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original critiques > Harper | The Demons

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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 16, 2016 07:09PM) (new)

Ruth is a normal teenage girl from a normal family who lives in a normal town. There is nothing interesting about herself, who she is, and her town. Or so she thinks.

One day Ruth wakes up to find her 'normal' town in chaos. Buildings are crumbling, people are screaming for their lives, and nobody knows why. Not one person knows or can see what is doing this to their little town, but they can figure out it does not want them to come out alive.

After her parents are taken by the Demons, as they're called, Ruth goes on a quest to save her parents, and her town.

Criticism would be great, I want to know your thoughts!

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

I woke up with a start. I had heard something...beeping? It's my alarm clock. I realized, and got up out of bed to get ready for school. I quickly got dressed in a green sweater and loose jeans and started walking out of my room. I quickly went down the stairs to breakfast. As soon as I walked into the kitchen I could tell something was off. My mother hadn't made anything for breakfast and hadn't even been in the kitchen, and my father wasn't hurrying around the house looking for something before he went to work. "Mom? Dad? Are you there?" I called out into the empty air. Perhaps I had overslept and her parents had already left? No way, my alarm clock said six o' clock. I started to walk quickly through the house and found my parents by the window in the hallway. "What's going on?" I asked, hurrying over to my parents. She glanced out the window and what she saw almost made her faint. My quiet, little town of Burgerzen, Mississippi was in ruins. Crumbling buildings, people running for their lives, and the usual bright blue sky blackened by smoke. "W-what happened?" I stammered. "They turned to me and tried to cover up the scene outside. They glanced at each other and apparently decided to tell me what was going on. "This morning," My mother began, and swallowed. "We were attacked. We don't know who or what is attacking us, but everyone is calling them the Demons." She explained wit tears running down her cheeks. "Why us, though? What did this town do?" I asked, about to start crying myself. "People are thinking the Demons are looking for one specific person, and will destroy everything and everyone to get that person. "We have to do something!" My voice had risen to a shout, I didn't know who these Demons were looking for, but they won't get them, that's for sure. "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do." My father said sadly. "Within an hour they had destroyed half the town. This part of town is the only part left."

Lyd's Archive (7/'15 to 6/'18) (violabelcik) | 42 comments You should start a new paragraph for dialogue. I believe that is proper conventions

message 4: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) Sonya's right. I tend to use paragraph breaks whenever they feel right, but the standard is whenever the subject changes.

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