get along well. I would think she could handle it whenever I sat on her when she took my spot on the couch or something silly like that. It use to be where I wouldn't even want to be around her. It's dumb I know but I don't actually know why.

My father always tells us that if you don't have a good reason or any reason at all for what you're doing, it's probably best not to do it at all.

I put my plate back in the cabinet.

He's a great father and loves each and every one of us. Which reminds me, where is father? He works on week days only for his job. He should be around in the house or outside.

I remembered. He was going to the auto shop to buy some parts for our 1977 Chevy Suburban. The brakes needed a bit more adjusting. He's been looking all over the place for the parts he needs so when he found this auto shop he was excited.

I couldn't wait till we went on trips in the Chevy. The only thing we need to work are the brakes and it should be good to go.

My mother was still in the kitchen, making the last of the pancakes. My mouth watered and I wanted to grab more but those were probably for her and father.

I walked up to her and tapped her shoulder. She whirled around to face me and asked "Yes?"

"I was wondering if we could go to the library today."


message 25: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Wow Lorien you write a lot! Do you hand-write, or type and then cut and paste? I used to hand-write my stories but I found that I couldn't write as fast as my brain was going, so it was staunching the flow. So now I type, and it's also easier to find references and certain scenes because my book is just a smidge longer than Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
And I was totally not expecting it when she put cayenne pepper on the pancake! It was a total surprise with my dawning comprehension at just the right time.


message 26: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "Wow Lorien you write a lot! Do you hand-write, or type and then cut and paste? I used to hand-write my stories but I found that I couldn't write as fast as my brain was going, so it was staunching ..."

I know that this might not be the best way but the ideas just come naturally. I have several ideas to add but I'm not sure if it would fit the story.
I wanted to surprise you in something you wouldn't expect. Is there anything you think I should work on?


message 27: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry Potter book, his goal is to read the letter from Hogwarts, and his future is at stake, because otherwise he might spend the rest of his childhood with the Dursleys. I think that is his first goal (if I remember correctly). In the first book of The Hunger Games, the big drawing is about to come up, so something is changing -- and the lives of Katniss, her friends, and her family are at stake.
Is there anything that you think I should work on, on my clip from the main character Nym?


message 28: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry Potter book, his goal is to read the letter from Hogwa..."

I think you should explain a bit more about your main character. I would love to get to know her more and go from there. Your story's really good and your is excellent! ;)


message 29: by lorien (last edited Jul 14, 2016 05:05PM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
A Summer's Place

Chp 5

I was sitting at the right hand side of mother's faithful station wagon. She bought this when she was younger and decided to keep it. Everybody loves the station wagon because it reminds us of The Brady Bunch. If you haven't seen the show I deeply encourage you go see it.

When I asked my mother if we could go she said yes right away. She knew that I love going to the library and besides today is the first day of summer vacation and I heard the librarians say that they have a summer reading program coming. Who knows? Maybe they'll have sign ups today.

My mother brought everyone for the ride. We had plenty of space for at least ten people in total. You see? That's why I love old cars because they have a lot more room then the "new" cars these days. Also, if we get into a car accident with another car, the station wagon would get a scratch while the other car would be completely destroyed.

We turned onto a sharp turn and arrived at the library. The library looks amazing on the inside and it almost reminds me of a museum. On the outside the building reminds me of a cottage in a meadow. There are flowers everywhere and I can't stop staring.

"You gonna gawk at the flowers all day?" asked Frida, playing with her hair.

"'Course not. We came here for one thing and one thing only. I'm just going to check out my holds and we'll be out of here in five minutes." I really hoped it was true.

"That's what you say every time." Frida huffed.

It's true. Whenever I see new books, I think I should check them all out and not to mention I spend two hours just to see what's on the shelf.

The library's huge that's for sure. Each floor is at least estimated to be the size of a football field. Yeah, it's that big. When our family came here a few years ago, I needed to see what the library looked like and I soon found myself there for five hours. Mother eventually pulled me out, knowing that this could've go on for another hour or two.

Mother found a parking spot and we all jumped out of the car. I walked up the steps to the library, the others following me closely.

Just get one. Just get one. I had to repeat it in my head otherwise we'd be here all day long and I'm pretty sure the others don't want that.

Dimitri and Frida came up behind me and asked "How long are we gonna be here?" Neither one of them liked the library and they try to avoid it like the plague.

"Oh, not too long." I added a giggle. Yes, I know it might seem dumb but I couldn't help myself at the moment.

They both groaned, loudly.

I looked behind me, making sure that everyone was still following me. They were.

We walked up the final steps and came to the library at last!


message 30: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Lorien wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry Potter book, his goal is to read t..."

Okay, thank you! I'll do that. That was actually one of the problems I had with Nym --- she never seemed to have a distinct personality and be an actual person instead of just a character. I could never imagine her sitting in my living room like I could with my four main characters from my original book.


message 31: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "Lorien wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry Potter book, his go..."

That's great! How did you like Chp5 do you think there is anything I should work on?


message 32: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "Lorien wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry Potter book, his go..."

Hi! I've been wondering if I could add you as a friend. If not that's fine and if so that's fantastic. You could send me a request or I could. Doesn't matter to me thanks! ; )


message 33: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Actually, I found that I could imagine Chapter Five a lot easier than the other chapters, so I was more involved.

I can't see anything that needs fixing in Chapter Five except minor editing issues, such as the use of 'to' instead of 'too' and this sentence:
"Mother eventually pulled me out, knowing that this could go on for another hour or two."
The previous sentences are in past tense and this is in present. Maybe, 'Mother eventually pulled me out, knowing that this could've gone on for another hour or two'.

Do you want me to mention minor editing stuff such as this, or are you only looking for broader issues, like how the characters are portrayed or the flow?


message 34: by R.E. (new)

R.E. Banks | 158 comments Lorien wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "Lorien wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I started wondering what the purpose of the story was. What's changing? Does she have a goal? What's at stake? For example, in the first Harry..."

Let's go with fantastic. I'll send the request simply for the reason that I'm on Goodreads right now. :)


message 35: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "Actually, I found that I could imagine Chapter Five a lot easier than the other chapters, so I was more involved.

I can't see anything that needs fixing in Chapter Five except minor editing issues..."


I really don't mind. It could be editing, writing, characters, and the story. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thank you! : )


message 36: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Does anyone think I could do something better with this story or any other changes?


message 37: by lorien (last edited Jul 06, 2016 07:11AM) (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Everyone, Chp 6 will be written shortly. I'm still working on it and but the characters seem to a bit funky. Sorry for the delay. :(


message 38: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
R. E. Banks wrote: "I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to mourn him because she's so busy with all the castle ..."

I agree with this advice very much. Getting inside your character's head is sometimes challenging, but it will be another way to flesh out your story, as mentioned before. Other times, getting into your character's mind and thoughts is not difficult at all, you just have to remember to share that connection with your readers cause we don't know the ins and outs like you do. :)


message 39: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Coralie wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to mourn him because she's so busy ..."

Hey Coralie! I was wondering . . . what do you think of my story so far? Is there anything I should work on?


message 40: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
It's much easier to keep track of the separate stories and their coinciding comments if you start a new topic, as Emily did for her story. Just a thought...


message 41: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "Coralie wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to mourn him becaus..."

I was just about to start yours actually! :-) I'll have feedback after dinner, I promise!


message 42: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Coralie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "Coralie wrote: "R. E. Banks wrote: "I think I would feel more attached to Rosalin if I knew how she felt. What's her relationship with her father? Does she regret not being able to m..."

Coralie wrote: "It's much easier to keep track of the separate stories and their coinciding comments if you start a new topic, as Emily did for her story. Just a thought..."

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind. Hope you like my story. ; )


message 43: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "My Story (title to come)

Chp1

I snapped my eyes open. The alarm clock was buzzing loudly. I snuggled deeper into the covers. It was a Saturday after all.

Then I realized something very important..."


Wow, you have an absolutely sensational grasp on your character's inner voice. I particularly enjoyed your writing style. The chapter was short, introductory, and certainly peaked my interest. I am excited to see where this goes! Very realistic fiction vibe. Great start!!!


message 44: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Coralie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "My Story (title to come)

Chp1

I snapped my eyes open. The alarm clock was buzzing loudly. I snuggled deeper into the covers. It was a Saturday after all.

Then I realized something..."


Great! Thank you soooo much. I was a bit worried there for a second. I hope you like the other chapters! :)


message 45: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place
Chp 2

I stood in a meadow lined with grass and every kind of flower ever thought of. Flowers aren't really my thing. Give me a packet of chocolates any day but flowers..... I woul..."


Again, I can tell you've got a solid grasp on your characters, how they respond, what they like, what they don't like, etc. But this time, the writing felt a little forced in some places, a little disjunct here and there. It almost read off like you fought over the diction before deciding on what you presented here. The banter was genuine, and flowed easily between the siblings. I like the line you finished with. :-) The dream was a little shaky...no pun intended. It felt significant and the writing grew more confident and solid the further into the dream we got, but it started off kind of wonky.


message 46: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "A Summer's Place

Chp 3

Okay so maybe it wasn't a firing squad but it sure did come awfully close to one.

As I went down the stairs, I could hear the laughter of the twins echoing through the wal..."


Great twist, though it was a little unclear at the end there. Did Freida plant the hot sauce? Did Amber mean to play a prank? Did someone else doctor the pancakes? From the "Uh, sure" on, I was just not quite following.

There are also some grammatical issues popping up in this chapter and a few minor ones I noticed in the last one too. A few sub/verb disagreement issues and sent. fragments, though those seemed to be more of typo or accidental.

I really like the rhythm of the story, though. It has a down home kind of feel in the family and you're slowly revealing more and more of the setting. This chunk was a little more abrupt, still, than what you started out with. There's a lot of information you're striving to reveal. Be cautious to do so tactfully. Overeagerness to reveal information can lead to the abrasive feel in your writing.


message 47: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "So you just witnessed a mediocre firing squad but wait a couple of weeks or days and you'll see what I mean.

I was finishing the rest of my pancakes. I'll probably say it so many times that you'l..."


Still some tense and grammar issues, but the story is developing. I see through some of your comments that you aren't quite sure where you want to take the story? I think the realistic fiction genre is fine, but you seem to have other plans. Let the characters take over. They'll tell their story through you. ;-)


message 48: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Thanks for your help Coralie! I'll keep everything in mind and try to do better. I wanted to give you guys an understanding on what the NFT's stand for and such. I can definitely see my over eagerness in the second to last chapter. I'll work on that. Thanks again!


message 49: by Coralie (new)

Coralie (corkybookworm) | 386 comments Mod
Lorien wrote: "Thanks for your help Coralie! I'll keep everything in mind and try to do better. I wanted to give you guys an understanding on what the NFT's stand for and such. I can definitely see my over eagern..."

Actually, I thought the NFT bit was handled rather nicely.


message 50: by lorien (new)

lorien | 2222 comments Mod
Coralie wrote: "Lorien wrote: "Thanks for your help Coralie! I'll keep everything in mind and try to do better. I wanted to give you guys an understanding on what the NFT's stand for and such. I can definitely see..."

Thanks! :)


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